The Pro's and Cons of Europe

There seems to be a great deal of animosity towards Europe, with people feeling resentment that our laws are created by a centralized government thousands of miles away from our own parliament. Similarly, there seems to be a a similar amount of resentment from people up north for the same reason, although by the time you get to Newcastle these feelings of anger towards a power base 400 odd miles away are replaced by this...



Ironically, it is often the people angry about Europe who are not angry about programmes like Geordie Shore and "TOWIE;" an acronym I hate so much that I am can only look at if I italicize it and imprison it in ironic quotation marks so that it can't stand up straight or effectively interact with the rest of this paragraph. I would like to take the casts of "MIC" "TOWIE" "GS" and "JS" to develop an illness where they can't stand up straight and to be imprisonned by strange scare quotes, or perhaps instead of scare quotes they could be Islamist terrorists who behead them and send the footage to Al Jazeera, who in turn pass on the footage to the producers of Geordie Shore and The Only Way is Essex, to be used in the final episodes... who knows. It might even make me watch them.


I was not even trying to be hateful right there, it just happened, if I could stop myself disliking "structured reality"  as much, then I could probably develop an idea of where I stand on Europe and the Euro and the EU, important things that actually have an impact on my life.

Why should I stand for a centralized government making laws which should be irrelevant to me because it is so far away? Well, I do, and that is because I am so angry about some of the most popular TV shows in Britain being about people not speaking properly and passing around STD's that I feel that it is just that we become a subjugated nation.



Then we would actually have something to be angry about.

The fact is, my dislike of structured reality upsets me so much that I can't get emotional about things that matter, like government cuts, Sarkozy appealing to the far right in France or even the EU making decisions for us that we would be better off making, or even governments making decisions for us that they should not be entitled to make. These are all things that I should be angry about but instead I find myself disliking reality TV in a really narrow, concentrated and intense way. A way around this would probably be to ban these TV shows, but in all honesty, they are not hurting anyone, apart from the fact that they are distracting people from the real issues that govern our world. Thus I can't dislike europe, or even the tories.

This leaves us with two questions, should we abolish Europe? Just ban it, release it from its moorings and let it float off towards the South Pole where they can make lots of by-laws about eskimos and polar bears, if we were to abolish europe then we could probably declare war on the real enemy which is structured reality TV, and then once we have done that then we can re-instate Europe, so we would still have something to be angry about. Then we could ban europe again and then reinstate it.



Just so that a british football team can beat a European team, before abolishing Europe again.

The other question is should we abolish reality TV, kill everyone to do with it, guillotine TV producers and participants, so that we can abolish Europe, and then re-instate reality TV just so we have something to hate, then banning them again and killing everyone involved in the second wave of reality TV, and then reinstating it again etc...

I am, however, spotting a problem with banning reality TV; it would cause us to head into an uncontrollable cycle of both abolishing and reinstating europe, which would be costly and probably leave good salt of the earth British folk neurotic from all the abolishing and re-instating. Plus who would the youth of today aspire to be like of not for the cast of "TOWIE"

For this reason, it is best to ban both Europe and reality TV permanantly and then finding something else to eradicate, then find something else to hate, like ginger people or Lithuanians, until everything is gone. You can't say fairer than that.

Something smells rotten in Denmark.

Today When I came home from work I found a massive shit in the middle of my floor with a dog standing next to it. There is, of course, no evidence to suggest that my dog did the shit so I had no choice but to let it go. The situation I was in did remind me of the MI6 analyst who was found dead locked inside a bag in London. I found the situation quite strikingly similar. The only thing that would have made the situations more alike would have been if instead of a poo, I found MI6 analyst locked inside a bag in my flat, and if instead of my flat I was inside the house of MI6 analyst Gareth Williams, and I was a landlady. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying Gareth Williams was a poo, but nevertheless, the lack of evidence that my dog did the poo resonates with the fact that there is little evidence that Gareth Williams was murdered.



This is a job for Columbo.

Obviously I am more interested in getting to the bottom of the case of Mr Williams than of a poo in the middle of the floor. I am looking through every possibility.

Possibility 1.

