Hanging around public toilets for a long time made other men think one of two things, that either I was a drug addict, or that I was trying to initiate some kind of same sex act of abuse with them, neither were the case. (well, maybe they were both the case a little bit...) Truth was, all I wanted to be was a man, a real man. I started reading further and further into these newspapers for clues, I mean the answer has to be in the Sun Newspaper somewhere doesn't it? otherwise why would so many men read it?
I eventually read about the man Berlusconi. Leader of the Italian people as Julius and Augustus Caesar once were, a man seemingly irresistable to women, a man wielding power and wealth and a full head of hair even though he was quite old. A man who was smashed in the face with a statue and managed to laugh after it. I had found the template to which I would build my own image as a man, and I found it thanks to Rupert Murdoch.
I read further on until I knew more about him. I found out that he didn't think that the German leader's behind was worth penetrating, which is a very alpha male thing to say. I found out about him paying young women to go to parties for his and his friends amusement, better known as 'bunga bunga'. I felt the need to throw my own bunga bunga party, it was amazing except I no one wanted to come, so I pretended people did.
Well I had fun anyway.
I gave these dolls cocaine, chich they didn't take because they were dolls. I asked them took their clothes off as they stared back at me with their dead marble eyes, it all got a bit weird if I'm being honest, so I just called it a night and went to bed crying... I still had a long way to go before I could call myself a man.
I found out lots of other things about Berlusconi, I found out that his favourite footballer of all time was Roberto Baggio, that he had absolutely NO mafia connections whatsoever, I found out that he often suffers from toothache.
and migranes
And that his great grandmother on his fathers side was actually a crab.
Well now he has gone, or at least is going to be gone soon, and having got to this point I have realized that I don't have all that many interesting things to say about him, just that he now he has gone or will be going soon. My hero is gone, and with him, the role model which I had looked up to since what felt like forever, but in actual fact was about the time that I started writing this blog about an hour ago, and even that was just for comic effect.
That aside, I need a new world leader role model to fill a gaping void left by the
Here are some men and Woman that might take his title.
Armedjadjidjad Armadjidjidjidjijad.
I think thats how its spelt. I mean look at the man, he is a real man. Built like a brick shit house and able to sqeeze off rounds of an artillery gun one handed with a wry smile, and the best thing about this is that it is not photoshopped. Yes he is leader of a terrorist state, and yes he looks like a blind man with eyes that work, which is possibly the most parodoxical feature a world leader can have, but I still like him.
Odds of becoming my new hero... 5/1
Evo Morales.
Possibly the most sharply dressed world leader in the shortlist, socialist with a very masculine jawline. keeps company with Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro, who are also real men and world leaders. Reformist policies and the fact that he is dressed like a Pizza push him ahead of the Iranian President.
Odds of becoming my new hero... 3/1
Angela Merkal.
Only adding her because I like her surname, because it sounds like the name given to a pubic wig. Although she is probably the most politically astute politician europe has to offer at the moment, she is a woman and I am unashamedly sexist.
Odds of becoming my new hero 250/1
There is one man who can take fill the void that Berlusconi will leave if he resigns on monday, a world leader who is strong.
A man who eats what he kills.
A man who tames wild beasts.
Even if my need to hero worship world leaders comes across as a bit, erm... well...
But all this goes to prove how important the cult of personality is amongst the politician, I couldn't truthfully tell you any of these peoples political views, apart from the Bolivian guy who I said was a socialist... or Merkal who is a democrat and possibly the best leader in on the world stage at the moment... and Putin who is staunchly authoritarian, but it is much better to look at pictures of these people and judge them plainly throught their non political activities.
One of my favourite things about Putin is the fact that people seem to be very uncomfortable in his presence, as this blog testifies.
http://uncomfortablemomentswithputin.tumblr.com/
Odds of becoming my next political hero... even.
The problem is, by choosing someone as ruthless, authoritarian and downright hard as Putin, I will never be able to live up to him, and thus will always be a dissapointment to myself and everyone around me, particularly if I start dressing like him, wrestling bears and going fishing topless. I don't have the muscular structure he does, I'm shit at bear wrestling. I'm starting to think that choosing political figures as objects of hero worship might be the wrong tact to take for my self asteem.
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