Currywurst,

Righty, becoming slightly obsessed with this stats option on this page, it is for that reason that I am going to reprint the Currywurst poem.

Currywurst. Consumes my very being
Currywurst. Goes through me like baked beans.
I am shitting blood but I still want more.
I call your name as I curl up on the shit and bloodstained floor.

This was a poem I wrote in Berlin a few months back, the subtext is simple, the German fastfood snack of choice is personified, taking me forcefully, I shouldn't like it but I do. She's a woman wearing a strapon obviously, I'm not a sicko.
The Juxtaposition between blood and shit obviously draws a paralel with the the binary oppositions expressed between life and death being side by side. The 'going through me like baked beans, represents the physical effect that eating a currywurst makes a person go through, not just the heaped metaphors, working on several levels,

Anyway, the crux of this is that I saw a few people based in Germany have been reading regularly, or at the very least have been hotlinking pictures from the blog so I have taken the time to translate it in to German for them...

Currywurst. Verbraucht mein sehr sein Currywurst. Läuft mich wie gebackene Bohnen durch. Ich bin Scheißenblut, aber ich wünsche noch mehr. Ich benenne Ihren Namen, während ich mich oben auf der Scheiße und dem blutbefleckt Fußboden kräusele. (It's not as difficult as you might think, just use the babel fish application on Alta Vista.)



(Special Thanks to Mr Boulter for reminding me that I am a poet.)

DAF. Brothers

Don't usually just post tracks I've heard, but this is a post ironic chin stroker anguar haircut classic.

A massive thanks to mr Smagghe and Andrew Weatherall for bringing this one to my attention. Two of the best DJ's on the planet.

At the end of the day.

Do you have trouble articulating yourself? have you ever found yourself in the middle of a debate and can't think of a way to end the current point that you are trying to make?

If so, I have the solution to your problem, a basic set of words which you will bw able to use to close an argument, to buy yourself more time when trying to process thoughts in the middle of conversation, make you seem more worldly, wiser and therefore more appealing to the opposite sex. the words I speak of are "At the end of the day."



As you can see you can use it as many times as you want in a conversation and the absolute best thing about it is that it never gets tired EVER
The use of the word- you might think- could be problematic, afterall if you have to resort to delay tactics in conversation, would you even be able to remember this set of words?

Don't fear, I will give you a step by step guide to remembering these words and integrating them into your everyday vocabulary.


STEP 1

Start by writing down the words, and write them down in the correct order! Failure to do so could leave you following the next steps and ultimately facing ridicule in everyday conversation and debate. (1)AT- (2)THE- (3)END- (4)OF- (5)THE-
(6)DAY. Don't worry too much about what it means because it will only confuse you and lead to mistakes later on.

STEP 2

Practice it! insert it at the beginning of points that you are trying to make. There is not really much point in saying it at the end of a conversation, as its prime purpose is to buy you a bit of time before you make your point. You can say it at the end of a sentence, using it as a kind of figurative fullstop.

STEP 3

The first time you use this phrase there are specific breathing techniques that you need to use to make sure you get it right, not useing these techniques could lead to embarasment, mental and physical debilitating illnesses such as HIV, Ebola, Leporacy and becoming a leopard.



Or other animals.

STEP 4

Use it, you have now mastered an important rhetorical tool.



Socrates, having being sentenced to death, with Hemlock in hand (a poison used to execute the guilty.) Socrates, was said to have said. "At the end of the day, I basically don't see why I should have to drink this shit." (Plato, 480-481)

This brings me on to another string to add to your metaphorical bow. BASICALLY

Basilcally can be used at the beginning middle or end of sentences.

eg. At the end of the day I don't see why I should apologise BASICALLY.
At the end of the day I BASICALLY don't see why I should apologise.
At the end of the day I don't see why I should BASICALLY apologise.
At the end of the day I don't BASICALLY see why I should apologise.
ETbasicallyC

Use the previous step by step guide to incorporate it into your vocabulary.

