two wrongs make a right.

Last night I was watching Channel 4's embarassing bodies, I try not to make a habit of it because it makes me wince and leaves me feeling uneasy about myself.



I'm not that easy with wincey things like moldy feet or boils or skin conditions, they remind me of my frailty as a human and ultimately, my own mortality.

To make it far worse, compounding the disgust that I have for this show, last night there was a scene where the 'dishy doctor' on it Dr Christian Jessen took the show that one step too far and made me spit out my meatball marianara.



Jessen was originally brought in to this show as the eye-candy doctor to boost the female viewing figures because all the other doctors on there are a bit ropey looking and as we all know, sex sells. or increases viewing figures. This choice blew up in the faces of C4 execs as Jessen has recently come out as being gay.

Now I don't have to have a masters in psychology to know what Jessen was trying to do in the show broadcast on Fri 12/2/11 at 9pm. There was a segment on the show about testicular cancer and the best way to check for lumps. It is an important issue as men are less likely to go to the doctors for fear of embarrasment, but that embarrasement that men feel didn't stop 11 firemen, sitting on a bench being filmed having their balls examined by Jessen.

I can't think of a bigger fuck you to the parents who no doubt put him through university than to say look mum. I'm feeling the balls of 11 firemen on primetime TV... does this look like a phase?



eurgh, he's touching another man's ball, and there is another man watching.


I had a similar aversion to Black Swan starring Natalie Portman, its a film with rashes, bloos under the toenails and other little whincey body horror touches that David Kronenberg is famous for, although Kronenberg didn't direct it Aronofsky did.



There is a lot being made of this film as someone kindly pointed out by scribbling all over the above poster. But the film itself is centred around Natalie Portmans characters quest to learn to masturbate. Obviously they had to make the film last longer they put some dancing shit in it as well.

I have some ideas for sequels along with actresses and a brief synopsis of the film and what can be used as filler between the masturbation scenes.

Green Swan. starring Megan Fox. Megan fox learns to masturbate (tap dancing.)

Blue Swan, starring Emma Stone. Emma Stone learns to masturbate (race cars)

Yellow Swan, starring Gemma Arterton, Gemma Arterton learns to masturbate (judo)



Now where I found the testicular examination of 11 firemen a bit gratuitous, I thought that the scenes with Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman kissing each other and Kunis going down on Portman very tasteful; (and I'm sure Kunis found it very tasteful too) and essential to the plot of a very intricate and intense film.

I watched the Fighter last week and it had no lesbian scenes so I don't think it should win any oscars. I have read that the kings speech is just about an Englishman with a stutter and doesn't have any lesbian scenes in it, so that shouldn't win any oscars either. Films that should have won Oscars but didn't are Mulholland Drive where Naomi Watts kisses a dark haired woman, Wild Things where Neve Campbell and Denise Richards go all lesbian in a swimming pool and Gia, where Angelina Jolie kisses fuckloads of girls.

Its strange that the sight of two women kissing is very appealing to straight men and has the capability to distract said men from the more disturbing scenes in some of films darker moments(Mulholland Drive and Black Swan being prime examples.) Yet the sight of 11 firemen in a line waiting for a gay doctor to touch their balls, seems only to compound and accentuate the body horror of rotting flesh puss filled wounds and failed cosmetic surgery.



Embarrasing Bodies. Body horror never looked so wrong.
Black Swan. Body Horror never looked so good.