When Updates are worse than what they are replacing.

One of the most common complaints amongst internet users is that the updates which are supposed to make lif more easy are actually ruining it and making people want to kill themselves or Mark Zuckerberg or Steve Jobs if he wasn't already dead from cancer. Some people actually believe that Steve Jobs cancer was caused by an inferior product update, although no scientific proof linking the two has been found as of yet.



Dead because of a faulty update?

One of the main concerns about product updates is that they are actually taking a step back. I have personal experience of this, although I don't like to complain about them, unlike the people who like to complain about Facebook's Timeline. The level of paranoia that people often like to display who complain about Facbooks timeline feature after manifests itself with copy/pasted legal speak where they are expected to be attacked in someway by Facebook.

*PRIVACY NOTICE: Warning--any person and/or institution and/or Agent and/or Agency of any governmental structure including but not limited to the United States Federal Government also using or monitoring/using this website or any of its associated websites, you do NOT have my permission to utilize any of my profile information nor any of the content contained herein including, but not limited to... my photos, and/ or the comments made about my photo`s or any other "picture" art posted on my profile. You are hereby notified that you are strictly prohibited from disclosing, copying, distributing, disseminating, or taking any other action against me with regard to this profile and the contents herein. The foregoing prohibitions also apply to your employee(s), agent(s), student(s) or any personnel under your direction or control. The contents of this profile are private and legally privileged and confidential information, and the violation of my personal privacy is punishable by law. UCC 1-103 1-308 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED WITHOUT PREJUDICE It is recommended that other members post a similar notice to this or you may copy and paste this one. Thank you. This is now a publicly traded site, Protect Yourself!

This of course, is absolute tosh:
a) If Facebook wants to use your photo's, it will because you have submitted them to its website.
b) Facebook has about 650 million users, this means that statisticlally you are about 30 times less likely to have your photo's hijacked by Mark Zuckerberg than of winning the lottery, and 150 times less likely to be struck by lightning, 75 times less likely to be struck by lightning twice, about the same odds as waking up and it was all a dream and that you are actually a dog on a sofa in a 3 bedroom house in Basildon, Essex.

But, I digress, back to my own and very real problems. The other day I downloaded an update for microsoft word, it promised me an easier life, more features and above all, happiness. When the upload had completed I restarted my computer and it transformed into a pen and a piece of paper.



Similarly, my Macafee anti virus had expired and needed updating, I paid the annual subscription, hit the download updates button and waited patiently for my newer, sheenier anti virus definitions. I awaited the protection and comfort that I have come to expect from a solid and trusted name like Macafee. Once the download was completed, I clicked on the icon expecting not only virus protection, but happiness, the future and a better life. What I found was a Columbo style supersleuth mystery, in which a multimillionairre man wrongly accused of the murder of his next door neighbour, tried to uncover the murderer whilst clearing his name.



It was riviting, but it was not what I paid for. At least the updated version of microsoft word which turned my laptop into a pen and a piece of paper was able to serve its purpous, this was just a pulp novel, part 'The Fugitive, Part 'Murder She Wrote'.

I wrote an E-mail to John Macafee to complain that his product was not as good as it had previously been, it was really elequently written, full of long flowery words and lots of emotive language, just like an E-mail complaint should be. All I got back was an automated E-mail excaliming that John Macafee couldnt respond to my correspondance because he was currently on the run from the Belizian authorities. Then it occured to me, John Macafee hadn't even bothered to compose a fictional piece of writing but had just written down his own experiences to replace with his anti virus protection, this was just laziness, and for that reason, I shall not be using Macafee again but will be switching to Norton.

An Uneasy Guide to the 2012 US election.

The US election leaves many people a little bit bemused. There is nothing anyone in Britain can do about it, and even if we had the vote, then roughly half of us would be left dissapointed and the other half would be all smug for four years until the next general election. There tends to be a 50% split in the vote with 1% either way swinging it for either presidential hopeful. The winner can do things like declare war on various Middle Eastern countries, recieve blow jobs from interns or get their brains blown out while in the back of a car, or if they are lucky, all three.



So back to the problem of 50% of the electorate being left dissapointed by Obama getting into power when half of America wanted Romney to win or vice versa. There may be a solution. People very much enjoyed the theatre of the live debates between Mitt and Barrack. There were some comedy goldmines like the "Binders Full of Women" shenanigans. We found out exactly what these two men were going to do with the nation, which direction they were going to take America in and how they are going to solve some of the most complicated problems ever seen by a Commander in Chief. It is for this reason that I think in the hours leading up until the announcement as to whohas won the election, both candidates should be flown to the swing state of Ohio, where in a televised competition both Obama and Romney should masturbate furiously onto a biscuit, and the one who ejaculates last will have to eat the biscuit.

 

Biscuit?

If Obama was to outgun Romney then the people who initially voted for him would be so disgusted by the fact that he ate a spunk covered biscuit, that it would probably take them 4 years to get over it. If Obama was voted in and still lost the game then the alienated republicans would be comforted by the thought that Barrack Obama would do absolutely anything for his country.



