The many faces of Rebekah Brooks...

...and why we should get off Cameron's back just because he got on one of Charlie Brooks horses.



This week, the phone hacking scandal has taken a dramatic new twist, a bit like in episode seven of series 1 where, McNulty stopped the Mayors driver who had picked up a bag full of drug money, and it became clear that political people were involved in the Barksdale Heroin operation.




I have already compared the phone hacking scandal to the Wire; the series is kind of like life imitating lifelike HBO drama, apart from the fact that instead of a Baltimore based drug gang being phone tapped, it is a Surrey based murdered school girl. We mustn’t get too carried away with the detail or we might get confused. The first thing I want to examine is the uncovering of the relationship between Prime Minister, David Cameron's relationship with Brooks and horse-gate. Cameron- who lives a stones throw from the Brooks'- has apparently been fraternising with the former Sun editor and her husband, an old Etonian school friend. Initially Cameron denied any horseriding of brooks old police horse, then he said he might have riden it, and then he said he had definitely rode the horse after this photo, which I have just doctored on paintbrush, was published in a French newspaper.

And to make matters worse, he is wearing a top hat instead of a helmet, a flagrant disregard for health and safety and another example of one rule for them and another for us.

The News International newspapers have in the past had a terrible habit of putting the word ‘gate’ as a kind of caveat to denote a scandal, (Squidgygate, Pizzagate and the originator of the 'gate' suffix Watergate are but three of many examples.) This suffix has not appeared in conjunction with the hacking scandal:

a) The Sun is at the centre of the scandal

b) The News of the World is now defunct and therefore doesn’t have the platform it once had for uncovering scandal amongst politicians, actors, lotto louts and child molestererers to name a few.

Either...

c)  The other tabloids were not clever enough to make the connection...

or ...

d) They don't want to throw stones in a glass house.

But if they were and did, they probably would have had to create a subsidiary 'Horse-gate'. I personally think that people should lay off Cameron, all his friends are being arrested and he is under a lot of pressure trying to restore the relationship between Britain and America...



We used to be tight before Obama took over, the miserable git.

And that is the reasons, so there. Next I am going to talk about the media portrayal of Rebekah Brooks,




Brooks, with the skull and spinal column of...
Nah I can't commit a joke that bad taste to the Internet.

It is easy to point and laugh at Rebekah these days, (as it was back in the mid noughties when she was arrested for assaulting then boyfriend Ross Kemp, on the same night that Steve McFadden, Kemp’s on screen brother was also assaulted by HIS girlfriend... (CO-INKYDINK?)(!)) because of the media portrayal of herself. Here are a few of them.

a) Murdoch’s firehaired Babylonian bitch-whore from Valhalla/Hell/Hades depending on whether you are a Christian, Pagan or worshipper of the Greek gods. The most circulated pictures of Brooks in this guise see her arm in arm with the media tycoon, looking rather smug and a little bit like she might be a necrophiliac, (*note: necrophiliac is not recognised by the Word spell-checker but the word does exist)



b) Haggard looking woman beaten down by weeks of political and public pressure... And so she would, she has been forced to resign over phone hacking which appeared to be ‘endemic’ at the time of her editorship of both the news of the world. (*note 2: I didn’t need to make the whole last sentence italic but I like the way this particular font looks in italic, so that's why I did it.) Where was I? Oh yeah, endemic, a word used a lot in conjunction with Andy Coulson, months of pressure have taken their toll on Brooks and as a result she probably is losing sleep and as a result is not photographing very well, much to the delight of the Guardian and the BBC; her two mortal enemies.



"Cheer up luv!"

c) Evil twofaced bitch. The one where she is stood next to Millie Downer’s parents or Sarah Payne’s mum or any of the other people who were hacked during her editorship of the newspaper. These were more prevalent at the beginning of the scandal than they are now, as the press gloats at her forthcoming suicide.




As there seem to be only three categories it was refreshing today to see the’ I’ newspaper (A kind of twitter version inasmuch as it gives you news stories in less than 160 characters) open up a fourth category, that of cheeky sex kitten. Upon seeing this photo it occurred to me that Brooks is more than an evil demonic harlot; it dawned on me that I actually WOULD.



Phwoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!



Hnnnnngwerghggghhhhhhhhh!!


I know this makes me sound like a sexist and the only way I can defend this is by admitting to being a sexist and shrugging my shoulders. And if you thought that was bad, you had better wait until you've read the next bit, which will get worse before getting better when you realise that I am saying the nasty thing that I am about to say as a scientific experiment, so just forget the bit you have just read and...

I tested whether I actually could bring myself off to Rebekah Brooks, getting the little fella up wasn't a problem, then the guilt started at about 15 strokes but this didn't hamper me, if anything, the guilt made it kind of better until afterwards, when I began to cry, and couldn't stop crying, this was 5 days ago and has caused me to become very sad as well as caused me to have the flu I've not stopped crying yet. So what started out as a dissection of the media portrayal ended in me telling you all about me jerking off into a sock while thinking about a former tabloid editor, I hope you feel ashamed of yourself for making me think these thoughts.

