Nice weather.

One of the cornerstones of British conversation is the discussion about the weather, Australians don't tend to have this conversation because it is usually always hot, Russians tend not to have this conversation because they are either being racist against black footballers, or breaking into churches to protest against Vladimir Putin.



Ironically, Carlos's freaky free kick against France in 1997 was described as a banana shot. but you shouldn't be ironic in the face of racism.

Anyways, racism is a topic that is off topic for British people who are essentially strangers. The weather, however, isn't.

So, its a bit nippy at the moment, and as such strangers up and down the country are all saying this to each other. the next stage of this of this is to start complaining about how British infrastructure can't deal with snow.



Like what this picture is trying to exemplify.

What most people fail to realize is that Canada, which has far more snowfall than britain, has had no choice but to spend hundreds of millions on dealing with its conditions, wheras in Britain it is cheaper to just take an ecconomic hit for a few days.

So we know that Russia and Canada and Scandanavia and lots of other countries are better at dealing with snowfall than Britain, and that their train timetables are largely unaffected by it, but how would transport systems be affected on other planets?

Lets start with Mercury, the nearest planet to the sun. Mercury doesn't have weather, so snow would not affect it, but unfortunately it has no atmosphere so the trains would have to deal with ionizing radiation which Earth is largely protected from due to it's atmosphere. It's surface temperature ranges from 400oC to -179oC, both hot and cold weather have been known to disrupt train journeys. It is also unprotected from meteor showers which means you could be on the train home and your carraige gets pulverized by a piece of falling space debris made of lead, iron, or one of the many other pieces of rock floating around in the universe. The trains would probably run better in the UK.



"What about Venus?" I hear you ask, well: Venus has a constant surface temperature of 500oC, thanks to a 97% carbon dioxide atmosphere. This means that train carraiges would be stuffy and very uncomfortable. Also, as this BBC report from 2007 reports, heat can affect electrics, causing signaling failures, closing doors and other problems. Although the melting point of Aluminium (the main material that the exterior of a train is made from) is 663oC it is the people on the train who would probably burn up in a ball of flames. You are better off staying in the UK and braving the delays.



Man on a commuter train on the planet Venus. I tried to warn him.

Everyone knows about Mars because we have sent probes there, it is not so much the fact that the trains wouldnt run very well but there is literally fuck all on Mars. No libraries, Discoteques, shops or bowling alleys, so to be fair, it isn't even worth setting up a tube network there.

Jupiter is a whole other kettle of fish. not only is the surface temperature not hot, but as a gas planet it would be impossible to lay down railway tracks or build train stations. As you get closer to the centre the gravitational pull is strong enough to create a pressure that turns Hydrogen from a gas to a metallic liquid, so Aluminium trains would ultimately be crushed into basic matter, it would also crush any humans on the train. this would probably cause delays to your journey. If you thought that you could build a better train network on Saturn instead, then you are mistaken, it is also a gas planet, comprised mainly of hydrogen and helium.



This service is subject to severe delays due to its surface being mainly made up of Hydrogen and Helium.

I won't talk about the problems that train journeys would face on the planet Uranus, because it would be impossible to talk about the planet Uranus without at some point doing a crude joke about YOUR ANAL cavity, and to be honest, I am far too classy for that, I don't even scratch my balls with my right hand anymore because thats the hand that I use to shake other peoples hands when being introduced to them. See? Classy!



Man scratching balls. not his anus.

Neptune is also a gas planet made up of Methane, Helium and hydrogen, therefore even if you somehow managed to circumnavigate the problem of it being made entirely of gas, the train carraiges would always smell of farts. Furthermore, with winds of up to 1290 miles an hour, this would almost certainly damage the overhead power lines and stop trains from running.



An average day on Neptune's equivalent of Kings Cross station.

So there you go, you may not like how weather affects trains, roads and transport, but if you hate it that much you should move to Jupiter where you will probably get turned inside out by the pressure, alternatively, stop fucking whining. It's just a bit of snow.