Manmachine201 looking back

When i'm accused of being passive aggressive I tend not to confront my accuser at the time, I think its preferable to retaliate at a later date. It's good to let the resentment bubble under while I leave up toilet seats, "forget" to flush and sometimes smear shit on my own curtains in the hope of causing conflict unrelated to the actual problem at hand whilst using these problems as a vehichle for the actual actual problem at hand. This does not make me a passive aggressive, it just means that although I want an argument, I want it on my terms, I want it to be about shitting and not about the flaws in my character.

This would have been an ideal introduction to a previous blog http://manmachine201.blogspot.com/2010/07/manmachine201s-guide-to-pm-delete-as.html
It might have improved it a great deal because reading back, it wasn't as good as it could have been. However, that ship has sailed and I need to look elsewhere for inspiration.

At times I look to the stars to try to find inspirement and to help with my writistic aspiratings. Anthony Burgess who wrote a Clockwork Orange but if I wrote another sentence I might lose you, if I haven't already.

So, the best place to look for inspiration in the stars, so while walking towards these train stations I so often talk about I looked up to the stars in the sky which were mostly obscured by clouds.



The Pink Floyd album cover.

It was at this point that a gap appeared in the clouds and a bright star close to the horizon caught my attention.

"Cooooeeeey!" said the star.

Being close to the horizon, noticing the stars brightness and its proximity to the constellation Orion, I asked the star if it was in fact the dog star Sirius.

"I'm deadly Sirius, and don't call me Shirley."

Brilliant! A star with a sense of humour. a rarity these days, much less a star that can actually talk. I'm not talking about the stars that you get these days like Matt Cardle, Wagner and President Ronald Regan.



I'm talking about the actual supermassive fuck off balls of nuclear energy which inhabit the otherwise vacuous infinite region of space.

Now this annecdote would go down really well at a dinner party, it has the pop culture references for the everyman. (X-factor, a joke stolen from Airplane delivered by a recently deceased actor, clouds.) The astrophysicists would love the references to Cirius, vacuums and nuclear stuff. I'd truly imagine the astrophysicists would piss themselves laughing at the Cirius joke because its funny.



People at this hypothetical dinner party all toasting my brilliant annecdote.

As well as all these things there are also subtle references to my previous blogs. (Britain's got talent, Susan Boyle, SuBo)



Previously I have claimed that Susan Boyle could be a side effect of the experiments in Switzerland with the Hadron Collider.
http://manmachine201.blogspot.com/2009/12/manmachine201s-uneasy-guide-to-physics.html
The above picture showing Boyle concentrating so hard that she has created a star can't be anymore conclusive in terms of proof that I was right. She is some kind of superbeing, able to create stars and energy draining black holes. she's like Magneto, the Nemesis of the X-men.



Judging by the number of links that I have added to this writing harking back to older writing, I have failed in my quest to be inspired by the stars prefering to look backwards for inspiration. But fuck it, I like to look back. When Lott's wife looked back at the burning Sodom after God told her and her husband not to, she turned into a pillar of salt. Not a pinch of salt like how the bible should be taken with. As much as I like the bible and God and stuff, I like my wife more than I like salt. Plus where is the harm in looking back every now and again.



Maybe I'm missing the point, perhaps its another character flaw to add to my passive aggressive nature and the fact that I sometimes smear shit on my own curtains.



Or blood.

manmachine201's uneasy guide to the 2minutehate.

The banks have fucked up the world, the students are actually doing something these days and Simon Cowell is almost completely in control of the UK singles and album charts. The reason I listed these things as signs of the times is because of the rule of three. Three is the magic number, De La Soul told us, but they never went into details about the almost infinite number of numbers both before and after them.



However, the number I wish to focus on is not the number 3 but infact its next door neighbour down 1. more specifically this number is coupled with an amount of minutes and an incredibly negative and direct feeling, on the feelings spectrum it is almost directly opposite the feeling of love.

