Manmachine201's uneasy guide to finding Jesus a job when he rises again.

One of the many things that the bible never mentions was how good Jesus was at carpentry. There is scientific evidence of a genetic link where a father is able to pass his skills in a vocational role to offspring, this is a key study of Cecil R. Reynolds and Elaine Fletcher-Janzen.

The problem here is that although Jesus Christ was brough up by Joseph Christ, Joseph wasn't the father and therefore Jesus wasn't genetically predisposed to carpentry. Apparently Jesus's father was God, and no one is quite sure what God does, he moves in mysterious ways.



As does she.

The Point I am trying to make is that if the bible is totally historically accurate, and if Jesus is going to rise again, then it is going to be very difficult for him to resume his carpentry career because everyone who ever hired him as a carpenter is dead and therefore wouldn't be able to to give a testimonial, also with the rise in DIY and the assention of affordable furniture stores like Ikea, even if his reputation remained in tact he would need to specialize perhaps in the theatre or even in making crosses for church alters, it was a long time ago after all so he should have resolved any issues he may have had with the crucifix.



Perhaps he could make novelty chairs.

There would be a similar problem with Noah from the old testament about 4000 years ago when the earth was only 1000 years old, although at least he can put on his CV that he successfully crafted a boat which could and did hold 2 of every animal in the world, which in itself was a logistical nightmare seeing as the animal kingdom forms a food chain, a problem which Noah obviously foresaw inspite of having a well publicised drink problem.



Rare Holiday snap of Noah in the Wetherspoon in Ararat.

But all this talk of Noah is irrelevant because he isn't coming back, Noah lived for 700 years and has had his fill of life, Jesus on the other hand, only made it to 27 and will have a long time until he retires.

So if he can't make it as a carpenter when he returns, there are some alternatives having had a browse of the new testiment using it as if it were his CV.

I was thinking that his skills for walking on water would give him a great chance of making it as a fisherman, like those guys in the TV series the deadliest catch... but then I read this...

Matthew 4:12-23. And he said to them, "Follow me, and I will make you fish for people."

...Fish for people? I can see that this is going to be a bit more difficult than I thought. If he had have made them fish for fish then that would have indicated that he had some experience in the fishing trade and would therefore qualify him as a fisherman, but Jesus completely failed to understand the basic concept of fishing (ie, catching fish.)

Perhaps a resteraunteur would be more up his street.

Mark 6:41-44"And He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up toward heaven, He blessed the food and broke the loaves and He kept giving them to the disciples to set before them; and He divided up the two fish among them all. 42 They all ate and were satisfied, 43 and they picked up twelve full baskets of the broken pieces, and also of the fish. 44 There were five thousand men who ate the loaves."

The main problem is that his resteraunt would only really serve fish and bread. Hardly going to compete with the fat duck, unless he made the fish look exactly like bread and vice versa.

So we continue the search.

Hospitals? he did manage to cure blindness and in an extreme case managed to bring Lazarus back from the dead... although in todays world doctors are expected to transplant faces.



like that...



or swapping John Travolta's face with Nick Cage.

So it looks like Jesus will have to join the dole queue like everyone else, I mean his skills are out of date, his miracles are hardly a reason to give him a job, its not like he can bend spoons like Uri Gellar or can sit in a box for ages like David Blaine. Perhaps he can retrain, but in the mean time there is always retail just until he gets back on his feet (which have holes in them.)



If retail fails, another job in sales, door to door perhaps?

Manmachine201's guide to p/m (delete as applicable) assive aggression

The other day I was queuing for a train which was going to Lewisham, it was stopping at Titherington, West Titherington, East Titherington, Titheringon Vale, North Titherington, Tither, Ton Titterington Twaterington and Fuckerington. As I was getting on the bus, the Ticket Inspector pulled me aside and said, "I think you've used a very similar joke in a recent blog." To which I replied, "What are you talking about?" because I was just waiting to go home from a Garden Party with the Queen and had no idea that I was even going to use this annecdote in a blog, (in fact, it was this exchange which led me to use this as an annecdote for the opening of this blog.)



