Manmachine201's uneasy guide to Semitism vs Anti-semitism (completely revised)

There are two types of people in this world, those who love marmite and those who hate it. Israel is like international diplomacy's version of marmite. they are similar in many ways. Like Marmate, you can spread Israel on toast, boil it with an ample amount of water to make a stock which you can use to make soups and gravy. It is also quite a divisive nation in terms of what it does to opinion. it is also quite devisive in terms of what it does to palestinians, so I guess I have qualified the statement that Israel is a bit like Marmite. Also like marmite, it leaves a bitter aftertaste. Although I've never actually eaten Israel, I have only eaten marmite I thought that it would make a good analogy so I went with it, and I'm still going. Still.



Israel, like marmite, but smellier.

In the recent 75 years since its inception Israel has come under scrutiny from certain anti-semetic pockets of society because of their record of human rights abuses.



And too fucking right! Would a baby be waving a flag like that? or is that Palestinian a midgit terrorist?

Okay, so maybe it isn't right to kill babies whether they are Palestinian or not and according to twitter and facebook friends it is also not cool to attack a flotilla containing aid.

At this point I felt the need to edit the previous blog post I posted , it was becoming all self righteous and violently twatty. I can't profess to be upset about what Israel has done and this is the reason... on my way to my destination today I was accosted by a charity fundraiser, you know the type...



Personally, I don't think there are enough landmines. my all time favourite answer to the question "could you spare a few seconds for the victims of landmines?" I was there and saw the look of discust, and I jerked off over that look for years.

So, this charity worker came up to me and asked if I could... I took the pen from his top pocket and stabbed him in the neck several times, he hit the floor and bled out,it was all very sad. I almost cried.

When the police questioned me after the susequent arrest, I explained to them that I was actually the country Israel, and that I was acting in the interests of my national security. They accepted that and the next day I was out of custody and it was all brushed under the carpet,Tony Blair said it was regretable but didn't go as far to condemn me. "Don't go killing anyone on boats for shits and giggles." They said



When I got out, I decided to create a fraudulent passport, travel to Dubai ( I hear they are pretty tolerant over there.) and killed some arab guy who was onn holiday. I was arrested and and questioned but I just told them that I was Israel and that I was acting in the interests of national security, they told me I shouldn't do it but let me go and told me not to do it again. "Don't go killing anyone on boats."They said again, when am I going to listen?

Shit, I'm starting to think I can get away with anything I want.

I'm just going to post this flag on my blog and I'll be all good. fuck you arabs!



Well Political.

manmachine201's uneasy guide to people who didn't die this week.

Here are some people who didn't die this week.



"You have served me well pup, but now I sacrifice ye top the gods."



Santa Claus. He lives forever.



The Queen, still going strong.



Or Susan Boyle...

Although here are some people who did.








Fuck'em they've been dead to me for years.

Manmachine201's uneasy guide to clubbing in London

The future of London clubbing has taken a further blow with rumours of Fabric going into administration...



a good start.

In the last 5 years we have said goodbye to Turnmills, the End, the Cross, the Egg, the Sopranos the Shield and the Wire. The last 3 are not nightclubs but TV programmes although I also miss them.

The cover of Fabric 51, mixed by Duke Dumont maybe gave an indication that things weren't going well.



And maybe I was reading too much into that but its still spooky no?

It is at this point, as those developers edge ever closer to a bid that the owners of the Ministry of Sound will accept, as the bell tolls for the london club and as I struggle to come to terms with the fact that Sopranos is finished to this day... that I will A) offer you an alternative list of things to do in London at night... and B) compile a list of other things which were good while they lasted.

I have many memories of Fabric although they are not mine, they are memory implants which I had done at Recal, the people who did Doug Quaid's memory implants.



"But I want to stay in Room 3 DJ Yoda is on in 5 minutes."

Memory implants proved cheaper than spending £20 a week plus travel plus drinks plus drugs but they were effective, I remember clinging to a leather sofa in there whilst fixated on a light fitting after accidentally taking ketamine mistaking it for a gram of asprin. I remember asking Arthur Baker why he was out so late.



Because. I. am. a. DJ. twat.

I remember the Fridays with the Stantons and the Saturdays with Craig Richards. I even remember one sunday when everyone in there was completely gay.



Not that it was a problem, Some of my favourite TV shows have gays in it. Vito in Sopranos, Omar in the Wire and Julien from the Shield, although he got cured in season 3. All in all I probably should have got the secret agent package to Mars, that way I could have said "Dammit Cohagen, give the people the air." It would have been just like that film what was on channel 5 the other night.

