It is a combination of all these reasons.
Twat.
Saturday, 30 July 2011
I never liked the Smiths.
This is not because I don't like northerners, its not because I don't like vegans,its not because I don't like racists, its not because I don't like the Irish, its not because I don't like people who don't think before they speak, its not because I don't like, quiffs, its not because I don't like the smiths, its not because I don't like anything to do with manchester.
It is a combination of all these reasons.
Twat.
It is a combination of all these reasons.
Twat.
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Winehouse vs Norway.
When you get stopped on the street for the first time by a charity clipboard person, I'm sure that there is a part of you that feels a great sympathy for the charities cause, that really wants to help. Some of you may even have set up that standing order for the victims of landmines, or the NSPCC.
It is now the 2000th time and you are walking down Regents Street and Brad with the bib and dreadlocks seems to jump in front of you like some clipboard wielding assassin. "Sir! Could you spare a few minutes for the children of Africa?" you already have 30 seperate standing orders for £10 a month coming out of your current account, you are being bled dry by Amnesty International, Save the Children, Oxfam and various other organisations who emply this method of attack on the high streets of great Britain? "Fuck off mate, I hope all the children of Africa die"
Not specifically if it were fraudsters or con men taking £300 from your current account, you'd be just as harsh with them if they asked you for more. Why should the charity worker get it any differently?
It is for this reason that I have started equating sympathy with money and therefore I only have a limited amount of sympathy and need to distribute it fairly and evenly over the course of a calender month. For example my neighbours mother died 6 days after the July 7th Bombings, not a shred of sympathy for her. It had all been used up some 6 days previously, now because of that lack of sympathy I no longer get on with my neighbour, which is a shame because he has a real cool cinema system in his home which we'd watch all the blockbuster movies on in surround sound. In effect, my lack of sympathy cost me in practical terms.
But is it fair to monetise an abstraction such as sympmpathy or empathy and what numbers would we come up with if we did?
I asked Yahoo Answers what number comes after a trillion, and the answer was startling; quadrillion, after that a pentillion, then hexillion, then a septillion, an octillion. These numbers are massive, so big in fact that even delving into them could sidetrack the point I am trying to make by way of almost a paragraph.
realising that this was a dead end in terms of trying to quantify sympathy, and having already compared sympathy to money, I asked yahoo answers how much money was on the planet: the answer according to the IMF website was 40-44 trillion, which doesn't seem that much really considering that money is a man made construct. However, sympathy - although rationalized in human terms - is a natural occurance.
In the same way a parasite is.
However, I am getting magnificantly sidetracked and need to get back to the subject at hand. Several facebook friends have decided that either the people of Norway or Amy Winehouse deserve all their sympathy. I completely understand the need to shit or walk, choose black or white, sleep or wake. After all in todays climate sympathy is limited due to the recession. I obviously need to fit in with my friends. So lets look at the Pro's & cons of sympathising with each and hopefully by the end of this blog (if that ever comes!) I shall have come to an informed decision.
PRO'S OF SYMPATHISING WITH THE WINEHOUSE DEATH
There was something very human about Amy, she had a cracking voice and we grew very familiar with her.
We also know her father through media contact, surely wse must be able to sympathise with a father whose child is so hopelessly lost to drug addiction that he always expected the call from the police that Mitch recieved on saturday.
It is natural human emotion to feel sad for unfulfilled potential.
My sympathy can be directed at a small group of people who will be able to make the most use of it.
CONS OF SYMPATHISING WITH THE WINEHOUSE DEATH
She brought it on herself.
She craved media attention.
She wasn't the prettiest of people (a completely superficial reason but subconsciously, you have little control over things like that.)
She was only one person, people die of this sort of thing all the time and they don't get our sympathy, why should she be any different.
PRO'S OF SYMPATHISING WITH THE VICTIMS IN OSLO
They were innocent victims of a deranged man, with families and their futures in front of them.
Many more died than Amy Winehouse.
They were just normal people going about their business.
They didn't bring it on themselves.
