The chirpy face of casual homophobia.

Few people can fail to be moved by the story of the Crouch family. I'm not talking about Stoke and England centre forward robodancing lanky love rat, Peter; but the teen who committed suicide Dominic, followed by his heartbroken father. Dominic was not gay but during a game of spin the bottle for a dare he kissed another boy. Several months of bullying occured afterwhich Dominic threw himself off the building. It is obvious that the people who threw insults at him never intended to kill him, there are far easier ways to do so, like throw him off a building for example.



The route of the bullying was homophobia, the people bullying were homophobic and Dominic Crouch was homophobic because he was ashamed that people thought he was gay. So in a sense it is a good thing that Dominic Crouch died because he was a horrible homophobe.

In the last hundred years: racism, sexism, and even burning atheists at the stake have become unacceptable in modern society, yet homophobia remains beneath the surface, the sort of thing that although boardy; seems to be an acceptable past time along with cooking, football and taking the piss out of fat people and spastics. The question is why?



Are gay people getting it wrong and its just a bit of banter and they are simply being far too touchy,
or are all hetrosexuals rotton bastards? The only way to find out is to examine the mindset of a homosexual followed by the mindset of a hetrosexual, then we might be a little bit closer to finding out.

According to www.christianadc.org this is the beginning of the homosexual manifesto, which is a pretty good insight into the mind of a homosexual, if there are a set of rules that homosexuals live by...

"We shall sodomize your sons, emblems of your More..feeble masculinity, of your shallow dreams and vulgar lies. We shall seduce them in your schools, in your dormitories, in your gymnasiums, in your locker rooms, in your sports arenas, in your seminaries, in your youth groups, in our movie theater bathrooms, in your army bunkhouses, in your truck stops, in your all-male clubs, in your houses of Congress, wherever men are with men together. Your sons will become our minions and do our bidding. They will be recast in our image. They will come to crave and adore us."

Bloody hell, they want to convert all straight people into gay people and further to that...

"Scripture and history tells what’s next. Sexual anarchists have already announced what’s next; polygamy, group marriage, incest and intergenerational sex (or statutory rape as we now define it). They won’t rest until, like in Sodom, they can surround your house and demand you offer up your children to be abused. See the Homosexual Manifesto below."   

Well there you go, straight out of the mind of a homosexual... Or at the very least what a fundementalist christian website assumes is straight out of the mind of a homosexual.

So with the mind of a homosexual completely and fully explored, lets move onto hetrosexuals and why homosexuality makes them take the mickey or react with complete rage, like the christian quotes above.

There are two types of hetrosexuals.



The first is Pat Sharp, former fun house presenter. If you are a hetrosexual and you fall into the Pat Sharp category, you will find the thought of a penis very funny in deed, I mean, they are funny aren't they? People draw them in their school books for comedy effect, if you put them in a film they generally get a laugh, I'm not talking about the grotty pornographic films but a film like Forgetting Sarah Marshall.



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! penis.

How does this make Pat Sharp homophobic you ask? Well I shall answer. The only thing funnier than a Penis to someone like Pat Sharp is two penis's. The very thought of two penis's to someone like Pat Sharp makes him giggle and say stupid things, manifesting itself in casual banter, the kind of casual banter which led to the death of Dominic Crouch and as a result, his father... but never mind that, lets look at some cock pics.

There's some.

There's another one.

and a man in a cock suit.

The Pat Sharp version of homophobia is arguably worse than the second category, because they reduce people's self asteem with constant badgering and petty playground insults. It is the key cause of suicide among people who are struggling to come to terms with their sexuality.

The other category many hetrosexuals fall into is the Beenie Man category. Beenie Man actually hates gays so much that he (allegedly) killed one of them, and writes lots of songs about the inferiority of the homosexual male.



The Beenie man school of homophobia is a million miles away, there is no sniggering or daft comments, there are death threats, there is rage and words that provokes violence against gay men.

The Beenie Man school of homophobia renders a man too scared to look at or even touch his own penis because of the fear that it will make him gay. And as with the Pat Sharp philosophy the only thing scarier than a penis is two penises.

See? Bloody scary... it even has teeth!

Of course I am not suggesting that either Pat Sharp or Beenie Man are homophobic, although Beenie Man is homophobic, but they are simply two models of people that think that same sex marraige is a bad thing, and with it being such a hot topic, I thought that you should know, if you oppose gay marraige, you are either Pat Sharp or you are Beenie Man, and I am not saying that either of them are cunts... but lets be honest, both of them are.