"I will be using this hand to wank onto the biscuit" "And I shall be using this one to wank onto the biscuit."

Another idea I has was that perhaps Michelle Obama and Ann Romney, the wives of the presidential candidates, should both take a televised shit with a CNN camera underneath Ann and a Fox News camera underneath Michelle, and political analysts from either side could make disparaging about the way in which they squeezed out their shits, the consistency of their shit, the colour and content of their shits and that kind of thing... although as I am typing it out I am starting to think it is a little bit nasty, and it isn't really Michelle Obama's fault that she is married to barrack any more than it is Ann's fault she is married to Mitt. For that reason, I'm not going to insist on the presidential candidates wives shitting on worldwide TV, I'm going to stick with insisting that the presidential candidates wank onto a biscuit instead.



Sarah Palin was said to be looking forward to eating both Michelle Obama's and Ann Romney's shit.

At the moment I dont think that it should have any standing over who should go into government, but who knows, eventually this competition could completely replace democracy. Afterall, would this be the kind of rite of passage that would attract the power hungry? Only people prepared to do anything in service of their nation would be. And also it might reduce the need for people writing pros and cons of Presitential Candidates, like the one eloquantly written by Political Commentator, Philosopher and Pimp'O'Pimp Daddy Mac: Snoop Doggy Lion.

Art is still rubbish

Art has always been a bone of contention, something I have enjoyed but never been very good at...

Here is an example of my greatest piece of work, which has attracted the most interest at various auction houses around the world...

The piece 'Pink headed sad bastard with Green Balloon'.

Phase 1. Interpretation.

You would think that someone with a green balloon would be happy, right? well yeah but Pink headed bastard isn't. because the balloon has hidden meaning, it is something that floats away when you let go. Pink headed sad bastard is sad because he knows that eventually, he is going to have to let the balloon go when he needs to go to the toilet or eat or do perform whatever bodily function that humans are bound to do by the laws of nature. So there is the hidden meaning in the balloon. BUT WAIT! there is more to it than that because the colour green is also loaded with meaning. Green is the colour of envy. We've all heard of the green eyed monster...

Phase 2. The problems of interpretation

Does green always mean envy? well, no. It could mean something completely different, the fact that this picture has been drawn by an artiste means that the interpretation you are probably thinking of is wrong, because you are simply a plebian and not fit to clean the clingits from his bumhole. Artists are often plagued by things that help their creativity, but ultimately destroy them, Eg: Heroin, Cocaine, Alcohol etc... From here you can see that the artist is carrying something fragile, which could burst at any time. The balloon represents the artists psyche and its green colour represents the fact that it sad pink head bastard is an alcoholic; this is something that is backed up by the shade of pink headed sad bastards face. The green obviously represents Absinthe, the green fairy. Idiots.



see?

Phase 3. ... Someone arguing with you claiming their interpretation is more accurate.

This is what turns me off art all together, the fact that there is someone who thinks their interpretation is more definitive than yours (or more importantly, mine.) These kind of disputes pop up all the time in art. This is a wiki entry about disputes over what art is.

So how do we fix this whole sorry mess?

Create your own art movement, start with a manifesto, give it a stupid name.

Then what?

Go to the Tate modern in London's South Bank/

And then?

Go into the Rothko room with a marker pen, and scribble your name on a priceless Rothko painting, it is much easier than actually making your own art, and you can say something which will force people to look at your manifesto... you could make it look something like this...




Of course, everyone will get upset with you for defacing such a beautiful piece of blah blah blah and other pretentious precious shit that falls out of art critics mouths like manure from the anus of a cow. Ultimately you will be arrested for vandalism but it doesn't matter, Artists should suffer for their art. Because you are a scrawny artist and not a proper criminal you will probably get fiddled with by bigger men in prison. They will steal your dinner, make you look after contraband and possibly bumsex you. You'll get found hanging in a cell, because artists dont make good inmates.

Still Want to do Art?

No is the answer. Listen to your parents, they want what's best for you. Take that office job, sign on and go on the dole, become a lawyer, astronaut or racecar driver because Art is a closed shop, and besides; as an artiste  myself, I don't want any more competition.

Now who wants to start the bidding on 'Pink Headed Sad Bastard With Green Balloon'? Bidding Starts at five hundred thousand pounds.

Harmless fandom, or something more sinister?

The innocence of muslims, a student film made earlier this year, has sparked outrage in the muslim world. Widespread protests have occured and several people have been murdered. With damage to property, assaults, murders and outrage; there are pockets of Islam that are acting anything, except innocent! (hahaha)



The film itself has been around since June but was only picked up by the press in September, around about the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. It is for this reason that many people think that this is not a co-incidence and is probably part of some covert media war. The fact that the film looks like an absolute piece of shit filmed on a shakey cam with cardboard sets and arabs being played by people with boot polish on their face.




Towel? Check. Cardboard Desert Backdrop? Check... Lights... Camera... ACTION!

