Put a little glove in your Fart.

One of the more spectacular views on the London skyline or of the Shard; it towers over London as a new boy in town dogging down canary wharf and telling anyone asking it to move out of the way so that people can see Saint Paul's Cathederal to 'Go fuck yourself'. The Shard has been a forboding presence over London since its construction over the past 3 years. It is a place which has opened just in time for Valentines Day so that people could get a romantic view of one of the most amazing cities on earth. The only thing that would have made the view of the shard more romantic was if the owners of the building called the building the 'Shart' instead. Because what could be more romantic than doing a fart and accidentally following through with a watery and occasionally a slightly nuggetty anal leak. not with blood in it, that would be disgusting, it is just shit.




With Valentines day a week ago, well too late for me to be talking about; millions of people world wide are going to be have been receiving heart shaped boxes, heart shaped cards and other various heart shaped things. Hearts tend to be simplified versions of what they really are because they look fucking discusting, all coated in fat and covered in blood and various pieces of conjuole. What happened to make the heart the symbol of love? Do you want to know? well I am going to put a picture of a real heart below and then I am going to google the question and come back to you with the answer.



Well, according to Wiki Answers it has something to do with Aristotle, who as an intelligent Greek Philosopher, scholar, maths man and guesser of how things worked: made the assumption that the heart was where love comes from, well he was wrong, and as such, everyone who has ever thought of the heart in association with romance is also wrong, and an idiot.

The heart is, however, the hardest working muscle in the human body, or in fact the body of any animal with a heart, so I don't want the heart abolished or anything, because it really goes out of its way to keep us alive for as long as possible, I would just be happier if people gave credit to the human brain to creating the chemical conditions necassary to feel love.



Hearts as we know them, the simplified ones, have existed since around the 15th century when they became one of the suits in a deck of cards, and proved such a popular shape, that it is instantly recognisable in most cultures as the symbol for love. It is here that I stop talking about it because I realize that I have run out of ideas, but what I will do for you instead is give you a valentines day mixtape, which you can make yourself via spotify or illegally downloading, but instead of using the proper names, I will replace the word Love with Glove and Heart, with Fart. Because they rhyme.

1.Don't go breaking my Fart- Elton John & Kiki Dee
2.Quit Playing Games with my Fart- Backstreet Boys
3.ScatterFart- Bjork
4.Fart Shaped Box- Nirvana
5.Achy Breaky Fart- Billy Ray Cyrus
6.Groove is in the Fart- Dee Lite.
7.You'll be in my Fart- Usher
8. Bad Liver and a Broken Fart- Tom Waits
9.Total Eclipse of the Fart- Bonnie Tyler
10. Listen to your Fart- Roxette.

Everything here, the fact that a blog about Valentines day has arrived a week late, that I have replaced the word heart, with fart in almost a dozen love song, that I think of hearts as fatty organs, pumping blood round the body to stop people from dying; all these things highlight the fact that I am an emotionally retarded and referring to Aristotle isn't going to save me.

As well as this, the fact that I have managed to cut and paste together three different unfinished blogs either makes me a total cunt or the Paul McCartney of blogging, or perhaps both, because neither are mutually exclusive. But at the same time, I can't just leave half finished ideas to rot in my drafts page, and there is something better coming... I promise.

What looks coolest falling down a flight of stairs?

Another month brings another near miss from an asteroid, except this time it missed by less than 25000km. which is just over half the circumference of the Earth. This is the distance between the UK and Mongolia. It was the size of half a football pitch and is probably made from iron and other rock, instead of ice, which is more common. According to Yeomans, asteroids of this stature comes within striking distance of our planet every 40 years, but strikes only occur every 1200 odd years.

This can mean only one thing: This close shave from an asteroid is a warning from God about the legalisation of same sex marraiges. It is unlikely that God would have been as worried about the legislation that has been passed in certain US states concerning gay marraige because he doesn't really pay too much attention to America anymore, particularly Connecticut, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, Vermont, and Washington as well as the District of Columbia.

It is exactly the sort of thing that God would do though. People often think of God as some kind of creator or omnipotent being, when in fact, he is more like Samuel L Jackson's character in the film Pulp Fiction.



He will strike down with great vengeance etc...

In Genesis, for example: Lot was identified as the only man in Sodom and its neighbouring town Gomorrah (a place, probably in the middle east somewhere) worth saving, after God decided to end the entire area under a heavy bombardment of fire and brimstone. The city itself was named after the homosexual act of Sodomy, so it is probable that God doesn't like homosexuality and doesnt find it homosexy at all. further to this God actually finds the act of oral sex sinful and that is the sort of thing that they used to get up to in those days and in those kind of places.

So, going back to Lot, having being identified as being the only rightious man in either Sodom or Gamorrah, he was told to leave by God in some form of vision or other and along with his wife told not to look back. When his wife broke the cardinal rule and looked back at her beloved home that she worked very hard to make nice with furniture purchased from the Ikea just off the Gommorah junction, God turned her instantly into a pillar of salt. Luckily, Lot had packed some of his belongings, and among them was a salt shaker which had been purchased from the same Ikea. Lot never had to buy salt again.



The only logical alternative to the meteor coming from God is that the meteor itself is actually formed from homosexual love.

On yesterdays 'The Big Question' (a program on BBC2 on Sunday where a panel of people are asked excruciatingly long and pointless questions by an audience) during a discussion on gay marraige, a young man told a lesbian that her love came from satan.

The above being the average response from the twitter community...

And this being one of the less average ones.

Hail Satan!

This leaves us with two possibilities, that homosexual love comes from Satan, who is simply a potato with bits of plastic added to him to give him more humanoid characteristics... OR that the man on The Big Question was misheard when he said Satan, perhaps he said 'Saturn' I will quickly examine both options starting with the Satan one...

If Satan created homosexual love, and he is literally just a Mr Potato Head (it said it on twitter, must be true) Then his equivalent binary opposite, God, is probably going to be something as simple as one of those toy slinky springs that fall down the stairs and probably incapable of mustering an asteroid made of iron to warn man not to allow same sex marraige to become law in England...



Praise the Lord.

If on the other hand, homosexual love does come from the planet Saturn, then it is probably just a naturally occuring force, beyond our control and trying to stop its progress would be as futile as trying to stop a sea tide, we might be able to slow down its progress, but ultimately it will erode the shores as all land eventually falls into the ocean to pop up somewhere else millions of years later. It all becomes relative to whether you are a person open to religion or not.

Out of these two options (and having weighed up the balance of all probability, I have ruled out every other method of explanation successfully and logically) I believe that Satan probably is a Mr Potato Head and that God is simply a spring that gets placed on a top step and is clever enough to climb down stairs whilst looking cool. I mean you could throw anything down a flight of strairs, a slice of toast, a bowling ball, a roller skate, a gay man on rollerskates or even a homophobic man on a skateboard. But none of them look as impressive as a slinky when they fall down the stairs. And after all, isn't that what the whole same sex marraige debate boils down to?