10 reasons why we are NOT fucked.

Having taken 3 weeks off writing, it would be easy for people to believe that the world has ended, that some form of Jehova's Witness style rapture has occured taking all the best bloggers on the earth away and leaving people like you to, well, look after your own affairs.



More evidence that we are fucked can be found above where the cheeky banker (no doubt the exact same one from Deal or No Deal.) is absolutely relishing the collapse of the global financial market. But ARE we fucked? This is a really important question, not least because of the unnecassary capitalisation of the entire word "ARE".

Lets start with that video, the world isn't actually run by governments and lets face it, we all hate our government, we think they are incompetent, corrupt, stupid and in the pocket of big business, so it comes as some relief that it is actually big business that controls the world. We dont ever need to concern ourselves with silly abstract concepts like democracy and freedom. Or less abstract concepts like 'Freederm' which is a spot cream.



I mean you can worry about spot creams if you want but its more important to worry about freedom, and if you dont need to worry about that then you shouldn't really have to worry about anything at all, let alone spot creams. You may think that logic is skewed and that path will lead us to a darker future but it actually isn't a reason why we are not fucked at all. Even if Bankers like Goldman and Sachs secretly rule the world, all it takes is a rogue trader to completely destroy a bank, as people who have seen the film 'Rogue Trader' with Anna Friel and Ewan McGregor will know.



Ewan McGregor.

Or if you haven't seen the film 'Rogue Trader' with Ewan McGregor, you can think back to when Nick Leeson brought down Bearings bank with a series of dreadful decisions (which ironically was re-told as a movie called rogue trader starring Ewan McGregor and Anna Friel). This is the silver lining in the the cloud of despair that we are not, and have never been in control of our own destiny... to a lesser extent, neither are they.

So getting off the global meltdown, lets look at some reasons why people need to stop being so fucking negative. I know that saying it like that in itself sounds negative, a more positive way would have been to say "lets look at soime reasons why we should all have a hug and stop worrying." "and have a hug".

2. The Boogyman is gone.

The last decade has been overshadowed by the fear of terrorism, whether it be staring at asians with backpacks on the London Underground all suspiciously, or a general extra 45 minutes at airports to prevent further September 11th style attacks. It is a really good thing that an architect of terrible attrocities was killed this year.



Punchline picture.

3. New Iphone in October

Yup, and Steve Jobs may not even live to see it, the smug, cancerous bastard. The Iphone is so popular that there has been a press release to announce that there will be a press release to announce when it will be coming out. Imagine how many press releases there will be to announce future press releases that will announce release dates of the Iphone 6! Imagine how dead steve jobs will be. He will be so dead that he will have been buried and broken down into sedimentary rock which over time will probably become metamorphic rock. He will probably be have been compressed into a diamond after being reduced to mere carbon by the time the iphone 6 comes out.



If you look carefully you can already see a celestial light behind him. thats how dead he is about to be.

4. There is a lot less chance of a nuclear holocaust these days.

There was a point where everyone had nuclear weapons pointed at each other, and these were governments, not terrorists, it was like the end of Reservoir Dogs except with nuclear weapons, and Communist Russia instead of Steve Buscemi. There are still hostile nuclear powers out there, Kim Jong Il for example, but he's alright, so long as he's left alone in North Korea, which is fine by me.



If anyone in the world should have their finger on a red button which could obliterate the world, surely its a man that looks like this?

5. Space Exploration

There will come a point where space exploration will become a big priority again, once we destroy the Jews once and for all. Off shore exploration will give way to outer space exploration and we will live in a universe which belongs to us. Properly.

6. World peace.

I was only joking about the anihalation of the jews thing that I just said. I want everyone to get on and learn to co-exist.

7. Michael C Hall survived cancer. which means there must be a cure for cancer.

The guy from Spartacus blood and sand didn't survive cancer, but I prefer dexter anyway, so its not the end of the world.

8. The children are the leaders of tomorrow...



May they lead us to the nearest JD sports, I need some new trainers.

9. The fact that I found 8 reasons we are not fucked is a reason in itself.

10. In 100 years from now, no one will care about the problems we have now. The financial crisis will be worse, the sea levels will be more bigger, or whatever the gramatically and vocabulablary correct term is for rising sea levels. It is only going to get much worse, and if that is not a reason to be optimistic, then I dont know what is.

When pulling a sickie gets extreme.

