The MOWO awards.

This month is black history month. All month long, the whole of october, dedicated to everything that happened in the past that is anything to do with black people.



Like that time when Carlos/Smith did black power salutes at the olympics. A pivotal moment in black history when some black men raised their hands in a fist shape.



Then Malcolm X happened.

Of course there would be uproar if ever there was a dedicated WHITE HISTORY MONTH, dedicated to all the things that white people have done, a chance for white people to be proud for once. White people are worthy of adolation after all, Galileo was white, Yuri Gagarin was white, John Lennon was white, Al Jolson was white, Michael Jackson was white. I could essentially list all the people of any consequence who were white. Florence nightingale was white, Thomas Edison was white, John F Kennedy was white, Chet Baker was white, Patrick Moore was, and still is white, there are lots of white people that deserve adolation. Bob Marleys dad was white, Bill Hicks was white, Elizabeth I was white, Elizabeth II was and still is white. I could go on. Bob Monkhouse was white George Best was white Callum Best was and still is white.



See? White!

They (I think that when people say, 'they' they mean, the Guardian...or the blacks) would no doubt kick up a right stink if there was a MOWO awards or a white history month.) There are of course no problems when people bring up Jewish history month, after all no one wants to come across as anti- semetic, and as well as that, what happened in the holocaust wasn't very nice. So Jewish people are alowed to explore their roots.



I similarly don't have a problem when the Irish want to explore their history with a wave of publicity because they are a chirpy bunch Irish history can always be celebrated with a hearty measure of Guinness while wearing a silly hat.



Yes, like that, to be sure.

Unfortunately, this is where it gets complicated and it becomes clear that you shouldn't really make the kind of assertions and inferances like the ones I made at the start of this blog. You see what I have done is tried to get the people with who think that there should be a MOWO awards down to about here before explaining why there doesn't need to be a MOWO awards, or a white history month.



Because pricks like him have enough ammunition already.

If we accept Irish identity and Jewish identity without question then why does the white middle class get so touchy about Black identity? Have we really had some strange colonial stereotype embeded so deep into our psyche that we are doomed to fear black people forever?

Have a think back to what you learned in your history class at school, 1066, the reformation of the church, the arse end of colonialism, the 1st World War, the rise of Hitler, possibly some Roman history if you went on to A-Level. Essentially, exclusively white history, the kind of history that David Starkey teaches you about on those stuffy and boring programmes about the tudors on Channel 4.



The same David Starkey who blamed black culture for the London riots earlier in the year.

So if someone who is of such a high profile can blame black culture for something like the degradation of society then surely black culture has the right to stand up for itself. Black history month celebrates not only black culture, but People like William Wilberforce, a white upper class MP from the 18th century who thought that slavery was wrong on principal, which paved the way not only for racial equality but workers rights and whilst back when I listed people of consequence who were white you probably recognised most of the names, maybe people like Ida B Wells-barnet, Al Sharpton, Paul Robeson, Lonnie G Johnson, Granville T woods and John Coltrane deserve to get a mention, what harm could it do?



Furthermore awards like the MOBO's do not exclude white artists, Jessie J, Jamiroquai, Amy Winehouse and the Neo Nazi band SKREWDRIVER have all won MOBO's apart from the Neo Nazi band SKREWDRIVER, I couldn't resist adding them to the MOBO winners list for a cheap laugh... but the 3 examples of numberous white winners of MOBO's prove that they far from exclude white people, so white people dont have to feel marginalised. So lets stop standing in the corner snearing about 'political correctness gone mad' nonsense and get involved in black history month by enjoying this rather tastless picture of a blacked up Al Jolson, which rather amusingly undoes all of the liberal defence of black culture in one felled swoop.



And he was doing so well.

seemingly innocuous.

having recently become a fully fledged scientist, I have been working on chemical compounds which will change the world, open up the human experience to a better world. Scientists over the past 100 years have worked on clever weaponary which could destroy the whole world dozens of times over.



The Microwave may seem like a seemingly innocuous invention which cooks micromeals nicely, Some might wonder how micromeals were even cooked before, myself included. But if I were to tell you that the technology which developed the microwave was initially looked into with the intention of frying the brains of Russians, then that little ping at the end of 3 minutes which signifies that the shitty plastic covered chicken korma is going to be hotter than the sun, suddenly takes on a sinister undertone.



Penicilin is a seemingly innocuous substance made of mouldy bread but when you dig deeper it becomes apparent that Penicilin is simply a drug designed to speed up the healing process of wounded soldiers so they could quickly get back on the battle field and kill South African soldiers of the Boer Republic.



"...who's ancestors would one day not have to go through the judicial system in America because they have diplomatic immunity. Like the bad guy in Lethal Weapon 2."

This is why I have tried to come up with a chemical composition which is not going to be used for war, I have tried to come up with a chemical compound which will stop drought, help create life and food for everyone in the world.

I combined 2 molecules of Hydrogen, which is the most common element in the Universe and 1 molecule of pure oxygen, I did it with selotape and some staples and I created a chemical compound called water, but then someone told me that water was already invented.



Not only that but water was specifically designed to drown witches, to help people get electrocuted and to cause tsunami's in the far east, as well as provide a nice habitat to killer sharks.

So I went back to the drawing board and came up with a much better chemical compound. I combined 2 carbon atoms with 5 hydrogen atoms before adding a single oxygen atom... by the time I added carbon to the hydrogen atoms I had run out of staples, so like all good scientists, I resorted to prit stick.