It is important that we don't single out Islam as being the only touchy group when it comes to their way of life or their beliefs being criticised. When 'The Last Temptation of Christ' was released, it recieved widespread criticism and attracted outrage from the Vatican for suggesting that Jesus was taken down from the cross by Satan and lived a normal life, having a wife and children.



...and portraying him as a ginger.

So it isn't just muslims who who get upset about their religion getting messed around with. This doesn't excuse Islam, it doesn't get a free pass to carry on smashing up US embassies. It's simply not cricket.

So it's all religions fault not Islam or Christianity? Well, not really: we could find examples of extremism well away from religion.

Let's have a look at some of the comments that Selena Gomez got while she was with Justin Bieber...

"Stay away from Justin pedophile. I'm gonna kill ya in the night underneath your smelly bed" If you liked that one you'll love... "Dear Selena Gomez. I hate you more than life. Go jump off a cliff. K?" This isn't all that far from "Behead those who insult Islam."



Alright, chill out.


Bieber is a case in point about how fans can issue fatwas just as quickly as Muslim Clerics, but just as fundamentaslist are the Twilight fans...

www.ranker.com has three examples of Twilight fans assaulting non fans for making disparaiging comments about the book and film franchise, one where a flaregun was fired at a group of people and another where a schoolgirl tried to slit the throat of a classmate.







So it is starting to look like fanatacism isn't just for the religious, in fact there is a whole new breed of fanaticism being bred right under our noses, some might say that we are nurturing. Why is this not in the newspapers? Why are we not doing anything about it? Why is there no shady prison camp in Cuba or some other remote part of the world to deal with these fuckers? Well this is where I can start to construct a whole conspiracy theory about the children we (or more specifically, the media) are raising.

At the same time as covertly declaring a war on Islam, the media is also covertly raising an army of militants to fight them. Westernised people, no longer bring up their children, they leave it to shows like Barney and Adventure Time and Spongebob Squarepants. When they realize at the age of twelve that the world isn't full of bubbles and rainbows and bright colours and talking animals, they seek shelter. Either in a fantasy world, like Harry Potter or the Twilight series, where they can get lost, indoctrined and radicalized.



In the mean time the media continues to construct Islam as the enemy. The next logical step is Fox news announcing that Muslims have kidnapped Justin Bieber and Robert Pattinson. Naturally, the Twihards and Beliebers will unite and mobilize. This will set in motion the final battle.

My point is simple, are we going to allow the media to portray Islam as a threat, when there is an even greater threat lurking in every street across the UK. It could be our children, our nieces or our nephews. We can only walk around with our eyes shut for so long before we realize, we are allowing 20thCenturyFox to use our children as the soldiers of tomorrow against Muslims.

It's obvious isn't it?

So what can we do to stop our kids being dragged into the final conflict and stopping them from becoming foot soldiers in Rupert Murdoch's hitleresque scheme to rid the world of Islam? Don't let them buy the Sun, obviously.

Equally, we can't blame everything on the Sun or Newscorp. We are to blame for allowing Murdoch to get to a point where he could dictate how we should be thinking, what summer blockbusters we are all going to see this year, who our enemies should be. In all honesty, What has Islam ever done to us? (apart from blow up a few planes, trains and busses of course.)

Asteroid?

If you are a massive geek, you will be aware that in recent days, Jupiter took a direct hit from a giant asteroid which was heading roughly in the direction of the Earth.






While it is great news that Jupiter got hit and not Earth, Jupiter isn’t going to be here every time to save us, it has other places to be it’s got moons to look after and an orbit to fulfil.



With several asteroids sharing an orbit with the Earth, inevitably, we will eventually get one, hopefully it will land on America like it always does in the films, they will be able to sort that shit out won’t they? They have the self belief and the gumption and the never say die attitude that would get us through.

Well, no. Not really. The size and speed of the asteroids on the orbit path of Earth would probably destroy 70-85% of all life on the continent it hits in the first few days. The Tunguska Event involved a small comet disintegrating some 5000 ft above ground level in Siberia. Even so, its effect on ground level was 1000 times more powerful than the bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki combined. I would like to see Bruce Willis have a crack at sorting that.




Too old for this shit etc...


If you are lucky enough not to be in the epicentre of the blast, it would be a good idea to get up a hill, a mountain, the highest ground you can find really (although bear in mind that oxygen starts to get thinner the higher you go.) The chances are that any asteroid would hit the sea, as it covers 75% of the Earth, this will cause the sea levels to rise by between 3 metres and 300 metres, so all you smug people who live in Brighton or San Francisco because you’re cool. HAHA.





If you are hill people or particularly good at surfing, then you have survived phase one of the tidal wave, well done. Next up, the firestorms! Most of these Asteroids contain a core of dense radioactive material, and as well as that, if they are to dent the Earth deeply enough they will release magma beneath the surface of the earth by between 12 and 120 miles depending on the angle that it hits at. Expect global firestorms. The water that you were running away from now becomes your only real means of survival. The trick is to get on high ground, but not too high. Fortunately the firestorms will only last for a week or so, so umbrellas at the ready.