So thats the sentimental bit done.


Here are some things you can do in London now that clubbing is officially over...

Nothing to say you can't still get on the night bus, there are all kinds of interesting people out after hours. Just bosh a bomb of MDMA and head to the top deck. Kids are getting on and off with music playing on their mobile phones, so the soundsystem is almost as good as Room 2. The things going on outside could be quite similar to one of those audio visual mash-up nights that occur their from time to time.



Many of the people you will meet will be equally as obnoxious as the coked up fashionistas you get between rooms 1 and 2.

Instead of going out at night, do things during the day. London has buildings, shops and other things to make do and see. And thats about it. Go on busses at night or don't, are my suggestions.

Things that were good while the lasted.

Sopranos. Good show, people still going on about the ending now.



Don't wan't to spoil it for you but Bruce Willis was a ghost, Brad Pitt was Edward Norton, Kaiser Sose was Kevin Spacey and they all lived happily ever after. And it all just went blank.

The Roman Republic. very nice. people got a say, good democracy and all that shit.

The Roman Empire. Also very nice, lots of expansion and wars and stuff. people didn't get a say, made little difference.

The Soviet Union. Pretty good going for an agrarian backward nation to be a nuclear power in a measley 10 years and have a dog in space in 12. whats the point in having a dog in space you ask? I don't know, maybe aliens like playing fetch. maybe they like eating dogs. Like Koreans.



Like Aliens.

So other than fabric and the things I mentioned, everything else has always and will always be shit, yourselves included, so come to terms with that in your own way.

In the mean time the discerning London clubber will also have to get used to the narrowing of the field in london clubbing, we are reaching the point where old that central/east london area where all the haircut people go, or Equinox in Leicester Square (pronounced lester square) (idiots) are the only colours in the ever decreasing pallet which is London nightlife.

Soon all the shops will close down apart from Tesco's and the government will all eat each other leaving the board of Directors at Tesco's, Tesco's will give us cheaper petrol whilst eating our firstborn, it will be like something out of the bible, or even worse it will be something out of a Katie Price Biography or a Dan Brown book. We will scavenge around looking for publicity while trying to uncover a secret which the church are hiding from us, and its all because of the corporatisation of the UK club scene, because what started out as going out to have a good time, turned into a graph mapping profit and loss and weekly turnover and gross anual income and the rest of the garble corporate bullshit that goes with putting money first.

I know we have to eat but sometimes it is dificult to sympathise.



This Graph states the progress of this blog. And ironically the trajectory of London Clubbing.

Manmachine201's uneasy guide to the best puppet shows in south east london...and the pitfalls of advertising...and dreams.

Recently I went to a Puppet show in Blackheath, it was fantastic, definately the best one in south east london I've seen in a long time. The best part of it was the fact that audience participation was encouraged. I found a similar puppet show in Deptford Bridge more contrived and less controlled, and a show in Bermondsey 2 weeks previously was amaturish in comparison. In fact I would probably say that up until a point where a topless puppet with a top hat and a lord Kitchener moustache appeared it had been the best puppet show in the history of pupeteering.



The moustached puppet singled me out... mainly because all of the other members of the audience walked out in the first five minutes because they probably didn't like the show as much as I did.
"Want to know where I've been?" said the puppet
"yes" said I. (at this point I'd like to change it from this narrative type writing to a script. I'm preparing you for it by mentioning it so that it will be a smooth and subtle change and you will hardly notice it.)

Puppet: I've been hanging out with my friend Ziggy
Me: oh.
Puppet: you'll find him jamming rather well with Weird and Gily
Me: erm...
Puppet: he plays guitar left handed
Really?: (me)
Puppet: He has screwed up eyes and a screwed down hair do, like some cat from japan
Me: When you say cat do you mean actual cat or are you talking in jive like street people?
Puppet: you're the one making up this story so you're the only one who can answer that.

At this point he had made me angry so I stopped playing along.

Me: I know you're lying to me, you don't have a friend called Ziggy, you're quoting david Bowie Lyrics at me and discuising them as a story to make yourself sound more interesting.

Puppet: David Who?

Me: you're quoting David Bowie lyrics at me.

Puppet: I could give you a great quote on car insurance!

By this point I was so angry, the penny had dropped, I knew who he was, I was angry, did I mention that? I pulled off his fake moustache and hit the hat off his head.



I explained to him that I knew that he knew who David Bowie was because Bowie produced his 1973 album raw power and that there are lots of photos of Iggy with Bowie.



