Manmachine201's guide to p/m (delete as applicable) assive aggression

The other day I was queuing for a train which was going to Lewisham, it was stopping at Titherington, West Titherington, East Titherington, Titheringon Vale, North Titherington, Tither, Ton Titterington Twaterington and Fuckerington. As I was getting on the bus, the Ticket Inspector pulled me aside and said, "I think you've used a very similar joke in a recent blog." To which I replied, "What are you talking about?" because I was just waiting to go home from a Garden Party with the Queen and had no idea that I was even going to use this annecdote in a blog, (in fact, it was this exchange which led me to use this as an annecdote for the opening of this blog.)



By the end of the evening, Charles and Camilla had me so jacked up on sylosybin and birthday cake that I had to take the above photo to prove I was not going mad, The Queen and her 2 dogs had been looking at me in this way (and to be honest, when I first got to the party I don't even think they were dogs at the start of the evening, they were badgers or something.) were in some strange still life pose for what might have been 12 hours, but what may have been as little as 7.3 seconds.

Ironically 7.3 seconds was the amount of time that it took for me to realise that the ticket inspector in front of the train I was about to board was in fact a figment of my imagination which I had created in a cheap ploy to re-use a gag from an old blog, still, it took up about 250 words and the best feature of the gag was in fact the extention where I created a whole hypothesis where I was stopped and told off by a figure of authority thus personifying my superego, which has indeed been punishing me for the poor quality of recent blogs, but that is another story for another time.




All this wasn't good enough for the ticket inspector, who chastised me on the spot for crude re-use of what was already substandard material. My response was rapid, and harsh. "Fuck off! I don't have to answer to you! you're a figment of my imagination!" I was so harsh that I even said the exclamation marks, although they sounded more like 'hngerrrrrrrR' so just imagine the last 3 sentences with that sound stuck between them and at the end, I sounded like a fucking mental.

This was all very well, I had reached roughly 450 words without trying but although this guy may have been a figment of my imagination, and he may have deserved a Massive retaliation for getting involved in something that was not his concern, he was always going to do his job. And in all the chaos, I failed to show a valid ticket for my entire journey, he may have been a figment of my imagination, but he was not going to let me off the hook so I got an on the spot fine of £25.

In a situation where someone doesn't have authority is wronged by someone who does or doesn't have authority over them, it is easy to get pissy... for example:



The Pizza Incident...



The Parking Space shenanigans... or...



The shit caper.

according to Wikipedia the 'Passive–aggressive behavior, a personality trait, is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It is a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations.
It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.'

Or in less poncey language...

Tutting, nod your head disaprovingly, or carry on going about your business but with a straight face but a subtley angry demeanor.

There is an alternative where you don't have to post notes everywhere because you are afraid of out and out confrontation, confrontation is good, and in the immortal words of Bethman Hollweg on the eve of the First World War, confrontation is "a cleansing thunderstorm".

So why not try saving the post it notes for actual proper messages and just say whats on your mind, it worked out for all the parties during World War 1, now we get poppy day and its all because people made an effort to resolve their differences, through a complex set of alliences and several years of static trench warfare, which- to be honest- I would prefer to an ongoing campaign of whispers, slamming doors, muttering, huffing, rolling of the eyes and FUCKING post it notes. ( the capslock is also a sign of internet aggression, I know because I have seen it.)

So if you learn one thing from this piece, it is don't invent a fictional character with the power to fine you on the spot for £25. If you take a second lesson from this, Always travel with a valid pass.