By the end of the evening, Charles and Camilla had me so jacked up on sylosybin and birthday cake that I had to take the above photo to prove I was not going mad, The Queen and her 2 dogs had been looking at me in this way (and to be honest, when I first got to the party I don't even think they were dogs at the start of the evening, they were badgers or something.) were in some strange still life pose for what might have been 12 hours, but what may have been as little as 7.3 seconds.

Ironically 7.3 seconds was the amount of time that it took for me to realise that the ticket inspector in front of the train I was about to board was in fact a figment of my imagination which I had created in a cheap ploy to re-use a gag from an old blog, still, it took up about 250 words and the best feature of the gag was in fact the extention where I created a whole hypothesis where I was stopped and told off by a figure of authority thus personifying my superego, which has indeed been punishing me for the poor quality of recent blogs, but that is another story for another time.




All this wasn't good enough for the ticket inspector, who chastised me on the spot for crude re-use of what was already substandard material. My response was rapid, and harsh. "Fuck off! I don't have to answer to you! you're a figment of my imagination!" I was so harsh that I even said the exclamation marks, although they sounded more like 'hngerrrrrrrR' so just imagine the last 3 sentences with that sound stuck between them and at the end, I sounded like a fucking mental.

This was all very well, I had reached roughly 450 words without trying but although this guy may have been a figment of my imagination, and he may have deserved a Massive retaliation for getting involved in something that was not his concern, he was always going to do his job. And in all the chaos, I failed to show a valid ticket for my entire journey, he may have been a figment of my imagination, but he was not going to let me off the hook so I got an on the spot fine of £25.

In a situation where someone doesn't have authority is wronged by someone who does or doesn't have authority over them, it is easy to get pissy... for example:



The Pizza Incident...



The Parking Space shenanigans... or...



The shit caper.

according to Wikipedia the 'Passive–aggressive behavior, a personality trait, is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It is a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations.
It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.'

Or in less poncey language...

Tutting, nod your head disaprovingly, or carry on going about your business but with a straight face but a subtley angry demeanor.

There is an alternative where you don't have to post notes everywhere because you are afraid of out and out confrontation, confrontation is good, and in the immortal words of Bethman Hollweg on the eve of the First World War, confrontation is "a cleansing thunderstorm".

So why not try saving the post it notes for actual proper messages and just say whats on your mind, it worked out for all the parties during World War 1, now we get poppy day and its all because people made an effort to resolve their differences, through a complex set of alliences and several years of static trench warfare, which- to be honest- I would prefer to an ongoing campaign of whispers, slamming doors, muttering, huffing, rolling of the eyes and FUCKING post it notes. ( the capslock is also a sign of internet aggression, I know because I have seen it.)

So if you learn one thing from this piece, it is don't invent a fictional character with the power to fine you on the spot for £25. If you take a second lesson from this, Always travel with a valid pass.

Manmachine201's guide to making the world a better place.

Today I did a good deed, in fact it was a fucking great deed. Today a lady came into my peripheral vision and said, "would you sign this petition to end human trafficing?" I had never been put in a position where I had such power, all I had to do was sign my name on a petition and human trafficing would stop forever, I almost froze but you will be happy to know that human trafficing came to and end for all of the rest of time at 14:15 GMT(+1) (it is summertime, so the clocks are GMT+1, if it was coming towards the winter we would wind our clocks back and it would be plain old GMT, I hope thats cleared up, if there is any confusion, visit the national maritime museum where the exhibits are informative and entertaining as well as educational.)

(I have recently learned that an effective method of introducing a side note in a blog format is to bracket the sidenote, I am so enthrawled with this new technique that I shall be using it as often as I can because I often have a lot of slightly offpoint things to say which are also in my mind very important and therefore brackets can and will be a useful tool for me.)

So yeah, no more human trafic, which is good because it was a shit film anyway.



It was a shit film which unwittingly launched the career of Danny fucking Dyer.



