Tuesday, 22 July 2014

UKIP's anonymous eggs.

There has been a tendency from UKIP to attempt to shut down their critics. as in here, here, here, and here. (That is funny because the last story is about a flight attendant and they say that when they are showing people the fire exits...)

like that.

However, the threat of legal action is not the only weapon in UKIP's arsenal of weaponry and weapons and other weapons to use against it's critics. 'What is this weapon, and why did you unnecessarily repeat the word weapon' I hear you ask? Well, I shall tell you, at the very least about the first question you asked if not the second, because I don't really have an answer to that.

More increasingly, people who heckle, troll or simply say things that UKIP members may not agree with, are coming under venomous attacks from this man here...

Having verbally attacked Nigel Farrage in response to a tweet which I found offensive, I found myself coming under a barrage of verbal abuse.

It even spread as far as this very webpage, when someone wrote in the comments section: "Hey, look after your one and only fan, King Blogger lol, read some of it. Don't give up your day job Dumb and Dumber".

Being that my ego is so fragile, I cried for days when I found out about it, I'm only just coming to terms with it now, however, I do take comfort in one small detail. The page he left a comment on is 3 years old. when he said he: ..."read some of it..." He actually read 100 blog posts before leaving a comment. Here is where I lie awake at night wondering where I went wrong, trying to get into the head of the unknown UKIP supporter who heckled me with the heartbreaking insult 'Dumb and Dumber', which up until that point had been one of my favourite films.

He probably read 'Orientalism and thought, 'short and sweet, a promising start, maybe I had been too hard on him when I was bombarding him with repetitive and nonsensical twitter abuse.'

What can Thatcher's death tell us about what class we are? Really good work! definitely going to subscribe to his blog now! This man is a genius!

He read on...

Kim Jong Wut? HILARIOUS! It takes the mickey out of foreigners! It's excellent, 10 out of 10 This man should win the Pullitzer Prize!

Is there a Gods: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAARGH!!! it pluralized GODS when it didn't need to, brilliant.

This goes on for some time. Yet after about the 99th blog post he read, something had changed. He was no longer happy with the irreverent brand of (admittedly quite old) current affairs, dick jokes and racism. He suddenly realized that all the racism, xenophobia, rampant sexism and anti semitism was ironic. there he was stranded in cyberspace like David Bowman in the sci-fi film 2001- A Space Odyssey, except he was at home, in his pants, on his laptop instead of inside Arthur C Clarke's mind orbiting Jupiter and a giant monolith.

If I was clever, I would somehow draw a comparison between Clarke's monolith and the monolithic presence of UKIP, threatening and growing like some sort of cancer. But I'm not that clever or deep so I'll just show you this pic of a cleverly placed shot of Farage with an unfortunately placed microphone to make him look like HITLER!!! LOLZ!!!


So, far be it from me to be the bigger man, I left this comment directly underneath it.

^This man is sexually aroused by goats, but not ones from the EU^, in essence, heckling the heckler, hunting the hunter, eye for an eye, fighting fire with fire. Then I came across the the graphic beneath this text, which made me feel a little bit sad, like I had let myself down.

...So I went back and I deleted the comment.

Then I thought, hang on, I don't know who Abigail Van Buren is, so why the fuck should I listen to her. So I retyped the comment. after all. You have to break a few eggs to make an Omelette. *Sorry, I couldn't help it.*

Tuesday, 23 April 2013


I think that the main reason that the west dislikes the east so much is because they are so different to us... I mean, lets have a look at this persons facebook 'likes' on their TV section... they might as well be an alien compared to the average british person...

Fucking Aliens, I tell you.

Monday, 8 April 2013

What Can Thatchers Death Tell Us About What Class We Are?

Recently, one of the most shared items on the BBC website has been the class calculator, it asks questions like: "Do you work in a mine?" and, "When was the last time you ate caviar?" or "How well do you know the Queen?"

Obviously, people are enraged that they have fallen into the middle class category instead of their beloved working class, others are upset that they are not considered the landed gentry, and instead have fallen into the middle class category. Everyone seems to be middle class but no one wants to be.

As the world comes to terms with the news of Baroness Thatchers death, emotions are running high; never, has a British leader polarised public opinion so much. Some see her as a trailblazer of feminism, as the first female British Prime minister. Others see her as a harlot who paved the way for the privatisation of all things British, a woman who masterminded a class war against her own people, a woman who declared war over 40square miles of farmland to try to revitalised her waining popularity.

I'm obviously going to steer well clear of the politics because I don't really know anything about that sort of thing. BUT I am going to offer the people who were upset by the results of the BBC class calculator an alternative class calculating system, and you don't even need a calculator, you just need a twitter account and a basic understanding of the 5 times table.