Gareth Williams came home where he slipped on a banana skin that a rogue swarm of chimps left lying around, in the confusion, the lock for Gareths bike, became loose and slipped out of his hand landing on the bag that Mr Williams slipped into and inadvertently locking itself. Williams was so tired that he fell asleep and asphyxiated. Probability 9/10.

Possibility 2.

Williams was 'glamoured' by a character from the TV series 'True Blood', and was convinced to go hime and somehow lock himself in the bag and asphyxiate himself whilst spreading 20,000 worth of designer womens fashion about his bedroom. Probability 9.5/10

Possibility 3.

After a bad day at work Mr Williams killed himself using a strange self bagging system used only by ancient Mayans and an advanced civilization of robots from the future. Except he forgot the english language, and worked out a language using female designer clothes to form an elaborate suicide note that only he understands. Probability 50/50

Seeing is there is little evidence that Murdered MI6 analyst Gareth Williams was murdered, I would like to put forward these 3 probabilities as possible reasons why Gareth Williams was found in a locked bag in his flat in Pimlico, London.

I am available for weddings, Christenings and Bah Mitzvahs to solve any mysteries.

Elementary, dear Watson.

things you cun't say on twitter or in public.

We are very much under attack from the government who are almost certainly trying to stop us from having freedom of speech... in fact the government doesn't want us to say anything at all... especially not on twitter.

What with the recent imprisonment of the infamous Muamba tweeter Liam Stacey, who said something along the lines of 'LOL! Fuck #Muamba he's dead!!!' followed by a stream of 'vile racist comments.'
I am interested to know what these comments were; I have been, from time to time, quite aggressive on Twitter and would like to know the line between harmless trolling and being a criminal. His charge was 'racially aggravated public order offences'. Similar to Emma West, the racist train lady (who recieved a suspended sentence for abusing members of the public, on a tram between Wimbledon and Croydon.)

NIGGERAGUAAAAAAAAAARGHAHAHAHAHAHAAAARGH!!!

There are reasons why Emma west was given a suspended sentence and Liam Stacey wasn't. West was unemployed and under great stress having to cope with a son who had a rare genetic dissorder which made his face look like it was made of lego. (see above picture.) And of course, Liam Stacey was Welsh and therefore didn't have the same rights as actual humans. What is worrying, is that death threats were made against from multiple accounts to Liam, is threatening behaviour not a crime? Why are these not followed up? I may or may not disagree with the sentencing, and to be honest its been so many weeks now that I have forgotten what my opinion is, but if you are going to throw a man in prison for public order offences on twitter, then should you not throw people who make death threats on twitter in jail as well?



#CUNextTuesday.
Another Twitter crime is being thrashed out in the court. With tweeter, OllyCromwell about to be sentenced for implying that a bexley councellor was a cunt, you can see the backlash against Bexley council here and here amongst other places...

Only, he wasn't actually arrested and charged for swearing; he was charged and found guilty of ‘incitement to commit criminal damage’ which he did, when he posted the address of a councilor and encouraged followers to post shit through his letterbox.



I consider myself quite 'right on', I like to read the Guardian, I don't like the Tories, I listen to Dr Dre and have watched Roots; I even watched Steven Soderbergs 2 part biopic of Che even though it was all in Spanish, but I can't help feeling that this is less about freedom of speech than it is about people who just don't know when to stop. If a person did a flyer campaign stating that poo should be posted through a letterbox it would be a simple case of incitement, but the fact that it has happened over the internet has highlighted a grey area; people who thought they could say whatever they want without consequence have had a bit of a rude awakening. Should these people be sent to prison? probably not, these are not actual criminals, not in the sense that Charles Manson or Ian Huntley are criminals, but if you take the time to make sure the grammar is correct on your racist responses or encourage people to post poo into someone elses home, then you should deal with whatever comes your way I find it very difficult to sympathise.

If it were illegal to say cunt on twitter then there are 50 tweeters this week heading for the slammer, including me; the fact is, it isn't, our freedom of speech is safe. Even if we do say cunt. Dudley Moore famously said the word cunt on tape over 30 times. He remains at large to this day.




