greek myth and cock jokes.

Cronus, like manmachine201 is a mythical beast that existed before the age of reason and rationality, penned by Hesiod, a man so old that he also may or may not have existed, he is the first written record of the Greek gods, unless Homer came first, and I am not sure because I haven't looked it up on Wikipedia. I also want to add that Hesiod wrote the Cronus myth and not the Manmachine201 myth because the Manmachine201 myth is not really as good.



Any myths involving vulcan tend to be shit. Use that as a rule of thumb if you like.

A few years ago I had a bit of a disagreement with my father, I felt that he was stifling me and possibly being a little bit abusive to my mother, so I read up on the classics looking for a way to deal with this situation, I eventually found, through Hesiod the perfect way to deal with the situation, one evening, my father came home so I ran upstairs to my mothers room with a sickle made from bits and bobs I eventually climbed inside my mothers vagina, and then when my dad decided to do the business with my mother I cut his bits off mid coitus... needless to say he was not impressed.






So there I was, inside my mothers vaginee, dads penis in my hand and I thought to myself, where am I going with this blog? I have thrown myself in at the deep end with this one. I mean, is there anyone who reads this that is actually interested in greek mythology, would they be prepared to read this? So I did that thing where I took the narrative outside itself and examined it in the hope that people would at least find the self examination amusing.

They didn't so I carried on, and I took control of the kingdom of everything, and then my next door neighbours moved in, and they had a young child which cried a lot. Those of you who know the Cronus myth will know that Cronus loved eating babies, and I thought to myself why not?



Cronus has, for better or worse become a symbol of a time where I was doing really well in my study because I put in an ace 6000 word essay on him and his development as a mythological character, yet now here I am again posting shit grades in a course which I find easier to understand, not least because I have eaten my next door neighbours child and I have my fathers severed penis in my hand.

Now Shake Hands.

Recently the store 'Topman' came under criticism for the design and sale of several offensive t shirts.



The first one is a list of excuses as to why a man might have hit his wife or girlfriend, and the other implies that another mans wife or girlfriend is in fact an animal... both are available in sizes small to extra large and in several different colours. check www.topshop.com for more details.

Of course they are not available anymore, that thing I did just then was a little mock advertisment. Wasn't even that funny. Don't know why I did it. Actually I do know why I did it, I wanted to give the impression that I thought these T-shirts were acceptable when in fact I find them in bad taste.

Perhaps what I should have done was slowly uncover my true feelings about these T-shirts, slowly and deliberately over the course of the blog, but as I don't have the skill or confidence in myself as a writer to do that I'll do this awkward things where I point out the joke and over analyse to the point of exhaustion, and even then carry on writing about it until most people have switched off, some people might have switched off at the initial point having been offended, so what is the answer for them? the people I've bored have short attention spans and can be snapped back into place with a simple picture...



An explosion will suffice, but nudity, corpses or the mugshot of Mel Gibson all work for the attention span people, but for the people I have offended, I would have to make a gesture to win them back, and here it is... here it comes... wait for it... and...



Simple and effective.

Recently FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, came under heavy criticism for advocating the handshake as a method for negating racism on the football pitch, he has faced calls to resign and taken a lot of flak, but is it all necessary, perhaps the people who he offended should just shake his hand and see if he's right.



Blatter and Chelsea Midfielder taking it in turns to hurl racist abuse at Brazilian Midfielder Ronaldinho. (handshake not pictured)

By this logic, if racism on the football field can be negated with a handshake, then so can racism off the field too. Slavery for example, wealthy white Europeans dragged black East African men across the atlantic to be worked to death in plantations in the America's might seem a little bit harsh, and in deed it was. Estimated figures vary from 6-15 million killed through disease, starvation and execution over 4 centuries.



When the slave trade was over was their any problems? did it lead to things like the Ku Klux Klan, widespread segregation in America, lynchings and assassinations of prominant black leaders?

NO! They all shook hands and everything was sorted.