So, providing we survive the impact, tsunamis and firestorms, we’re safe right? Well not really. For the following 12-15 months as a result of the nitrogen and sulphur dioxide in the air, there will be a constant flow of acid rain. Killing most plantlife, destroying and disfiguring statues and buildings made from limestone and leaving our drinking water supply decimated. Good job there are hundreds of millions of litres of bottled drinking water stored in supermarkets across the globe.

Any plants that survive the acid rain will not be able to photosynthesise because of the giant dustclouds obscuring sunlight from the Earth. But never fear, with millions of supermarkets worldwide, there will be a large amount of food to hunt down in the following months. So surviving the famine and droughtas well as the acid rain firestorm tsunami and actual impact of the Asteroid hitting, will probably leave us able to get back to normal? Well, there is the small matter of nuclear radiation.



You think that's bad? just wait until the asteroid hits.

Asteroids tend to be made from bits of stars and tend to be incredibly radioactive, due to the fact that the atoms which make up these are heavier due to having extra neutrons, as well as that, the centre of the earth is also incredibly radioactive, due to the fact that the earth is essentially made up of several asteroids that have crashed into each other, all of which were incredibly radioactive. This means most of the surviving population will be subject to radiation sickness, birth defects or sterility and cancer. I don't mean to paint a bleak picture but it really doesn't look good. This doesn't necassarily have to drastically effect your way of life, providing either you are a survivalist, or we colonise other planets in the not too distant future.

So don't despair, I have given you a head start, and if you clicked on this link expecting a gushy geeky reminisce about the 1970s computer game 'asteroid', then appy poly gys, as Anthony Burgess might say, just so you are not completely dissapointed, here is a screenshot.



because life used to be so simple when asteroids could be destroyed by a triangle with three dots coming out of it.

Other things that happened on September 11th

Today is a day synonymous with the worst attrocity on anyone in history ever (apart from maybe the holocaust) (and the Armenian Genocide) (and maybe the slavery thing) (and probably lots of other stuff upon reflection.) but the fact is that September 11th will always be known for the attacks on the world trade centre by a group of Afghan Iraqi Saudi and Egyptian terrorists, of course a plane went into the pentagon as well, but because there wasn't any shakey cam footage of that happening, it kind of gets forgotten.



Mohamed Mohammed Atta, who was neither Afghan or Iraqi.

All this kind of overshadowed all of the other things that have happened on other September 11th's. My first thought from this is that it is a good job that other historical events don't get jealous, or there would be a lot of events that fell on previous or subsequent september 11th's's. But then I had a second thought, and that was this: Just because an event can't speak or doesn't have a physical embodiment, it doesn't necassarily mean that it doesn't have feelings, it is for this reason that I am going to give some other things that happened on september 11th the airtime that they deserve.

What is interesting is that there have been a few other air crashes on september 11th, one in 1968 off the coast of Nice, in the south of France, and another in 1974 crashing near North Carolina in the US.

So having 3 planes crash on September 11th 2001, is nothing special really, planes have a historical knack of crashing on that date, so why should the world trade centre attacks be considered special?

Not only that but it wasn't even the first hijacking to occur on the 11th of September, the culmination of the Dawson Field hijacking by the PLO occured on september 11th, when 88 hostages were released. of course, the hijacking occured on september 6th but it wouldn't have made sense to mention that in a blog titled 'Other Things That Happened on Sept 11th' so pretend I never said it.




Another terrorist attack occured in New York when a group of Croatian nationals planted a bomb in Grand Central station in 1976, killing a rather unimpressive one people which I know isn't gramatically correct but I can't bring myself to say 'person' because it would make their efforts even less impressive, and they obviously made an effort. they popped a bomb in the station and everything.

So far I've only gone on about disasters, hijackings and terrorism, which is kind of what september 11th is all about, unfortunately.


In 1978, then president Jimmy Carter pushed through a bill making September 11th national Grandparents day, which is much nicer than having to remember a terrorist attack, if I had to choose between remembering my grandparents and the world trade centre attacks, I'd much rather remember my Grandparents... well the ones on my dads side anyway, the ones on my mums side were fucking horrible, I'd rather remember any number of things before them.

Her voice had to be disguised on TV for political reasons.

See? I tried to make that one a nice one and even then a nice little reminisce about my grandparents descended into an obscure reference for IRA terrorism that anyone growing up in the 80s in Britain would recognise.

So trying to reclaim September 11th as a day when we remember nice things has been a total failure, which has left me rather disheartened, which is rediculous because at the start I don't think I was even trying to make september 11th more fluffy.

Olympic U-turn

The good thing about being a semi- anonymous blogger is that I can change my mind without anyone noticing. I was initially quite cynical about the Olympic games being held in London, some might say I were a sourpuss, others might have called me a miserable whiney cunt, or a ‘stupid prick’ a few might have called me a Roynish Clown (they are the ones that I like the best because you can’t beat a bit of Shakespearian insultery ) To these people, I say ‘fuck off’ I am allowed an opinion.