But something still wasn't right, I added one more hydrogen atom and the circle was complete, I had created ALCOHOL THE SECOND MOST POWERFUL SUBSTANCE KNOWN TO MAN (and woman) C2H5OH. So I tested it on a group of people, and they loosened up, then started acting inapropriately, then some of them started losing their motor function and one of them was sick on my shoe.



It turns out that the chemical compound I invented was alcohol, which led to the invention of alcoholics and liver and kidney disease and caused Kerry Katona to be all pissed up on This Morning When Fern Britten and Phillip Scofield looked on disaprovingly.



Fair play to her, I'm usually pissed by the end of Jeremy Kyle too.

It turns out that the majority of the ideas I have whether it be for chemical compounds, or... erm, I dunno, blogs, for example, have all been done before, and even if they start out being good intentioned, they end up being used to drown puppies or at the very least, say nasty things about former CEO's, and Kerry Katona, who I don't have an opinion on either way. And to make things worse, I dont even have enough examples of my own ideas to finish the rule of three, an important writing tool which if left unused leaves ideas seem unfinished.

Although looking at the above paragraph, there is one thing I do have a very strong opinion on, and that is comma's, there are 10 of them in the previous paragraph and only two fullstops, which is kind of what James Joyce used to do, which is also a very egotistical thing to say, because he is one of the best known writers, like, ever. But he didn't invent water, I did. And he didn't invent alcohol either, I did. Although I didn't invent either of them first, which leave my achievements looking seemingly innocuous.

I think my last blog killed steve jobs.

Steve has not been well for a while, 2004 was the point we all found out about his Pancreatic cancer, 7 years is a long time to have cancer. It takes a lot of self belief, positivity and sheer bloody-mindedness to defeat cancer... So when after chemo, invasive surgery, and course of far east herbal treatments, it still hangs in the balance.

Then Jobs, after his body has been battered by radiation and the knife, he read my blog, a blog about how the world is going to be okay because Steve Jobs is about to die.



Now the problem with the above level of smugness is that it cant last forever pride becomes before the fall. as the old addage goes.


The smug facade masked the fragile ego of a man who the slightest non-sycophantic blog could be fatal, and I am pretty certain that Steve Jobs read my blog. And it killed him...




i-Bye

While he was alive he was thought to have invented Apples, which are a type of fruit, although it turned out that Paul McCartney some 40 years earlier had invented the Apple. But even more recent evidence suggests that the apple was acutally invented by God and was not supposed to be eaten, according to the first ever i-Book, the bible.



Steve Jobs didn't actually invent apples, and he certainly didn't invent the bible but what he did do was take words and put a lowercase 'i' in front of it... which is pretty spectacular. did he invent the wheel? no. did he re-invent it? definately.



The wheel control thing was pretty much just a different alternative to pressing buttons, not a better idea, just a different one.

Anyway, if I wrote a blog that made Steve Jobs die, does this make me a murderer? Well lets look at the Amanda Knox trial as a tester.



In answer to the question on everyones minds... Yes, leaving it looking like a plasterers radio.

Amanda Knox recently had a murder charge overturned, and too right, no one that good looking should be in jail, but is she as 'foxy' now she has been found innocent? its not quite the same jerking off to a sexy lady who isn't also a serial killer. Although, wank fans bare in mind that all the experts wire in agreement that Meredith Kercher (or Meridith 'Who?' as the daily mail called her yesterday.) had more than one killer. There is still a possibility that although Knox didn't slit Kerchers throat, she held her down, as someone else did.

So according to the Italian court of appeal, this is not a crime, which helps my case if I get extrodited for the murder of Steve Jobs...

However, if we look to the trial of the horrible bastard murderer cuntfuck, Conrad Black, who seems to have been found guilty already of the death of Peter Pan, the King of Pop Michael Jackson, then there is a very real chance I am going to prison.



...where there is every chance I will have to share a cell with a kiss chasing physician.

So, a man hiring a doctor and essentially paying him hundreds of thousands of dollars a month to prescribe him whatever he wanted looks to be very close to making the doctor a murderer. This means that extrodition becomes more of a possibility. Lets look at a man who could be extradited to the US for essentially writing blogs.



Julian Assanage is wanted by the US for publishing sensitive material and is a posterboy for freedom of speech, it is unfortunate that he is also suspected of raping two women in scandanavia as well, this makes it less clear as to whether or not I will be extradited for killing Steve Jobs.



According to the prosecutors of Ratzlav Karadzic, in the 90's he wrote blogs about hundreds of thousands of muslims during the civil war that tore apart yugoslavia, it is thought that these blogs caused entire villages of peoples bones to appear in shallow graves all over eastern europe.

I have since discovered that it takes more than a tasteless piece of writing about someone to actually do any damage to them and that my blog had a lot less to do with Job's death than the cancerous cells that had completely taken hold of his body in spite of the best healthcare in America.
In actual fact Steve Jobs has probably never read my blog apart from when looking up pictures of Amanda Knox, because according to my stats page it is the only reason people actually look at this blog. It turns out that the lesson is not that I should be careful with what I say, but that it doesn't matter what I say, as no one reads it anyway...

Fuck You Jobs. If you had have made a changable battery for the ipod, then none of this would have ever happened. you blue sky thinking, visionary bastard, you.