So it turns out that the word in question isn't actually illegal on twitter, neither is the word felch, frig, vagina and all other variants of the female anatomy are okay, providing you don't attach it to racist comments or comments encouraging people to post faeces through a local councilors letterbox. If you consider these laws an affront to your human rights then pardon my french: but I think you're a cunt.

Is the BBC a bunch of leftie communist scum?

...or should that be 'are'?

Trotskyism is the theory of Marxism as advocated by Leon Trotsky. Trotsky considered himself an orthodox Marxist and Bolshevik-Leninist, which included his support for the establishment of a vanguard party of the working-class. His politics differed sharply from those of Stalinism, most prominently in opposing Socialism in One Country, which he argued was a break with proletarian internationalism, and in his belief in what he argued was a more authentic dictatorship of the proletariat based on working-class self-emancipation and mass democracy, rather than the unaccountable bureaucracy he saw as having developed after Lenin's death.

The BBC has culturally enriched my life, it introduced me to Puccini when I was 10 years old, during Italia 90. It has subversively dragged a bunch of hippies out of the drugged up UFO club in the 60s at the height of the acid revolution, to play a backing track as Neil Armstrong and co were beamed into millions of British homes (Pink Floyd.) and something else, because I am aware that kind of statement deserves a rule of three but I have actually edited this bit in after lots of writing and don't want to do any more research into the groundbreaking nature of the Beeb.

In a world where opinion is often confused with fact I have felt I have had a reasonably balanced view from the Auntie. In fact I would go as far as to say is that she is less of an Auntie and more of a second mother, she used to put on Thundercats for me when I was a child, she would be my bed time when the 9 o Clock news started. I was freaked out by the BBC testcard, like most british children at the time.



Recently, the Beeb has come under scrutiny for being too left leaning, unbalanced and having a secret socialist agenda, which sounds a bit similar to the theories of Adolf Hitler, except these views are not coming from the far right, they are coming from the heart of modern society: a Daily Telegraph blog The daily mail and an MP Ian Bowler, all refer to the BBC as Trotskyists. Entire blogs like Biassed BBC accuse the BBC of being pro labour, pro immigration and anti Israel.

Recent footage from a BBC board meeting.

 If they were they would probably be subliminally pumping left wing propagandha through their most watched shows in order to brainwash the masses. The only way to examine the truth behind this claim is to look at these shows.

Lets start with Top Gear.

The presenters of the show are, for the most part, members of the 'Chipping-Norton Circle', Clarkson is notoriously conservative, so, for that matter is David Cameron, with him being the leader and what-not.
The programme consistantly denies climate change is occuring or to do with big petrol guzzling engines. Not a good start. The presenters poke fun at Mexicans, Germans, gays and the disabled. Simply by surviving a broken neck and regaining full use of his body, the mere presence of Richard Hammond is a slur to all disabled people. Not very Trotskyist at all.

I was looking for a pic of Brooks Clarkson and Cameron together,
but could only find one of Cameron and Brooks with Alex James from Blur
looking embarrassed to be caught in a picture with David and Jeremy.

Right wing accusers 0-BBC...erm... 1.

Next up is Eastenders. There is an argument here. The more well to do characters in the programme Phil Mitchell, Ian Beale, Janine Butcher are the wealthist people in Walford, all of them are dispicable characters, the ones that have a marxist kind of community spirit are the most sympathetic characters. Just count how many people have lived in Pat Butchers home even though they are not related to her, the same with Dot Cotton's penchant for taking strays under her wing. There is an underlying Marxism about eastenders so we will say 1-1 so far.

Paintbrush master, and don't you forget it... does it look more like Soprano's than Che?

Next up, we compare ITV commercial vehichle X-factor to the BBC version, The Voice. In X-Factor, crowds of people descend upon people who are generally mentally ill, bullying and ridiculing them, often, not least portraying them as stupid, ugly and hopeless, which often they are, but surely we would want to help these people and not point and laugh and throw things. The voice doesn't televise the vetting process, sparing these peoples embarrasment on national TV and adds an extra dimension of not letting the judges see their faces to avoid pre-judging the contestants before they sing. The voice certainly lacks the elitism that the X-factor thrives on.

2-1 to the Marxist conspiracy theorists, can the Beeb pull it back in the final 10 minutes.

Go on Beeb... You can do it!