Out of these three distinctive types of people, there may be subgroups who might be happy that I have changed my minds (for I have many, that wasn’t just a typing error that I decided to leave in there so that I could write some bizarre explanation about having lots of minds, even though it isn’t true,) about the Olympics, that once the politicians have all shut the fuck up, and I have managed to zone out the overload of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and other companies tagging the Olympic name next to theirs even though these companies are ideologically opposed to the spirit of sport, fitness and inclusivity (not sure why I used inclusivity as the third in the rule of three, but then again I have not written anything in a while, so if anyone reads it, they will hopefully give me a break,) where was I? Ah yes, that once the dust settled on the hype and I actually saw the Olympics in action, that I might change my mind; Because of this the three categories 1) Sourpuss 2) miserable whiney cunt/’stupid prick’ 3) Roynish Clown will again split into three separate categories: 1) Yay! He changed his mind and is getting into the Olympic spirit, 2) fucking silly cunt doesn’t even have the integrity to stand by his convictions or 3) I don’t really care, I expected him to do that and my original thoughts on him still stand.

I now have 6 potential demographics of people I need to keep happy and this is a lot of pressure… Some might say it is like spinning plates. The way I see it, I have three options:

Option 1)

Deny making any derogatory terms about the Olympics. One of the things that changed my mind about the Olympics were the opening ceremony, Danny Boyle refocused my attention on Britain’s achievements; Isembard Brunel, literature, music, Mike Oldfield, Paolo Nutella and multiculturalism. The last one, funnily enough was enough to upset the Tory MP Aiden Burley and the Daily Mail writer Rick Dewsbury both of whom backtracked (or in the Daily Mail example, was probably backtracked by an editor who realized that this sounds racist even for the daily mail.) after making some quite borderline comments. Seeing as these people have probably never been to Thamesmead, Woolwich, Peckham, Tottenham, Brick Lane, Whitechapel, Ladbroke Grove, Brixton, Stockwell, Westbourne Park, Harlesden, Kilburn, or any other part of London that isn’t Richmond upon Thames, or Belgravia; they would fail to see how multiculturalism actually works. The Daily Mail article originally looked like this:

“This was supposed to be a representation of modern life in England but it is likely to be a challenge for the organisers to find an educated white middle-aged mother and black father living together with a happy family in such a set-up.

Almost, if not every, shot in the next sequence included an ethnic minority performer. The BBC presenter Hazel Irvine gushed about the importance of grime music (a form of awful electronic music popular among black youths) to east London. This multicultural equality agenda was so staged it was painful to watch.”

 before being edited to look a little more like this:

“This was supposed to be a representation of modern life in England but such set-ups are simply not the ‘norm’ in any part of the country. So why was it portrayed like this and given such prominence? If it was intended to be something that we can celebrate, that two people with different colour skin and different cultural heritages can live harmoniously together, then it deserves praise.

But what will be disturbing to many people is top-down political manipulation – whether consciously or unthinkingly – at a major sporting event.”

 So I could go back in time and revise all the statements I had ever made to fit in with my viewpoint as it is today, (or at least make my views seem less in a light that will make me look bad. which is exactly what the daily mail did.)

 

...and Stalin.

Option 2)

Pretend I was hacked, which is, no doubt what the girl who made the abusive twitter comment to Tom Daily is doing at the very second I am writing this. And that is the reason why there is one anti Olympic standpoint and a reasonably pro standpoint next to it. Obviously, having two different viewpoints isn’t quite the same as insulting prominent sportsmen over the internet about their dead dad what died of a brain tumour, but in the cold light of day, it is apparently the good thing to do to stand by your principles and stick to your guns. Which is why I have so much respect for the Catholic Church, because they won’t change their mind on the use of contraception even though it could prevent a HIV epidemic in the developing world, like they didn’t change their mind when Galileo announced that the Earth went around the sun, not vice-versa? So if I were to pretend to have been hacked, I would be able to maintain the same high morals and sheer bloody mindedness of God’s representative on earth.

 

Tom Daley... probably praying to the pope, or god or something.

Option 3)

Just leave it so that the six potential demographics might realize that it isn’t a problem to change your mind. Someone living in an Olympic hotspot (and there are fuckloads of them) may be worried about the impact it might have on their lives and then after seeing the Olympic machine in action, have their mind put at rest. The problem with this is that if people don’t like this, or indeed any of my other blogs, they might anonymously write ‘stupid prick’ in the comments page, and if that were to happen, I’d be shattered, my fragile ego left in taqtters, (which is just the word tatters but with a typing error in it, and that ‘q’ alone, denotes that the mere thought of someone anonymously writing ‘stupid prick’ in a comments section of my blog makes me so upset thst it s stoping mem frm typring prprley.) I take solace in the fact that if hypothetically someone did write ‘stupid prick’ in the comments section of one of my blog-posts, that they probably wouldn’t have been able to articulate a decent response to any witty comeback that I might have made in return: which would have been either

a)      I’m sorry you feel that way, manmachine201 does everything in its power to make its reader (casual or otherwise) and we are sorry that on this occasion we have failed to do so. Please accept my middle finger which smells of your mums vagina held under your nose whilst I stick the middle finger up your bum. (My big toe has been up your gran too, so that is three generations of your family I have inserted myself into, but then again, that is exactly the kind of place you might expect to find a ‘stupid prick.’)