Danny 'fa'in' Dwah 'avin a nice cuppa tee.

Danny Dyer is the lead actor in films such as: the football factory, the business, Pimp, dead men running, city rats, the all together and other oscar contenders.

Of course, the film human traffic and the actual trafficing of humans are not one and the same, although both of them are pretty shit, although one of them does at the very least, allow fat ugly men, to have sex with eastern european women.

Unfortunately the petition in question was actually to put an end to the film and not the actual llegal movement of people with the intent of fueling prostitution so that was an oportunity wasted.

It would be better if these petitions actually set out to eradicate actual problems like the resession, or a lack of air conditioning on the tube.

So where do we go from here? I reckon we should start by starting a petition to end human trafficing and air conditioning on the tube (as well as a campaign to have more brackets introduced into everyday conversation) (and to get Danny Dyer completely out of public life all together so that he is nothing more than a distant memory...) who's with me?



Just me then?

Manmachine201 blames it on his upbringing.

The last blog which went up on this page highlights everything that is wrong with the internet. It was indicitive of 3 things.

1. People seem to think that they have a licence to write any ill informed half baked ideas simply to shock and the majority of them fail because they are so contrived.

2. Once written there is no moderation at least to vet the quality of the content if not the actual subject matter.

3. There is a lot of porn on the internet.

The 3rd one isn't actually related to the first points but is nevertheless true.

I got a lot of stick for the previous blog, mainly from myself because it was truly absolutely awful and no one else reads them. The blog was poor for 3 reasons.

1. It was rushed.

2. It was poorly researched, at the time of the writing, Moat was actually cornered in a standoff with the police live on News 24. I'd have loved to have watched it but was too lazy to do any meaningful research which would have taken me to probably what would have been more fruitful material for a blog.

3. I was only half concentrating because I was also surfing for porn on the internet.

Again, the 3rd one has little to do with the subject we are discussing, and besides, most of the blogs I write are interupted routinely by visits to porn websites, whichsh ish why I have a stickky keyboard whish causess typos.



Although I should put my hands up and take full responsibility I have to concede that a lot of this is to do with my upbringing.

For example, when I was a child, my Grandmother used to squash black people in a flower press and use them as bookmarks, she sould claim it was her contribution to the war effort. When I was old enough to realize there was no war I explained to her that World War II finished in 1945. She countered, "not World War 2 silly! This is me doing my part for the race war!



My dear ol' nan.

Obviously her behaviour has had a dramatic effect on my personality. For example, I would think nothing of using a dead relative in a bizarrely constructed yet obvious lie, making up a story painting her as a racist just to add distance to a stupid yet racist idea that I once had, This is the sort of thing that

1. A complete sociopath would do

2. someone with very little respect for his or her family would do.

3. wouldn't happen if people were more openly accepting of internet pornography. Infact, I'm going to take 5 minutes to look at some grot...

Thats better.

Unfortunately there is no real method to indicate the passage of time in blog format, so I will ask you to envisage the hands of a clock whizzing round really really fast. Or if that fails imagine me doubled over in front of a screen having a furious tussle with myself.



A bit like that except wanking instead of dead.

If you are finding this crude I would ask you to take into consideration the fact that it is because of my upbringing. When I was a child I bumped into a man who was dressed exactly like a giant penis, except that he had 2 arms 2 legs a face a mouth a nose a torso and a red suit a sack and white beard.
When I was 10 my parents convinced me that Penis's didn't exist and I spent most of my adolescance thinking everyone was a girl.

This brings me up to where I we are now. Ironically there are lots of people who would blame their current lives on their upbringing, its an easy thing to do, after all everything we soak up as children has a huge effect on their worldview once they have grown up.

For example, when I was 3 my parents mistakenly thought that I was gifted and enrolled my in an advanced business school, where I learnt business speak and how to translate it, before I was even fully proficient in basic english and maths. To demonstrate this I will untangle some business jargon for you.

1. 'Blue Sky Thinking'- (trans) 'I am a cunt'.