CONS OF SYMPATHISING WITH THE VICTIMS IN OSLO
I don't personally know any of them.
The Norwegians are notorious Whalers, this could be some kind of karma comeback or divine punishment.
More of them died than Amy Winehouse.
The last point is both a pro and a con, by dividing my sympathy among the winehouse family they will get a reasonable amount of sympathy. but if I was to divide the same amount of sympathy among the 95-100 victims of the Oslo massacre, the final amount of sympathy would be the equivalent of leaving a two pence tip in a restaraunt. An insult.
95-100 victims is a lot, roughly the same body count as the film Commando. You might think it is crass to bring up an ultraviolent movie glorifying shooting and bombing, but there are important differences which will help us learn. For example, when Schwarzanegger kills 100 people in a movie, its okay to cheer. When a right wing maniac kills 100 people, it isn't.
It is now the 2000th time and you are walking down Regents Street and Brad with the bib and dreadlocks seems to jump in front of you like some clipboard wielding assassin. "Sir! Could you spare a few minutes for the children of Africa?" you already have 30 seperate standing orders for £10 a month coming out of your current account, you are being bled dry by Amnesty International, Save the Children, Oxfam and various other organisations who emply this method of attack on the high streets of great Britain? "Fuck off mate, I hope all the children of Africa die"
Not specifically if it were fraudsters or con men taking £300 from your current account, you'd be just as harsh with them if they asked you for more. Why should the charity worker get it any differently?
It is for this reason that I have started equating sympathy with money and therefore I only have a limited amount of sympathy and need to distribute it fairly and evenly over the course of a calender month. For example my neighbours mother died 6 days after the July 7th Bombings, not a shred of sympathy for her. It had all been used up some 6 days previously, now because of that lack of sympathy I no longer get on with my neighbour, which is a shame because he has a real cool cinema system in his home which we'd watch all the blockbuster movies on in surround sound. In effect, my lack of sympathy cost me in practical terms.
But is it fair to monetise an abstraction such as sympmpathy or empathy and what numbers would we come up with if we did?
I asked Yahoo Answers what number comes after a trillion, and the answer was startling; quadrillion, after that a pentillion, then hexillion, then a septillion, an octillion. These numbers are massive, so big in fact that even delving into them could sidetrack the point I am trying to make by way of almost a paragraph.
realising that this was a dead end in terms of trying to quantify sympathy, and having already compared sympathy to money, I asked yahoo answers how much money was on the planet: the answer according to the IMF website was 40-44 trillion, which doesn't seem that much really considering that money is a man made construct. However, sympathy - although rationalized in human terms - is a natural occurance.
In the same way a parasite is.
However, I am getting magnificantly sidetracked and need to get back to the subject at hand. Several facebook friends have decided that either the people of Norway or Amy Winehouse deserve all their sympathy. I completely understand the need to shit or walk, choose black or white, sleep or wake. After all in todays climate sympathy is limited due to the recession. I obviously need to fit in with my friends. So lets look at the Pro's & cons of sympathising with each and hopefully by the end of this blog (if that ever comes!) I shall have come to an informed decision.
PRO'S OF SYMPATHISING WITH THE WINEHOUSE DEATH
There was something very human about Amy, she had a cracking voice and we grew very familiar with her.
We also know her father through media contact, surely wse must be able to sympathise with a father whose child is so hopelessly lost to drug addiction that he always expected the call from the police that Mitch recieved on saturday.
It is natural human emotion to feel sad for unfulfilled potential.
My sympathy can be directed at a small group of people who will be able to make the most use of it.
CONS OF SYMPATHISING WITH THE WINEHOUSE DEATH
She brought it on herself.
She craved media attention.
She wasn't the prettiest of people (a completely superficial reason but subconsciously, you have little control over things like that.)
She was only one person, people die of this sort of thing all the time and they don't get our sympathy, why should she be any different.
PRO'S OF SYMPATHISING WITH THE VICTIMS IN OSLO
They were innocent victims of a deranged man, with families and their futures in front of them.