We have all done it. Hard day at work, a friend phones up and asks if you fancy a drink. one drink becomes two, More friends turn up, none of whom are off tomorrow, because its saturday and only people who work in retail work on a saturday, two becomes three, a round of shots seem to come from nowhere, you start to lose focus, 5 drinks become... erm, I can't remember, back to one of the friends houses, one of them has a gramme of cocaine in the cupboard, it doesn't last long because there are so many of you, none of you have any money because you all spent it on drink, you phone a dealer anyway, there is a girl in the group, he'll give you all 6 grammes if the girl in your group 'does him a favour', the girl doesn't want to but the group put plenty of pressure on her, there is a knock on the door, its the dealer, he goes into the room, he comes out 20 minutes later, with the girl, who is crying, dealer hands you 6 grammes, out comes the JD, one of you chops a line, bang, more JD, more coke... its 6am... you have work in 2 hours, you go to the toilet to freshen up, the girl is in the bath, slit her wrists.



yeah, just like that

Thats your fault, your stupid inability to have one drink and go home has cost lives. She's dead, and You killed her. And not only that you've phoned in sick, let all the people you've worked with down. They're going to have to do their own job AND your job, and you're responsible for that girls death. You Sicken me.

Although, you are in good company, there have been a whole host of extreme sickies recently, mainly due to the 'Arab Spring' as it has been labelled by the Western media. The various arab uprisings seem to have a side effect of creating lots of people possibly feigning sickness. Not least, is the infamous Abdelbaset Mohmed Ali al-Megrahi... or as he prefers to be called... عبد الباسط محمد علي المقرحي‎. Stupid.



That was the man in his glory days, of course, this man is thought to be the man responsible for the Lockerbie bombing in the past (come on, I can't be bothered to research the date, I've had a long day and want to get in the bath soon.) Used as a political pawn and eventually handed over to face trial for the bombing... as part of diplomatic negotiations. After being found guilty and serving time in British prison, he was diagnosed with cancer and given a prognosis of three months to live and was released on compassionate grounds.



The above picture was taken around about the time he was released on compassionate grounds several years ago... The below picture was released not long after diplomatic relations between Libya and the west broke down...



That is pretty cheeky if I may say so myself. But the plot thickens. after the collapse of the Gadaffi regime and there is a very real possibility of a second deportation to see out his sentence, this picture is released.



REALLY?

We all know the story of the boy who cried wolf, and as well as ruining it for himself if he crys wolf too many times, he ruins it for others too.



Former Egyptian dictator Hosni Mubarak in an interview back in March this year. He said that he wanted to step down but that Egypt would fall apart if he did... roll on 4 months and as he goes into court...



Lazy fucker, in court accused of human rights attrocities and he can't even be bothered to sit up properly.

Say what you want about Saddam Hussain, he never pulled a sickie in court, in fact he was quite animated in defending his actions and failing to recognise the court.



"...five times I've had the flu in the last 40 years and not one sick day!"

Not all sickies are pulled by Arabs, as much as it would please me to say it, I'd stand there and say "All Arabs pull sickies because they are lazy and can't be bothered to work!" like a complete xenophobe. It would be brilliant. But its not true.

Chris Evans was famously sacked from a multimillion pound contract for being pictured out on the piss by paparazzi after phoning in sick from his Virgin Radio breakfast slot.



Ginger twat faker.

The Australian island of Tazmania has reached epedemic levels of single or two day sick days, costing their ecconomy a massive 35 Australian dollars.

http://www.themercury.com.au/article/2011/08/14/253181_tasmania-news.html

Oasis split up after Liam may, or may not have faked Laryngitis to get out of performing at the V festival.



And he can't even play that tamborine properly. The stupid sickie pulling wanker.

So when all is said and done; next time you fancy taking a day off because you had a heavy night the night before, or you blow up an american airliner over scotland and don't want to serve out your sentence, or you are an Egyptian leader who doesn't want to answer to allegations of human rights attrocities, or you are the district of Tasmania damaging the Australian ecconomy, or you want to pull out of a festival because you have been drinking and you only have one eyebrow, or you are Chris Evans: Think of the example set by the late great Saddam Hussein. A real man who never took a sick day in his life.



Although he did have regular doctor checkups, as should all men. Don't leave it too late!

Now for god sake get rid of that body in the bathroom you horrible sick person, I hope her lifeless open eyes staring back at you haunts you for the rest of your life.

Technology (...or how we learned to stop worrying and love the tampon bin with touch sensitive technology.)