I speak of the 2minutehate. A group of people so angry, so confused and so secretive, that they did not know that they existed. Two or 2 scientists (depending on how dedicated you are to the academic rule that any number under 10 or ten should be typed out as a word) began back in 2001 (the year of, but not to be confused with the Arthur C Clarke novel, much less the film based on the book directed by, but not starring Stanley Kubrik) to colate and compile every single fact in the universe. These scientists were Mambo Janbestien and Sydney HarbourBridge.



HarbourBridge



No pic of Jamberstein, he is incredibly reclusive and hates clocks even more than HarbourBridge.

Naturally collating every fact ever concocted in the universe can be a tiring and unrewarding job which can leave 2 (or two) people feeling rather jaded, angry and impatient, and as a result of this they began making up facts. In fact they began making up facts before they managed to collate the first actual fact. The results were a combination of Sydney's oversimplified view of the world and Mambo's talent of connecting things which would otherwise never appear in the same sentence.



Following making up every fact in the universe, covering everything from Sugar to Shit, they diversified into the drinks market. The Fucking Fuck@r was born and they gleefully drunk it. Drinking this turned them into people with very nasty hangovers.



Hangovers lead to hatred and eventually this hatred would manifest itself in two minute bursts when both of these angry men would stare vacantly at channel 4 teletext shouting about the state of the music charts, if only they knew how much worse it would get, they probably wouldn't have been as angry.







People with singlasses, music of secondary importance.

The fucking Fucker saw them through troubles such as sePtember 11th, september 12th and september 13th. The hangover was probably at a managable level by september 14th, they obviously celebrated by by making themselves another fucking Fucker.



The preparation of the fucking Fucker.

Eventually they lost the plot and met tragic fates after forming a band called the Beatles.
Sydney, having never had his own name tried to steal a second name from a Harry Enfield show and was subsequently sued.



because he needed the money.

After this his substance abuse spiralled out of control. HarbourBridge ended up disolving himself in a glass of water, mistaking himself for an alka-seltza after a night on the heroin and lemonade.

Jamberstein had a far more successful career peddling words at people. They would walk into a building and he would ensure that they left with hundreds of words, if they came back late with these words he would sue them. With the proceeds from his litergations he took a course in debate. He got so good at debate that he proved that God didn't exist.



He then went on to prove that he was God and subsequently stopped existing.

Fortunately for both of them reincarnation ensured their rebirth further away from each other with ample breathing space, thus giving themselves a chance to focus on things which were not the pop charts. They got to see things like flowers and feel breezes on their faces they feared words like 'fucking' & 'Fucker' which was recently discovered to have Cointreau, Vodka and Gin.



It's nice to see they both still exist, even though their myspace page hasn't been updated since september 11th 2005.

Manmachine201's uneasy guide to the ten commandments.

The other day I came home from work and into my house, my wife had been waiting all day for me because she had a day off. I walked in and sat down, put on easteners and waited patiently for my dinner. As my wife came in from the kitchen having lovingly made me she looked down at me and said. "what the fuck are you doing in my flat? get the fuck out!"

It turned out it was not my wife but my neighbours wife and that I had gone into the wrong house. Thus I had inadvertantly broken one of the ten commandments at least on some subconscious freudian level. I had coveted my neighbours wife without realizing. This is in fact a breach of 2 commandments if you are cheauvanistic enough to think that a woman can be a posession... look it up for yourself. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Commandments



you may find yourself in a beautiful house.



you may find yourself arrested for waking up in your neighbours house.

Of course, although breaking into someone elses house is illegal it is not one on the don't do list. neither is taking crack or heroin. so Downey Jr is going to heaven.

Looking at the ten commandments, if you are not paying attention you could end up fucked and not following any of them. Like if you tune into the wire from episode 3 of the 4th series... and the first commandment is confusing. It essentially says 'I am your god'. Which isn't a commandment at all, its more of a statement, making the ten commandments banner redundent and thus making them difficult to follow.

For example, it is because of this that I don't keep the sabbath day holy but make an effort to sacrifice goats to satan and listen to black sabbath backwards.



but only on a sunday.

