Right Royal Palava.

Every day on my way to work, I travel past a piece of grafitti angrily stating that someone should 'Sack Cameron!' They've even put a little exclamation mark at the end of the statement, as if the fact that it was written on a wall in bold lettering wouldn't be enough to draw your attention to it. Who it is that should sack Cameron isn't made clear in the writing, but I would assume its directed at someone on the train.

There is something quintessentially British about this kind of Grafitti. Not in the sense that you could imagine the author of said piece queuing up patiently behind a group of grafitti artists, drinking tea out of a bowler hat wearing the union jack dress that Geri Halliwell wore at the brits all those years ago.



No, not like that at all.

The artist in question risked life and limb climbing onto a roof so that his message could clearly be displayed, and even after the adrenaline rush that no doubt accompanies an act as illegal and dangerous as this, the said artist still maintained the reserved approach necessary to put across his message. "Make James Cameron unemployed!" Afterall, Avatar, inspite of its stunning visual effects was fucking dire.



Thats the problem with a piece of grafitti like this, is that it is ambiguous, although being from london and knowing who the prime minister is, most londoners probably know that this grafitti isn't about director James Cameron, but Prime Minister with the same surname, David.

Going back to the sentiment behind the scrawl, it is completely restrained. By looking at some less restrained protests than this we can see why this protest will be relegated to the lower divisions of protest.



Burning effigy of George w Bush.



Burning Jade Goody effigy



A Monk burning an effigy of himself.



The Italians sacking then leader Benito Mussolini.

Foreign protest and direct action is subject to much more effort than it is in Britain, and that is because we put our efforts into other things.



Like Making Mugs (of ourselves)



Or staring at Jelly Beans for so long that they start to resemble future queens of England.

Thats right, we are too busy preparing for the royal wedding, how quintessentially British!

I'm not sure that the people who might read this, would really want to read about the union in wedlock of the most perfect couple in Britain, the eyes of the world will no doubt be watching with baited breath as St Pauls Cathederal (or Westminster Abbey, I can't remember which.) becomes a moment of union between a figurehead of Britain, marries a commoner. its like a disney film blah blah.



It becomes very difficult to even watch TV when TV listings start to look like this.

5pm: The One Show Royal Wedding Special.

5.30pm: Neighbours: the Royal Wedding Special

6pm: Come Dine With Me: Royal Wedding Special.

7pm: Eastenders: Royal Wedding Special.

8pm: fhggerh arghgh dut diut derr: Royal Wedding Special.

9pm: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEkpft: Royal Wedding Special.

It carries on like white noise attacking your headspace, like the torture scene in the ipcress file brainwashing you until you think of the royal family with nothing but obedience and devotion.

In the mean time all of this talk of Royal Weddings makes me think of a previous royal wedding. No not Princess Diana, there are enough people drawing comparisons between Kate and Di. ( thats what I call them, because I'm close enough with both of them to be informal with them, although not as close as James Gilby was with Di... He called her Squidgy.)




Or as with any of the other people she had extra marital affairs with.

No, the Royal wedding I am thinking of is the one in the last episode of Dynasty, which rather strangely took place during an armed uprising of a fictional central european country. Ending in the execution of every guest in the church.



In spite of that, it wouldn't be innapropriate to call this a bloodless coup, because although riddled with machinegun bullets there is not a spec of blood on any of the dead guests. Which I would suggest is also quintessentially british.



What else would be considered quintessentially british? Well, Points of View, a programme about British peoples opinions on British TV, moaning about the lack of variety, or about too much variety or that the variety on their TV isn't varied enough. Its not the sort of thing you'd get on Chinese state TV.




A smug sarcastic blog subtley complaining about the royal wedding would probably be quite British. The equivalent of demanding the Prime Minister join the dole queue via a spray can with a Dick Van Dyke accent an Umberella on a flying bed. I might as well have made a cushion with Will and Kates face on it for all the good it did me.



Anyway, just in case you need some kind of catharsis, watch the Moldaivan Royal Wedding massacre below.


