This was the result, no doubt a work of art.
Now, on Sean Kingstons Twitter page Sean Describes himself as a "21 year old living work of art."
What you talkin 'bout Willis?
Like we all remember where we were on September 11th or when John Lennon was killed by an American, No one will forget where they were when they heard the news that Sean Kingston was in a critical condition in hospital after a jetski accident... Because they were all on twitter tweeting about it.
Even the Arab Spring Tweeters stopped harping on about democracy to wish Sean Kingston a happy birthday, because they have a loose grasp of english due to the fact that they learned the language in a branch of Clinton Cards in Damascus.
Police indicate that there is evidence that Kingston's accedent could have been an attempted suicide, after examining the lyrics to his hit 'Beautiful girl' they found that some of the words revealed that he was "suicidal, suicidal".
In many respects Sean Kingston's accident draws many paralels to the myth of Phaethon in that Kingston tried to use machinary he was incapable of controlling, with disasterour consequences, I know what you're thinking, that my continual allusions to Greek Mythology are tiring and I should probably stop using them as they are not relevant to modern society. So I promise not to do it again.
As if this wasn't enough greif on the family of Kinston, keeping vigil by his bedside in the hope that he recovers. His record company were already planning reissueing his album with the bonus track 'leaving on a jet ski'.
Twitter is awash with wellwishers wishing well of Kingston, people on twitter are also talking about Britains Got Talent, they're talking about Eastenders, they're talking about Panorama.
When this platform the great voice of the disenfranchised ouster of professional footballers private lives, the liberator of the arabs, the reason that the # key ever gets used (what the fuck was it for before twitter existed?) for some reason it used to be on phones even before we knew what it was for, but anyway. Twitter is just a billion people using a billion keywords of 140 characters or less. It just seems like a competition to me.
Steven Fry can harp on about it all he wants. Piers Morgan and Alan Sugar can insult each other in 140 characters or less for the next 6 months. Charlie Sheen can just type "Winner, Winner, Winner, Winner" over and over again, I will still not get it, what the fuck is wrong with me?
I have to add it to a list featuring Lady Gaga, JLS, Fairport Convention, Flying Lotus, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, KFC Krushems, Cats, David Cameron, Christianity and Golf as Things I don't get.
Yet every day the papers are drawn to twitter like a bluebottle to a cowpat, peoples tweets about news stories are slowly becoming the stories centrepieces, instant analysis and a gage for public opinion, yet looking at it now in the UK most of the people are still talking about britains got talent, its like walking into a room halfway through a conversation about Britains got Talent, but its not just a room full of people, its a room with about 1.2 million people all talking at the same time about britains got talent, repeating what the one next to them is saying seconds after, not listening to what anyone else has to say about it. It is a fucking massive massive insane asylum.
The reaction I got for mentioning Sean Kingston on twitter earlier was crazy. People were threatening to kill me, people were throwing hash tags at me, someone was so angry that they went over the 140 characters saying
"...I'm gonna fuckin find you, you fuckin fu"
Then the stream of abuse just ended,
Of course I'm lying, because 1.2 million other people were all typing stupid shit about Sean Kingston as well yesterday, I was just part of a massive stream of sick gallows humour at the expense of a man who went too far with a jet ski.
The Story of Sean Kingston is in many respects similar to the story of Icarus, the boy who flew too close to the Sun. This is a story which is often told in the same way the Phaethon story is told to warn people not to take on heroic challenges if they can't pull them off. I shall use this allusion to break a promise I made earlier in the blog.
The problem with Twitter is not just the fact that I simply cant get my point across with such a small amount of words, That I feel there is something slightly orwellian about this nuspeak which reduces the almost infinite possibilities of communication reducing sentences to "RU fick or summat?" instead of "Are you a fucking spastic you silly cunt?"
That the door that is safely closed with facebook is left slightly ajar with twitter, Recently I responded to a tweet from comedian Richard Herring, an intelligent and funny guy who I have a lot of repect and admiration for, I often try to banter with people I like on Twitter, rarely with any success. On this particular occasion Herring was talking about a trailor for the TV show Miranda, which I am sure you will agree is a heap of shit. I thought I had a hint of sarcasm from him and went with the sarcastic 'Oh yeah, Miranda was really good' thing and he basically called me a cunt.
Well Fuck you Richard Herring, I dont need to grow a hitler moustache to use as a cheap visual gag which I would cleverly use as a centrepiece for a 2 hour comedy show, I just do dick jokes in between making allusions to Greek Mythology. Just because I didn't find a clip of Miranda Hart falling over funny, it doesn't mean I don't have a Heart or a Soul. I always thought Stewart Lee (the other half of comedy act Lee and Herring) was funnier, cooler and edgier than you anyway! And when he met me he was nice to me as well.
Not to be confused with Terry Christianson
And Twitter can fuck off too I dont care if it frees the Arabs a million times over or gives the chinese a voice, to me its always going to be a million comments about britains got talent.
And as for Sean Kingston... I hope he recovers, I've got nothing against him.
There, I've said it, and no doubt when I post it on twitter there will be 5 million people saying the same thing.
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