Having overcooked some chicken earlier today I was distraught as there was nothing else in the fridge for me to eat, no money for me to purchase any more food and no chance of any overcooked chicken somehow becoming uncooked, this is because a) my fridge was empty b) my pockets were empty and c) because cooking is a one way process, much like the passage of time. The only way time can go backwards is if you are watching back to the future or Pulp Fiction which has a notorious non linear narrative.
And an unnecesary dance competition set piece.
This is all by the by because I have talked about time travel and paradoxes enough. (Incidentally this recent obsession is fueled by my reading of Ovid's Metamorphoses where a series of possibly deliberate continuity errors occur after Phaethon begs his father Apollo to ride the chariot that carries the sun across the sky, as a mortal Phaethon fails to control the horses which burn the walls of heaven and scorch the earth. Possibly disturbing the space time continuum. ) (I read Ovid because I am clever.)
Phaethon, the age old lesson never to lend your teenage child your car.
So where was I? Ah, cooking! I added chilli tumeric and garlic to the overcooked chicken and it tasted alright, that was it really. Nothing very exciting, not sure why I started harping on about non linear narratives and the principals of the passage of time. It was nice and I ate it. Didn't drive a chariot into anything, didn't set fire to anything. (Although as I have already stated, I slightly overcooked the chicken.)
A few days earlier I bumped into a friend on my way home from work, "How are you? I asked." I have just said out loud while writing this but when I saw him I didn't say "I asked." at the end of it. "I'm struggling to be honest, my mum has been diagnosed with cancer and the doctors say its not treatable."
This is obviously an awkward situation, how do you steer yourself to safer waters than this situation? I remembered back to a few days ago when I overcooked the chicken, I took some Garlic, Tumeric and chilli out of my pocket covered my friend in it and ate him, not only avoiding a difficult conversation involving feelings and emotions that I just don't have, but sparing my friend the pain of watching his mother deteriorate from such a dreadful illness before his eyes.
Cannibal image, with some free squiggly writing at the bottom.
In fact Armin Meiwes, the convicted German cannibal who put up an internet advert asking for someone to have their penis consumed by him- im not talking metaphorically- is in prison for cannibalism and killing him and stuff, was unable to eat his victims shaft because it was too gristly. Not only would he probably have been able to eat the gristly penis of Bernd-Jurgen Brandes had he added Tumeric, garlic and Chilli, but it turns out that due to a legal loophole in the German justice system, the consumption of human flesh when eaten with tumeric, garlic and chilli is perfectly legal. Don't believe me? here is the law in German...
"wenn sie mit Kurkuma, Knoblauch und Chili gegessen der Konsum von Menschenfleisch ist völlig legal." An Old German Law from the 40's.
So it turns out that chilli tumuric and garlic not only improve cooking, but also everyday situations. and even some EXTRAordinary situations. Perhaps if Andy Gray and Richard Keys invited karen Brady over to cook for her using the ingredients so heavily featured in this writing instead of implying that women don't know the offside rule, or even if one of them decided to cook the otherones penis and used the same ingredients. then maybe there wouldn't have been a recession in the first place.
watching pornography together no doubt.
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