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What do we really know about Olly Murs

In a world where Alexandra Burke can win a competition in which hundreds of thousands of people have entered to be crowned the most talented, it might be easy to overlook someone like Olly Murs. But Burke is a very straightforward character, in some respects, a carbon copy of former X-factor winners Leona Lewis, and Michelle McManus. Murs on the other hand is all thing to all men. Cheeky chappy you wouldn't mind going to the pub with, a ladies man, a fashion icon, an artiste... a man with many facets. a bit like Roger, the man who released the album, 'The Many Facets of Roger'. Another multifaceted man is robin thicke, because he is as thicke as pigshit. Lots of facets. But these facets pale in significance compared to the pork pie hatted Murs... lots of facets. Upon a closer inspection we can see what these facets actually mean and therefore understand just who Olly Murs actually is... Like Thicke and Roger before him, this image shows that human nature is complex, the human animal will be subject to many emotions, will struggle between rationale and base animal instinct. Philosophers have struggled over the millenia to reconcile this tension but to no avail, this is simply another (if somewhat sophisitcated) attempt. By looking at this section of the cover we can see that Murs is capable of looking at away from the screen, averting his gaze from the viewer, being disengaged, but to the left of him is a Murs more than willing to meet us in eye contact, in spite of the fact that he can look both up and towards us, these two juxtaposing images give no sign that Murs is capable of uncrossing his arms. Here we can see Murs staring into the unknown, contemplating the universal ideas of human existance. Is there a God? what are we doing here? Do I have cheese or beans with my toast? (Poor Olly hasn't even worked out that you can have both but he will get there one day.) This section of the cover is indesputably one of the more Freudian aspects of the image, the id versus the superego. Certain commentators believe that The Murs on the left celebrates as the Murs on the right concedes defeat in a battle to complete a sudoku puzzle but there is strong evidence to suggest that the Murs on the left is farting whilst the Murs on the right is embarrased and covering his mouth to hide his shame, whilst keeping the smell out of his nasal passage. This section of the cover also contains the universal ideas of Levi-Strauss's binary opposites, with the Left Murs being the aggressor and the Murs on the right being submissive. It is also undenyable evidence of Murs' arm unfolding ability an important trait in the modern world. The similarity between the 3rd and 6th image of murs bare a striking symmetry. Taken at slightly different angles they still help us get to the heart of what Murs wants us to see him as. Pondering, worrying, a possible element of self doubt, how come there is dust? However, body language experts are unconvinced by the sincerity of this pose. The hand covering the mouth could be a sign that he has something to hide. Is Murs lying to us? What is it he is scared to tell us? The final image is telling, it reveals Murs to be not just a cheeky chap from Essex but a ten legged satanic beast sent from the depths of the unknown to torment us for the rest of eternity. Sure, he comes across as personable, but it becomes clear what all those facets are actually there for, to hide his true intention to be a puppet to the Cowell fame factory acting on every whim and will of the darker forces of nature. If it means releasing a shit cod reggae track, so be it. If it means sneaking into the bedroom of every child in Britain and eating our firstborn, I'm sure he'd do that too. Some people would go to great lengths to be famous. So when the X-factor does start at the end of August, think hard about who to vote for, because by voting for these people, you are giving them the chance to enter your homes, and you don't want a ten legged agent of darkness entering your home do you? This, of course, raises further questions, how did he hide this deformity throughout the X-factor audition process? Why didn't ITV stop this if they knew? How can Cowell justify exposing this to the public? Like Cronus, Murs could easily be capable of eating his own children. And yours. Then again, there is every chance that I have just been staring far too hard at this album cover for far too long and read more into it than there actually is. There is a remote possibility that it was all simply a lazy person at the record company who photoshopped a load of pictures of Murs together and went, "Tadaaaaah! this is the album cover because I can't be fucked to think up anything better!" and all the record execs said, "Yeah thats great, the general record buying public are cunts anyway, they would buy any old shit." Unfortunately as evidence is so scant of this period of time, we may never know the truth, but we can always have fun speculating on it.

