We've all got baggage.

I don't normally come to this place to talk about what actually happened during my day, in general blogs that do are normally done by people who do things much more important than myself. or cunts.

..so you'll have to bare with me.

It all started at 6:10pm when I got on the 6:10pm train from Hades to the Metropolis, a train full of very important business people who had finished their important days work.

There were no seats in the carraige so I climbed up into the overhead baggage compartment much to the annoyance of the man whose jacket and bag I was sitting on. He tutted in annoyance much in the way I would have done if someone sat on my posessions, but hey! it was 6.10pm and needs must, even for someone less important than the man with the baggage. "If you don't want people sitting on your bags, I suggest you sit on them yourself." I said, and it was a response that I was proud of.



Which is a deadly sin.

After being sat down a few minutes after the important man angrily moved his posessions, I realized I was not in the overhead baggage area at all, but actually on a seat, I was right all along, something I should have started this with really but then it wouldn't have made as much sense to you, no doubt, and if I were more important I might have spotted it earlier, but because I'm as insignificant as I am I wasn't going to beat myself up about it. As much as I wanted to I didn't beat up the man I offended either, my arms are scrawney and there are more elequent ways of doing so.

So I did a shit on his bag.

After a few hours in a cell for being arrested for defacating in a public place I've had ample time to think about the situation. Karl Marx the well known sociologist is legendary in the field of Marxism, mainly because he created it. His body of work is immense, best known for 'Das Kapital' a study in class and its role in society. His lesser known works on 'Bagsism' are no less enlightening.



After reading Marx's study in peoples bags on trains and where they should be placed in terms of the importance of their owner I realized that I was wrong to sit anywhere near his bag and jacket, and that even though I had paid for a ticket on the train, and his bags hadn't, I was no less in the wrong.



"This is first class mate, fuck off to the cattle carraige."

It takes a big man to admit he is not as important as another man, and an even bigger man to admit that he is not as important as a mans bag, yet here I am admiting I was wrong. I was not the bigger man at the time, but I am the biggest man now, and of course there is always the works into society conducted by Levi -Strauss, in his seminal 'People who are on trains who put their bags on seats so that other people can't sit down are cunts.'



Ultimately, you may be a prince or a pauper, but if you choose to travel pleb class, you're just another arse on a seat, and if you find your bag taking up a seat when people are standing in a carraige on a train, you should ask yourself "Am I a total and utter fucking prick?" Invariably, the answer will be yes.

Even so, you can always act like a prick to your fellow man, because after all, some bags are more equal than others.

Goats.

A welcome distraction from Libya

Having being abroad with limited internet and TV access, I missed a chance to hit the blogosphere with a massive "What does Gadaffi have in common with Charlie Sheen" blog. Being too far from a computer I missed the chance and now there are probably millions of substandard blogs of the same material. I'll just mention a couple though, just for shits and giggles; they are both winners, for example, their people love them, they have both hit 7 gram rocks and finished them in a night, because thats the way they roll. They only have one gear... Go!



Actor Charlie Sheen on a balcony waving a sword.



And Gadaffi, with a melted face and a psychadelic background to boot.

Actually, the last statement is not true because Gadaffi is anti-drugs. He believes his enemies have been poisoned by mind altering drugs, stating, in the typical manner of a world leader:

"They give them pills at night, they put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafe,"



...And it wasn't even caffinated.

Now I never noticed product placement in Two and a Half Men, mainly because I never watched it, but I'm a little upset that an anti-western leader has sunk to the level of advertising brands in speeches.

For a blog which isn't about Sheen or Gadaffi I have talked about them alot, this is because I was in a country where the only English speaking channel was BBC world or CNN, both news channels... and for a whole week I was subjected to conflicting reports where the rebels claimed to be winning followed by reports that gadaffi forces claimed they were winning. It became disorientating, claustraphobic and towards the end, painful. The same with the tiny showbiz sections which were dominated by Charlie Sheen's sacking from 2 and a half men.



