There is no artistry in art.

There was a time where art and poetry were glorious forms of expression, well not any more. Because I went on this website and I clicked on several boxes and the internet made a painting for me.


Click here to create your own painting.

With no skill, study or anything like that, I am an artist and anyone who has gone to the royal academy of art can go fuck themselves because I am an artist now, and I don't even need the skills that you have to do it.



Dali thought he was the man but he was wrong. I am the man.

Now that I have conquered the world of art next I turn my attention to the written word. There have been some amazing poems written over the years, epic stories from the aural tradition like Homer's Iliad, Hesiod's Theogeny and  that other poets Beowulf starring Ray Winstone.



This is what Ray Winstone would look like if he wasn't a big fat mockney cunt, but a scandanavian mythological prince.

These are just the early poems before language even knew how to define itself, before it became formalised with rules and punctuation        .
From here poetry and literature in general flourished; Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Shelly, Dante and Blake.



A painting by the poet William blake who judging by this evidence also painted, the painting is based on a passage from Dante's The Divine Comedy which is ironic because it is not very funny at all, in fact, the Inbetweeners and Lee Nelson is much more funnyer isn't it?

So for someone like Seamus Heaney, the party is kind of over, with all the poets that have been before, its pretty obvious that all the best combinations of words to create poetry have already occured. In fact poetry has become so formulaic that there are basic computer programmes that can write as good poetry... Don't believe me? Take the Pepsi challenge; which extract is written by Heaney and which one was randomly generated by a computer?

First extract

Where is the small sun?
Desolation, adventure, and desolation.
All breezes command lively, big gulls.
Why does the captain endure?
O, life!
Second extract

The daddy frog was called a bullfrog
And how he croaked and how the mammy frog
Laid hundreds of little eggs and this was
Frogspawn. You could tell the weather by frogs too
For they were yellow in the sun and brown
In rain.

...Okay, so the second extract is marginally better than the first but it is only a matter of time before a computer programme through sheer knowledge of mathematics will trump human emotion with simple data.



You're gong to need a change in career.

One might argue that even if and when computers take over the writing of literature-      like they took over military capability in 1999 when the military handed over all capability to cyberdine systems which in turn caused the machines to rise up against humans in a nuclear holocaust leaving only pockets of human resistance fighting against the terminators-     then at least Seamus Heaney can make a good living as a translator.



I mentioned Beowulf earlier and now I am mentioning it again, thus echoing an earlier motif... which is kind of poetic, and the fact that it is poetic is also in itself poetic because this blog is about the irrelevance of poetry.

BUT! back to Heaney's skillas a translator... that job is obsolete too since this website.

So there you go, any romantic notion about artistry, inspiration and connecting to the soul dispelled by a single blog.

Is News a Drug?

Looking back on the past year, it is actually amazing how much we were entertained by the news, we had about a weeks worth of news every day in some months. We had The Tunisia, Egypt, Algeria, Libya, Iran all kicking off nicely in the first 3 months of the year, each of them with their own subplots and character development.



Hosni Mubarak: A man who has been in power for about 25 years, who has played such a peripheral part in the news up until this year, we'd all be forgiven for thinking he was just the CEO of a Holiday resort.



With all inclusive deals starting at just £349 per person.

So the Arab Spring was hogging the news for the first few months of the year and in particular Gadaffi's mad-off with Charlie Sheen.

if you would like to try to work out which one was madder click here



Then Japan went tits up because of a natural disaster, then the Euro currency went mental and everyone started talking about Greece, then Berlusconi happened. Quality. Then it turned out the newspapers were hacking murder victims phones. Then London got smashed up by loads of middle class kids upset by student loan fees rising; people sort of supported them Then London got killed by a load of its working class kids. They wanted trainers.



CCTV footage from outside JJB's in Croyden.

Osama Bin Laden got killed, Gadaffi ended up getting killed too.

They didn't show Bin Laden's body but they did show Gadaffi's.




I could just list a number of events that occured in the past year but I am more interested in how the news events and the sheer amount of news coming at us. Has it made us addicted to news?

News has been so ingrained in our system this year, with all these events, that when a story lingers for too long on news stations we turn over to another news station to try to get an alternative view. The few occaisions where we haven't had news this year...ie July and August, people have started various riots under the pretext of some non-existent slight, like some black guy getting shot or student fees going up. If people gave a shit about student fees then they'd be at university doing their coursework, or if they cared about some street hoodlum, they'd have loved him enough to convince him to give up his life of crime.



Not loved enough to be convinced to give up a life of crime.

No. the riots happened not because of poverty or lack of education or class anger, there was nothing on the news. News has become the most addictive substance of the year simply because we have been flooded with it, thanks to the internet and TV and newspapers. There have been several deaths due to news overdoses this year, with reports of nightclubs in london showing BBC news 24 and selling pills made up of the final copy of the news of the world.

So news has turned out to be a more dangerous drug than Mephodrone or Ketamine. The reason for this is that the news can contain ecstacy, cocaine, heroin, amphetamine and methylated spirits.

long term users can look like this if they dont get help...



Sadly, the government don't see news as a problem despite the rising number of people hooked on rolling news. Expect this to become a news story in itself later in the year, by which time you and your children could all be hooked on this latest designer drug.