Manmachine201 goes generic

Having been accused of being a bit repetitive I am going to delve into the world of the blog in an attempt to identify what is samey about a blog in an attempt to eliminate all sameyness. This is a very common template... Hello blah blog blog blah blog blah blah... blah blah words words and Justin Bieber.

Some Words!

So this is what the layman might call the introduction an insight into what the piece is going to be about accompanied by a picture of the subject of the article in question... next up comes some form of development of the idea. More words blah blah blah blog blog blog, about a paragraph in all which develops the idea further, followed by an amusing little epiphet about he might look if he was a fat lad.

another picture further developing the idea with several exclamation marks at the end!!!

From here I would normally veer off topic with an idea comparing Bieber with something to do with muslims. Garble garble nonsense, blog blah blah, blah blah would be good if he was a suicide bomber so he might die.

From here i stay on the topic I used as a tangent, thus subtly using the initial subject to ease in the reader.

Blahdyblah blah, revolution in the middle east, earthquakes in Japan, crude joke cruelly mocking victims of upheaval before inserting another picture.

Cutesy image to take the edge off the unthinkable thing I said in the previous paragraph.

From here I generally struggle to make the connection between subject A and subject B whilst attempting to maintain some information, or at the very least a sideways look at both subjects, and interlinking them with various degrees of success, saying something like "Justin Bieber is what all muslims would look like if we were on___________.

At this point I invite the reader to fill in the gap in an attempt to draw them in to my way of thinking... I will of course try to steer the implied reader with some more pictures so I maintain authorship.

LSD for example. I finish up with a paragraph or two about how I might be wrong, explaining why I am probably wrong but explaining in such a way which proves my original point, whatever that point might be, thus leaving the reader slightly disorientated as to what my actual opinion is. The point itself has very little to do with what I actually think, it is the method which is the most important aspect of the piece. By revealing this method of working it makes it very difficult to work in this way in future, therefore, I will have to either change method or risk some kind of backlash from the implied reader, being rendered formulaic and therefore irrelevant.

A picture of Liam Gallagher.

Then again, as long as I keep them coming I'm sure the implied reader wouldn't mind as long as they have 5 minutes to kill and chance across a link. So Justin Bieber= Muslims. Just in case you were not sure what the point of all this is. I would say that this is an even more important equasion than Einsteins theory of relativity.

A loosely connected picture to do with the thing about relativity that I said before the picture, and the fact that he has similar hair to Justin Bieber, which brings my point to a close.

We've all got baggage.

I don't normally come to this place to talk about what actually happened during my day, in general blogs that do are normally done by people who do things much more important than myself. or cunts.

..so you'll have to bare with me.

It all started at 6:10pm when I got on the 6:10pm train from Hades to the Metropolis, a train full of very important business people who had finished their important days work.

There were no seats in the carraige so I climbed up into the overhead baggage compartment much to the annoyance of the man whose jacket and bag I was sitting on. He tutted in annoyance much in the way I would have done if someone sat on my posessions, but hey! it was 6.10pm and needs must, even for someone less important than the man with the baggage. "If you don't want people sitting on your bags, I suggest you sit on them yourself." I said, and it was a response that I was proud of.



Which is a deadly sin.

After being sat down a few minutes after the important man angrily moved his posessions, I realized I was not in the overhead baggage area at all, but actually on a seat, I was right all along, something I should have started this with really but then it wouldn't have made as much sense to you, no doubt, and if I were more important I might have spotted it earlier, but because I'm as insignificant as I am I wasn't going to beat myself up about it. As much as I wanted to I didn't beat up the man I offended either, my arms are scrawney and there are more elequent ways of doing so.

So I did a shit on his bag.

After a few hours in a cell for being arrested for defacating in a public place I've had ample time to think about the situation. Karl Marx the well known sociologist is legendary in the field of Marxism, mainly because he created it. His body of work is immense, best known for 'Das Kapital' a study in class and its role in society. His lesser known works on 'Bagsism' are no less enlightening.



After reading Marx's study in peoples bags on trains and where they should be placed in terms of the importance of their owner I realized that I was wrong to sit anywhere near his bag and jacket, and that even though I had paid for a ticket on the train, and his bags hadn't, I was no less in the wrong.



