As a cyclist on London’s roads my odds of surviving the year
are probably a lot shorter than yours, unless you are one of the nuclear clean-up
workers from Fukushima, a sword swallower or you are terminally ill with
cancer. If you are one of these then YAY! The chances are I am going to live
longer than you! But if I don’t I will probably die in the road with little
dignity in a pool of blood surrounded by people all staring at me, it will be
very dramatic. And the worst thing is, as a cyclist, I will have no respect
from the people surrounding me, because everyone will assume I am a drug cheat.
Armstrong: Coming clean.
I don’t cycle to work to gain any respect but I don’t want
my name to be brought into disrepute because of something that Lance Armstrong
did. I have never taken EPO or had blood
transfusions to improve my performance as a cyclist. I just want to get to work
on time. Armstrong has not only made pretty much everyone on the planet jump to
the conclusion that everyone on a bike is a performance enhancing drug user,
but that everyone with the same surname is also a liar.
More people believe that the lunar landings were faked since
Armstrong’s admission, simply because the first man on the moon shares the same
surname. People don’t believe that the Lead Guitarist from Green Day, Billie
Joe Armstrong exists anymore, and sales of the action toy Stretch Armstrong
have fallen dramatically.
When people go on Oprah these days it is usually to make a
twat of themselves. Toni Braxton claims her career was damaged by appearing on
Oprah and Tom Cruise made a twat of himself jumping on her sofa, declaring his
love for Katie Holmes. However all of those pale into significance when placed
next to Lance Armstrong admitting he was a drug cheat on her show. Not only do
we know that Armstrong has no testicles due to having his balls cut off after
having cancer, but he had to endure the extra humiliation of admitting that he
was rubbish at cycling too.
So what does this mean for other cyclists? Well most of
Britain’s gold medals at this summer’s Olympics were from cyclists, so
naturally everyone assumes that every British athlete is a drug cheat. All
Lance Armstrong’s fault. Bradley Wiggins goes as far as to claim that Armstrong's admission writes off the entire sport of cycling in the 1990's as doping was so widespread in the sport Wiggins does not endorse the use of performance enhancing drugs although he has been accused of sporting performance enhancing sideburns.
Performance Enhancing Sideburns?
In Armstrong's Oprah interview, he trys to justify his position by saying it was because he had cancer and because he had one of his balls removed. Well Hitler only had one testicle and at no point did he blame the fact that he was the architect for the hollocaust on it. so in effect what Armstrong did makes him worse than Hitler.
This also leads us to speculation that other people in the
public eye were also on drugs. There are rumours that Shaun Ryder from the
Happy Mondays also took performance enhancing drugs to make him better at
singing. Rumours are also rife that Jeith Richards from the Rolling Stones took performance enhancing drugs to make him more cool, although who made that allegation is unclear, experts are looking into it to see if there is any truth in it; bob Marley may have dabbled in drug use too. This shatters the illusion of the perfection of many role models.
But most of all, the thousands of cyclists who have taken to our streets now have their reputation in tatters because everyone assumes they are on EPO, a bizarre doping system which is almost impossible to detect, when in fact most of them are just trying to save on extorionate train and bus fares, and not trying to win the Tour De France. So next time you see a cyclist, don't snear, they are just trying to get on, and it is a few bad eggs like Armstrong that spoil it for the rest of them. Like I said, I am just trying to get to work on time... now where is that syringe? I have to race a bus in the morning!
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