DIAMOND JUBILEE AMAZING TRUTHS!!!

Courtesy of Sydney Harbourbridge and Mambo Jamberstein, The two most tireless researchers at the university of life. Their best selling book 'The Bible' is available at Waterstones priced £14.99... Although Jamberstein claims not to have written any of it, he actually wrote all the bits about poo and willys.

To Celebrate the Diamond Jubilee, they have tirelessly worked their way through, the British Library, Delphic Oracle, Wikipedia and several thousand internet pornography links to come up with a meticulously meticulous group of AMAZING TRUTHS!!!

• 'the Queen was named after the band Queen'
• Prince Charles has tried to kill his mother in order to take the throne, by dropping a massive anvil from a cliff edge whilst she runs past at high speed below.
• the queen is so revered that if she were to have a limb cut off, another one would grow back, simply because that is what the public want.
• The Queen has matched Marc Almond pint for pint in a cum drinking contest, on at least five occasions.

Almond, unable to consume as much spunk as QE II

• for the silver jubilee, renowned sculptor alexander calder made a bust of the queen out of his own shit as a gift, the queen was so happy with it that she ate it.

Calders more abstract works were rejected for a more conventional sculpture, crafted out of his own faeces.

                                

• Elizabeth II won the crown in a dance off with her sister, Margaret
• When visiting African countries, the Queen is only really happy if the women do a funny dance with their tits flapping about.
• to celebrate making swans the royal bird the queen had all british swans genetically modified so for every 10 eggs they lay the 11th egg will contain a first class stamp.
• Elizabeth II's favourite song to sing at karaoke is Winona's Big Brown Beaver by Primus
• the Queen invented the extendable baton, CS gas and the element Hydrogen.

The Queen invented Hydrogen, which has recently become the most abundent and popular element in the known universe! Congratulations M'aam!

• Queen insists on a branch of the otherwise defunct chain of frozen food stores Bejams to be kept going perpetually within the grounds of Windsor Castle.
• The Queen still believes that the sound of thunder is God moving furniture around in Heaven.
• When Princess Diana died, the Queen had 'Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish' tattooed on her chest.but it was misspelt by the tattooist  'Bud Rabbish', in an English accident. Rabbish was coincidentally a peripheral character in the sequel to Saturday Night Fever, her nipples were the o's in 'good'.
• During her christmas day TV adresses she likes to be naked from the waist down...she also likes to be naked from the waist up, but she's not allowed.

The Queens favourite past time is to dress up as African dictators, she was so convincing dressing up as Robert Mugabe that Peter Thatchel handcuffed himself to her by mistake, with hilarious results.

Tatchell tricked into a protest with the Queen.

• The Queen was the first Russian into space.
• The Queen was the first dog into space.
• The Queen was the first, second and third man on the moon.
• The Queen is the only member of the royal family not to have gone to the moon.
• When the Queen hears the national anthem, her vulva quivers so much that her knickers catch fire.
• Before Elizebeth was born, The Queen Mum gave birth to a hole punch and a pocket calculator, they were twins but royal protocol states that women jump the succession line if born after stationary.

If not for Elizabeths birth, this could have been our monarch. 

• The original melody for 'God Save Our Queen' was the theme music from the 'Benny Hill Show'
• If Bono, lead singer of Irish supergroup U2 ever dies then Royal Protocol dictates that the Queen would take over as the bands enigmatic front person.

Uno, Dos, Tres, Catores!!

I hope you have found enlightenment in our unending search for the AMAZING TRUTHS. We have let nothing stop us from delivering them to you, even reality has been overcome in our quest to deliver the AMAZING TRUTHS. With Special thanks to the Royal Estate, BBC archives, Bono, and especially, Renothy Deekington, Mambo's evil twin, who has kindly fallen asleep long enough for us to escape his layer hidden under a volcano in the pacific to deliver the jubilee special AMAZING TRUTHS!!