I am so pissed off with technology at the moment that I'm not even going to bother running a spell check on this. I am usually so pissed off with technology that I dont run spell checks on my blogs, but now my anger against technology is such that I can barely touch it. "What the fuck are you doing on here then typing this all out then?" I hear you ask? "Well"... I say, "Thats none of your fucking business is it, you smelly bastards!"
"That's no way to talk to the people who read your blogs!"- you reply.
"Well," I respond, "You are not actually real, you didn't actually say anything just then, that was just me typing out an aproximation of the sort of response I might give if I were the imaginary blog reader. I know that you are not the blog reader but simply a projection or implication of the sort of response I would expect from a certain kind of blog reader in my mind if they were reading this... you follow?"
Even Steve Jobs is confused by that hypothetical exchange and he is obviously smart, although not smart enough to cure cancer.
By this point I realize I am talking to myself, and as usual, I have hit the 150 word mark without making any kind of point whatsoever.
The point I want to make is about whether or not Technology has gone too far. As we all know, the London Riots were the net result of
Now why anyone needs a smartphone I am not sure, why do people need a computer in their phone? why do people need a computer and a camera and a video camera in their phone? Why would anyone need a multimedia player/camera/videocamera/hi-fi in their phone? Now I know that I sound like a man from the late 1800s wondering why we need electricity when we can rub 2 sticks together and make a fire, which as always warded off the evil spirits in the past and stopped us getting too close to the edge of the earth in case we fall off... but
...AND! I nearly did a whole blog on Libya but it would have been exclusively centred around the idea that "Gadaffi, Duck!" would have been a good tabloid headline and that the ones they had used so far were shit. I'd have gone into in depth analysis and comparison of various different tabloid headlines of the past week regarding the Libyan uprising, before coming to the conclusion that my one was the best. It would have been brilliant.
It would have been good because not only is 'Gadaffi' a silly sounding name of a Libyan dictator, but it also sounds similar to 'Daffy'- the Warner Brothers duck.
At that point I am glad my connectivity was not as good as it could be because it meant that I wouldn't have put out a substandard blog about the Libyan civil war.
"I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that Manmachine201... and I might like to remind you that you have already used this gag recently, in a previous blog."
I nearly wrote something about my continuing quest to get Michael Winner to write a new deathwish film... but its going nowhere. He doesn't respond. Probably because of his lack of understanding of technology. And anyway, I wrote out most of it in a very short space of time, hence not much of it ended up on auto-save and I ended up with a very substandard half of a blog that had improved towards the end but had been swallowed by some kind of error.
Pretty sure you've used that one too.
So, yup Technology has been annoying me of late. I have tried to appreciate it, to completely believe that we are simply at the dawn of a new age, that we are on the brink of a new age which will see humanity rise further, reach new heights, of which have never been seen... and then I really needed a shit.
I tried to use the mens, I really did, the door wa locked and no one knew where the key was to this toilet which had a locked door, so I ended up going into the ladies... Now my first ever uneasy guide blog was about pooing, in a neat comparison to the problems in Iran. Well I need no neat metaphors for this one, in front of me as I squeezed out my bodily waste was a bin... on this bin was a touch sensor which opened the bin.
Why?
Now meeting up with a group of people who I have been away from all summer, all talk was about the London Riots; what happened, how they happened, where everyone was. To ,ost people the London Riots represent a really shit version of September 11th, so some form of analysis is innevitable... but why should a bin with a touch sensor be ignored when it is much more indicitive of the fact that society is over than kids stealing these bins from the shop windows of Debenhams in Clapham.
We reached our pinnacle some 70 years ago in 1937 with the invention of cellotape. Think about it, all the common aspects that make a smartphone good, could all have been achieved with cellotape. you have a phone but you want it to have a computer, you just cellotape one to your phone. You want a video camera, cellotape that to the phone and computer you cellotaped together. if you wanted your phone to be a bicycle, with the right amount of cellotape, you could do that, and so on and so forth.
Now it would be naiive to deny that cellotape was born of the direct result of experimentation to apply first aid to soliders... in fact, Television was initially a byproduct of the evolving needs of communication during the war. Come to think of it, the microwave was a failed experiment to melt Russians brains during the cold war... So, do you all still love technology? Do you understand why I hate it? well, I don't really care about most of the war type stuff that technology is associated with, but it would be nice if my connection wasn't so shit.
Okay, so you've not used the album cover of Bobby Glenn's classic 'bad connection'
No comments:
Post a Comment