The same thing happened with South African Apartheid, there was a few years of segregation, people feeling like second class citizens in their own land and then white people realized they were wrong and took down all the 'whites only' sign and gave the black people a massive handshake, Apartheid? Sorted!



Blatter with Mandela (again, handshake not pictureed)

A high profile case about racism giong on at the moment is the recently reopened Stephen Lawrence murder trial. Lawrence's death was apparently the result of a racially motivated attack for which no one was brought to justice, the murder uncovered institutional racism in the police force and led to a change in the double jeopardy law, a law which was very good in terms of using for the premise of mediocre films, but in reality was a very strange quirk in the justice system.



Stephen Lawrence would be 35 now.

The ultimate test to the Blatter theory will be at the end of this trial, if Gary Dobson and David Norris are found guilty and they are forced to shake the hands of the parents of the child they murdered, if Stephen Lawrence's is miraculously raised from the dead like Lazarus in that book, which name I have conveniantly forgotten just as I am about to make my final point... what was it again?



No not that one. you always do that when you mention the bible. stupid.

Anyways, pretty sure that a handshake is a nice gesture to put an end to conflict, but we are not quite at the point where we can all shake hands just yet Mr Blatter.

'Journalism'

The Sun newspaper is an easy target at the moment, what with newscorps phone hacking scandal it has become a sitting duck for the left wing Guardianista's (Richard Littlejohn (c) 1998) but for all the amunition the left have on Newscorp and its newspaper empire, they fail to see the good points of their journalism.

I might be accused from time to time of only being as good as the news which is occuring, and although I let Gaddaffi's death, Amanda Knox's conviction overturning, Michael Jackson's doctor being found guilty of his manslaughter all go without comment, todays news is too important to let go. You are (if you are one of those people who accuse manmachine201 of only being as good as the news occuring at the time) right.



All those events fade (Gaddaffi, Jacko, Knox) in significance in comparison to the news events today, reported on the front page of the Sun newspaper.

AXED X FACTOR KITTYS 8 HOUR SEXFEST



An enduring image which is somewhat still less important than todays news.

We all remember where we were on September 11th, some of the older folk remember where they were when the Berlin Wall came down, but we will all remember where we were when AXED X FACTOR KITTYS 8 HOUR SEXFEST occured.



That's Kitty Brucknell, former X-factor contestant.

The older people might remember Ronald Regans 'Evil Empire' Speech, or even Mandela being released and the end of apartheid, but none of these events are culturally or historically as significant as AXED X FACTOR KITTYS 8 HOUR SEXFEST

The Sun of course, could have gone with other news stories on the front page, it could have gone with the reopened Stephen Laurence murder trial, which began today, or the continuing turmoil of the European economy, but how would they have been able to sleep at night when a story as important as AXED X FACTOR KITTYS 8 HOUR SEXFEST



That's Kitty Brucknell, former X factor contestant.

The Sun could have gone with the continuing arab spring and in particular the political turmoil in Jordan, but how could they have lived up to their claims of integrity, honesty and courage if they didn't report first and foremost on their front page AXED X FACTOR KITTYS 8 HOUR SEXFEST

They could have reported the biggest story in the news today, the news that those at the very top of the corporate pyramid were aware of the illegal practices surrounding phone hacking were aware, and that it was not only the News of the World but the integrity, honesty and courageous Sun newspaper, who were the only people brave enough to bring AXED X FACTOR KITTYS 8 HOUR SEXFEST to its front pages.



Sun Newspaper, Ignoring the Truth, Everyday.

What is a Berlusconi?

As everyone knows, I know nothing about current events, I get all my news from Newscorp, and specifically, the Sun newspaper, and even then, I only read the tits page and the sports pages, because I like to pretend to be a man and this is the sort of thing I see other men do on trains, building sites, prison cells and other places frequented by men.



Hanging around public toilets for a long time made other men think one of two things, that either I was a drug addict, or that I was trying to initiate some kind of same sex act of abuse with them, neither were the case. (well, maybe they were both the case a little bit...) Truth was, all I wanted to be was a man, a real man. I started reading further and further into these newspapers for clues, I mean the answer has to be in the Sun Newspaper somewhere doesn't it? otherwise why would so many men read it?