"This is first class mate, fuck off to the cattle carraige."

It takes a big man to admit he is not as important as another man, and an even bigger man to admit that he is not as important as a mans bag, yet here I am admiting I was wrong. I was not the bigger man at the time, but I am the biggest man now, and of course there is always the works into society conducted by Levi -Strauss, in his seminal 'People who are on trains who put their bags on seats so that other people can't sit down are cunts.'



Ultimately, you may be a prince or a pauper, but if you choose to travel pleb class, you're just another arse on a seat, and if you find your bag taking up a seat when people are standing in a carraige on a train, you should ask yourself "Am I a total and utter fucking prick?" Invariably, the answer will be yes.

Even so, you can always act like a prick to your fellow man, because after all, some bags are more equal than others.

Goats.

A welcome distraction from Libya

Having being abroad with limited internet and TV access, I missed a chance to hit the blogosphere with a massive "What does Gadaffi have in common with Charlie Sheen" blog. Being too far from a computer I missed the chance and now there are probably millions of substandard blogs of the same material. I'll just mention a couple though, just for shits and giggles; they are both winners, for example, their people love them, they have both hit 7 gram rocks and finished them in a night, because thats the way they roll. They only have one gear... Go!



Actor Charlie Sheen on a balcony waving a sword.



And Gadaffi, with a melted face and a psychadelic background to boot.

Actually, the last statement is not true because Gadaffi is anti-drugs. He believes his enemies have been poisoned by mind altering drugs, stating, in the typical manner of a world leader:

"They give them pills at night, they put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafe,"



...And it wasn't even caffinated.

Now I never noticed product placement in Two and a Half Men, mainly because I never watched it, but I'm a little upset that an anti-western leader has sunk to the level of advertising brands in speeches.

For a blog which isn't about Sheen or Gadaffi I have talked about them alot, this is because I was in a country where the only English speaking channel was BBC world or CNN, both news channels... and for a whole week I was subjected to conflicting reports where the rebels claimed to be winning followed by reports that gadaffi forces claimed they were winning. It became disorientating, claustraphobic and towards the end, painful. The same with the tiny showbiz sections which were dominated by Charlie Sheen's sacking from 2 and a half men.



So as you can imagine, the largest earthquake in Japanese history came as light relief after a week of impending civil war. It's always lovely to get a new news story, when an old one has been dominating the press for too long. the editors of western news media were obvious in their decision, 'Libya, its been fun, we've liked you're will they?/won't they set up a no fly zone? It reminds our viewers of Ross and Rachel from friends, but something better has happened elsewhere in the world'.



"I went with the Japan story because we were on a break!"

So for that reason, I'm not entirely convinced that it was a bad thing, yes there are an estimated 10,000 deaths, but lets be honest, they're only the japenese aren't they, its not like they are anywhere near us.

Now this is the typical attitude of your average Sun reader, feigning sympathy before quickly turning the page to ogle the tits on page 3, but it is not my attitude, I love the Japanese... I have news for them, the Sun readers, not the Japanese, they have enough news at the moment.

The massive Japanese earthquake and big waves thing has caused damage to Nuclear powerplants in the aptly titled 'Fukushima', Being that it could be potentially 20 times more damaging to the planet than Hiroshima, I can see why the Japanese have settled on calling the city 'Fukushima'. there is an even bigger powerstation just up the road which is even closer to a faultline called Muthafukushima!!!!!! and it wasn't me that added the exclamation marks, it was all the Japanese fault (line)



I think its got something to do with the fact that the Japanese are all suisidal or something because they used to fly kamikaze planes into American boats in suicide missions. These powerplants are in essence a gigantic figurative nuclear kamikaze mission, a complex one which involved losing the war, becoming a major economic superpower in spite of this before lulling the west into a false sense of security, all the time planning to build powerstations over zones of the earth under threat from massive earthquakes.



The Japanese Nuclear kamikaze plot was clever, but this bizarre post 9/11 attack was actually rubbish.