Many more died than Amy Winehouse.
They were just normal people going about their business.
They didn't bring it on themselves.
CONS OF SYMPATHISING WITH THE VICTIMS IN OSLO
I don't personally know any of them.
The Norwegians are notorious Whalers, this could be some kind of karma comeback or divine punishment.
More of them died than Amy Winehouse.
The last point is both a pro and a con, by dividing my sympathy among the winehouse family they will get a reasonable amount of sympathy. but if I was to divide the same amount of sympathy among the 95-100 victims of the Oslo massacre, the final amount of sympathy would be the equivalent of leaving a two pence tip in a restaraunt. An insult.
95-100 victims is a lot, roughly the same body count as the film Commando. You might think it is crass to bring up an ultraviolent movie glorifying shooting and bombing, but there are important differences which will help us learn. For example, when Schwarzanegger kills 100 people in a movie, its okay to cheer. When a right wing maniac kills 100 people, it isn't.
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
Shit films which predict the future
In a way, Wargames, the film with Matthew Broderick was very very much ahead of its time. Tron gets all the kitch plaudits about reliance of technology in film, but Wargames was on about computer hacking prettymuch before computers actually existed... coming up is a sample shitscreenshot from the film. Be careful this might blow your mind.
Yeah, Check out that shit out.
Fact is, with LulzSec fast becoming more feared than Al Quaeda, a little Matthew Broderick type accidentally pointing nukes at Russia becomes a rough but reasonably accurate prediction. LulzSec are almost impossible to describe, they are most certainly fun to watch, they have never killed anyone and they fuck with the establishment and these things make them almost impossible not to like... But yeah, I reckon LulzSec are worth far more than a cheap Matthew Broderick vehicle, although Feris Buellers Day off was an awesome film and also a Broderick film... and there was also a hacking scene where Buellers sickness record was deleted thanks to some hacking. Is Broderick somehow involved with lulzSec? their spiritual leader perhaps?
The Siege
Denzel is undoubtably the best black actor since Louis Armstrong played a trumpet player in the film'high society' if he was white, he'd probably have been just average, not being racist or anything but he's not really got the range of say Hugh Grant or other high calibre actors.
A film made in 1998 where a Saudi terrorist cell attacked New York City, predating a Saudi terrorist cell attacking NYC some 3 years later, one of the few times when the reality far outshone Holywood in terms of pyrotechnics and stuff like that. I reckon thats 2 shit films which predicted future events.
With all the Rupert Murdoch stuff going down at News International with phone hacking and stuff, we could always look at the 3rd worst James Bond film, Tomorrow Never Dies. Bond needs to stop a media mogul planning to take over the world, in a warning that media barons have the power to have governments in pocket and that kind of thing.
*Disclaimer- The villain in this film and his Chinese wife half his age is fictional and in no way representational of Rupert Murdoch and his wife any resemblance to the Murdochs, living or dead is purely co-incidental... seriously.*
So far thats 3 films that manage to predict the future even though they are terrible.
Okay, so hear me out on this one...
If you replace the bugs in starship troopers with the people of Iraq & Afghanistan, then it does get a bit more real, Michael Ironsides depiction of a character in a film played by by Michael Ironside, is particularly real in this film.
Fuck yeah.
If you were to discount all examples of shit films that dont predict the future, and just take the four examples I gave, then it becomes clear that the only way to possibly see the future is to watch shit films, no doubt at some point there will be ditzy American girls wandering the streets with their faces surgically attached to japanese mens arses a la 'Human Centipede'
We could wake up tomorrow and be in a dystopian world where the police have been bought out by a corporation who use the police for commercial purpouses, led by an elderly man who has no choice but to dodge pies at Parliamentary select commitees, after crafting the corpses of murdered police officers to create cyborg police enforcement officers. And Stuff.
I killed Rebecca Brooks because she made a mistake, now its time to erase that mistake.
Yeah, Check out that shit out.