Why is banking and todays economy so shit?

You could go to a proper ecconomist if you wanted to know the answer to this question but you've come here so you probably don't want to know the answer to this, in fact you are probably just me, reading back over this to check for spelling mistakes, and the fact that I think the impled reader is in fact myself, that kind of takes the pressure off me to write anything of any quality, this in turn will hopefully improve the quality of the work, which is kind of ironic... don't cha think?

The new years resolution to stop associating irony with Alanis Morrisette lasted one month and 19 days.

But we're not here to talk about Alanis, I am going to establish the reason for the spectacular collapse of the economy, even though I am not qualified to do so. I don't even know if the word economy is being spelled right, I think there is a possibility that economy actually has two c's in it; ie *Ecconomy*, I seriously don't know but I won't check as it will highlight how unqualified I am to discuss this.

The best place to start is the banks.



This man gives us some idea of where the money has gone, the banks have full control of most of the money in the world, when we get paid our shitty wages for working our shitty jobs that we hate our employer doesn't actually pay us, but pays our bank, which we have to have to get paid. Somehow this pointless middleman has become essential to our lives and we are excluded from mainstream society without a bank account. The man above is not very likeable but you have to admire his honesty, particularly when we are being bombarded with the idea that banks are our friend.



The shitty letters I get each month are either from a multicultural age spanning glee choir, or the other guy. Brilliant.

The other possibility is the government.







Blair spent so much time confusing us with with bizarre hand gestures that we didn't notice him spending all the nations money and starting shitloads of wars.
The current government seem to believe that it was the fault of the labour party for borrowing too much during their terms in power during the late 90s/early naughties; however, there are some people who remember that the government felt compelled to buy toxic debt of several banks so that peeople wouldn't lose their savings, this culminated in RBS and Northern Rock being bought out by blah blah blah blah BORING!!

Everyone is going on about this and they are so quick to place blame and it is all a little bit overwhelming, a little bit like the plot of the film 'Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy'. And on comparing the modern economy to a John Le Carre novel (huge sense of unease in spite of the fact that you don't know what is going on, thinking that one person is the source of this confusing unease before thinking it is someone else, and lots of men in suits talking about things I don't understand.) It all starts to become clear. The economy is actually not real, like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, it is a man made construct.

Not even real, look at the attention to detail.

Like any work of fiction, if there was no downturn, conflict or hard times or some form of tension, there would be no point in watching it, and like any work of fiction, the writers of the economy know this, and thats why we have a recession... at least that is one of my theories.

So is it fair to compare the fictional economy to Tomas Andersson's spy thriller? Well no. You have to look furthr back to when the economy actually started, when it started it was a good novel idea, like the Tim Burton take on Batman, you take an idea from a comic book or the bartering system and you move on everyone is happy with the economy, gold and slaves and all that shit, but the writers of the economy run out of enthusiasm for the idea and subsequently it crashes, and before you know it, Arnold Schwarzenegger is playing the iceman and Joel Schumaker is directing it and it is fucking awful, or if we are talking about the economy, we are buying out banks and Arnold Schwarzenegger embarks on a political career and Joel Schumaker carries on directing films.



Although even this isn't a fair comparison of the economic downturn, if we were to compare the economy to any movie franchise it would have to be the Friday the 13th series, a film which the original wasn't very good, but that carried on and on and on and is still going today; in fact if you were to watch the latest Friday the 13th film, you would have to say it is the worst film ever. At the same time, many economists are saying that the current financial position is the worst ever. Which only makes my assertion that the Economy is fictional more obvious. So stop worrying about the economy and get out and watch a good film, go eat a pizza, illegally download an album you want to listen to, or even just stream it. worrying about the economy is like worrying about Eastenders. Pointless.

Twenty Twelvty.

As most people are aware the end of the world is occuring this year and as such it is important to have plenty of cash and to have a good figure for when you either enter the afterlife or are eternally reduced to sub atomic particles and are absorbed into the ether. Whatever your religious viewpoint, whether you have one or not, (thats both of the religious viewpoints) Money is what Duncan Bannatyne calls 'a good scorecard' to judge how well people are doing in life.

Duncan Bannatyne, essentially telling you you're a cunt.

I highlight the word judge because if you are religious then it is probably your belief that you will be part of some form of divine judgement, and judging by the amount of money, say, the Catholic church have then money is bastard well important, in fact it looks about as important as redeeming souls, because apart from a massive amount of admittedly impressive iconography; a key feature of the catholic church is an equally impressive amount of bling.