Once you have spent several hours mastering this you can replace AT THE END OF THE DAY with When all is said and done.

Again, use the previous step by step guide removing at the end of the day and adding WHEN ALL's SAID AND DONE

You are now very clever and can fill up your vacuous sentences with even more meaningless waffle, well done.

Tomorrow, you will learn about basic cooking skills like pouring cerial, making orange juice and what to do when your body has digested said food and taken all its nutrients.

Noel Edmunds. A Warning From History

There could well be something in Noel Edmonds Theory of 'Cosmic Ordering' that is Noel Edmonds, quiz show host, social commentator and philosopher.



After all the universe is made of energy, and as we are made of the same matter that the rest of the universe is, then surely on a quantum level I am sure it is possible to harness that energy to make your life a positive experience.



Now I'm not sure what you thought of that last point but just to keep us on the safe side of sanity I will explain, I took a fact: "...the universe is made of energy, and as we are made of the same matter that the rest of the universe is..."

It's the part that you understand and because you probably recognise it to be true, your guard drops slightly. The next part is speculation but because it was preceded with a fact it makes it easier to digest: "...then surely on a quantum level I am sure it is possible to harness that energy to make your life a positive experience."

I highlight surely because it intertwines the preceding fact with the horseshit that follows. Quantum is shorthand for me saying 'in a way that you can't understand, because you haven't read any books about it.'

This is how Noel Edmunds talks to you every day, in many ways he is worse than George W Bush although if I were to explain to you why, you probably wouldn't understand it because you all let Noel Edmunds talk down to you as if he is in on a secret. Every day on 'deal or no deal' spouting about positive thoughts creating positive energy, as if thought alone is capable of somehow shape shifting the 1p box into the £250,000 box, and if you fail to guess right, then its your own fault. Loser.




Edmunds clearly suffered a mental breakdown after his career hit a rough patch when 'Noels House Party' got cancelled in the mid 90s, the show itself was like a nightmare version of Evil Dead 2 having a bad dream and then waking up only to realize that you are still asleep and trapped in a dream where a pink demon with smallpox falls on you while a crowd of people point and laugh. There were custard pies, cats stuck up trees and 'Gotcha'ss' ''' which began when people were suprised as their own face popped up on the television, but as the series went on this wasn't enough for Edmunds, who resorted to live executions, badger baiting and public defacation all in the name of ratings.

Now the previous paragraph isn't as clear cut as the first one, there are elements of truth interspersed with rash generalisation and downright falacy.

"Edmunds clearly suffered a mental breakdown after his career hit a rough patch when 'Noels House Party' got cancelled in the mid 90s..." More an opinion than a fact although there is something about his belief in this new age horseshit which he aquired during his wilderness that strongly hints at an alan partridge moment.



*Shudder*

the show itself was like a nightmare version of Evil Dead 2 having a bad dream and then waking up only to realize that you are still asleep and trapped in a dream where a pink demon with smallpox falls on you while a crowd of people point and laugh. There were custard pies, cats stuck up trees and 'Gotcha'ss' '''

This point is alegorical but essentially true, there was something nightmarish about crinkley bottom, the fictional town where Noels houseparty was set, the signposts and props were all wonkey and surreal like a salvador dali painting and everything was just wrong. The part about the executions was a lie, which you might say makes me immoral and you may question what right I have to call Noel Edmunds heretic views into question.

Well, my lies simply highlight his lies, by identifying my lies for you, I am equiping you to see through his web of deceit, although I think a web is overused and not strong enough, no his galaxy of fallacy! It almost rhymes.



But not quite.

About 20 years ago, a similar thing happened when a goalkeeper turned sports commentator turned green party MP, had a monumental blowout live on telly, proclaiming himself the son of Godand forseeing a global catastrophe, his platform was the Terry Wogan show and after this appearence he was publicly ridiculed by the press and was marginalised from the mainstream media.