Fact is, with LulzSec fast becoming more feared than Al Quaeda, a little Matthew Broderick type accidentally pointing nukes at Russia becomes a rough but reasonably accurate prediction. LulzSec are almost impossible to describe, they are most certainly fun to watch, they have never killed anyone and they fuck with the establishment and these things make them almost impossible not to like... But yeah, I reckon LulzSec are worth far more than a cheap Matthew Broderick vehicle, although Feris Buellers Day off was an awesome film and also a Broderick film... and there was also a hacking scene where Buellers sickness record was deleted thanks to some hacking. Is Broderick somehow involved with lulzSec? their spiritual leader perhaps?
The Siege
Denzel is undoubtably the best black actor since Louis Armstrong played a trumpet player in the film'high society' if he was white, he'd probably have been just average, not being racist or anything but he's not really got the range of say Hugh Grant or other high calibre actors.
A film made in 1998 where a Saudi terrorist cell attacked New York City, predating a Saudi terrorist cell attacking NYC some 3 years later, one of the few times when the reality far outshone Holywood in terms of pyrotechnics and stuff like that. I reckon thats 2 shit films which predicted future events.
With all the Rupert Murdoch stuff going down at News International with phone hacking and stuff, we could always look at the 3rd worst James Bond film, Tomorrow Never Dies. Bond needs to stop a media mogul planning to take over the world, in a warning that media barons have the power to have governments in pocket and that kind of thing.
*Disclaimer- The villain in this film and his Chinese wife half his age is fictional and in no way representational of Rupert Murdoch and his wife any resemblance to the Murdochs, living or dead is purely co-incidental... seriously.*
So far thats 3 films that manage to predict the future even though they are terrible.
Okay, so hear me out on this one...
If you replace the bugs in starship troopers with the people of Iraq & Afghanistan, then it does get a bit more real, Michael Ironsides depiction of a character in a film played by by Michael Ironside, is particularly real in this film.
Fuck yeah.
If you were to discount all examples of shit films that dont predict the future, and just take the four examples I gave, then it becomes clear that the only way to possibly see the future is to watch shit films, no doubt at some point there will be ditzy American girls wandering the streets with their faces surgically attached to japanese mens arses a la 'Human Centipede'
We could wake up tomorrow and be in a dystopian world where the police have been bought out by a corporation who use the police for commercial purpouses, led by an elderly man who has no choice but to dodge pies at Parliamentary select commitees, after crafting the corpses of murdered police officers to create cyborg police enforcement officers. And Stuff.
I killed Rebecca Brooks because she made a mistake, now its time to erase that mistake.
Monday, 18 July 2011
Manmachine201's guide to being alone.
If films are to be believed as methods of exploring the human condition, there are 3 ways of dealing with being lonely...
Tom hanks dealt with it by writing messages to himself on a wall and drawing a picture on a ball which he named wilson which in all honesty is a vicious piece of cynical product placement.
Another way of dealing with loneliness is to hack off your own limbs...
Like what James Franco did when he spent 127 hours alone.
Or divorcing your parents and befriending Michael Jackson ala McCauley Culkin.
Because being alone doesn't make you weird.
However films are not to be believed. I'm pulling the rug from under you, making you accept that there are only 3 ways to act if being alone. Millions of people have been alone forever. so many people have been alone that they have made words for them like Spinster, which is the name of a woman who is alone, the fact that there is a word for a female lonely old person probably means there is a word for a lonely old man, but I don't know it and can't be bothered to look it up.
Fortunately I'm not on my own for that long just a few days. So what am I going to do whilst being alone?
Watch films maybe.
I could even take up a new sport, like vomiting, or stalking, I could write a blog.
Part of the problem here is that this is actually a re-edit of an unfinished blog from a very long time ago, so I will not be on my own, either tomorrow or in the foreseeable future. In fact I have been trying to get into the headspace of a man who is about to be left alone, and all I can think of is that I over analyze song lyrics, but not any song lyrics, one particular set of song lyrics which pop up in several different songs.
May I introduce to you 'A Thief in the Night'. A completely overused metaphor in pop songwriting. A biblical reference from Thesolonians 5.24.