So as you can imagine, the largest earthquake in Japanese history came as light relief after a week of impending civil war. It's always lovely to get a new news story, when an old one has been dominating the press for too long. the editors of western news media were obvious in their decision, 'Libya, its been fun, we've liked you're will they?/won't they set up a no fly zone? It reminds our viewers of Ross and Rachel from friends, but something better has happened elsewhere in the world'.



"I went with the Japan story because we were on a break!"

So for that reason, I'm not entirely convinced that it was a bad thing, yes there are an estimated 10,000 deaths, but lets be honest, they're only the japenese aren't they, its not like they are anywhere near us.

Now this is the typical attitude of your average Sun reader, feigning sympathy before quickly turning the page to ogle the tits on page 3, but it is not my attitude, I love the Japanese... I have news for them, the Sun readers, not the Japanese, they have enough news at the moment.

The massive Japanese earthquake and big waves thing has caused damage to Nuclear powerplants in the aptly titled 'Fukushima', Being that it could be potentially 20 times more damaging to the planet than Hiroshima, I can see why the Japanese have settled on calling the city 'Fukushima'. there is an even bigger powerstation just up the road which is even closer to a faultline called Muthafukushima!!!!!! and it wasn't me that added the exclamation marks, it was all the Japanese fault (line)



I think its got something to do with the fact that the Japanese are all suisidal or something because they used to fly kamikaze planes into American boats in suicide missions. These powerplants are in essence a gigantic figurative nuclear kamikaze mission, a complex one which involved losing the war, becoming a major economic superpower in spite of this before lulling the west into a false sense of security, all the time planning to build powerstations over zones of the earth under threat from massive earthquakes.



The Japanese Nuclear kamikaze plot was clever, but this bizarre post 9/11 attack was actually rubbish.


The earthquake has added weight to the fight against nuclear power becoming the main source of energy in the 21st century, but is there any actual evidence to definitively prove that radiation is bad for mankind? Apparently it can cause cancer, deformities and destruction so one argument is that we should ban radiation and nuclear stuff? The CND leader Carol Naughton believes this is the right course of action to take.



Naughton.




And this is Anna Kournikova who for all I know was born inside the nuclear reactor at Chernobyl, but definately in the Ukraine in 1986.

The Evidence is clear, Carol naughton is jealous of radiation because it didn't make her as sexy as Anna, although admitedly, Naughton is probably a better tennis player.



Although there is some concrete evidence that radiation can have adverse effects, here is a distressing photo of a man horrifically deformed by radiation poisoning...

































So there, both sides of the argument nicely covered, I have left the humanitarian side of this crisis out on purpous, and haven't intended to cause any distress to the victims of this disaster, this piece is simply to lighten the mood in what is a very distressing time, and above all to get a cheap laugh at the expense of others, which is what life is all about.



This way to nuclear bunker.

They may take our time, but they'll never take our freedom.

When Cher said, "If I could turn back time, if I could find a way, I'd take back the words that hurt you, and you'd stay." She was sat on top of a gun which doesn't really have very much to do with the concept of time, although she was very imposing.



Unfortunately she couldn't turn back time and the pain she caused the man she was singing about, Sonny Bono caused him to ski at full speed into a tree and die.



It's always good to see time in the news and today is no exception. There are plans in the works to bring time forward by an hour making the days lighter and the mornings darker. I'm not quite sure about the reason for this but apparently it is going to be a good thing.





However, the Scottish don't think that its a good idea because they feel that if the mornings are darker, they will have more car accidents. Could this point be valid? When Princess Diana died, she was in Paris where the clocks are one hour ahead, so it appears that the Scottish might have a point.



William Wallace, one of the disenting voices in the clocks going forward one hour debate.

Although I have just said that the Scottish are against the idea, the BBC website states: "...There have been fears expressed in Scotland that putting the clocks forward would increase road accidents in the darker mornings."

So there is no real evidence that the Scottish are against the idea, just that fears had been expressed in Scotland. It is quite concievable that a foreign visitor to scotland could have been the source of this fear.



Like perhaps a Russian.



Or a... erm... Sorry, I don't know what that is.

However, it is thought that ultimately the clocks going forward one hour can only be a good thing even if it does cause more accidents, time is a great healer.


