An Uneasy Guide to the 2012 US election.

The US election leaves many people a little bit bemused. There is nothing anyone in Britain can do about it, and even if we had the vote, then roughly half of us would be left dissapointed and the other half would be all smug for four years until the next general election. There tends to be a 50% split in the vote with 1% either way swinging it for either presidential hopeful. The winner can do things like declare war on various Middle Eastern countries, recieve blow jobs from interns or get their brains blown out while in the back of a car, or if they are lucky, all three.



So back to the problem of 50% of the electorate being left dissapointed by Obama getting into power when half of America wanted Romney to win or vice versa. There may be a solution. People very much enjoyed the theatre of the live debates between Mitt and Barrack. There were some comedy goldmines like the "Binders Full of Women" shenanigans. We found out exactly what these two men were going to do with the nation, which direction they were going to take America in and how they are going to solve some of the most complicated problems ever seen by a Commander in Chief. It is for this reason that I think in the hours leading up until the announcement as to whohas won the election, both candidates should be flown to the swing state of Ohio, where in a televised competition both Obama and Romney should masturbate furiously onto a biscuit, and the one who ejaculates last will have to eat the biscuit.

 

Biscuit?

If Obama was to outgun Romney then the people who initially voted for him would be so disgusted by the fact that he ate a spunk covered biscuit, that it would probably take them 4 years to get over it. If Obama was voted in and still lost the game then the alienated republicans would be comforted by the thought that Barrack Obama would do absolutely anything for his country.



"I will be using this hand to wank onto the biscuit" "And I shall be using this one to wank onto the biscuit."

Another idea I has was that perhaps Michelle Obama and Ann Romney, the wives of the presidential candidates, should both take a televised shit with a CNN camera underneath Ann and a Fox News camera underneath Michelle, and political analysts from either side could make disparaging about the way in which they squeezed out their shits, the consistency of their shit, the colour and content of their shits and that kind of thing... although as I am typing it out I am starting to think it is a little bit nasty, and it isn't really Michelle Obama's fault that she is married to barrack any more than it is Ann's fault she is married to Mitt. For that reason, I'm not going to insist on the presidential candidates wives shitting on worldwide TV, I'm going to stick with insisting that the presidential candidates wank onto a biscuit instead.



Sarah Palin was said to be looking forward to eating both Michelle Obama's and Ann Romney's shit.

At the moment I dont think that it should have any standing over who should go into government, but who knows, eventually this competition could completely replace democracy. Afterall, would this be the kind of rite of passage that would attract the power hungry? Only people prepared to do anything in service of their nation would be. And also it might reduce the need for people writing pros and cons of Presitential Candidates, like the one eloquantly written by Political Commentator, Philosopher and Pimp'O'Pimp Daddy Mac: Snoop Doggy Lion.