Regards

              Manmachine201

b)      More like you are one!

      c)       Ouch, that really hurt my feelings.

Obviously all this is hypothetical, so if it ever were to happen, I would use one of those options above, but all this is swaying very much from the point that once I have gotten over the unease of the huge military presence in my home town, been put at rest by the enthusiasm and friendliness of the Olympic volunteers (who have made the area I live in a joy to wander through) and allowed myself to get emotional at the opening ceremony, it turned out that the Olympics isn’t that bad at all, and if that makes me a stupid prick, then I’ll gladly piss through the cat flap of anyone who told me so.

Now I’m off to BBC red button… there is female weightlifting on and this stupid prick isn’t gonna pull itself.

PHWOOOOOOOAAAR!!!

How Marxism ruined Euro 2012

This morning I watched Breakfast on the BBC. I was a little sad to see the England penalty misses. I found it strange that both of the people who missed were called Ashley. It was this afternoon that someone linked this to me. It was at this point that it suddenly dawned on me. That wasn't a replay of the two England penalty misses I saw, because the BNP's facebook site states quite categorically that the BBC hasn't shown any replays, of the England players penalty misses, and that the reason for this is for no other reason than their blackness. I simply imagined the report at 6.45am, Where Ashley Young rattled the crossbar, followed by a cut to a softly taken penalty from Ashley Cole 7.15am Where Ashley Young rattled the crossbar, followed by a cut to a softly taken penalty from Ashley Cole And at 7.45am, Where the BBC showed footage of Ashley young hitting the crossbar from the penaltyspot followed by a quick edit to Ashley Cole's penalty being saved by Gianluigi Buffon, who didn't point both his fingers at his Italian because it wasn't shown... I eventually realized that the BBC had not only not shown the penalty misses 4 times in one hour this morning as I was getting ready for work, but that they refused to acknowledge that there were any black people in the England squad, through fear of offending the black community.


For example: This is the BBC footage of a Danny Welbeck interview.

Not only that, but I also discovered that not only not seeing the penalty misses three times on the BBC as I was getting ready for work this morning because black people missed them; I also saw that because the England team were completely bad and couldn't string together a single full 90 minute performance, that every picture of a black player has been edited out of every official picture... The above pic, is from the opening game against France, if you look carefully, you will see that Wayne Rooney is actually four of the players in the picture... AND HE WAS SUSPENDED FOR THE FRANCE GAME!! IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING EVEN BOLDER THAN CAPITAL LETTERS TO GET MY NEXT POINT ACROSS OH! WAIT! THERE IS! MY NEXT POINT IS THAT I DEFINATELY DIDN'T DOCTOR THAT PICTURE ON PAINTBRUSH FOR MY OWN PURILE AMUSEMENT! THE BBC DEFINATELY EDITED ALL THE BLACK PLAYERS FROM THE PICTURES! IT WASN'T ME!

Righty, So why would the BBC go to such extreme lengths to make me think that I saw the penalty misses from Cole and Young this morning whilst editing out any evidence that black people were on the team?

Well, it's Marxism isn't it?! Of course we live in a Marxist society. Another point I would like to make about Marxism is that it is often misunderstood, Das Kapital is a huge book, and as such it is open to misenterpretation. Yes it would be easy to think that the principles of Marxism would be to redistribute wealth more evenly, mass nationalisation and the abolition of ownership, but that would be a mistake, because Karl Marx's entire philosophy was based on covering up the penalty misses of any ethnic minorities.



So next time you have an essay about socialism in school, remember, all that stuff about sharing the wealth is just lies the secret Marxist-Zionist conspirators tell us. Not only are they covering up news reports about penalty misses, but they are also lying about what communism even is. the cunts.

Some More Facts about Gay Marraige.

A recent argument from a leading lobby group trying to block gay marraige claims that changing the legislation could also lead to legislation which would definately lead to the legalisation of polygamy and incest. This is one of the most worrying truths of the issues surrounding gay marraige; if this is passed through, people will eventually be abel to marry their sisters as well as brothers (because gay-incest marraige will also be legal) they will be able to marry everyone they meet at a party, eventually people will be able to marry cats, rats, fish, dogs, bats and cabbages. Elton John will also be able to marry himself.



...or a goat.

Elton John is of course one of the leading voices in favour of gay marraige, as well as being the writer of the lion king soundtrack and being very hostile to Taiwanese journalists and getting really upset during a tennis game because someone said 'cooo-ey' to him, but has he thought seriously about the impact that allowing gays to marry would have on society? We already know that if gay marraige becomes legal then we will have no choice but to legalise polygamy and incest, because some MP's and Bishops said so... and probably paedophillia too, I'm not sure why the MP's and bishops never put that in the leaflet because it is so obviously as true as everything else they are saying... but what other effects will it have on society?