All you need to do is to log into your twitter account and look at 20 items on your feed.

This is an example of a lower middle class tweet; Anti-Thatcher with a bit of humour, something that the working classes don't really have the time or the mental capacity to work up down to them being all tired from working in the mines.

This one is decidedly working class, mainly because this is the kind of joke that gets told after a hard day sweeping chimneys in the Weatherspoons, or the kind of pubs that puts down sawdust and hosts Karaoke and illegal bare knuckle boxing. The joke itself only works when being spoken, seeing as the joke's set up is in the ambiguity as to whether the word 'fucked' is metaphorical or literal, this ambiguity is lost when @_______ demystifies the joke by using the word miners (ie: people who work in mines) which has a different meaning to the word 'minors' (ie: children) Ultimately the joke doesn't work, much in the same way that the working classes don't work, because they all just claim benefits and stuff.

This is the middle middle class, sympathising with the working classes but desperate not to want to upset the upper class in the hope that one day he will break the glass ceiling. The fact that he veers more towards the working class view betrays his own deep seated knowledge that he will never be accepted by the aristocracy.


We are now reaching the upper echelons of the class system, this tweet doesn't acknowledge the negative legacy of the Iron Lady, he simply uses it as an opportunity to attack the left. Welcome to the upper middle class, people.

If your news feed is full of these kind of Thatcher comments then it is likely that you live on a 50 acre estate in Chipping Norton, live on fois gras and brussel sprouts and other posh food that you can't get in Iceland (the shop, not the country, obvs!) The upper class, landed gentry, whatever you want to call the 1% see Thatcher completely differently to the working classes, middle classes and all the other subclasses in between. Fortunately for Thatcher, these are the people who control the present, they are the people who write history, so for all the thousands of negative remarks about Thatcher, the voices that will be heard in the echelons of time will be people like Cameron and Ian Duncan Smith.
Anyway. All this is starting to sound an awful lot like commentary, I could have been mistaken for taking a position at that point WHICH I DON'T! I just want to help you guys calculate your class without having to resort to the horrid vile liberal conspirators, the BBC Class Calculator... so, here goes.
Pick 20 Thatcher tweets in your news feed, each one of them represents 5% (please refer to the 5xTable left for you, if this confuses you) if a tweet has a spelling mistake, that falls into working class, if it is witty and slagging off Thatcher, then it's lower middle class, if it's all solemn but still critical of her then it is middle middle class, if it is simply using the event to slag off 'the left' then it is upper middle class. If it is a load of tearstained wank about losing the greatest leader of our generation then it is upper class.
you may find that your final tally looks something like this.
Working Class: 65%
Lower Middle Class:20%
Middle Middle Class: 10%
Upper Middle Class: 10%
Upper Class: 10%
If that is the case, you've got it wrong, you have ended up with 115% which is more than you should have counted, this means that you cannot follow simple instructions or do basic maths. You are definitely working class, now get down the job centre you Dole Scrounge!
Working Class: 30%
Lower Middle Class: 45%
Middle Middle Class: 20%
Upper Middle Class: 5%
Upper Class: 0%
With this percentage, you are definitely lower middle class, you probably like Frankie Boyle because he is being ironic.
Working Class: 0%
Lower Middle Class: 0%
Middle Middle Class: 0%
Upper Middle Class: 0%
Upper Class: 100%
If it looks like this the chances are you are going to be middle middle class, all desperate to join the elite few and doing everything you can to try to join the ranks of the Elite. you are a fucking class traitor and you sicken me. Just kidding, nothing wrong with a bit of ambition ;)
So anyway, with tensions running high and people arguing over the legacy of Thatcher, what better way to defuse the situation than to kill a bit of time working out what class you are? 
Isn't that what modern politics is all about? knowing your place?

Thursday, 4 April 2013

Kim Jong wut?

With the threat of Thermonuclear war at its most potent since the Cuban Missile Crisis, there is a lot of stuff to talk about. North Korea have officially declared that they will go to war with the US in the next few days; all of this is worrying and leads us to ask the question: what is going on in Kim Jong Un's head?

Judging by this picture, Un is a man who likes to sit at desks, accompanied by the military, looking at pieces of paper. Surely he is harmless?

Well, thanks to detailed analysis from camp201, we can reveal that there is a darker side to Un.
Un is one of several brothers and sisters, Kim Jong Anne Kim Jong In, Kim Jong Out, Kim Jong Do The OkeyKoki And You Turn Around and Kim Jong That's What It's All About. As the oldest of his siblings, he has inhereted the title of his father, star of Team America, Gone With the Wind and Training Day, Kim Jong Il.

