Kim Jong wut?

With the threat of Thermonuclear war at its most potent since the Cuban Missile Crisis, there is a lot of stuff to talk about. North Korea have officially declared that they will go to war with the US in the next few days; all of this is worrying and leads us to ask the question: what is going on in Kim Jong Un's head?


Judging by this picture, Un is a man who likes to sit at desks, accompanied by the military, looking at pieces of paper. Surely he is harmless?

Well, thanks to detailed analysis from camp201, we can reveal that there is a darker side to Un.
Un is one of several brothers and sisters, Kim Jong Anne Kim Jong In, Kim Jong Out, Kim Jong Do The OkeyKoki And You Turn Around and Kim Jong That's What It's All About. As the oldest of his siblings, he has inhereted the title of his father, star of Team America, Gone With the Wind and Training Day, Kim Jong Il.

Il was a long seving ruler of the military jaunta controlling North Korea and managed to maintain power for 15 years, throughout his rule he was promoted several times from the Chairman of the Communist Party, to Leader, to Supreme Leader and then took the position of God of the North Korean Communists. Un has a lot to live up to and that could explain the reason for his recent extreme rhetoric.



Hurro!

Because journalist access to North Korea is extremely limited, we can't get too much information about the new leader who is threatening a thermonuclear attack on the worlds biggest military superpower... But from Sources in North Korea, we can determine this:

His favourite sport is Basketball and is a fan of the Chicago Bulls. Would he really launch a nuclear attack on his beloved Chicago bulls?

He is obsessed with Eric Clapton. Would he really launch a thermonuclear attack on his beloved Eric Clapton?

He is pro Nuclear weapons. Would he really launch a thermonuclear attack thus reducing his stock pile of nuclear weapons. by reducing his stockpile of nuclear weapons, he would probably be seen by some hardliners as bowing to international pressure.



Because if you have 50 nuclear missiles and you fire one at a country, you will only have 49, thus reducing your armoury and that is why I said that this would be seen by hardliners as bowing to international pressure, because there is international pressure on North Korea to reduce their nuclear arsenal. It was kind of a joke that wasn't all that funny so I explained it to try to make this a little bit funnier, but I think that might have failed too so I suppose I will have to resort to just posting a picture of a penis riding a nuclear bomb as if it were a horse (The bomb, is a horse, not the penis.)



So that's three things I've written about Kim Jong Un without really knowing very much about him.

What else could I do to blag this blog and make myself sound like I know what I am talking about? Oh yeah, I asked what was inside his head at the start.

Thanks to advanced US technology, we managed to get several images of what is inside Kim Jong Un's head.



It turns out that Un's head is pretty much exactly like everyone elses so that was a bit of a dead end, so I might move on to some possible scenarios that will unfold in the next few days.

Scenario 1: North Korea will say some more things. "We are ready to launch a merciless assault on the imperialist US, we are actually doing it now by saying these words, that's right! a verbal assault!"

Scenario 2: North Korea will issue a statement telling us that their declaration of war against the US was an April Fools stunt gone horribly wrong, not least because it played out past the ettiquite deadline of the April fools prank which is midday April 1st.

Scenario 3: North Korea will inexplicably fall into the sea in a strange Deus Ex Machina which will save the world from impending nuclear war. (Take That, Roland Emerich!)


There are lots of other things that can happen of course, but when it comes down to it, humanity is just a very advanced form of bacteria clinging to a rock hurtling through space at hundreds of thousands of miles an hour, so even if nuclear armageddon occured tomorrow, (or the day after tomorrow... see what I did there?) it would be of little consequence in terms of the fundamental workings of the universe.

And besides, there are bigger questions that need to be looked at in this situation, like: doesn't he look funny? Why haven't I compared him to Psy, singer of world wide smash Gangnam Style? and why didn't I have a poke at the fact that Koreans eat dogs?

These are not just the failings of international diplomacy, but my failings as well.