Recent evidence to come out of the archives suggest that the September 11th attacks were not perpetrated by islamist militants, as we have believed for the past decade, they occured as a result of someone on each of the three planes saying the words 'gay marraige' forcing the planes to veer into the twin towers. If gay marraige legislation was to take place then there is a very real threat that every day will be september 11th.



The Fukushima nuclear disaster last year was initially caused by a tsunami and earthquake, but recently physisists discovered several gay marraiges had worked their way into the tectonic plates creating a seizmic shift which not only caused the earthquake and tsunami, but also Hurricane Katrina which devestated New Orleanes a few years ago. There are very real fears that gay marraige will lead to far more natural disasters. Scientists said it so it is definately true.

Going back to the legal issues surrounding gay marraige, which was brought up by the lobbygroup, a recent study found that because of the mechanics of the legislation surrounding it, that if it were to be legalised then there would be no choice but to legalise murder, cannibalisation and genocide. Now I am all for equality but not at the expense of millions of lives.

There are also reports that the upsurge in illegal gay marraiges caused the global financial crisis, by destabalising quantitative easing on the FTSE 100 index. In spite of these carefully researched facts there appear to be more and more people coming out in favour as this following graph shows.



One of the most worrying things about this is that the lines between those who favour and oppose, and all the dots on the graph, when drawn and put together, look like a diseased penis, which is probably a bigger reason to oppose gay marraige than any moral arguments or looking at the historical evidence which suggests that gay marraige is a bad idea.



Part of the problem is that gay people want to have the same rights as everyone else, but feel that by not being allowed to marry they are being treated as second class citizens, so perhaps we need to find another way to reach a concensus, it is obviously very dangerous to allow gay people to marry because it will lead to climate change, a further erosion of the global economy, wars and disasters BUT the fact remains that gay people do deserve to have the same rights as straight people,
(not Adam and Steve...apparently.)

There is probably a way around it, and that would be to ban marraige all together, people who are currently married will all have to get divorced and there will be an upsurge in children born out of wedlock, because wedlock will be illegal. The wedding industry will suffer, but in general the wedding industry is probably on par with pyramid schemes in terms of its racketeering. I want the wedding industry to suffer because they are overcharging savages that I would like to see going bankrupt.

So if gay people can't get married lets have it so no one else is allowed to get married, gay people wouldn't get what they want but at least they would be on an equal footing with straight folk.

there's no such thing as a bad idea?

As the most successful blogger in the world, today, you might see how I don't try so hard anymore when it comes to the uneasy guide to life. If you read back and follow all of the steps, you will have the perfect life, all thanks to my guide what I have put on't internet... thats alright, dont worry... stop it, I do blush! *gush* and all that stuff. If you were to have a philosophy then the uneasy guide to life would be a good philosophy to live by... love everyone, hate black people, love black people and not black people. fight the power, dont fight the power, sit there and conform, fuck yourself, dont fuck yourself. confused? you needn't be, just read the companion piece to the uneasy guide to life...



Lowest form of wit.

Yes, the bible, often blamed for the ills of the world in modern society. We can safely assume that it is not the direct word of God, if indeed God exists, *insert theological argument here* brilliant, you can just pretend you have read a massive long argument that either supports or clashes with your view and you can join my cult/declare the nonexistence of god/declare jihad on me/ shrug your shoulders because you are still no clearer. YOU have 4 choices that I have given you, and numerous more that I didn't offer because you have already decided, you have thought about the correct answer for you and that is great, brilliant, pat yourself on the back.

Thought is a powerful tool, for example, someone thought about the possibility of spliting the atom and suddenly two bombs get dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.



Nice one, we can blame the war, we can blame the Jews, we can blame the coalition, but the route of it was from one mans thought... but thinking is good you say? no, thinking is not good and you are an idiot for thinking that, lets look at the ideas of three thinkers and I will tell you why those thoughts amount to idiocy and usually genocide...

Karl Marx, brilliant, everyone should get on and share their wealth. yes, this is a good idea, but it challenges previous ideas which have also cost millions of lives to maintain. Eg: the Roman empire, superiority, Papal control and all the other things that communists hate, like wealth, unequal distribution of power and stuff like that. Look at him! He looks like father Christmas! people who believe in father christmas are idiots and so are the people who believe in the teachings of Karl Marx. Fools. Not only that, but Marx, the person who concieved the modern notion of socialism, because of his stupid thoughts, led to Leninism, which in turn led to Stalinism, which led to the death of 30 million Russians, Germans and eastern europeans. great... so communism rocks! or communism is shit, but what caused communism?