Il was a long seving ruler of the military jaunta controlling North Korea and managed to maintain power for 15 years, throughout his rule he was promoted several times from the Chairman of the Communist Party, to Leader, to Supreme Leader and then took the position of God of the North Korean Communists. Un has a lot to live up to and that could explain the reason for his recent extreme rhetoric.


Because journalist access to North Korea is extremely limited, we can't get too much information about the new leader who is threatening a thermonuclear attack on the worlds biggest military superpower... But from Sources in North Korea, we can determine this:

His favourite sport is Basketball and is a fan of the Chicago Bulls. Would he really launch a nuclear attack on his beloved Chicago bulls?

He is obsessed with Eric Clapton. Would he really launch a thermonuclear attack on his beloved Eric Clapton?

He is pro Nuclear weapons. Would he really launch a thermonuclear attack thus reducing his stock pile of nuclear weapons. by reducing his stockpile of nuclear weapons, he would probably be seen by some hardliners as bowing to international pressure.

Because if you have 50 nuclear missiles and you fire one at a country, you will only have 49, thus reducing your armoury and that is why I said that this would be seen by hardliners as bowing to international pressure, because there is international pressure on North Korea to reduce their nuclear arsenal. It was kind of a joke that wasn't all that funny so I explained it to try to make this a little bit funnier, but I think that might have failed too so I suppose I will have to resort to just posting a picture of a penis riding a nuclear bomb as if it were a horse (The bomb, is a horse, not the penis.)

So that's three things I've written about Kim Jong Un without really knowing very much about him.

What else could I do to blag this blog and make myself sound like I know what I am talking about? Oh yeah, I asked what was inside his head at the start.

Thanks to advanced US technology, we managed to get several images of what is inside Kim Jong Un's head.

It turns out that Un's head is pretty much exactly like everyone elses so that was a bit of a dead end, so I might move on to some possible scenarios that will unfold in the next few days.

Scenario 1: North Korea will say some more things. "We are ready to launch a merciless assault on the imperialist US, we are actually doing it now by saying these words, that's right! a verbal assault!"

Scenario 2: North Korea will issue a statement telling us that their declaration of war against the US was an April Fools stunt gone horribly wrong, not least because it played out past the ettiquite deadline of the April fools prank which is midday April 1st.

Scenario 3: North Korea will inexplicably fall into the sea in a strange Deus Ex Machina which will save the world from impending nuclear war. (Take That, Roland Emerich!)

There are lots of other things that can happen of course, but when it comes down to it, humanity is just a very advanced form of bacteria clinging to a rock hurtling through space at hundreds of thousands of miles an hour, so even if nuclear armageddon occured tomorrow, (or the day after tomorrow... see what I did there?) it would be of little consequence in terms of the fundamental workings of the universe.

And besides, there are bigger questions that need to be looked at in this situation, like: doesn't he look funny? Why haven't I compared him to Psy, singer of world wide smash Gangnam Style? and why didn't I have a poke at the fact that Koreans eat dogs?

These are not just the failings of international diplomacy, but my failings as well.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Is there a gods?

Generally, films struggle to fuck things, but any films about ethno-musicologists are physically capable according to Wikipedia. As is the fact that Jim Bowen was elected Pope, the other day.

In a world where Wikipedia is proof and where anything without proof is without value, I have to come to terms with the fact that although Jim Bowen is the new Pope, the God that he serves does not exist.

In the big debacle that rages between Atheists and Believers on a daily basis, one of the most valued weapons of the Atheist is this: There is no proof that God exists and as such I don't believe that God exists.

Personally, I find the burden of proof a little bit of a red herring. If a tree falls down in a forest and no one is around to hear it then it is a fallen tree and noise and stuff or whatever the philosophical question answer type thing is.

There are hundreds of gods, that isn't me confirming the existence of gods, perish the thought. I would be taken to task by the Dawkinites for creating all the wars and perpetrating racism, slavery, the spread of disease, only it isnt actually religion that does this... it is humans that do. There is a lot of evidence that will back this up.

But there is evidence that all of the bad things done by humans are done by humans.

The next line of argument here is that all of the bad things done by humans have been done in the name of religion... there is evidence to suggest this.

This is the main evidence that Atheists go for.

By doing this they neglect the fact that Stalin was an Atheist and killed twice as many people.

And it ignores the fact that people do good things in the name of religion too. The red cross for example began as a christian institution, as did the salvation army.