The earthquake has added weight to the fight against nuclear power becoming the main source of energy in the 21st century, but is there any actual evidence to definitively prove that radiation is bad for mankind? Apparently it can cause cancer, deformities and destruction so one argument is that we should ban radiation and nuclear stuff? The CND leader Carol Naughton believes this is the right course of action to take.



Naughton.




And this is Anna Kournikova who for all I know was born inside the nuclear reactor at Chernobyl, but definately in the Ukraine in 1986.

The Evidence is clear, Carol naughton is jealous of radiation because it didn't make her as sexy as Anna, although admitedly, Naughton is probably a better tennis player.



Although there is some concrete evidence that radiation can have adverse effects, here is a distressing photo of a man horrifically deformed by radiation poisoning...

































So there, both sides of the argument nicely covered, I have left the humanitarian side of this crisis out on purpous, and haven't intended to cause any distress to the victims of this disaster, this piece is simply to lighten the mood in what is a very distressing time, and above all to get a cheap laugh at the expense of others, which is what life is all about.



This way to nuclear bunker.

They may take our time, but they'll never take our freedom.

When Cher said, "If I could turn back time, if I could find a way, I'd take back the words that hurt you, and you'd stay." She was sat on top of a gun which doesn't really have very much to do with the concept of time, although she was very imposing.



Unfortunately she couldn't turn back time and the pain she caused the man she was singing about, Sonny Bono caused him to ski at full speed into a tree and die.



It's always good to see time in the news and today is no exception. There are plans in the works to bring time forward by an hour making the days lighter and the mornings darker. I'm not quite sure about the reason for this but apparently it is going to be a good thing.





However, the Scottish don't think that its a good idea because they feel that if the mornings are darker, they will have more car accidents. Could this point be valid? When Princess Diana died, she was in Paris where the clocks are one hour ahead, so it appears that the Scottish might have a point.



William Wallace, one of the disenting voices in the clocks going forward one hour debate.

Although I have just said that the Scottish are against the idea, the BBC website states: "...There have been fears expressed in Scotland that putting the clocks forward would increase road accidents in the darker mornings."

So there is no real evidence that the Scottish are against the idea, just that fears had been expressed in Scotland. It is quite concievable that a foreign visitor to scotland could have been the source of this fear.



Like perhaps a Russian.



Or a... erm... Sorry, I don't know what that is.

However, it is thought that ultimately the clocks going forward one hour can only be a good thing even if it does cause more accidents, time is a great healer.


But is time being messed around with already without us knowing? Just the other night I got into bed at 10.30pm. My head had only just hit the pillow when the alarm went off and it was the next day. Where did that time go?

Another example is Valentines Day. The day of Saint Valentine has come under scrutiny in recent years facing accusations of becoming commercialized and a focal point of a sanitized romance industry. Saint Valentine has done little to rubbish these claims. Partly because he is dead, and partly because he is one of 14 possible historical martyred people in the era of Neronian Rome, this is a possible reason why it is celebrated on feb 14th, well, it explains the 14th but not the feb bit, in fact it is probably just in february to kill off some pagan holiday from pre-christian times. Which in itself isn't a very Christian thing to do.



I am digressing, and am on the brink of blowing your mind. This year Valentines day was on a monday, but having remembered having a day off on valentines day last year I checked an old calender and saw that last year Valentines Day was on a sunday. The same with Christmas Day and new years day, every year the government is moving important days forward by one day. Why have the Scottish not raised objections to this? It is far more sinister. What next? Bank Holiday Monday on a Tuesday? Good Friday on a Thursday? The government are taking money from us left right and centre with heavy Taxation which they are blaming on the credit crunch, so why are they stealing our time too? If this year Christmas is on a Wednesday and next year it will be on a thursday and the year after it will be on a friday, and after that a saturday and then a sunday, What then? There are no days after sunday.

So it turns out that the Lib-Con coalition are taking our time as well as our money, probably because someone told that George Osbourne man that time is money and he believed it.



So basically, we just move all the days forward until all the public holidays fall off?

On the other hand, if we don't celebrate Valentines day then I guess it will save us money as we don't have to buy overpriced flowers and other red and pink things that would otherwise be considered tat on the other 364 days of the year.