Manmachine201's uneasy guide to time travel, tron and the real life.

Recently I was speaking to a man in regard to my vocation, and I asked him for his e-mail so that I could contact him further in case any issues arose. "I don't have internet mate. I like the real world!" I seriously thought that these people didn't exist anymore. The people that refused to use the internet in the 90s because they thought that the web was for spotty geeks. Of course, the web is for spotty geeks but at least the vast majority of the world population with access to the internet admit that they are nerds.

Lots of questions entered my mind. how does this man do internet shopping without the internet? How does he check his facebook? do people send him status updates by post?



How does he look at Porn?



Pawn. not to be confused with Prawn...



or...



Porn.

I asked him if he had ever thought of the possibility that we are in fact already in a computer simulation similar to that of the film the matrix.

He said he "had never seen the matrix because he doesn't have a subscription to love film on account of it being easiest to access on the internet". "I said what about telly?" he "didn't have one because the shops were sold out and he couldn't order one online so your frame of reference is completely lost on me."

He then went on to say that his "fear of technology was routed in an event which occured in the 80s" when he went "on an arcade machine which sucked him up into a neon world where everything was either green blue or red." He "had to fight against Jeff Bridges to the death in a game of lines."



I said "are you sure you're not mistaking your own life for the film tron?" and he said "oh yes. Sorry."

At that point I realized he was probably from the 80s and had got here in a time machine.

"how did you get here today? Just out of curiosity." I said, to which he replied..."a time machine."



"No! not that one stupid." He said when I inferred that the time machine might be a DeLorean. "It was this one"...



Of course! A hot-tub.

The ideas of time travel have baffled scientists philiosophers and philanderers since time began, perhaps before. So how come this man has managed to get access to one when he can't even use the fucking internet?

Simple, he got in a hot tub in the 80s and it took him into the future like some tardis shaped like a jacuzzi. Does it defy the laws of physics? yes, but then again he defied the laws of the land by stealing my wallet, so whats to say he has respect for any laws or bylaws or regulations or even protocols which keep our world in order?



Black.

It turns out that Hot Tubs and physics are intriniscally linked. Archimedes was in one, and came to within a minute of discovering time travel but his skin was starting to get wrinkley, so he got out. then he discovered that the waterline goes down when you get out of the bath instead. the fucking twat, everyone knows that.



It turns out that Isaac Newton, Galileo, Charles Darwin, Steven Hawking, Albert Einstein, Albert Steptoe and Uncle Albert from Only Fools & Horses all had hot tubs and they all pushed the bounderies of science further than people who didn't have a hot tub.



some of them probably looked like that.

So maybe we shouldn't be so hard on the film Hot Tub Time Machine, because it is actually closer to the principles of time travel than one would care to admit. Except why the fuck would anyone want to go back to the 80s? The 80s were shit, food in schools stopped being subsidised, all anyone had to play with was a rubics cube. TV was only on until midnight and there were only 4 channels (3 before 1984) and the best band at the time was Duran Duran, who was a massive cunt and the tories were in power.

So there we go, ultimately we are back to square one. I'm playing pac man, the internet doesn't exist anymore, the cold war is still on and I'm starting to agree that maybe I have been using the internet for too long because I am not making much sense anymore. I'm going back to the 80s to chase girls.



80s. it had women in it.