So Take That- Re-light my fire.
Not originally by them but by dancey gay dude Dan Hartman, In this song Hartman metaphorically uses theives in the night, ones that took away the love that he knew. I'm not into using this as a metaphors, not when there are actually real life theives in the night.
Hot Chip Thieves in the Night.
These guys have big kahunas to actually use this as a title, but at the very least they don't insult our intelligence asking us to compare a thief in the night to someone taking away love that we knew, instead Alexis Taylor tells us something about his mother told him when he was young, something so right. "She said to take care for thieves in the night". I completely empathise with this. My mum often told me that if I misbehaved that a man would come and take me away. No indication as to where, or when, just that he would, so happy with this one.
Alphabeat- 10000 nights of thunder.
Absolute shite, back to a metaphorical use, where:
"You came like a thief in the night and stole my heart". The next line is something to do with the fact that medically it is impossible to survive if someone has physically removed the heart from the body so the singer of Alphabeat asphixiated because his blood had no oxygen being pumped around the body.
Kings of Tomorrow- Finally
Metafuckingphors. I want them to stop now, they're not big and not clever, although, this person is simply "unanounced, like a thief in the night." Which I suppose is not so bad, I guess Thieves don't like to be announced at any time of the day, let alone at night, when they are most likely to steal things.
but no, the metaphors continue thick and fast...
Kiss- Thief in the night
Like a thief in the night - she breaks into his heart
Like a thief in the night
Like a thief in the night - she never leaves her mark
Like a thief in the night - alright, alright
Breaking into someones heart must be the most pointless exercise there is, the only thing you'll find in there is muscle tissue, cartlidge and blood, fuckloads of blood.
although on the plus side...Who'd have thought to rhyme Night with Alright? clever eh?
Not sure who is about to break into who's heart, perhaps they should all just go home and forget that they ever met, I mean what are kiss and Lewis hamilton doing in the same picture? is it real, even if it isn't someone must have imagined them together, perhaps there are people out there whose obsession is picking unlikely groups of people to photoshop together, where as mine is simply unpicking the lyric 'like a thief in the night' from various songs.
This is why I should never be left alone, Or more precisely its why my dog shouldn't be left alone, because he just sleeps through the day and keeps me up at night, stopping me from sleeping... stealing hours and hours of sleep from me... If only I could find a suitable metaphor for the dog that steals hours of sleep from me... if I had all my functions then I'd probably have no trouble.
Tom hanks dealt with it by writing messages to himself on a wall and drawing a picture on a ball which he named wilson which in all honesty is a vicious piece of cynical product placement.
Another way of dealing with loneliness is to hack off your own limbs...
Like what James Franco did when he spent 127 hours alone.
Or divorcing your parents and befriending Michael Jackson ala McCauley Culkin.
Because being alone doesn't make you weird.
However films are not to be believed. I'm pulling the rug from under you, making you accept that there are only 3 ways to act if being alone. Millions of people have been alone forever. so many people have been alone that they have made words for them like Spinster, which is the name of a woman who is alone, the fact that there is a word for a female lonely old person probably means there is a word for a lonely old man, but I don't know it and can't be bothered to look it up.
Fortunately I'm not on my own for that long just a few days. So what am I going to do whilst being alone?
Watch films maybe.
I could even take up a new sport, like vomiting, or stalking, I could write a blog.
Part of the problem here is that this is actually a re-edit of an unfinished blog from a very long time ago, so I will not be on my own, either tomorrow or in the foreseeable future. In fact I have been trying to get into the headspace of a man who is about to be left alone, and all I can think of is that I over analyze song lyrics, but not any song lyrics, one particular set of song lyrics which pop up in several different songs.
May I introduce to you 'A Thief in the Night'. A completely overused metaphor in pop songwriting. A biblical reference from Thesolonians 5.24.
So Take That- Re-light my fire.