Next up we have Nietzche, the 'father of modern thought' who stated that God is dead, touched on the idea of a 'superman' or 'ubermensche' and that nothing we do now has any moral relevance to anything, nothing is good or bad, it simply is. I am not saying that this is a bad thing, in fact if used correctly, this way of thinking can help us evolve beyond god and all that gubbins... the only problem is that it ends up being the basis of Nazi thought...6 million dead. Determinism, morality doesn't exist, the only law is that of nature.

This is massively great shit. can't go wrong. Two thoughts 30-40 million dead. Should we continue blaming religion for all of the stuff going wrong or should we just be honest and say rational or irrational, it is all our fault?



Rousseau... the Social Contract, yes, this is all stuff that is supposed to lift us out of the tyranny of monarchy and stuff, what did Rousseau's line of thought lead to? yes, the French Revolution...

I asked the question what was the death toll of the french revolution to www.questionwebsite.com and they said it was over a million, including that of the napoleonic wars, which is brilliant, it takes the three ideas that humans had and shows us the human cost that these human ideas had, not even bothering to incorporate christianity, islam, or any religious ideas I have a rought estimate of 50 million people dying before they should have done... this leads me to the conclusion that any human idea, whether secular or religious is a bad idea and will innevitably lead to the death of millions...

so next time you have an idea, do us all a favour and keep it to yourself.

DIAMOND JUBILEE AMAZING TRUTHS!!!

Courtesy of Sydney Harbourbridge and Mambo Jamberstein, The two most tireless researchers at the university of life. Their best selling book 'The Bible' is available at Waterstones priced £14.99... Although Jamberstein claims not to have written any of it, he actually wrote all the bits about poo and willys.

To Celebrate the Diamond Jubilee, they have tirelessly worked their way through, the British Library, Delphic Oracle, Wikipedia and several thousand internet pornography links to come up with a meticulously meticulous group of AMAZING TRUTHS!!!

• 'the Queen was named after the band Queen'
• Prince Charles has tried to kill his mother in order to take the throne, by dropping a massive anvil from a cliff edge whilst she runs past at high speed below.
• the queen is so revered that if she were to have a limb cut off, another one would grow back, simply because that is what the public want.
• The Queen has matched Marc Almond pint for pint in a cum drinking contest, on at least five occasions.

Almond, unable to consume as much spunk as QE II

• for the silver jubilee, renowned sculptor alexander calder made a bust of the queen out of his own shit as a gift, the queen was so happy with it that she ate it.

Calders more abstract works were rejected for a more conventional sculpture, crafted out of his own faeces.

                                

• Elizabeth II won the crown in a dance off with her sister, Margaret
• When visiting African countries, the Queen is only really happy if the women do a funny dance with their tits flapping about.
• to celebrate making swans the royal bird the queen had all british swans genetically modified so for every 10 eggs they lay the 11th egg will contain a first class stamp.
• Elizabeth II's favourite song to sing at karaoke is Winona's Big Brown Beaver by Primus
• the Queen invented the extendable baton, CS gas and the element Hydrogen.

The Queen invented Hydrogen, which has recently become the most abundent and popular element in the known universe! Congratulations M'aam!

• Queen insists on a branch of the otherwise defunct chain of frozen food stores Bejams to be kept going perpetually within the grounds of Windsor Castle.
• The Queen still believes that the sound of thunder is God moving furniture around in Heaven.
• When Princess Diana died, the Queen had 'Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish' tattooed on her chest.but it was misspelt by the tattooist  'Bud Rabbish', in an English accident. Rabbish was coincidentally a peripheral character in the sequel to Saturday Night Fever, her nipples were the o's in 'good'.
• During her christmas day TV adresses she likes to be naked from the waist down...she also likes to be naked from the waist up, but she's not allowed.

The Queens favourite past time is to dress up as African dictators, she was so convincing dressing up as Robert Mugabe that Peter Thatchel handcuffed himself to her by mistake, with hilarious results.

Tatchell tricked into a protest with the Queen.

• The Queen was the first Russian into space.
• The Queen was the first dog into space.
• The Queen was the first, second and third man on the moon.
• The Queen is the only member of the royal family not to have gone to the moon.
• When the Queen hears the national anthem, her vulva quivers so much that her knickers catch fire.
• Before Elizebeth was born, The Queen Mum gave birth to a hole punch and a pocket calculator, they were twins but royal protocol states that women jump the succession line if born after stationary.

If not for Elizabeths birth, this could have been our monarch. 

• The original melody for 'God Save Our Queen' was the theme music from the 'Benny Hill Show'
• If Bono, lead singer of Irish supergroup U2 ever dies then Royal Protocol dictates that the Queen would take over as the bands enigmatic front person.

Uno, Dos, Tres, Catores!!

I hope you have found enlightenment in our unending search for the AMAZING TRUTHS. We have let nothing stop us from delivering them to you, even reality has been overcome in our quest to deliver the AMAZING TRUTHS. With Special thanks to the Royal Estate, BBC archives, Bono, and especially, Renothy Deekington, Mambo's evil twin, who has kindly fallen asleep long enough for us to escape his layer hidden under a volcano in the pacific to deliver the jubilee special AMAZING TRUTHS!!