"Yeeeeeeeeah Bwooooooooy!"

So there you go, although the bible says that money won't get you into heaven, it is coincidental that the Catholic church is loaded and that the Catholic church is one of several portals to eternal life. So that is the first point all made and everything and it might seem like a shit one, in light of the coming apocalypse, but bare with me, I promise to string it all together into some semi-coherant shenanigans before the fire and brimstone begins to melt your skin, and not do another sentence with as many comma's as there are in this one.

If Duncan Bannatyne, Jesus and God are judging you on the amount of money you made, it is nice to know that as well as having the pressures of money leading towards the end of the world, that Heat magazine and the E channel hasn't taken its foot off the gas in applying pressure to society about being a fat fuck.

Heat magazine, tirelessly telling us which celebrities are toop fat this week, followed by next weeks issue which discusses how the celebs featured last week have now either developped bulimia, anorexia or simply committed suicide due to the intense media scrutiny.

And Kerry katona.

Of course, I am only laying down problems in the world, and I am about to bring another problem to the metaphorical table in the hypothetical dining room of ponder, which I know leaves us with three things we have to solve before the end of the world, but who knows; the next problem might actually bring us a solution to the previous two problems I brought up.

An example of a junk mail folder conspicuous by the lack of penis enlargement adverts and filthy language.

By the time the world ends on May 31st There will be no way for mankind to filter out the junkmail from our e-mails and this will pose a massive problem for if anyone does want to e-mail each other after the apocalype. This is probably the least of our worries as most people use social networking sites these days, the inventor of computing, Bill Gates will probably die during the apocalypse, along with Mark Zuccerberg, Tom from Myspace and the people who invented Freindster, Bebo, Friends Reunited and all the other social networking sites that ever existed, and this means that there will be no one to solve the junkmail problem.

The inventor of junkmail is currently protected by a superinjunction preventing me from revealing his identity

However, after leaving my facebook alone for a week to prepare for the end of the world, I have recieved two pieces of junkmail which will solve the first two problems which I mentioned.

Oya Özdemir

You might be a little doubtful about the effects of this diet, but you need to try it for yourself; the results are real. After conducting my own personal study and seeing the effects, I am pleased to see that other people really are finding success with it too . wdtxtox

· · · October 26, 2010 at 7:45am

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Meng Eng

Did you see the flash news about work-at-home-mom ? She makes $89/hour working part time. Monthly 8795 $ income from home... I just signed up and already earned 72 $ this hour. It is really amazing...
If you are looking for a work-at-home job, i suggest you to take a look at this press now... dddidneuyx

· · · September 21, 2010 at 2:29am 

This isn't going to change anything of course, in May of 2012 the world is going to end because the Mayan's, a dead civilization who all contracted smallpox after sacrificing each other to an imaginary set of gods, said so. But at least when it does, we will have been on a diet which will yield considerable results, and we will have nearly $40,000 extra dollars in our accounts, which will at least solve the problem of being a little flabby and a little poor, please feel free to thank Oya Özdemir and Meng Eng, for they have made our transition into a probably imaginary afterlife that little bit easier.

Obligatory atom bomb explosion picture to end a blog about the apocalypse.

My dogs relationship with my ability to write blogs.

My dog has recently been demanding a lot of attention from me, this interupts the normal processes associated with blog writing. I used to have thoughts that I felt should be shared with the world, but since getting a puppy called Mylo a Chihuahua/Pug mix, my blog output has been reduced dramatically.

There is suprisingly little resentment from my part in my dogs stiffling of my creativity, mainly because the parts of my brain that deal with resentment are the same parts of my brain that are excited by the prospects of having any kind of relationship with a dog.



My dog has done some strange things in the few months that he has existed. Like growing a gandalf beard.



Yes, it looks strange but for some strange reason my Dog is very inspired by the look of famous figures like Charles Darwin, Santa Claus and Gandalf, from the book and subsequent Lord of the Rings movie franchise.

He has such a standing in the household that he genuinely thinks he is a human, and as such tries his best to behave like one. He has opinions on the composition of said blogs and so it is not unusual for me to be sitting writing a biting satirical piece on the collapse of global capitalism where Mylo might decide to jump on my lap and press the zx5uioubheiwjncfo /keys, just so he feels he has a valuable contribution. (Mylo did actually press those buttons recently, so I copy pasted them into a word file in the event that I might wish to use it in a blog at a later date, except he didn't do it while I was blogging but while I was furiously trying to reach 2000 words after blowing a deadline for an essay on Mungo Park's views on slavery and whether they were in line with enlightenment thought.)



