seemingly innocuous.

having recently become a fully fledged scientist, I have been working on chemical compounds which will change the world, open up the human experience to a better world. Scientists over the past 100 years have worked on clever weaponary which could destroy the whole world dozens of times over.



The Microwave may seem like a seemingly innocuous invention which cooks micromeals nicely, Some might wonder how micromeals were even cooked before, myself included. But if I were to tell you that the technology which developed the microwave was initially looked into with the intention of frying the brains of Russians, then that little ping at the end of 3 minutes which signifies that the shitty plastic covered chicken korma is going to be hotter than the sun, suddenly takes on a sinister undertone.



Penicilin is a seemingly innocuous substance made of mouldy bread but when you dig deeper it becomes apparent that Penicilin is simply a drug designed to speed up the healing process of wounded soldiers so they could quickly get back on the battle field and kill South African soldiers of the Boer Republic.



"...who's ancestors would one day not have to go through the judicial system in America because they have diplomatic immunity. Like the bad guy in Lethal Weapon 2."

This is why I have tried to come up with a chemical composition which is not going to be used for war, I have tried to come up with a chemical compound which will stop drought, help create life and food for everyone in the world.

I combined 2 molecules of Hydrogen, which is the most common element in the Universe and 1 molecule of pure oxygen, I did it with selotape and some staples and I created a chemical compound called water, but then someone told me that water was already invented.



Not only that but water was specifically designed to drown witches, to help people get electrocuted and to cause tsunami's in the far east, as well as provide a nice habitat to killer sharks.

So I went back to the drawing board and came up with a much better chemical compound. I combined 2 carbon atoms with 5 hydrogen atoms before adding a single oxygen atom... by the time I added carbon to the hydrogen atoms I had run out of staples, so like all good scientists, I resorted to prit stick.



But something still wasn't right, I added one more hydrogen atom and the circle was complete, I had created ALCOHOL THE SECOND MOST POWERFUL SUBSTANCE KNOWN TO MAN (and woman) C2H5OH. So I tested it on a group of people, and they loosened up, then started acting inapropriately, then some of them started losing their motor function and one of them was sick on my shoe.



It turns out that the chemical compound I invented was alcohol, which led to the invention of alcoholics and liver and kidney disease and caused Kerry Katona to be all pissed up on This Morning When Fern Britten and Phillip Scofield looked on disaprovingly.



Fair play to her, I'm usually pissed by the end of Jeremy Kyle too.

It turns out that the majority of the ideas I have whether it be for chemical compounds, or... erm, I dunno, blogs, for example, have all been done before, and even if they start out being good intentioned, they end up being used to drown puppies or at the very least, say nasty things about former CEO's, and Kerry Katona, who I don't have an opinion on either way. And to make things worse, I dont even have enough examples of my own ideas to finish the rule of three, an important writing tool which if left unused leaves ideas seem unfinished.

Although looking at the above paragraph, there is one thing I do have a very strong opinion on, and that is comma's, there are 10 of them in the previous paragraph and only two fullstops, which is kind of what James Joyce used to do, which is also a very egotistical thing to say, because he is one of the best known writers, like, ever. But he didn't invent water, I did. And he didn't invent alcohol either, I did. Although I didn't invent either of them first, which leave my achievements looking seemingly innocuous.