Not originally by them but by dancey gay dude Dan Hartman, In this song Hartman metaphorically uses theives in the night, ones that took away the love that he knew. I'm not into using this as a metaphors, not when there are actually real life theives in the night.
Hot Chip Thieves in the Night.
These guys have big kahunas to actually use this as a title, but at the very least they don't insult our intelligence asking us to compare a thief in the night to someone taking away love that we knew, instead Alexis Taylor tells us something about his mother told him when he was young, something so right. "She said to take care for thieves in the night". I completely empathise with this. My mum often told me that if I misbehaved that a man would come and take me away. No indication as to where, or when, just that he would, so happy with this one.
Alphabeat- 10000 nights of thunder.
Absolute shite, back to a metaphorical use, where:
"You came like a thief in the night and stole my heart". The next line is something to do with the fact that medically it is impossible to survive if someone has physically removed the heart from the body so the singer of Alphabeat asphixiated because his blood had no oxygen being pumped around the body.
Kings of Tomorrow- Finally
Metafuckingphors. I want them to stop now, they're not big and not clever, although, this person is simply "unanounced, like a thief in the night." Which I suppose is not so bad, I guess Thieves don't like to be announced at any time of the day, let alone at night, when they are most likely to steal things.
but no, the metaphors continue thick and fast...
Kiss- Thief in the night
Like a thief in the night - she breaks into his heart
Like a thief in the night
Like a thief in the night - she never leaves her mark
Like a thief in the night - alright, alright
Breaking into someones heart must be the most pointless exercise there is, the only thing you'll find in there is muscle tissue, cartlidge and blood, fuckloads of blood.
although on the plus side...Who'd have thought to rhyme Night with Alright? clever eh?
Not sure who is about to break into who's heart, perhaps they should all just go home and forget that they ever met, I mean what are kiss and Lewis hamilton doing in the same picture? is it real, even if it isn't someone must have imagined them together, perhaps there are people out there whose obsession is picking unlikely groups of people to photoshop together, where as mine is simply unpicking the lyric 'like a thief in the night' from various songs.
This is why I should never be left alone, Or more precisely its why my dog shouldn't be left alone, because he just sleeps through the day and keeps me up at night, stopping me from sleeping... stealing hours and hours of sleep from me... If only I could find a suitable metaphor for the dog that steals hours of sleep from me... if I had all my functions then I'd probably have no trouble.
Saturday, 16 July 2011
You used to be alright... what happened?
The dust is still settling after 10 days that have rocked british Journalism to its very core, I am talking of course about somthing else and not the other thing. But I'll probably allow myself to get sidetracked from the other thing so that we can talk about Phone Tapping, news papers, a shadow network of political type stuff and ginger women.
Not that one, silly!
So, News of the World hacked the phones of Millie Downer, Holly & Jessica, and Madeline McCann... People have been very quick to ponder the morality of this issue, but they seem to be overlooking a very important point, Children this young shouldn't have mobile phones. I am personally very suprised that News International didn't use this as their first line of defence in the scandal. Perhaps Rebbecah Brooks would have kept her job had they just implied through some strategically placed editorials, some borderline racism blaming immigrants and some tits. This has been a foolproof system in the past, so where did it go wrong?
It seems that the newspaper buying public find anything to do with dead kids, soldiers and terrorist attack victims a bit touchy, this has been a fact that News international publications have capitalized on for years, so when it turns out that The phones of the families of murder victims it stands to reason that the public that the Sun and News of the World have been keeping so completely outraged for so long would eventually turn on them.
It is for this reason that Rebecca Brooks, (She changed her name from Wade a few years ago, no doubt to try to distance herself from this bloody mess.)is currently one of the most villified people in the UK. Her main line of defence from what I can ascertain is that she is trying to convince the public that not only was she unaware of the phone hacking going on whilst she was running the News of the World, but also that she is infact Murdered Todler Sarah Payne.
Go on, Kiss each other.