Don't take the lords name in vain? who doesn't? seriously?

Don't covet. twice? God is clutching at straws.

It is becoming quite clear that the ten commandments don't really have much to do with todays society. I mean everyone kills things these days.



everyone who uses domestos breaks the 7th rule of fight club.



Go into a hotel without taking the soap? you've not broken the 8th commandment.



Swingers? you're going to hell
(try typing in swingers club on a pic search. it gets very ugly very quickly.)

We all have days when we're annoyed with our parents.



but Josef Fritzls daughter had more reason than some to not send her own father to prison. however for much of her teen and early adult life she 'honoured' her father almost nightly apparently, although technically because he was married it was considered adultary. So ironically by adhering to one commandment she broke another. Isn't that ironic?



Dont'cha think?

Sleeping with your own children isn't considered a breaking of the commandments and Abrahams nephew Lot actually slept with all 9 of his daughters after they got him drunk. No mention of the moral implications in Genesis at all, it is up to us as God fearing Christians to interpret it as being bad. This is getting complicated we have to think for ourselves AND follow these strict rules.

All in all I am pretty sure that although the commandments are outdated there are several of them which are still relevant today and we should stick to some of them, although I am going to leave you to guess for yourselves which ones they should be.

Point is, she eventually accepted that it was a misunderstanding and that our front doors look very similar, the police call was cancelled and we all laughed about it the following week.



It was like at the end of thundercats when snarf says something stupid.



You can download the 10 commandments ap on I-tunes for only 79p thus keeping yourself from the gates of hell in the modern age.

Manmachine201's uneasy guide to avoiding reading the news about the pope.

How can I not? How easy is this going to be? I can just hotlink a fuckload of creative papal photoshopping and say FOOLED YOU!!!!!



Pope with bird.



i-pope



Pope on a rope.



Gropey pope.



I'm a good ship lolly pope.



Okay its getting silly and I've already fucked with your day once by promising a popefree blog, well fuck you I'm going to fuck with you again...



LaRoux pope?



Sort of.




So yes, unless you are illiterate or if you are literate and would prefer to read a book instead of the metro on the train into work then you will probably notice that the pope is in town, which has caused a stir. He has shown up and for the first time and will be appearing for the first time at this years London fashion week, unless of course there was a page missing in my copy of the metro.



one for the geeks.

Its on the fucking telly right now. the pope is with the arch bishop of Canterbury and they have both kissed a really old copy of the bible... now they are kissing each other... they are taking their clothes off... one of them has got the other ones dick out he's sucking... hang on, this isn't live coverage of the pope visit on BBC2, its just some gay porn... but its fucking discusting because they are both really old.






So there are a lot of angry people who want to confront the pope, partly over his involvement over lots of cases of child abuse cases although to be fair it wasn't the pope who actually abused any kids so these people are moaning about nothing, furthermore, everyone knows that most people only become Priests to fondle alterboys so if anyone lets their children anywhere needs a priest are similar to the Culkins.



Among them is Peter Tatchell, not the Culkins, he's not one of them, He's a civil rights campaigner serial handcuffer and gay. He is protesting against the pope coming over. Not that thats a problem there are lots of gays that I really have a lot of time for, like Stephen Fry... even though he is going to hell. The point is Tatchell hates everyone.



Tatchel vs Mugabe



Tatchell vs BNP leader Nick Griffin who ironically, is on the left.







Tatchell vs Russia.

Tatchell is being completely vocal in his accusations aimed at the Catholic of church of being cheuvanistic and homophobic, I think maybe he should start a little closer to home...



Jeremy Clarkson, Sun columnist and presenter of BBC1's second highest viewed TV show.

There are two arguments, the one for:

Jeremy Clarkson is a British institution, he has his ways sure, but ultimately offers billions of people in the 3rd world hope in an otherwise hopeless life, going to wells which have dried up flys all over their faces and that kind of stuff.



