Put a little glove in your Fart.

One of the more spectacular views on the London skyline or of the Shard; it towers over London as a new boy in town dogging down canary wharf and telling anyone asking it to move out of the way so that people can see Saint Paul's Cathederal to 'Go fuck yourself'. The Shard has been a forboding presence over London since its construction over the past 3 years. It is a place which has opened just in time for Valentines Day so that people could get a romantic view of one of the most amazing cities on earth. The only thing that would have made the view of the shard more romantic was if the owners of the building called the building the 'Shart' instead. Because what could be more romantic than doing a fart and accidentally following through with a watery and occasionally a slightly nuggetty anal leak. not with blood in it, that would be disgusting, it is just shit.




With Valentines day a week ago, well too late for me to be talking about; millions of people world wide are going to be have been receiving heart shaped boxes, heart shaped cards and other various heart shaped things. Hearts tend to be simplified versions of what they really are because they look fucking discusting, all coated in fat and covered in blood and various pieces of conjuole. What happened to make the heart the symbol of love? Do you want to know? well I am going to put a picture of a real heart below and then I am going to google the question and come back to you with the answer.



Well, according to Wiki Answers it has something to do with Aristotle, who as an intelligent Greek Philosopher, scholar, maths man and guesser of how things worked: made the assumption that the heart was where love comes from, well he was wrong, and as such, everyone who has ever thought of the heart in association with romance is also wrong, and an idiot.

The heart is, however, the hardest working muscle in the human body, or in fact the body of any animal with a heart, so I don't want the heart abolished or anything, because it really goes out of its way to keep us alive for as long as possible, I would just be happier if people gave credit to the human brain to creating the chemical conditions necassary to feel love.



Hearts as we know them, the simplified ones, have existed since around the 15th century when they became one of the suits in a deck of cards, and proved such a popular shape, that it is instantly recognisable in most cultures as the symbol for love. It is here that I stop talking about it because I realize that I have run out of ideas, but what I will do for you instead is give you a valentines day mixtape, which you can make yourself via spotify or illegally downloading, but instead of using the proper names, I will replace the word Love with Glove and Heart, with Fart. Because they rhyme.

1.Don't go breaking my Fart- Elton John & Kiki Dee
2.Quit Playing Games with my Fart- Backstreet Boys
3.ScatterFart- Bjork
4.Fart Shaped Box- Nirvana
5.Achy Breaky Fart- Billy Ray Cyrus
6.Groove is in the Fart- Dee Lite.
7.You'll be in my Fart- Usher
8. Bad Liver and a Broken Fart- Tom Waits
9.Total Eclipse of the Fart- Bonnie Tyler
10. Listen to your Fart- Roxette.

Everything here, the fact that a blog about Valentines day has arrived a week late, that I have replaced the word heart, with fart in almost a dozen love song, that I think of hearts as fatty organs, pumping blood round the body to stop people from dying; all these things highlight the fact that I am an emotionally retarded and referring to Aristotle isn't going to save me.

As well as this, the fact that I have managed to cut and paste together three different unfinished blogs either makes me a total cunt or the Paul McCartney of blogging, or perhaps both, because neither are mutually exclusive. But at the same time, I can't just leave half finished ideas to rot in my drafts page, and there is something better coming... I promise.