Today, David Icke hangs around the edges of society preaching about how the world is run by reptiles and a shadow government. He believes in aliens, in multiple gods, he believes that Jesus was murdered by the jews and that they eat babies. He also started believing after the film 'the matrix' came out that we are all just computer programmes inside the matrix. Essentially, all the same things that Noel Edmunds believes in.

So why is David Icke sidelined and thought of as a quack, when Noel Edmunds is telling us every day on primetime TV that by using an internal process alone, we can completely alter the external universe?



I completely prefer the version of mental that tells us that George Bush is a snakeman. And apart from the obvious anti-semetic undertones, I believe that Edmunds is probably more dangerous.

Noel Edmonds believes that the souls of his dead parents follow him everywhere in the form of two orbs, he has revealed.
The TV presenter claims they are a constant presence by his side and often sit on his shoulders as bouncing balls of light.
The 59-year-old is a follower of the New Age theory of Cosmic Ordering, which involves writing a wish-list and asking the planets to carry it out.

(Interview with Sky News.)

Now call me old fashioned, but I think that people who believe that their dead parents in the form of melon sized energy orbs float around their shoulders at head height, should not have access to millions of men, women and children, particularly the people who watch a show like 'deal or no deal'. Asides from the obvious questions this throws up like 'is that what we can expect from death? are we destined to spend all eternity on Noel Edmunds shoulders in the afterlife? Dont his dead parents have better things to do than just float around him all the time? do these energy balls grow bigger and smaller? do they move when edmunds picks up the phone to speak to the banker or do these energy balls engulf the phone thus evesdropping on his conversation? Or is he just cherry picking bits and pieces of new age philosophy in the way that erm, I don't know, someone else did.



You say they used to use is to symbolise power order and prosperity? lets take it and make it our flag!

Edmunds is essentially a ticking timebomb... dont say you haven't been warned.

What Does my Online Profile say about me.

You are about to be walked through the minefield of internet profile creation, don't worry, you are quite safe, the minefield I was talking about was metaphorical and will not kill you, or worse, leave you in a wheelchair. because the internet is so vast and massive and full of information, some of that information will innevitably about the people placing said information on the actual internet, so here is a blow by blow guide to how to successfully create an online persona.



This being no doubt the absolute pinnacle of online persona's.

Profile Pictures

As it is the thing that you will instantly be judged on its probably the best place to start, this is the first hurdle, and you don't want to be falling here, you want to be a winner.



An example of a winning profile picture

So, what kind of image do you want the other internet people to first see?

you could do the moody black and white profile picture.



If this is the one you want to go for, it is of the utmost importance that you don't choose a picture of yourself looking straight at the camera, because that is the money shot, and if you want to be dark and mysterious, you need to avoid eye contact with the potential viewer of your profile. of course if you are a seasoned pro like the following example, you can look directly at the camera, providing there is some kind of frame (e.g. hands) to add a barrier between you and profile viewer.



Other barriers include sunglasses, eye contact via a mirror, from behind a window, that sort of thing.

If you want to take a less serious appproach it might be better if you just used a normal colour picture, if you're good looking then a close up face shot, if you have big breasts then a pic of yourself in a low cut tight top. Although that said, this will only enhance your profile if you're a female, big breasts on men are for some reason frowned upon.



In general, its okay to have bright colourful pics with groups of friends smiling and laughing, it implies you are a social and are inclusive in your approach to others, which is surely what creating an online profile is all about. At the very least, if you have no friends to have your photo taken with, or even to take a photo of you, just smile, appear happy and people will assume that you're fun.



thats it girl, work it.

So far so good. But now you have to dazzle the potential reader with information about you, to make yourself seem desirable to the opposite sex, or at the very least, cool/funny/clever etc... What interests do you have? Do you want to be; glib, highbrow, funny, honest or just plain cool? lets see some examples.



this is the sort of shit that people fill the interests box with

So, it is almost alright to write anything in here because at worst, people will simply think you're being ironic kitsch or genuinely the coolest muthafucker on the planet. Best give them some semblance of an idea of what it is that you are actually interested in though, you don't want to be exposed as a liar later on.