And the one against:

He is annoying, that he writes for the sun and is perpetuating the misery of millions by refusing to acknowledge contraception as a way to stop the spread of babies and AIDS, covering up child abuse at the hands of Priests, and generally placing too much emphasis on a book that is old and in many places discredited as 'imagination'. On the other hand it is a cracking book, but so Twilight by Stephanie Mayers, which doesn't have very much to do with God.



Better than the bible.

All in all not that fussed either way, did watch a bit of the pope on telly but it was boring so I am watching celebrity come dine with me which I sky plussed. Actually I lied, I'm fucked off that so much tax payers money has gone into this pompous visit, like he doesn't have enough money already, he could sell that stupid fucking ring he wears and afford an island the size of, say the Phillipenes, a poverty stricken country which is 75% Catholic. It fucks me off that Gods representative on earth who harps on about faith goes around in a stupid fucking jeep with 4.5 inch thick bulletproof glass, although saying that Jesus was Gods son and he got nailed to a cross, St Peter was Jesus representative and he got nailed to a cross upside down. Maybe Benedict should be less concerned about bullets and take heed of the very real threat of crucifiction or being thrown to lions. Saint Peter; Saint Anacletus; Saint Sixtus I; Saint Hyginus; Saint Pius I; Saint Anicetus; Saint Soter; Saint Eleuterus; Saint Callixtus I; Saint Fabian; Saint Cornelius; Saint Stephen I Saint Sixtus II were all martyred which either means they were thrown to the lions or crucified.

So maybe Benedict should get a lion proof cross proof popemobile instead because statistically he is not very likely to be shot.

Amen.

The frog that died for our sins.

Manmachine201s uneasy guide to to opinions

I have some ideas floating around in my head but am too tired to really implement them effectively at the moment. unfortunately they are all current affairs based so I will get them down in the next day or so regardless of quality, I can always edit them later and hope no one notices and make the one person who reads my blogs (and hopefully reads them twice or it would be pointless me editing at a later date) think that it was so clever that he or she didn't get it the first time. Like the film Memento, or sleeping with a whore with HIV, but here are some questions on some message boards that I commented on. The Vitriol is quite good which is the only reason I am re-hashing re-editing them for a narrower audience.

Has the Kings of Leon backlash gone too far?

No, the backlash hasn't gone nearly far enough, they have annoyed the hipsters, they have annoyed me, and they have pissed off the wildlife so much that Pigeons attempt shitting in their mouths...Which is ironic I think because thats what I've always thought they were, Pigeons. No just kidding I think they're shit, and I won't be happy until they are dropped, bankrupt and suicidal. I didn't like their first/second/third/etc... They are bland and no amount of stylists can make up for that.



Hairy Kings.



Bizarre augmentation after After the band got in Seth Brundles teleporter machine together and an eagle accidentally flew in the pod.

Cunts.

Lady GAGA! Style Icon or T-boneheaded fool (lolzzzzz at 'T bone', MM201)

I don't find anything interesting or original about the way Gaga dresses. I myself have been wearing a T-shirt fashioned from Iceland Chicken nuggets. I have a fab pair of sunglasses crafted from the bones of my Grandmother who sadly passed away a few years ago. It's really eyecatching. My current shoes are made from fish fingers and potato waffles and my jeans are, well, just bogstandard denim. However I find Gaga's music really fresh. never heard anything like it. Apart from maybe madonna. And Cyndi Lauper. And Grace Jones. And maybe the most recent Christina Aguilara album. And Britney Spears at a stretch.



She is mental.

who are the most fearless musicians on the planet?

I watched Johnny Burrell from Razorlight rescue 15 children from a burning orphanage with little regard for his own safety, he is truly overlooked.



Bedtime beckons. More tomorrow.

Manmachine201's uneasy guide to 9/11ths 9th anniversary

Today in tribute to the Glorious Martyrs of 9/11, a group calling themselves al-Jihad al jihal jihed jilalalali (or Nursary crusaders against the imperialist pigs, in English.) flew my tricycle into a stack of Jenga bricks, it must have been fun to be on that plane, apart from the obvious checking in and waiting around in the lounge knowing that there is no point in getting those duty free bottles of rum.