2. 'Thinking Outside the Box'- (trans) 'I am a total cunt'

3. 'cutting edge'- (trans) 'I am a complete and utter fucking cunt'

This has taken me a long way, making me the CEO of a huge oil company by the time I was 5. although I was not environmental enough so I was ousted to be replaced by a Tony Hayward, who had solar panels installed in his home to try to boost his green credentials, a move not seen since Josef Stalin started giving £3 a month to Amnesty international.



yes he was taking the piss.

Another example is the smacking debate, a worrying statistic among children is that 80% of children who are smacked as a means of discipline end up wearing these stupid hand things at sporting events.



or even on the internet. and can manifest itself from a young age.

Maybe the reason why Raouououal Moat turned out the way he is was because of his parents, after all in a recent quote she was quoted in a quote as saying: "You're better off dead, son."
Which is charming. I think the fact that his anger and meltdown is probably because of his upbrining, we should dislodge the bullet from him, and rebuild him in a robocop stylee and let him roam the land avenging jilted boyfriends everywhere, maybe even surgically attaching a shotgun to his arm so he can randomly shoot police in the face too.

Other people who should be exhonerated for their crimes due to a poor upbringing are

1. Thatcher

2. Bin Laden

3. Martin Luther

4. Martin Luther King.

5. King Charles I

6. Charles Manson

7. Jesus Christ

8. Any other people who might cause offence if added to this list, whether it be the pope, David Icke, or that volcano that cuased lots of disruption earlier in the year.

Yeah, that list was well edgy and provocative, and I am not sorry if it offended you, my actions have nothing to do with me, it was all because of the way that I was raised and I have no power over what I write, so fuck yourselves up your faces. I can't apologise for that either even though it was a bit nasty.

You will just have to be patient with me because I was raised a way which makes me a compulsive liar, masturbator and provocateur, although to be honest, there was no excuse for that Raoael Moat blog, it was fucking terrible.

Manmachine201's uneasy guide to escaping and evading.

Mistaken identity is a common theme of French cinema in the 1920's someone puts down their suitcase and another man accidentally picks up the suitcase, hilarity ensues. A concept which is taken to another level in the films Big and Vice Versa with Fred Savage.



Fred Savage before after changing his name by Deed Poll to Macho Man Randy.

As you can see it is easy to mistake the identity of someone and thats what makes 1920's French cinema so real.

The other day I was on the 1912 train to Dartford, I got distracted and ended up at a station in Newcastle, it was here that I first came across former WWE champion and current cage fighting sensation Brock Lesnar.



I promptly asked for his autograph, He said something with a Geordie accent, I smiled and nodded because it is impossible for anyone to understand anything that anyone from Newcastle is saying... but wait I thought, Brock Lesnar isn't from Newcastle. He went on to hold a gun tyo my head before saying something else which I could not understand.

Then it occured to me that my life had become the suject which would have been perfect for a Jaques Tatti film. It was not Brock Lesnar but lovable father of 2, (oh, and murderer and fugitive.) Roaiooaool Moat.



Silly me, I thought and did as I was told.

It turns out that Moat is actually a dangerous bastard, which is good to know. there are also several more things you need to know about Raoel Moat.

1. He is 190 stone and 37 ft tall.

2. He eats babies

3. His 2 favourite films are Taxi Driver and Falling Down (his 3rd favourite film is Watership Down.)

4. he has had the firearms surgically implanted into his arms instead of hands.

5. He can't walk upstairs a bit like ED 209's and the old school Daleks.



6. He has shapeshifting abilities



7. He is not Brock Lesnar.

So these are the things that will help you survive an encounter with Moat. That, and a bullet proof face.

Although the future looks bleak for Moat, if he survives, he is set to be offered a huge contract as the new face of Millets. This news comes as it Brock Lesnar who was offered the contract said he was busy beating up people.

So cases of mistaken identity has littered this material but nowhere near as much as it popped up in French cinema in the 1920s. Oh, and Raoelal Moat is gonna be the new face of Millets.