Music

An important one. We either want to be unashamedly populist, or far too cool for school. No middle of the road act should be on this list, even if you are being ironic. Bon Jovi and Bryan Adams are a no no, ABBA, the village people and any disco group circa 1978 are acceptable, don't ask me, I don't make the rules. This area is extremely grey in certain respects, you want to show a well rounded knowledge either way, therefore, lots of people put bands on that they have never heard, to add to the cool credentials.

Suicide, Neu!, Sigue Sigue Sputnik, James Yorkston, Billy Bragg, and Roni Size often fall into this category and this is fair enough, you want to employ a sound knowledge of music. Lie as much as you want, or don't lie at all, just don't tread the middle ground. If you say you like the kings of leon, for whatever reason, your life on the internet is over.



NO!

Whilst on the point of music, if you decide to just list the music on your Ipod, you need to make sure that you use the alphabetic in order of surname rule. We can't have the Beatles sat alongside David Bowie, it just wouldn't be proper.

Books

Without doubt, the first book you list is JD Salinger's Catcher in the Rye. I have no idea why, it is simply a rule that has to be obeyed, like a full stop at the end of a sentence and a capital letter at the beginning, anything else and you would be a liar, even if you were telling the truth.



I personally have never read this book but I would never break any form of internet code by not including it. From here, it depends on your ability to read, the Da Vinci Code is a common one, if you are a loser it might be prudent that you simply Having done courses on Greek Mythology, I can happily include Hesiods Theogony and Ovid's Metomorphosis in my reading lists even though I have only read critiques of them thus making me seem far more intelligent than I actually am.



Films.

You need to have a grasp on which directors are good for this one, you can quite easily hit up the john hughes films if you wish, there is no shame in quoting the Breakfast club, but dunston checks in and babies day out should only be quoted if you are an absolute film nerd. 2001 a space Odyssey, Bladerunner and Star Wars are fine to cite as favourites, they are all good too. Another standard is "Shawshank Redemption" for some reason everyone loves this film even though its fucking rubbish.



So yeah, its shawshank redemption that you have to start your profile with in the films section. Disney films are either a no,no, or something you should start your profile with for a joke, but never do it inbetween normal films. If anything, any Tarkovsky film, anything by Joderowski, anything by Polanski or Jon Luc Godard, anything with Bruno Ganz, or by the Coen Brothers, the rest of it, NO.

Of course, none of this will make you cooler smarter or more appealing to the opposite sex, in fact the only reason you are online creating an online profile, is because you are a failure, we're all failures, and thats the most beautiful thing about being online, we're all fucked and it doesn't matter. YAY!

Picking your Battles.

When I see the picture of the student in front of the tank in front of Tiananmen Square, it splits me in a similar way the Manhattan Project split the atom.



Part of me thinks, fair play, its a surefire way to get your point across and it is an incredibly brave thing to do. There is another part of me that looks at that image and thinks "You silly sausage, this is a battle that you are statistically likely to lose." But he probably knew that anyway.

Picking your battles is a key skill in life. A healthy balance between self belief and picking your battles will be a huge factor in anyones success, and I would know this because I am the most successful person I know.



Success.

Of course, people have different ideas about what constitutes success, some might say that money is the measure of success, others believe that success is gaged in terms of happiness and productivity. Personally I believe that the amount of female joggers you scare on any given day as a result of jumping out from behind a bush and showing them your genitalia, is the gage of a mans success... As I said, the most successful person I know.



Of course I don't really do this, I came very close to creating a bizarre story about how flashing at a female jogger inadvertedly saved the world with some precarious set of events which were so unbelievable that they might actually be true, but doing so would just make me sound more like a sexual pervert when in actual fact the showing my genitals to female joggers would simply generate laughter this crushing my already fragile ego, and not only that, its weird. I only bring up the concept of flashing to illustrate that this scenario is the theoretical limit of people like this...



This child was so completely outraged by the rules regarding boys uniform not including shorts in the summer weather, that he exploited a loophole in the rules regarding uniforms and began wearing skirts to school in protest. Again, this situation splits me like a monkey splits the skin of a banana.