What has been most eye opening, is how deep this runs. Police were being paid off, People who resigned over scandals were being hand picked for media jobs in government. Prime ministers in cahoots with the murdocks who have been hiring investigators with links to the criminal underworld. Yes its frightening, but also, it is almost exactly like the Wire, multi stranded complex and unforgiving narative which needs to be followed very closely to make sure you get everything.
It is all very well acting all shocked and discusted by the conduct of the Murdoch newspapers, but be honest with yourselves, you must have had an inkling, you just have to read a few pages before you're becoming tempted to burn your local mosque after filling it with gays and immigrants whilst furiously masturbating over pictures of former big brother contestants, who have been stung by a fake Sheik...
When all is said and done, the news of the world and Murdochs right wing media empire which acts above the laws of the land, is nothing but a symptom, The News of The World was Britains best selling newspaper up until last week, they were giving the people what they want. And besides what harm did listening in on a few messages really do?
Not that one, silly!
So, News of the World hacked the phones of Millie Downer, Holly & Jessica, and Madeline McCann... People have been very quick to ponder the morality of this issue, but they seem to be overlooking a very important point, Children this young shouldn't have mobile phones. I am personally very suprised that News International didn't use this as their first line of defence in the scandal. Perhaps Rebbecah Brooks would have kept her job had they just implied through some strategically placed editorials, some borderline racism blaming immigrants and some tits. This has been a foolproof system in the past, so where did it go wrong?
It seems that the newspaper buying public find anything to do with dead kids, soldiers and terrorist attack victims a bit touchy, this has been a fact that News international publications have capitalized on for years, so when it turns out that The phones of the families of murder victims it stands to reason that the public that the Sun and News of the World have been keeping so completely outraged for so long would eventually turn on them.
It is for this reason that Rebecca Brooks, (She changed her name from Wade a few years ago, no doubt to try to distance herself from this bloody mess.)is currently one of the most villified people in the UK. Her main line of defence from what I can ascertain is that she is trying to convince the public that not only was she unaware of the phone hacking going on whilst she was running the News of the World, but also that she is infact Murdered Todler Sarah Payne.
Go on, Kiss each other.
What has been most eye opening, is how deep this runs. Police were being paid off, People who resigned over scandals were being hand picked for media jobs in government. Prime ministers in cahoots with the murdocks who have been hiring investigators with links to the criminal underworld. Yes its frightening, but also, it is almost exactly like the Wire, multi stranded complex and unforgiving narative which needs to be followed very closely to make sure you get everything.
It is all very well acting all shocked and discusted by the conduct of the Murdoch newspapers, but be honest with yourselves, you must have had an inkling, you just have to read a few pages before you're becoming tempted to burn your local mosque after filling it with gays and immigrants whilst furiously masturbating over pictures of former big brother contestants, who have been stung by a fake Sheik...
When all is said and done, the news of the world and Murdochs right wing media empire which acts above the laws of the land, is nothing but a symptom, The News of The World was Britains best selling newspaper up until last week, they were giving the people what they want. And besides what harm did listening in on a few messages really do?
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Manmachine201's uneasy guide to being a music critic..
1. Majestic
I have no idea what a majestic piece of music sounds like, yet albums by the Courteeners, Radiohead, Jeff Buckley, Coldplay and Elbow all fall under the majestic category, music critics don't like to compare bands to other bands because they fear their peers will, accuse them of being lazy... apart from in example 2.
2. _________ are Like_____ crossed with _______ /at a party/funeral/in a gym/ having a fight/ on crack/heroin etc.
On the back of the Moldy Peaches debut and ultimately their only proper album, kindly wrote a review template for critics on the back cover of their album, the template has remained an important part of the lazy critics review.
Unfortunately I could only find the front cover image.
The ____ are like _____ on ____ was also unearthed by Stewart Lee and Richard Herring as a tool for lazy hacks. eg. 'The Flaming Lips are like Electric Light Orchestra on Acid'. Or Eminem is like Vanilla Ice on crack.
This is one of a very limited and very specific set of rules that are used particularly by tabloid reviewers. Tabloid reviewers also give every album 4 or 5 stars.