He was caught out, hook line and sinker... his one final defence was that he wasn't Iggy Pop, he was simply a puppet that looked like him...

So I went behind the blind to find the real Iggy Pop in control of the puppet, he was crying and apologising for letting me down and lying to me. He was wearing a nappy full of shit and he spooned out the shit from the nappy and wiped it all over his naked torso and using it as a kind of wank lubricant as he tried in vain to make his flacid penis erect while crying still.



Or doing something even more discusting.




I've been having lots of dreams like this recently. That I've been going to puppet shows in South East london, in all honesty I've never really been interested in puppeteering. I have always had more than a passing interest in Rock & Roll, Punk and its fuck you aesthetic. I admired the balls of people like Joe Strummer, Sid Vicious and Jilted John... so it pains me to see people like Lydon, a hero who has been in not one but two of the most influential bands of the 20th century. Public Image Ltd and Time Zone. It is nice to see him back on our screens even if it is just to advertise butter.



Lydon, eating our souls.

My Psychiatrist thinks that I'm over reacting and should probably discuss the fact that I am always fantasizing about rock stars wearing soiled nappies and wanking. and at the very least, I should stop eating so much cheese before I go to bed.



I would love to but I think that someone at the cheese company stapled this image to the inside of my eyelids.

I ask myself, what would I do in Lydon or Ostenbergs situation? I'd probably take the money and run as well, I have no morals, no principals, and most importantly, no cash. But it doesn't make it any less painful to watch two heroes of mine shrink so that they are small enough to fit into my TV, and once they are in there patiently waiting for the next commercial break to sell their insurance or their butter. I think I'd rather see them crying and smeared in their own shit wearing a nappy trying to stimulate their flacid impotent plastic penis's.

Somehow it would seem more dignified.

manmachine201's uneasy guide to Patriotism

Much is being made of a suspected police crackdown on flags this summer. Apparently people donning the St Georges Cross will be arrested for being Nazi's. because if you have a St Georges Cross, you are a Nazi.
I took a rather long train journey from London Bridge going to Felixtow, it passed through Lewisham, Leamington, Farringdon, Farrington, Flarrington, Farmington, farrrringtonf, Frrrreff, FFFFfffffffFt, fff and F.
Between all of these stops the buildings were adourned with St Georges Crosses this alerted me to how many innocent people are going to be arrested and probably put in some special court to be held in Neurenburg back in 1945 to face trial for genocide and things like that, all because they adourned a st George Cross.



"It wasn't me guv honest, I was involved in the extermination of 6 million jews but I wouldn't fly a St Georges Cross... Thats racist!"



Soon, this will be punishable by death.

I suddenly realized that I must rise to lead the people in a rebelion against the banning of the St Georges Cross. After all we are only a month away from the world cup, what next? not alowed to wear England shirts? England shorts getting banned? What about england socks?



Soon even these will be even more Illegal than Mephodrone.

I'm sio engry myspealing iss ditreorating... I need a minute...

Yes! Rebellion against the establishment who are making it illegal to celebrate our heritage. I have joined the facebook group "if you dont like are flag then fuk off bak 2 ur own cuntry" and "You hate our flag but love our benefits" and "Fwar kwar immigrants innit?" In fact there are lots of these pages and over 100 people joined to each page... enough to start a revolution.

okay, so maybe not a revolution but at least one of those stupid gatherings where people hold up banners in trafalgar square...



Say what you want about the Muslims, they know how to protest.

So I have organised a riot type thing for central London underneath Lord Nelson, who is a british hero because he scored the winning goal in the world cup or something. We're gonna smash stuff and shout chants about how britian isn't britain anymore. its... erm... something else. Shitain thats it, Great Shitain, because we can't celebrate who we are.

Then it occured to me in some kind of eureka moment, that nationalism is just a method of controling people, in the same way that religion was used as a method of control, when I say it just occured to me, I had an inkling long before I started writing this blog, but didn't mention it for effect. Nationalism was in fact used to create and sustain the concert of europe at a point where religion was losing its grip on society. I could go deeper into it but I can't be bothered Edward Said's essay on orientalism touches on all the points and explains the construct of a foreign enemy as a method of banding together a group of people who otherwise probably have very little in common... try getting on a train in central london in the rush hour. London the capital city of INNNNGEEERLAAAAAND.