Part of me thinks, fair play, its a surefire way to get your point across and it is an incredibly brave thing to do. There is another part of me that looks at that image and thinks "Silly little sausage, you're probably going to get picked on by the tougher kids in the school who are mistake your inventive method of protest for homosexuality and spit on you."



Picking your battles alongside self belief is a... meh, I'm not going to do the repetition thingy I was planning on doing, I'm just going to look at the next specemin.



Patrick Doherty, 15, was due to sit the exam again after he failed it last summer having taken it a year early. He refused to take his shoes off because of fears his feet would smell and now faces a year at home before he can re-sit the exam again.

Part of me thinks, fair play, its a surefire way to get your point across and it is an incredibly brave thing to do. There is another part of me that looks at that image and thinks, you stupid bugger, the only person who is going to suffer due to your refusal to toe the line is you.



Here is the final example I shall give of people picking their battles, the christian child Lauren Grimshaw-Brown, was sent home from school because she refused to take off a crucifix which was part of her religion. Laurens Mother Miss Brown, claimed that the school were discriminating against Christians even though they were a Christian school (?)

Part of me thinks, fair play, its a surefire way to get your point across and it is an incredibly brave thing to do. There is another part of me that thinks you silly bitch, perhaps a more apt way of declaring your faith would be to adhere to its rules on having children within wedlock. Instead you adopt victim mentality to subtly imply positive discrimination giving racists ammunition who use this as an example, when in fact all your child is asked is to remove a piece of jewelery, which would probably get torn off when your chav child gets in a fight with Tracy Smith in class 5b over which one is going to get impregnated by Justin Bieber.

Now there is a word for people like this in China, and that word is Dissidents. And the Chinese Government has a very methodical approach to dealing with people like this.



The sign the girl is wearing translates I'm a complete and utter twat.

I'm all for human rights, its a good thing that humans have rights, and they should have the right to protest if they feel they are being treated unfairly.
But at what point does protesting against injustice become simply moaning and kicking up a stink purely for the sake of it? I would say all three of those examples are people who should be sent to special purpous built re-education centres, where they undergo psychological treatment to make them less troublesome.



Perhaps then they will learn the balance between self belief and Picking their battles.

Speaking ill of the dead.

When a person dies it is always deemed customary to gloss over the mistakes that the deceased made and concentrate on the positive achievements of their life. For example, when people talk about someone like Jesus, they talk about the fact that he fed 5000 people with one fish and one loaf of bread, they dont talk about the hundreds of sheckles of damage he caused when he smashed up a sunday market. When people talk about Hitler, they talk of him glowingly, the fact that he rescued Germany's ecconomy after a long and difficult war, defended his nation against the oppressive Versailles Treaty and made the trains run on time. It is rare that you hear anything about Hitlers involvement in the Second World War or the Holocaust.



And the Dogs loved him.

A third example, in what will complete the rule of three is the recently deceased Roy Skelton. Skelton is so imprinted on my childhood, he played a major part in my development. Rainbow is one of the earliest memories in my consciousness, I remember the bear Bungle who stomped around the house naked all day but wore pyjamas to bed.



It is almost impossible to look back to rainbow without feeling anything but warmth, nostalgia and a slight suspicion that 4 male various animals all sharing a house who all shared various aspects of femininity, might have been trying to tell us something.

Anyway, Rainbow's homosexual subtexts are another blog for another day, but in all of Skeltons obituaries jounalists are glossing over a voiceover for one of the most hideous scariest threats to humanity that ever came from the imagination of a british person since the second world war.



Yeah laugh it up, but these things caused nightmares for 2 generations, in no small part due to skeltons voice, he could do annoying bizarre handbag type organism voices but where he really excelled was screaching "EXTERMINATE!" into a voice warping effects unit that left children cowering behind sofas, I would even go as far to say that my dad positioned a specific sofa so I could hide behind when a series of Doctor Who started, simply so I could one day relate to something he did as a child.