Not only has Mylo had a dramatic effect on the quality of my blogs, but also on the quality on my scholarly output, where my average essay score has dropped from 75% to 65% so I would hazzard a guess that my blogs are at least 10% shitter. I'm not sure if Mylo himself would get 10% in his essays or how Mylo can be numerically valued at 10% whether positive or negative, because I am terrible at maths.

Ultimately these are things that distract me, me being the common denominator. I have identified the problems, but now begins the analysing comparing and contrasting data to try to formulate a plan to improve the concentration, level of detail and general conceptual understanding of stuff. And the only way to do that is to add lots of comedy graphs and pie charts and lock the dog outside.

There is no artistry in art.

There was a time where art and poetry were glorious forms of expression, well not any more. Because I went on this website and I clicked on several boxes and the internet made a painting for me.


Click here to create your own painting.

With no skill, study or anything like that, I am an artist and anyone who has gone to the royal academy of art can go fuck themselves because I am an artist now, and I don't even need the skills that you have to do it.



Dali thought he was the man but he was wrong. I am the man.

Now that I have conquered the world of art next I turn my attention to the written word. There have been some amazing poems written over the years, epic stories from the aural tradition like Homer's Iliad, Hesiod's Theogeny and  that other poets Beowulf starring Ray Winstone.



This is what Ray Winstone would look like if he wasn't a big fat mockney cunt, but a scandanavian mythological prince.

These are just the early poems before language even knew how to define itself, before it became formalised with rules and punctuation        .
From here poetry and literature in general flourished; Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Shelly, Dante and Blake.



A painting by the poet William blake who judging by this evidence also painted, the painting is based on a passage from Dante's The Divine Comedy which is ironic because it is not very funny at all, in fact, the Inbetweeners and Lee Nelson is much more funnyer isn't it?

So for someone like Seamus Heaney, the party is kind of over, with all the poets that have been before, its pretty obvious that all the best combinations of words to create poetry have already occured. In fact poetry has become so formulaic that there are basic computer programmes that can write as good poetry... Don't believe me? Take the Pepsi challenge; which extract is written by Heaney and which one was randomly generated by a computer?

First extract

Where is the small sun?
Desolation, adventure, and desolation.
All breezes command lively, big gulls.
Why does the captain endure?
O, life!
Second extract

The daddy frog was called a bullfrog
And how he croaked and how the mammy frog
Laid hundreds of little eggs and this was
Frogspawn. You could tell the weather by frogs too
For they were yellow in the sun and brown
In rain.

...Okay, so the second extract is marginally better than the first but it is only a matter of time before a computer programme through sheer knowledge of mathematics will trump human emotion with simple data.



You're gong to need a change in career.

One might argue that even if and when computers take over the writing of literature-      like they took over military capability in 1999 when the military handed over all capability to cyberdine systems which in turn caused the machines to rise up against humans in a nuclear holocaust leaving only pockets of human resistance fighting against the terminators-     then at least Seamus Heaney can make a good living as a translator.



I mentioned Beowulf earlier and now I am mentioning it again, thus echoing an earlier motif... which is kind of poetic, and the fact that it is poetic is also in itself poetic because this blog is about the irrelevance of poetry.

BUT! back to Heaney's skillas a translator... that job is obsolete too since this website.

So there you go, any romantic notion about artistry, inspiration and connecting to the soul dispelled by a single blog.

Is News a Drug?

Looking back on the past year, it is actually amazing how much we were entertained by the news, we had about a weeks worth of news every day in some months. We had The Tunisia, Egypt, Algeria, Libya, Iran all kicking off nicely in the first 3 months of the year, each of them with their own subplots and character development.



Hosni Mubarak: A man who has been in power for about 25 years, who has played such a peripheral part in the news up until this year, we'd all be forgiven for thinking he was just the CEO of a Holiday resort.



With all inclusive deals starting at just £349 per person.

So the Arab Spring was hogging the news for the first few months of the year and in particular Gadaffi's mad-off with Charlie Sheen.

if you would like to try to work out which one was madder click here



Then Japan went tits up because of a natural disaster, then the Euro currency went mental and everyone started talking about Greece, then Berlusconi happened. Quality. Then it turned out the newspapers were hacking murder victims phones. Then London got smashed up by loads of middle class kids upset by student loan fees rising; people sort of supported them Then London got killed by a load of its working class kids. They wanted trainers.



CCTV footage from outside JJB's in Croyden.