Just a group of people with nothing in common apart from the regurgitated air they are all breathing in and out of each others lungs and the copies of the Daily Mail expressing their outrage over the fact that the English flag is banned from our own skys. It Beggar Belief. You Couldn't Make It Up... E T fucking C.

On St Patricks Day everyone becomes Irish because they don't have the guts to celebrate St Georges Day and then they fucking moan about it for the rest of the year. They can't even make the leap that by removing catholicism from the english way of life during the reformation, we forfeited the celebration of saints. So Fuck off.

anyway, its at about this point that I switch back to Patriotic Manmachine201 and call for some form of uprising against our nation because they are not national enough. It turns out that all the news reports about crackdowns on the flags were simply a hoax because of a slow news day. Hurrah!



So no doubt half the nation are going to be going around looking like this cunt this summer...



The other half will no doubt be dressed like this.

since he's been gone, since he's been gone I'm out of my head can't take it.

Tributes are still pouring in for one of the greatest frontmen to be in Black Sabbath. The other one tragically died 2 days ago after a battle with stomach cancer. Former lead singer of dad rock legends Rainbow, black sabbath, and his own band Dio, named after himself, there is little doubt that he rocked arse. More importantly than any of his musical achievements (playing infront of 105000 people, taking his music around the world with 3 hugely selling successful bands, influencing a new generation of bands who would eventually dominate the 80s like slayer, metallica, megadeth et al) He rescued a legendary band which was disintergrating under the strain of Ozzy Osbournes drink & drug problems. Heaven & Hell might not be the equal to volume 4 or sabbath bloody sabbath, but its far better than never say die. Ozzy's last album, which was a heap of shit, not my opinion, actual indesputible scientific fact.



Never say die.



a piece of poo.

Ronnie James Dio, then went on to make what might have been the greatest music video ever, and one which will always be sought on youtube, to save you the bother, below is holy diver, the video inspiration to the game 'world of warcraft.'



When watching the video you can see that he isn't actually human at all but a dwarf, and he was a dwarf with a sword. At a time where metal music was increasingly becoming about the holocaust, it was refreshing that someone in the scene was keeping his tongue firmly in his cheek, although that could have been because of a medical condition too.

His overriding achievement bar nothing, and something which will still be done until the end of the human race, is this.



He introduced the devil sign into the partheon of rock moves...







which filtered through to be used by some of the most brilliant minds of our time.

People who have paid tribute range from Ozzy Osbourne to Lady Gaga (pictured below.)



So there you go really. Rainbow, devil hands, Sabbath heaven & Hell era, canonisation by jack Black and a lot of love from the metal fraternaty... was he as good as Ozzy at his peak? no.

However, do I wish that Ozzy died 2 days ago thus putting himself out of the misery of being a human parody, a joke gone too far, a casualty of an overbearing wife, ugly children, reality TV for the MTV2 generation instead of Dio(, who was alright as far as I'm concerned)? Fuck yeah.



One day we will all sit by the side of the throne of the master

Ronnie James Dio. 1942-2010.

manmachine201's uneasy guide to bristol & bolton

A bonus blog containing a picture of Gail Platt sunbathing topless.



Because it is really sexy.

manmachine201's uneasy guide to making volcano's stop.

1. completely ban the use of aircraft forever, its obviously what it wants.


doesn't like planes either.

2. feed it chelsea fans if it doesn't stop, feed it more chelsea fans, eventually you can feed it the chelsea team, and the chelsea owner. if that doesn't work then at least you tried.



3. Watch any hollywood disaster movie and use the resolutions from each film until you have successfully extinguished the volcano.


too old for this shit etc.

4. Just go to Bognor Regis instead of Spain and let the volcano have its fun, it only does it once every 200 or so years.

5. Get Godzilla to lay an egg on top of it. if Godzilla doesn't exist then use genetic engineering to create a giant lizard, call that lizard Godzilla and get it to lay an egg on top of it.

6. instead of extinguishing it just ignore it and hope that it goes away.



7. blame immigrants.



their fault, everything. all of it.

8. blame the coalition government.



impressive penis david, but what about the ash cloud?

9. blaming people isn't going to solve anything you silly fuckers.

10. remember what Proffesor Brian Cox said about it... I'd remind you but I've forgotten.

11. accept that it is probably the work of a god or extra terrestrial, try to reason with the god or extra terrestrial.


a god or an extra terrestrial.

12. this list is pointless we can no more stop a volcano than I can stick get 3 of my fingers which are trapped from out of the corpse of a nun.

no. there will be no jpg image of a dead nun here, I want to keep this image for myself. on my hard drive.