Now I'm not someone who watches Doctor Who these days, for me the magic went a long time ago, but I have always had a thing with the Daleks and could never understand why. They couldn't go upstairs, downstairs, and they didn't move very fast.

In no small part the sound effects played a major part in generating fear, Skeltons voice could be fucking scary as well as annoying, the sheer deleberateness of their movement, slow, meticulous, you were always under the impression that they never moved fast because they never needed to. But to truly know what the crux of the fear of the Daleks entailed you have to look at when they were created. They came not long after the second world war, the first truly mechanized war. The Daleks "EXTERMINATE" mantra, was as close as could be to the Nazi ideology of expansion and extermination.



In short, the Daleks are humanoid Panzer's, a weapon of choice of the Nazi's. They were a reminder of nazism, dangerous, destructive but ultimately, defeatable (Doctor Who defeated the Daleks 35 times.)


But beyond that, Skelton was the voice of the Daleks, in essence Skelton was the voice of the Nazi's, the voice of war criminals who indiscriminately murdered millions of Jews, and here are the journalists spitting on the memory of the dead of the holocaust, but its easier to remember him as the voice of zippy isn't it, which is why I'll probably finish this one with a picture of Zippy, seeing as there has been plenty of pics of Nazis and Daleks and bungle in Hawaian get up.



Roy Skelton, Actor, Voiceover artist, war criminal. 1937-2011

101 posts.

Yup, forgot to do the big fanfare about 100 posts, I wasn't really keeping count but there was a counter thingy on my dashboard that was, and thats the only reason I know, so fireworks, party poppers and prawns. Its exactly like an Iceland advert.



That's where mum has gone, in case social services ask.

The problem I have is that I planned to do a self indulgent piece of writing about something very close to my heart, something very specific that probably neither of you would have been that interested in (depending on whether the other one still reads this.) but I've got about 150 words in and I'm not sure whether to jump into the piece of writing I was originally planning or just carry on whittering.

The fact is, aniversaries are only special to people because they are confined to the world they live in, therefore they are only special in a narrow sense of the word. For example, if we lived on the planet Mercury an aniversary would occur every 87 days. That would be evert 2 months we would be expected to dress up, take our partners, who we no doubt resent because we have been with them for 147 years, to a nice restaraunt, shower them with gifts and write out pointless messages on a card which will no doubt be throw in a bin the following day. which would be a really long time because on Mercury there are 1 and a half days in a year.



Amazingly after going on a bizarre rant about how days last longer than years on Mercury, I followed it up with a picture of a dog in a kind of army uniform with lots of medals, why I did this I don't know but it creates a huge statement of intent. This Blog is going to win medals, the blog I intended to start is going to have to stand aside whilst this one develops on its own.

So there is the logistical problem of days lasting longer than years, how long would this make the average work shift on Mercury? roughly 80 Earth days. That is a long time to be flipping burgers, asking if they want fries with that, even if you had a good job it would be a long time, a minor flip side of this is that your lunch hour would last a month, which is roughly a years holiday allowance in most jobs. Every cloud and all that.



But then even the most basic idioms like "Every cloud has a silver lining" wouldn't be true if we lived on mercury. Being as there is very little atmosphere on mercury, we wouldn't even have clouds, not even ones with silver linings. So no clouds would probably be a positive in a world where a working day lasts 1.5 years, no rain, the weather is good. well, no, because there would be no weather on account of there being no atmosphere.



Maybe thats a good thing.

So days that last more than a year, no weather on account of there being no oxygen and having an irrational orbit of the sun (which I didn't mention on account of not quite understanding what relevance it would have in the effect of anniversaries.)

So yes, I don't get the significance of Anniversaries. I don't get centeneries or Jubilee's or any other kind of versary I have gladly taken this opportunity on this most momentous of blog posts to reject forever more, birthdays, christmases and all those other things that are routed to the same spot every year, because if we were on another planet with a different orbit pattern it wouldn't even be noticed.