Osama Bin Laden got killed, Gadaffi ended up getting killed too.

They didn't show Bin Laden's body but they did show Gadaffi's.




I could just list a number of events that occured in the past year but I am more interested in how the news events and the sheer amount of news coming at us. Has it made us addicted to news?

News has been so ingrained in our system this year, with all these events, that when a story lingers for too long on news stations we turn over to another news station to try to get an alternative view. The few occaisions where we haven't had news this year...ie July and August, people have started various riots under the pretext of some non-existent slight, like some black guy getting shot or student fees going up. If people gave a shit about student fees then they'd be at university doing their coursework, or if they cared about some street hoodlum, they'd have loved him enough to convince him to give up his life of crime.



Not loved enough to be convinced to give up a life of crime.

No. the riots happened not because of poverty or lack of education or class anger, there was nothing on the news. News has become the most addictive substance of the year simply because we have been flooded with it, thanks to the internet and TV and newspapers. There have been several deaths due to news overdoses this year, with reports of nightclubs in london showing BBC news 24 and selling pills made up of the final copy of the news of the world.

So news has turned out to be a more dangerous drug than Mephodrone or Ketamine. The reason for this is that the news can contain ecstacy, cocaine, heroin, amphetamine and methylated spirits.

long term users can look like this if they dont get help...



Sadly, the government don't see news as a problem despite the rising number of people hooked on rolling news. Expect this to become a news story in itself later in the year, by which time you and your children could all be hooked on this latest designer drug.

Others Perception of You and How to Control it.

Kim Jong Il and his publicity machine worked in overdrive to manipulate other peoples perceptions of him, with publicists claiming he invented the hamburger, his birth was foretold by a swallow and that he never needed to defecate or urinate. (a claim later removed from the official North Korean website.

I imagine the North Korean press department agonising over whether the urination and defecation 'fact' is too much.

Jung Su Park: What do you think of that one?


Wang Si Ching: Wee bit far fetched don't you think? that a man never has to piss or shit, I mean...


Jung Su Park: Hmmm... I can kind of see where you're coming from, what about these ones: 'He invented the hamburger and he is the best golfer in the world.'


Wang Si Ching: yeah, use them ones instead, they're more impressive than someone who has never ever done a shit in their entire life.



Couple this with a romantic image of the glorious leader and a perception is created.

...and so it goes on.


Unfortunately, with Kim Jong Il, he had no influence at all over the west with all their decadence and failing democracy and all that jazz; for this reason people don't believe facts like "Kim Jong Il invented the semi-colon because before that there wasn't a way to end a sentence while allowing a clause so that the sentence can continue. He did this in 1980 and Roald Dahl had to go through all Victorian literature and retrospectively add it.



Other problems are that for every iconic looking image of him standing on a mountain, there is couple of guys prepared to make him a main character in a film made of puppets.



or the fact that people on photoshop can do things like this...



Another case in point is Elvis Presley, a man with 50 million fans. Well known for his on stage antics, his astounding ability to make any song sound like an Elvis song just by singing it.



He was also addicted to codeine, Valium, morphine, and Demorol and Amphetamines. His favourite snack was the fools gold loaf: The sandwich consists of a single warmed, hollowed-out loaf of bread filled with one jar of creamy peanut butter, one jar of grape jelly, and a pound of bacon. He apparently ate 2 of these a day along with 5 meals and other snacks.



If Kim Jong Il, a man with total power over his nation, has no power over other peoples perception of him after he died, and neither does Elvis Presley then what chance do plebs like us have?

I recently had a death in the family, this person wasn't religious but his immediate family insisted on a christian ceremony. As if this wasn't enough the they began creating strange stories about him finding God not long before he died. My own personal belief is that what he found was not God but just the effects of clinical morphine, which I have been told is quite similar to finding God.



Amen.

The point is, this person will never be truly remembered as he was but instead his memory will be all tied up in candle lighting and prayer, so it starts to become apparent that if you want to be truly remembered the way that you want to be remembered you must kill absolutely everyone you know, so their memory of you will be frozen at the point that you kill them...



This raises its own set of problems, for when you do this you stop being the happy go lucky party animal the bookish intellectual or the warm hearted man/woman who had time for all his/her friends... you become the psychotic killer who walked into his work place with an AK47 killing all your colleagues before turning the gun on yourself... and would you really want to be remembered that way?



David Koresh, a man who set fire to a building full of his devoted followers, something that I think Lady Gaga plans to do to all her twitter followers.

Perhaps its best just to not worry about it.