Is this a still from a porn film?

It is still a touchy subject after 9 years certainly with the media if not with the relatives of those who have died because they have remarried if their husbands have died or spawned more children if it was one of their progeny who perished in the attacks, so no one is really upset about it anymore, apart from the media, and even they only seem to care about it on the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks every year on September 11th. Strangely, enough time has passed so that people in Britain and Europe are not quite sure of the date of the 9/11 attacks and often get confused, mistaking November 9th as the day of the 9/11 attacks... and it would be a fair mistake to make because Americans, it is widely accepted do their dates the wrong way round, because they are so desperate to be different from the English in spite of speaking their language and evolving from them.



Or not.

In spite of confusion about the date of the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks Someone who has remembered the correct date is the Pastor Terry Jones.



...so thats... erm... Pastor



And Terry Jones from Monty Python

Not to be confused with book burning Christian Maniac Terry Jones.



Only in America.

Jones seemed intent on Celebrating the anniversary of 9/11 by burning 100 copies of the Qu'ran which is a novel way to celebrate. Muslim retaliation promises to be swift and Brutal with Osama Bin Laden threatening to burn 100 copies of facebook.



"Start spreadin' tha newwwws I'm leaving todayyyyyy"

In the fallout of 9/11 the west were forced to ask many questions, like who turned off all the machines at air traffic control? and how do you rebuild the world trade centre. Time has answered that question, don't. Just leave a massive hole in the centre of New York city and set up lots of market Stalls selling tat around it, which is a novel way of capitalizing on the most dreadful terrorist attack of modern times.



However threatening the cheap tacky market stalls are under threat of a second attack from Islam for this very reason...

In the leadup to this anniversary there has been plenty of controversy a full 9 years after the event that reshaped world conflict with Muslims planning to build a mosque out of the rubble of the world trade centre and using the bones of the victims as window fittings and the tears of the relatives of the victims filling all the water dispensers and any other things you might imagine that might offend the sensibilities of the American right wing.

In the leadup to this anniversary there has been plenty of controversy a full 9 years after the event that reshaped world conflict with Muslims planning to build a mosque out of the rubble of the world trade centre and using the bones of the victims as window fittings and the tears of the relatives of the victims filling all the water dispensers and any other things you might imagine that might offend the sensibilities of the American right wing.

In the leadup to this anniversary there has been plenty of controversy a full 9 years after the event that reshaped world conflict with Muslims planning to build a mosque out of the rubble of the world trade centre and using the bones of the victims as window fittings and the tears of the relatives of the victims filling all the water dispensers and any other things you might imagine that might offend the sensibilities of the American right wing.



Because thats what the last 3 paragraphs are metaphorically kind of like in a way.

And it wasn't a mistake either, everything there is possibly to say about september 11th has been said a million billion times, which makes it very difficult to blog about. Too difficult in fact.
I am aware that this. So to avoid getting trapped in some bizarre cross between Groundhog day and the Siege starring Denzel Washington, I propose an alternative to tacky market stalls and a mosque on ground zero (even though the actual mosque is to be built several blocks away completely out of site of the hole where the twin towers used to be...) Why not build a massive wrestling ring where the religions can all fight it out to see who the best is. New Yorks Madison Square Garden has hosted some of the greatest fights ion history. I myself had a fight with a tramp in New York over a pretzel, it was shown on ESPN 19 and lasted 37 rounds but eventually, with a little help from fellow Jihadi's we destroyed the tramp and danced on his carcus in the true spirit of unity. In this spirit I suggest a new venue where the ultimate battle can be fought to see which religion is the best.



Alternatively get superman to substitute for Jesus because he'd probably have a better chance of Beating Mohammed, unless those Pesky Muslims smuggle kryptonite through airport security.

Like this epic war against islamic fundementalism, this blog is almost entirely pointless although to be fair I have read a blog reviewing supermarket cheesecakes today so at least I've had a go at tackling some of the issues if not all.



This cheesecake image is dedicated to the memory of those who lost their lives in 9/11.