Coverage of the hacking scandal is the final point, the BBC jumped on the News international scandal with relish. An unashamed attack on big business, the government and the police... well, at least that is one way of looking at it. The other is that the Beeb, after years of being bashed about by Murdoch and co's media machine (this, this and Richard fucking littlejohn are all examples) The Beeb finally had enough and launched a fullscale war and very damaging war on the shady dealings of print journalism. This war cost Newscrapcorp millions of pounds and sponsors pulling out. The tabloids and broadsheats answer to their advertisers, and the BBC, in turn answer to their sponsors; the BBC answer to the public, the proletarians and the peasants who pay their TV licences. This is not to say that the 'bourgeoisie' dont pay their TV licences, but they are probably slightly less likely to subscribe to the BBC's belief as the ninety nine odd percent of the public that aren't in the upper classes of society, and if thats Trotskyism, then thats fine by me.



All this aside, the BBC is left leaning at the very least, and as such my viewpoint, having been shaped by the BBC is probably all screwed up, it is for that reason that I am probably going to have to check in to a re-allignment clinic to try to cure me of being a horrible pinko bastard.



Dirty leftist bastards, I'm off to buy my copy of the Daily Mail to reassign myself.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

In my spare time I like to look on holiday websites at holidays I cannot afford, to see pictures of the sandy beaches and suntanned people drinking exotic looking cocktails. I looked on one today and its opening gambit was "Go ahead, pinch yourself!"

This sort of thing.

Initially I thought this was a bit strong, a holiday website inciting self harm; it is for example, although not as extreme, on the same spectrum as "Go ahead, bite your own arm!" or "Go ahead, Punch yourself in the face!" Although not long after pondering this I realized that I was trying to punish myself, so order was restored.

This is literally the only picture I can find to accompany the text this is sandwiched between.

The fact that I feel like I should punish myself is probably religions fault, because its all the catholics that tell us we are sinful and defected and that sort of stuff. So my self punishing is either the result of some form of freudian model or what I am feeling is some form of residual Catholicism.

It is that residual Catholicism which really makes me want to talk about Jesus today, what with it being Good Friday, the day which, two thousand odd years ago he was born in a manger in Bethlehem.

Are you sure its Easter you are talking about?

I was not raised a Catholic and was never baptised, so it is a lot easier for me to stand from the sidelines throwing stones, because I don't subscribe to the school of letting he who is without sin casting the first stone. I'd rather it were me that threw the first stone, even if I were in a glass house. I'd cast the first stone even if I were in a greenhouse, and I'd throw it straight at Catholicism, not because I dislike it or have a problem with it, but because it is fucking massive and therefore really easy to hit. So I am going to point out all the things that make Catholics a bad choice to be Gods vehichle on earth.

1. The Inquisition.

Or men in red suits going around torturing anyone who disagreed with the pope, whether that be that the Earth was round, or was not the centre of the universe, to whether the verses should be read in Latin in church. These people were bulied into towing the line or tortured and that kind of stuff.

2. Sexism

Why shouldn't a woman be pope? Is it because in the Eden Phonebook Adam is listed before Eve because of alphabetical order or is it to do with the apple thing?

3.Homophobia

The Catholic church has relaxed its attitude to homosexuality, but only with women, which I think is fair enough really, I don't like the idea of a couple of elderly priests being all gay on each other but I find the idea of virgin nuns kissing each other and caressing each others breasts the most natural thing in the world.  

If this were two men it would just be weird, why would men have nuns outfits? it would be perverted.

4. the general refusal to admit that they are wrong.

All the stuff above could all be wiped out with a single wave of the papal staff, but because of the way catholicism is set up, it is very difficult to admit they are wrong, they work on the premiss that the most knowledge and wisdom you can gain comes from a book that was written over the course of 4000 years, and as the book is rarely updated apart from for political purposes. This means that the Catholic church is very slow to react to things, and has seen them arguing the toss about something as obvious as evolution roughly 100 years after it had been proven beyond reasonable doubt.

  

All this aside, Catholicism has shaped the world we live in today. over 70% of the world are a Catholic so maybe I shouldn't be as dismissive towards it as I am being, they did afterall provide us with lots of great art, some great imagery and a good platform for debate. As well as inspiring some internet humour, albeit at someone elses expense.

