Art has always been a bone of contention, something I have enjoyed but never been very good at...
Here is an example of my greatest piece of work, which has attracted the most interest at various auction houses around the world...
The piece 'Pink headed sad bastard with Green Balloon'.
Phase 1. Interpretation.
You would think that someone with a green balloon would be happy, right? well yeah but Pink headed bastard isn't. because the balloon has hidden meaning, it is something that floats away when you let go. Pink headed sad bastard is sad because he knows that eventually, he is going to have to let the balloon go when he needs to go to the toilet or eat or do perform whatever bodily function that humans are bound to do by the laws of nature. So there is the hidden meaning in the balloon. BUT WAIT! there is more to it than that because the colour green is also loaded with meaning. Green is the colour of envy. We've all heard of the green eyed monster...
Phase 2. The problems of interpretation
Does green always mean envy? well, no. It could mean something completely different, the fact that this picture has been drawn by an artiste means that the interpretation you are probably thinking of is wrong, because you are simply a plebian and not fit to clean the clingits from his bumhole. Artists are often plagued by things that help their creativity, but ultimately destroy them, Eg: Heroin, Cocaine, Alcohol etc... From here you can see that the artist is carrying something fragile, which could burst at any time. The balloon represents the artists psyche and its green colour represents the fact that it sad pink head bastard is an alcoholic; this is something that is backed up by the shade of pink headed sad bastards face. The green obviously represents Absinthe, the green fairy. Idiots.
see?
Phase 3. ... Someone arguing with you claiming their interpretation is more accurate.
This is what turns me off art all together, the fact that there is someone who thinks their interpretation is more definitive than yours (or more importantly, mine.) These kind of disputes pop up all the time in art. This is a wiki entry about disputes over what art is.
So how do we fix this whole sorry mess?
Create your own art movement, start with a manifesto, give it a stupid name.
Then what?
Go to the Tate modern in London's South Bank/
And then?
Go into the Rothko room with a marker pen, and scribble your name on a priceless Rothko painting, it is much easier than actually making your own art, and you can say something which will force people to look at your manifesto... you could make it look something like this...
Of course, everyone will get upset with you for defacing such a beautiful piece of blah blah blah and other pretentious precious shit that falls out of art critics mouths like manure from the anus of a cow. Ultimately you will be arrested for vandalism but it doesn't matter, Artists should suffer for their art. Because you are a scrawny artist and not a proper criminal you will probably get fiddled with by bigger men in prison. They will steal your dinner, make you look after contraband and possibly bumsex you. You'll get found hanging in a cell, because artists dont make good inmates.
Still Want to do Art?
No is the answer. Listen to your parents, they want what's best for you. Take that office job, sign on and go on the dole, become a lawyer, astronaut or racecar driver because Art is a closed shop, and besides; as an artiste myself, I don't want any more competition.
Now who wants to start the bidding on 'Pink Headed Sad Bastard With Green Balloon'? Bidding Starts at five hundred thousand pounds.