3. Visceral, Etheral etc. (trans) " I am a pretenteous fucking twat
4. Sub Genre-isation.
Journalists and music journalists are always trying to create new genres and sub genres, they do it so often that you could use the metaphor of them throwing their own shit at a very public wall, lets, for arguments sake suggest the great wall of china, they throw lump after lump of their own turd in the hope that some of it sticks... Dance music is a particular ball ache to keep up with. house. that was simple, then came techno, or maybe the other way round. Then came tech-house a fusion of the two then breakbeat, then tech breaks, then drum & bass, drill & bass, tech step, 2 step garage, funky house, deep house, chill house, chill core, acid house, acid techno acid trance, liquid drum & bass, jump up drum & bass, Jungle Booty Bass, Hardcore, happy hardcore, New Skool breaks, big beat, nu beat, rare groove, acid jazz, old skool breaks, minimal house, click house. All literally because a coked up journo hack at mixmag failed to have anything meaningful to write about, so he imagined a new 'scene' with a radical form of new music which didn't sound all that different to the others. See? I've got about 300 words just from listing the bullshit on the spot made up sub genres in one form of music... I could easily move onto brit pop, brit hop, krautrock, nu-folk etc etc etc...
John Peel didn't give a shit about all these stupid buzzwords.
I was going to carry on finding more music critic cliche's but then I typed in 'music critic cliches' on a google search and it turns out someone has pretty much already written out the same things as me in a blog almost word for word. let him fucking sue me. I'd written most of this before I saw that blog anyway.
I have no idea what a majestic piece of music sounds like, yet albums by the Courteeners, Radiohead, Jeff Buckley, Coldplay and Elbow all fall under the majestic category, music critics don't like to compare bands to other bands because they fear their peers will, accuse them of being lazy... apart from in example 2.
2. _________ are Like_____ crossed with _______ /at a party/funeral/in a gym/ having a fight/ on crack/heroin etc.
On the back of the Moldy Peaches debut and ultimately their only proper album, kindly wrote a review template for critics on the back cover of their album, the template has remained an important part of the lazy critics review.
Unfortunately I could only find the front cover image.
The ____ are like _____ on ____ was also unearthed by Stewart Lee and Richard Herring as a tool for lazy hacks. eg. 'The Flaming Lips are like Electric Light Orchestra on Acid'. Or Eminem is like Vanilla Ice on crack.
This is one of a very limited and very specific set of rules that are used particularly by tabloid reviewers. Tabloid reviewers also give every album 4 or 5 stars.
3. Visceral, Etheral etc. (trans) " I am a pretenteous fucking twat
4. Sub Genre-isation.
Journalists and music journalists are always trying to create new genres and sub genres, they do it so often that you could use the metaphor of them throwing their own shit at a very public wall, lets, for arguments sake suggest the great wall of china, they throw lump after lump of their own turd in the hope that some of it sticks... Dance music is a particular ball ache to keep up with. house. that was simple, then came techno, or maybe the other way round. Then came tech-house a fusion of the two then breakbeat, then tech breaks, then drum & bass, drill & bass, tech step, 2 step garage, funky house, deep house, chill house, chill core, acid house, acid techno acid trance, liquid drum & bass, jump up drum & bass, Jungle Booty Bass, Hardcore, happy hardcore, New Skool breaks, big beat, nu beat, rare groove, acid jazz, old skool breaks, minimal house, click house. All literally because a coked up journo hack at mixmag failed to have anything meaningful to write about, so he imagined a new 'scene' with a radical form of new music which didn't sound all that different to the others. See? I've got about 300 words just from listing the bullshit on the spot made up sub genres in one form of music... I could easily move onto brit pop, brit hop, krautrock, nu-folk etc etc etc...
John Peel didn't give a shit about all these stupid buzzwords.
I was going to carry on finding more music critic cliche's but then I typed in 'music critic cliches' on a google search and it turns out someone has pretty much already written out the same things as me in a blog almost word for word. let him fucking sue me. I'd written most of this before I saw that blog anyway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)