Catholicism hinges on the teachings of Jesus, which is kind of nice. He was alright, although he did trash a market place once.

And Jesus entered the temple and drove out

all those who were buying and selling in the temple,

and overturned the tables of the money changers and

 the seats of those who were selling doves.

And He said to them, “It is written,

‘MY HOUSE SHALL BE CALLED A HOUSE OF PRAYER’;

but you are making it a ROBBERS’ DEN.”

Strangely, this justifies the summer rioters, who also smashed up shops last summer, although probably for different reasons.

The man in the picture above looks a little bit like Jesus on the cross which is kind of why I chose it. All this aside, I am kind of glad Catholicism existed because at the very least, we have a 4 day public holiday to celebrate something very central to Catholicism. So by ending this on a positive note for Catholicism, I am going to feel much less guilty about booking a holiday I can't afford.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

What is a Prometheus anyway?

The internet seems to be abuzz with twenty and thirty something geek men all jerking off to what will be this summers thinking mans blockbuster. Prometheus was initially supposed to be an Alien prequel directed by director Ridley Scott, who's work includes A Good Year, 60s dated brit cop show Z Cars, and the Hovis advert. In spite of his frankly terrible CV (Terrible, only because I have left out all his good films.) Geeks are going mental, my facebook feed looks a lot like people are expecting the second coming of Christ, and who knows, maybe he might decend from the heavens to watch Prometheus. Although it was supposed to be an Alien prequel, Scott simmered down the Alien references reducing the sauce of Prometheus to a film which "shares strands of Alien DNA."




With the huge amount of hype surrounding this film, I thought I would prepare for the backlash in advance, being the cynical fucker that I am; the problem is, secretly, I am one of those geeks that are quite looking forward to this one. I am torn between the man I've become and the man I wanted to become when I was a boy, before the priests touched me; which is the sort of thing Ridley Scott could direct his next film about.

So on to the main question this blog is asking about...

  What is a Prometheus anyway?

Prometheus is a mythical greek god who appears in Hesiod's Theogony, Occaisionally refered to as the creator of man but almost universally acredited for giving fire to man. something that he was punished for by Zeus, who didn't want man to have fire for some reason or another.

What does that have to do with Alien?

Good question! I'm not sure why but Ridley Scott's initial 1979 Alien had what appeared to be one of the most pointless diversions a film has ever had. When the crew discovered this weird thingy stuck to a chair with a hole in its stomach,(left) but this is where the Prometheus myth comes into play. One of the most enduring images of Prometheus the god is the punishment that Zeus handed him.

The manlike gigantic thing in Alien bares more than a passing resemblance to the portrayals of Prometheus which artists and poets have mused over for thousands of years; the titan who was tied to a tree having his ever regenerating liver pecked out by a giant bird of prey. There is no bird of prey present in Alien but there is a big manlike thing tied down with a hole in his belly. Prometheus has been many things over the six thousand years he has been dipicted and written about, a trickster who incurred the wrath of the most brutal god, a benefactor of mankind who gave the gift of knowledge and intelligence to mankind. He was revered by Karl Marx and apparently hated by Hesiod, but Hesiod was a miserable bastard anyway. It will be interesting to see if Ridley Scott manages to make Prometheus a sympathetic character but as far as I know he won't appear in the film, it is simply the name of the spaceship which Michael Fassbender and co touch down on to find life.

That's the myth but what is the actual film about?

In the late 21st century, a star map is discovered within the imagery of Aztec, Mesopotamian and Magdalenian cultures. The crew of the spaceship Prometheus is sent on a scientific expedition to follow the map as part of a mission to find the origins of mankind. Exploring the advanced civilization of an extraterrestrial race, they soon face a threat to humanity's very existence. Of course I haven't seen the film, so that whole spiel was stolen from wikipedia, which is the sort of thing a school child might do.

...and are there going to be Xenomorphs in it?

I don't know, I can't get my internet connection to work to look it up, talk to me in a minute.

is your internet connection working yet?

Yes, and to answer your previous question, No. Here is what Ridley Scott said in answer to that question.