Of course, all this is well off the point of whether there is a god or a supernature of some description or other, but this is generally where the arguing goes. Mud is slung and it all gets heated, although neither side admit that they are frustrated both are.

If proof is necessary to confirm the existence of a supernature then I would have thought that the other side of that coin would be to deny its existence would need the same amount of proof.

As John Locke said, lack of proof does not equate to proof itself.

The worst thing about these arguments that occur every day on the battleground for humanities soul... (or the internet) is that religion and atheism are simply fronts, both of them, to do what the person who changed the Wikipedia entry on Jim Bowen did: To troll. The arguments that routinely pop up are completely pointless and counteract each other. Like electrons and protons in a nucleus.

Neutrons are also found in a nucleus and although they don't seem to have a purpous if you listen to the teachers in C1 GCSE (there is very little discussion on Neutrons apart from the mention that they are in the middle of atoms and have no charge and that they are the reason isotopes exist) well they hold atoms together, if there were just a load of protons with a positive charge in the middle of an atom then the positive charge will repel all of the protons in the nucleus and the atom will just cease to exist.

If electrons, which contain a negative charge, are atheists and protons, which contain a positive charge, are theists, then I am probably going to fall into the category of a neutron, someone who doesn't really give a shit either way; by finishing off on comparing the belief non belief and agnisticism to an atom, I have veered off the point that I was initially trying to make, but both believers and atheists do that as well, so why shouldnt I?

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

The 1% of you that have a heart will share this.

Facebook is a rich tapestry of the lives of everyone you know, but how well do you know yourself? Well recently someone posted this on my feed and I can confirm that I 'am not funny at all'

Having found this out from reading the large text in red, I delved deeper into the smaller print. ' The boy you called lame' it says. I don't recall using the word lame, it's not really the sort of word I would use seeing as I am not a teenage girl from the film 'Clueless'.


Well anyway, he has to work at night to support his family. So it turns out that the witty comment that I made at him wasn't a very nice thing to say, although I don't remember saying it. Although in being falsely accused I have called the tragic actress who died of a prescription drug overdose 'lame'. So I guess I am a bully, it turns out that the text posted on my facebook feed is a self fulfilling prophesy. It has the supernatural ability to delve inside my mind and predict things before I even know that I am going to do them. But apparently facebook is very good at this because it looks at your 'likes'

The girl I pushed down today, she is already being abused at home, I'm not even going to deny it, because last time I did I inadvertantly called someone lame while denyong calling someone lame, I am just going to defend it instead- How was I supposed to know that she was being abused at home today? How do you know? how do you know that I pushed down a girl today? I have been awake for less than an hour and don't remember doing this. I'm not denying this, I'm just saying I don't remember.

The girl I called fat? 'she has disease and starving herself'. Wait a second... I don't mean to be funny but if you are going to accuse me of all these things that I didn't know I was doing, could you at least do it coherantly. Don't get me wrong, I understand what you are saying but there is a chance that with a lack of clarity in the message, that I might not realize what I have done, in fact I am almost certain that this has happened because I still don't realize that I have done these things that I am being accused of in my facebook feed.

Then comes the killer blow...

'You think you are funny? guess what... You are not funny at all.'

They didn't even bother to use an exclamation mark at the end of it, they didn't feel the need to emphasize it because it is already so obvious. As I read this, the wafer thin ego burns up as if in some kind of oxidising reaction with fire, I look into the sky and it has changed colour, the rivers turn to the colour of blood, my skin turns to glass and shatters, the paint on the walls begin to melt, or at least change to a really bland shade of beige. I try to scrape up the chared remains of my psyche before realizing that I am trapped inside my own metaphor. No wonder I lash out at people.

I take solace in the fact that several pieces of spam appeared in my blogspot comment page which help rebuild my self confidence...

Juѕt ԁesire to say your article is аs surρriѕing.
Тhe сlaritу in your poѕt is just excеllent and i can asѕume you aгe an expeгt on this subјect.
Fine with yοur peгmission let me tο snatch your feеԁ to
stay up to ԁate with coming near near ρost.
Thanκ уou 1,000,000 and plеase continue
the grаtifyіng ωork.

(It goes on to tell me to click on a link, but I am prepared to overlook that... in the same way that I overlooked the fact that I didn't call anyone names or make fun of people I was accused of in the other bit of spam.)

Very great рost. Ι sіmply stumblеd upon уоur blog and wished to mention that I haѵe гeally еnjoyeԁ ѕurfіng around your
blog poѕts. After all I will be subscribing in уouг fеed anԁ I hοpe
you wrіte oncе more soοn!

Again, it told me to click on a weird link. I didn't.