I am so pissed off with technology at the moment that I'm not even going to bother running a spell check on this. I am usually so pissed off with technology that I dont run spell checks on my blogs, but now my anger against technology is such that I can barely touch it. "What the fuck are you doing on here then typing this all out then?" I hear you ask? "Well"... I say, "Thats none of your fucking business is it, you smelly bastards!"
"That's no way to talk to the people who read your blogs!"- you reply.
"Well," I respond, "You are not actually real, you didn't actually say anything just then, that was just me typing out an aproximation of the sort of response I might give if I were the imaginary blog reader. I know that you are not the blog reader but simply a projection or implication of the sort of response I would expect from a certain kind of blog reader in my mind if they were reading this... you follow?"



Even Steve Jobs is confused by that hypothetical exchange and he is obviously smart, although not smart enough to cure cancer.

By this point I realize I am talking to myself, and as usual, I have hit the 150 word mark without making any kind of point whatsoever.
The point I want to make is about whether or not Technology has gone too far. As we all know, the London Riots were the net result of little shits thinking they could get away with doing what ever they wanted on their summer holidays technology. Yes Blackberrys, and I am not talking about the sweet tasting things that grow on bushes either, I'm talking about the smartphones.



Now why anyone needs a smartphone I am not sure, why do people need a computer in their phone? why do people need a computer and a camera and a video camera in their phone? Why would anyone need a multimedia player/camera/videocamera/hi-fi in their phone? Now I know that I sound like a man from the late 1800s wondering why we need electricity when we can rub 2 sticks together and make a fire, which as always warded off the evil spirits in the past and stopped us getting too close to the edge of the earth in case we fall off... but


...AND! I nearly did a whole blog on Libya but it would have been exclusively centred around the idea that "Gadaffi, Duck!" would have been a good tabloid headline and that the ones they had used so far were shit. I'd have gone into in depth analysis and comparison of various different tabloid headlines of the past week regarding the Libyan uprising, before coming to the conclusion that my one was the best. It would have been brilliant.



It would have been good because not only is 'Gadaffi' a silly sounding name of a Libyan dictator, but it also sounds similar to 'Daffy'- the Warner Brothers duck.



At that point I am glad my connectivity was not as good as it could be because it meant that I wouldn't have put out a substandard blog about the Libyan civil war.



"I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that Manmachine201... and I might like to remind you that you have already used this gag recently, in a previous blog."

I nearly wrote something about my continuing quest to get Michael Winner to write a new deathwish film... but its going nowhere. He doesn't respond. Probably because of his lack of understanding of technology. And anyway, I wrote out most of it in a very short space of time, hence not much of it ended up on auto-save and I ended up with a very substandard half of a blog that had improved towards the end but had been swallowed by some kind of error.



Pretty sure you've used that one too.

So, yup Technology has been annoying me of late. I have tried to appreciate it, to completely believe that we are simply at the dawn of a new age, that we are on the brink of a new age which will see humanity rise further, reach new heights, of which have never been seen... and then I really needed a shit.

I tried to use the mens, I really did, the door wa locked and no one knew where the key was to this toilet which had a locked door, so I ended up going into the ladies... Now my first ever uneasy guide blog was about pooing, in a neat comparison to the problems in Iran. Well I need no neat metaphors for this one, in front of me as I squeezed out my bodily waste was a bin... on this bin was a touch sensor which opened the bin.



Why?

Now meeting up with a group of people who I have been away from all summer, all talk was about the London Riots; what happened, how they happened, where everyone was. To ,ost people the London Riots represent a really shit version of September 11th, so some form of analysis is innevitable... but why should a bin with a touch sensor be ignored when it is much more indicitive of the fact that society is over than kids stealing these bins from the shop windows of Debenhams in Clapham.



We reached our pinnacle some 70 years ago in 1937 with the invention of cellotape. Think about it, all the common aspects that make a smartphone good, could all have been achieved with cellotape. you have a phone but you want it to have a computer, you just cellotape one to your phone. You want a video camera, cellotape that to the phone and computer you cellotaped together. if you wanted your phone to be a bicycle, with the right amount of cellotape, you could do that, and so on and so forth.



Now it would be naiive to deny that cellotape was born of the direct result of experimentation to apply first aid to soliders... in fact, Television was initially a byproduct of the evolving needs of communication during the war. Come to think of it, the microwave was a failed experiment to melt Russians brains during the cold war... So, do you all still love technology? Do you understand why I hate it? well, I don't really care about most of the war type stuff that technology is associated with, but it would be nice if my connection wasn't so shit.



Okay, so you've not used the album cover of Bobby Glenn's classic 'bad connection'