Superinjunctification

The press are very unhappy with Englands performance yesterday, taking this into account and following the fact that superinjunctions are quite in vogue at the moment, I'm going to take the precaution of not revealing any of the details of the players involved who let their nation down.



Manager _________ made the suprising choice of picking _______ over ________ which baffled many pundits, some said that this was because ________ has struggled to recover from an injury to his _____.

England were 2-0 down just after the half hour through two ___________ free-kicks but pulled one back from the penalty spot after __________ converted. Of course there have been suggestions that ________ who scored the penalty had been having an extra marital affair with his ________ after her friend found pictures of ________ being _______ by a __________ in a bath full of baked beans. However a court order prevented the story from coming out. In the second half ________ equalized thanks to poor defending from ________ who is well known in the brothels of _______ which specialize in horse, male, female threesomes. He had several chances to give england the lead but failed due to his ______ from a ______ which as we all know is an illness caused by a sexually transmitted disease.

After the final whistle ______ told journalists that fatigue from the season was probably the cause of the England sides underperformance although some questioned whether ________ and _________ had anything to do with the reason Ashley Cole had been limping throughout the game and seemingly bleeding from his rectum.




Rectum.

When the news becomes a game of 'guess the sportsman at the centre of the superinjunction story' then perhaps it is time to either review the laws of the land, or for the newspapers to review their brief about what actually constitutes news.

There could quite concievably be a point in the future when we don't even know which footballers will be playing for clubs because there are superinjunctions protecting their identitys.

For example, Chelsea could sign a player for 70 million at the end of the season and we will never know who he is. He might be Lionel Messi, he might be Lionel Blair.



Messi.



Blair

This is unacceptable in a game which takes money from the public, but unfortunately it is becoming all the more familiar. Below is an example of what you get when you buy a pack of panini stickers...



Attacking midfielder Man Utd. Identity withheld.



The 2011-12 team photo of a team you support. Unfortunately you are not allowed to know what team you support due to a high court order.

And this trend is not just among sportsmen; with actors, journalists and even lawyers and judges using them more and more frequently. experts predict that within the next year children will be able to enact superinjunctions to prevent school reports and parents evenings, that people will be able to use superinjunctions to prevent their own twitter updates from being seen by the people that follow them, I have no idea why anyone would want to do that but I'm told it is definately going to happen.

In fact, I think I'm going to take out a superinjunction to stop people from reading this, to protect my privacy, because as you all know, I am a very private person.

SEX! (now that I have your attention...)

Controversy is absolutely everywhere at the moment, with suggestions of corruption in the FIFA association, strained relations between Pakistan and the US over suggestions that they were harbouring the worlds most wanted terrorist, but there is one area that is saturated with controversy beyond the point that football, or politics or any other important things could be, and that it pop music. It would be easy to suggest that pop music is a simple waste of 4 minutes, sugarcoated and sweet and forget about it after the song finishes. Of course it isn't like that, the 4 minute song is generally accompanied by a 4 minute video containing a subtext usually tied up in religion, sex, genocide, paedophilia, bestiality, bondage and general subversiveness. Things that focus groups tell multinational record companies would improve the artiss sales.



Things like boxing, group sex and people in rabit suits, its what the focus group came up with.

I remember when Lady Gaga won her first MTV award in 2009, in her speech she said, "bless god and bless the gays." It made me think. It made me think of all the gays, every single one of them. From Oscar Wilde, who as we know, invented homosexuality, going through to Brian Dowling from Big Brother. I not only thought of every gay person living dead or fictional but everyone asssociated with a gay person. If I thought of Ellen DeGeneras, I thought of all her pretend lesbian girlfriends like Portia DiRossi and Anne Hesche, If I thought of Stephen Fry, I would instantly think of Hugh Laurie. If I thought of Allen Carr I instantly thought of his hairy less funny friend Justin Lee Collins.



Looking like a Weeble version of Barry Gibb... Good Times!