Then there was this...

Mу sρirіt mοveԁ absent abοut 3 yеаrs in thе past mу ωhole bоdy had the brаvenеss
to laѕt оf all clоse this saga,
and I ԁid uneaгth Ι was grеatеr
received in thе mеtrорοlis I laѕt
but not lеаst situаteԁ
tо and as for the fantaѕtіc fоrtune I was tryіng to get, ӏ stumbled on what Joseph Camρbell wгοte was valiԁ: &#8220Youг
full physiсаl prоcess
is awагe that thiѕ іs thе way to be alive іn this soсіetу аnd thе
wау tο giѵе
thе terrіbly lеaԁing
that you hаvе to inсlude.

Obviously the spambot had to take it too far, in exactly the same way that the first bit of spam implied that people who don't share don't have a heart. they do, but at the very least, at least it had the decency to allow me to do the rule of three, the other one just gave a big and long drawn out list which would probably have lost most peoples attention very early on.

Having been accused of being a bully, I guess I can't be against bullying. For this reason, I couldn't bring myself to share it; it would make me a hypocrite. Although I have to say that it isn't just 1% of people who see a post like this who have a heart. The heart is an extremely important organ.

I think the long and the short of it is that the internet is fucking with me today. Trying to convince me that I am a genius one minute and a bully the next.

Thursday, 21 February 2013

Put a little glove in your Fart.

One of the more spectacular views on the London skyline or of the Shard; it towers over London as a new boy in town dogging down canary wharf and telling anyone asking it to move out of the way so that people can see Saint Paul's Cathederal to 'Go fuck yourself'. The Shard has been a forboding presence over London since its construction over the past 3 years. It is a place which has opened just in time for Valentines Day so that people could get a romantic view of one of the most amazing cities on earth. The only thing that would have made the view of the shard more romantic was if the owners of the building called the building the 'Shart' instead. Because what could be more romantic than doing a fart and accidentally following through with a watery and occasionally a slightly nuggetty anal leak. not with blood in it, that would be disgusting, it is just shit.

With Valentines day a week ago, well too late for me to be talking about; millions of people world wide are going to be have been receiving heart shaped boxes, heart shaped cards and other various heart shaped things. Hearts tend to be simplified versions of what they really are because they look fucking discusting, all coated in fat and covered in blood and various pieces of conjuole. What happened to make the heart the symbol of love? Do you want to know? well I am going to put a picture of a real heart below and then I am going to google the question and come back to you with the answer.

Well, according to Wiki Answers it has something to do with Aristotle, who as an intelligent Greek Philosopher, scholar, maths man and guesser of how things worked: made the assumption that the heart was where love comes from, well he was wrong, and as such, everyone who has ever thought of the heart in association with romance is also wrong, and an idiot.

The heart is, however, the hardest working muscle in the human body, or in fact the body of any animal with a heart, so I don't want the heart abolished or anything, because it really goes out of its way to keep us alive for as long as possible, I would just be happier if people gave credit to the human brain to creating the chemical conditions necassary to feel love.

Hearts as we know them, the simplified ones, have existed since around the 15th century when they became one of the suits in a deck of cards, and proved such a popular shape, that it is instantly recognisable in most cultures as the symbol for love. It is here that I stop talking about it because I realize that I have run out of ideas, but what I will do for you instead is give you a valentines day mixtape, which you can make yourself via spotify or illegally downloading, but instead of using the proper names, I will replace the word Love with Glove and Heart, with Fart. Because they rhyme.

1.Don't go breaking my Fart- Elton John & Kiki Dee
2.Quit Playing Games with my Fart- Backstreet Boys
3.ScatterFart- Bjork
4.Fart Shaped Box- Nirvana
5.Achy Breaky Fart- Billy Ray Cyrus
6.Groove is in the Fart- Dee Lite.
7.You'll be in my Fart- Usher
8. Bad Liver and a Broken Fart- Tom Waits
9.Total Eclipse of the Fart- Bonnie Tyler
10. Listen to your Fart- Roxette.

Everything here, the fact that a blog about Valentines day has arrived a week late, that I have replaced the word heart, with fart in almost a dozen love song, that I think of hearts as fatty organs, pumping blood round the body to stop people from dying; all these things highlight the fact that I am an emotionally retarded and referring to Aristotle isn't going to save me.

As well as this, the fact that I have managed to cut and paste together three different unfinished blogs either makes me a total cunt or the Paul McCartney of blogging, or perhaps both, because neither are mutually exclusive. But at the same time, I can't just leave half finished ideas to rot in my drafts page, and there is something better coming... I promise.