"No. Absolutely not. They squeezed it dry. He
(the xenomorph) did very well. (He laughs)
He survived, he’s now in Disneyland in Orlando,
and no way am I going back there. How did he
end up in Disneyland? I saw him in Disneyland,
Jesus Christ!"

So are you excited?

hmm... well maybe just a little bit.

April Foo' y'all.

Struggling to come up with anything to write about is the sort of thing that makes me think that I should stop blogging all together, afterall there is so much going on in the world today, there is very little excuse for me to not be inspired. As today is april fools day, I thought I would do some research and come up with the definitive April 1st resource database, to do this I need to open up with a little research.

1. typing in dates the numeric British way on Google does not reap results.

From typing in 1/4/12 on the google search I got the following information:

(1 / 4) / 12 = 0.0208333333

This is very good but it doesn't help me get to the crux of why April 1st is a day for pranking people to make them look stupid.

The evolution of the monkey on the typewriter picture.

The only thing one can do in this situation is to look further down the search results page, there will be any number of pages that will illuminate my knowledge about April first; of course, the next hit is no more interesting.

2. A longwinded anecdote about my religious awakening might give me enough time to research april fools day whilst keeping you both occupied.

On a seperate note, today is the last day that I can walk my dog in the local park because it is about to undergo work to make it an olympic site, which will render it unusable to locals for the next 4 months. Last time I was in this park, I was confronted by a man asking me for change. I didn't have any. He then handed me a leaflet and asked me if I believed in God, to which I replied I don't know. He told me that "the nature of God was love," and if I "ever felt love," then I had "felt God's presence." I took the leaflet and thanked the man for... erm... I'm not quite sure and I went about my way.

God is Glove. a very strange typing error indeed.

Further up the path my dog did a massive shit and at this point I realised I had no doggy poo bags. I had a choice to make, walk away from the poo pretending it was not my responsibility and risk a possible £50 fine, or fashion some kind of makeshift poop scoop out of something. At this point the clouds parted from the sky and a great green beam of light illuminated my hand, which was holding the religious pamphlet which the gentleman gave me. It was clear, God was telling me to pick up the shit with the pamphlet. The whole interaction between me and the missionary man was constructed by God to make me see that he was trying to help me...

Religious awakening, god helps you deal with shit in mysterious ways.

This actually ties in quite well with the next point:

3. typing in a date the Americanised way will invariably bring up lots of religious references.

oremus Bible Browser : Genesis 37:1-4,12-28

I won't link it to you because I am not going to preach to you in the same way that the man in the park did. but that is one of them.

Study Notes:Ephesians 1:4-12 is another.

Now neither of these give us much on April Fools day, the first gives us the story of Jacob, who moved to Canaan and ended up founding the 12 tribes of Israel, which I am sure makes him one of the most popular biblical characters to the Iranians, who quite famously do not get on with Israel.

April Fooooooooolz y'all!!

The Ephesians one is not so much a story as some one or other telling us that God has given mankind a destiny, which in itself sounds worryingly close to the final destination franchise's premise, that we are destined to die in a plane crash and if something happens which prevents that then we will die in elaborate accidents instead... I have heard enough already, I am off to do more research...

4. Googlemaps going 8-bit to work on old Nintendo consoles is a typical April fools day prank



Although I am still not sure what the point of April fools day is.

5. Actually mentioning the actual origins of April Fools Day after dancing around it for so long will probably be an anti-climax now.

6. But I'll do it anyway.

Precursors of April Fools' Day include the Roman festival of Hilaria, held March 25, and the Medieval Festival of Fools, held December 28, still a day on which pranks are played in Spanish-speaking countries.
Iranians play jokes on each other on the 13th day of the Persian new year (Norouz), which falls on April 1 or April 2. This day, celebrated as far back as 536 BC, is called Sizdah Bedar and is the oldest prank-tradition in the world still alive today; this fact has led many to believe that April Fools' Day has its origins in this tradition.

these origins have evolved to this kind of thing.

7. My initial plan was to come up with a ridiculous but believable story about the origin of the wheel.

It would have been brilliant, funny and believable, but I have tripped up so many times on the way to this point that I think I should quit while I am ahead.