By the time I finished thinking of every gay, living dead fact or fiction and every person accociated with a gay or lesbian human, and even the weird bonobo monkeys I saw on a documentary fiddling with each others nobbly bits, I thought for fuck sake Gaga, get a grip and stop trying to engraciate yourself with the gay community just to penetrate a market. And then I started writing this blog.

As we all know, penetrating the gay market is as lucrative as, say, changing the lyrics to 'express yourself' by Madonna. But all this controversy for the sake of selling seems to have worn out the shock nubin in my brain to the point where I am numb to it all. It is difficult to know whether Gaga is a cause or a symptom of pink culture, although there is evidence albeit circumstantial that a specific chord structure once employed by Madonna (gay icon) and Gaga (also gay icon)could release theramones in the male brain to make men more gay. The structure is C G F G C and is rumoured to have been accidentally chanced across by Freddie Mercury when he inadvertantly and whilst in the same room as Oscar Wilde, created the craze of homosexuality.



What you talkin about Willis? I died almost half a century before Mercury was born!

But its not just homosexuality that is edgy and will therefore drives artist sales, it is any kind of sex and many types of violence. Katy Perrys latest video seems to portray her as some bizarre omnipitent sex alien floating above the world watching human nature destroy itself.



The video has even got one of those 24 frame edits with Hitler, the KKK, an atomic explosion, the pope, Bin Laden, a baby being born, maggots, a funeral, Hitler again, people crying, Jeremy Kyle, Jeremy Clarkson, the famine girl from Live Aid, the napalm girl from Vietnam, McDonnalds, people in a church praying, missiles getting fired, explosions, a preacher, a dead animal, soldiers pushing a crying mother, a dead parrot, Martin Luther King and Hitler.

Perrys evolution throughout her musical career has gone from lesbian, to a girl with fireworks coming out of her tits to pvc sex alien. Now one might argue that her previous single firework is empowering, but why have fireworks coming out of your tits? the only explanation is to draw attention to the old Freudian symbology of the Oedipal complex. Their are other uses for breasts than things to play with while copulating, like feeding your baby, but would anyone really want to use gunpowder and iron filings as baby formula?



Another act trying hard to do something different is Britains answer to Lady Gaga, Jessie J. That is of course in the same way as a molested childs answer to a paedophile fathers request to keep it "Our little secret" would be "yes daddy."
J has definately tacckled things from a different angle taking on issues such as gender and sex (suprisingly) in her single do it like a dude.

As we all know the key differences between male and females is that males grab their crotch, a point not lost on J's team of songwriters. In fact it is almost impossible to tell the difference between male and female when naked, it was only thanks to advances in science in the 1960s when scientific observations were undertaken to identify key characteristics in gender that humans can procreate at all. In these experiments the male and female stood next to each other and the first to grab their crotch was a male. There were anomolies in these experiments but these were put down to the woman 'trying to be a bit controversial and different.' a bit like Jessie J, as we shall see below.



Original.



Similar.



Also unique, just like everyone else.



Born this way.

Now its not these girls fault, they just want to be successful, but to do so they have to leave their image at the mercy of stylists, record execs and image consultants who have exhausted every method of being edgy or cool or different, or at the very least have exhausted their imaginations thus letting these girls down. Apart from Gaga, she can fuck off.

Controversy, pornography, taboo breaking has become so normal in pop music I find myself numb to it. Wearing Meat Dresses, black Jesus's, disco satanism, Rubber Fetish, its all been done to death. It leaves people desiring simpler things that stimulate different part of the brain, in short these focus groups are responsible for these new folk acts infiltrating the market like Laura Marling and Mumford and Sons, and that sort of shit should not be tolerated.



Zero Tolerance.

Some of this might sound sexist or mysogynistic but thats because I hate women so it will probably come across that way, personally, I find subtlety and a bit of innocence far more attractive than the results of the pornification process of the pop industry. Plus I like my women slightly slimmer, more gaunt looking... and it is for this reason that I'm going to leave you with this. Then I'm going to have a wank.


Carpenters - Sing (Japan 74) by Zerenodo