But as I said, it isn't because I'm a pervert; it was all to see what the effects a rebekahwank would have on a man. So depending on what you decide from this, I am either a conservative pervert who finds fiery redhead tabloid editors sexy...



JESUS CHRIST NOT THAT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or a social scientist who has pioneered the rebekahwank to make sure that the guilt of it won't kill us, you should Knight me! instead of pulling that face that suggests I'm some sort of sicko.

New Labour New Danger

The world has changed a great deal in the past 15 years. 15 years ago it was the 90s. England were optimistic about winning a football tournament. The only war we had to worry about was in eastern europe and we were only there as peacekeepers. Terrorists used to phone you to let you know where the bomb was and Donwing street would hold parties that the Gallagher brothers would attend. Now is a very different story. What the world needs is someone to make sense of it all, and who better than myself?



A good place to start is this masterpiece of anti Labour propaganda, what did it mean?

A black and white photo of a rather smug looking Tony Blair with his eyes ripped out revealing a demonic presence lurking beneath the skin. Why black and white? Well, black and white indicates fact; the phrase "its all there in black and white" justifies that idea. The maker of this poster wants to unmask Blair as someone with a secret agenda; not hard to believe with hindsight, looking at Blairs record of two wars it is sad that the Tories got it so right. The eyes are a little satanic looking beneath surface. The black background draws in the eyes before attracting you to the simple but effective 'NEW LABOUR NEW DANGER' slogan. The chosen picture does make Blair look a little like a comic strip supervillain.

The poster campaign was followed swiftly by the mock 'L is for labour, L is for lice' party political
broadcast on the Harry Enfield show.





Who would have thought Harry Enfield and chums could be so on the money, when lampooning a smeer campaign?

With peace in Northern Ireland and historic talks between Israel and Palestine going on at the time and the cold war becoming a distant memory, everything looked so promising. Thatcherism was becoming an unwelcome footnote in British history and lad culture made magazines like FHM cool. Britpop dominated Glastonbury, which was one of only 3 annual music festivals. Where did it all go wrong?

It would be easy to blame the tandem of Britain moving to the left with America moving to the right, but there is much more to it than that.

http://wizbangblog.com/content/2009/06/07/while-the-us-moves-left-europe-moves-to-the-right.php

While right now this sounds a lot like a man in his mid 30's bemoaning his youth, there is a decent amount of things that are better about now that were backward in the 90s. Use of the internet is now widespread but 15 years ago it was only for nerds.



@ was a relatively unknown sign, known only to the frequenters of Camden who had seen the next big thing, a band called Menswe@r. (note that this is not an e-mail address.)

But this coupled with a shift forward in gay rights, womens rights, the fact that there has been an American black president and the invention of facebook don't redress the imbalance that exists at the moment.


I could go on about the way the world has changed since the 90s, and this is in no small part due to the fucking terrible performance by Blur at the Brit Awards last week... but I am still so impressed by the Smear campaign against Blair, that I might just use it on everyone I don't like instead.

They just don't make bad guys like they used to.

By attacking Bieber I am digging myself a hole, coming across as more and more archaic, but I might as well warn you now that in 15 years time, just like how the Tories tried to warn us about Blair, I will have been proved right about Bieber.

This was one of the good things about the 90s. Noels house party was cancelled, Noel edmonds spiralled into a wormhole and dissapeared. Some 12 years later he resurfaces in human form and spouts some bizarre pseaudo spiritual bullshit in order hook out of work people on some kind of belief system which is tidily packaged into a half hour show with advertising space sold at several times during it.

at least in the 90s it was just gunge and a man in a pink suit, now its a fucking invisible omnipotent banker, how in touch with the times is he? I have harped on and on about this man, mainly because I think he is the most dangerous man in Britain at the moment. 

While not even in the most top 10 of the most dangerous in the country, I kind of wanted to see what I would look like mopped up in a tory poster warning the world about a man who breaks his promise...

Look at the evidence, to quote myself "What the world needs is someone to make sense of it all, and who better than myself?" I have had about 500 words to explain and use insight into why everything went so wrong and instead I just paintbrushed together a load of fake new labour, new danger posters which, incidentally, have got worse and worse; just like the labour government did. If we are not careful, I will have invaded Iran by the end of this blog. The real question is why?

Not to be confused with the baleric classic 'Why?' by Carly Simon.

Well, like Blair, I started with good intentions; I wanted to change the world for the better, with a blog, whilst Blair wanted to change the world with the medium of political power. But I was corrupted by the notion of using paintbrush as a medium for a cheap laugh. Blair was corrupted by the notion of of being a wartime prime minister, and the only way to do that is to be in a perpetual state of war, whether it be in Eastern Europe, Afghanistan or Iraq. Plus Blair probably didn't know how to use Paintbrush. But anyway, it turns out we both make promises we can't keep.