I eventually read about the man Berlusconi. Leader of the Italian people as Julius and Augustus Caesar once were, a man seemingly irresistable to women, a man wielding power and wealth and a full head of hair even though he was quite old. A man who was smashed in the face with a statue and managed to laugh after it. I had found the template to which I would build my own image as a man, and I found it thanks to Rupert Murdoch.



I read further on until I knew more about him. I found out that he didn't think that the German leader's behind was worth penetrating, which is a very alpha male thing to say. I found out about him paying young women to go to parties for his and his friends amusement, better known as 'bunga bunga'. I felt the need to throw my own bunga bunga party, it was amazing except I no one wanted to come, so I pretended people did.



Well I had fun anyway.

I gave these dolls cocaine, chich they didn't take because they were dolls. I asked them took their clothes off as they stared back at me with their dead marble eyes, it all got a bit weird if I'm being honest, so I just called it a night and went to bed crying... I still had a long way to go before I could call myself a man.

I found out lots of other things about Berlusconi, I found out that his favourite footballer of all time was Roberto Baggio, that he had absolutely NO mafia connections whatsoever, I found out that he often suffers from toothache.



and migranes



And that his great grandmother on his fathers side was actually a crab.



Well now he has gone, or at least is going to be gone soon, and having got to this point I have realized that I don't have all that many interesting things to say about him, just that he now he has gone or will be going soon. My hero is gone, and with him, the role model which I had looked up to since what felt like forever, but in actual fact was about the time that I started writing this blog about an hour ago, and even that was just for comic effect.

That aside, I need a new world leader role model to fill a gaping void left by the irrepressable Silvio...

Here are some men and Woman that might take his title.



Armedjadjidjad Armadjidjidjidjijad.

I think thats how its spelt. I mean look at the man, he is a real man. Built like a brick shit house and able to sqeeze off rounds of an artillery gun one handed with a wry smile, and the best thing about this is that it is not photoshopped. Yes he is leader of a terrorist state, and yes he looks like a blind man with eyes that work, which is possibly the most parodoxical feature a world leader can have, but I still like him.

Odds of becoming my new hero... 5/1



Evo Morales.

Possibly the most sharply dressed world leader in the shortlist, socialist with a very masculine jawline. keeps company with Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro, who are also real men and world leaders. Reformist policies and the fact that he is dressed like a Pizza push him ahead of the Iranian President.

Odds of becoming my new hero... 3/1

Angela Merkal.

Only adding her because I like her surname, because it sounds like the name given to a pubic wig. Although she is probably the most politically astute politician europe has to offer at the moment, she is a woman and I am unashamedly sexist.

Odds of becoming my new hero 250/1




There is one man who can take fill the void that Berlusconi will leave if he resigns on monday, a world leader who is strong.



A man who eats what he kills.



A man who tames wild beasts.



Even if my need to hero worship world leaders comes across as a bit, erm... well...
But all this goes to prove how important the cult of personality is amongst the politician, I couldn't truthfully tell you any of these peoples political views, apart from the Bolivian guy who I said was a socialist... or Merkal who is a democrat and possibly the best leader in on the world stage at the moment... and Putin who is staunchly authoritarian, but it is much better to look at pictures of these people and judge them plainly throught their non political activities.

One of my favourite things about Putin is the fact that people seem to be very uncomfortable in his presence, as this blog testifies.

http://uncomfortablemomentswithputin.tumblr.com/

Odds of becoming my next political hero... even.

The problem is, by choosing someone as ruthless, authoritarian and downright hard as Putin, I will never be able to live up to him, and thus will always be a dissapointment to myself and everyone around me, particularly if I start dressing like him, wrestling bears and going fishing topless. I don't have the muscular structure he does, I'm shit at bear wrestling. I'm starting to think that choosing political figures as objects of hero worship might be the wrong tact to take for my self asteem.