But is time being messed around with already without us knowing? Just the other night I got into bed at 10.30pm. My head had only just hit the pillow when the alarm went off and it was the next day. Where did that time go?

Another example is Valentines Day. The day of Saint Valentine has come under scrutiny in recent years facing accusations of becoming commercialized and a focal point of a sanitized romance industry. Saint Valentine has done little to rubbish these claims. Partly because he is dead, and partly because he is one of 14 possible historical martyred people in the era of Neronian Rome, this is a possible reason why it is celebrated on feb 14th, well, it explains the 14th but not the feb bit, in fact it is probably just in february to kill off some pagan holiday from pre-christian times. Which in itself isn't a very Christian thing to do.



I am digressing, and am on the brink of blowing your mind. This year Valentines day was on a monday, but having remembered having a day off on valentines day last year I checked an old calender and saw that last year Valentines Day was on a sunday. The same with Christmas Day and new years day, every year the government is moving important days forward by one day. Why have the Scottish not raised objections to this? It is far more sinister. What next? Bank Holiday Monday on a Tuesday? Good Friday on a Thursday? The government are taking money from us left right and centre with heavy Taxation which they are blaming on the credit crunch, so why are they stealing our time too? If this year Christmas is on a Wednesday and next year it will be on a thursday and the year after it will be on a friday, and after that a saturday and then a sunday, What then? There are no days after sunday.

So it turns out that the Lib-Con coalition are taking our time as well as our money, probably because someone told that George Osbourne man that time is money and he believed it.



So basically, we just move all the days forward until all the public holidays fall off?

On the other hand, if we don't celebrate Valentines day then I guess it will save us money as we don't have to buy overpriced flowers and other red and pink things that would otherwise be considered tat on the other 364 days of the year.

two wrongs make a right.

Last night I was watching Channel 4's embarassing bodies, I try not to make a habit of it because it makes me wince and leaves me feeling uneasy about myself.



I'm not that easy with wincey things like moldy feet or boils or skin conditions, they remind me of my frailty as a human and ultimately, my own mortality.

To make it far worse, compounding the disgust that I have for this show, last night there was a scene where the 'dishy doctor' on it Dr Christian Jessen took the show that one step too far and made me spit out my meatball marianara.



Jessen was originally brought in to this show as the eye-candy doctor to boost the female viewing figures because all the other doctors on there are a bit ropey looking and as we all know, sex sells. or increases viewing figures. This choice blew up in the faces of C4 execs as Jessen has recently come out as being gay.

Now I don't have to have a masters in psychology to know what Jessen was trying to do in the show broadcast on Fri 12/2/11 at 9pm. There was a segment on the show about testicular cancer and the best way to check for lumps. It is an important issue as men are less likely to go to the doctors for fear of embarrasment, but that embarrasement that men feel didn't stop 11 firemen, sitting on a bench being filmed having their balls examined by Jessen.

I can't think of a bigger fuck you to the parents who no doubt put him through university than to say look mum. I'm feeling the balls of 11 firemen on primetime TV... does this look like a phase?



eurgh, he's touching another man's ball, and there is another man watching.


I had a similar aversion to Black Swan starring Natalie Portman, its a film with rashes, bloos under the toenails and other little whincey body horror touches that David Kronenberg is famous for, although Kronenberg didn't direct it Aronofsky did.



There is a lot being made of this film as someone kindly pointed out by scribbling all over the above poster. But the film itself is centred around Natalie Portmans characters quest to learn to masturbate. Obviously they had to make the film last longer they put some dancing shit in it as well.

I have some ideas for sequels along with actresses and a brief synopsis of the film and what can be used as filler between the masturbation scenes.

Green Swan. starring Megan Fox. Megan fox learns to masturbate (tap dancing.)

Blue Swan, starring Emma Stone. Emma Stone learns to masturbate (race cars)

Yellow Swan, starring Gemma Arterton, Gemma Arterton learns to masturbate (judo)



Now where I found the testicular examination of 11 firemen a bit gratuitous, I thought that the scenes with Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman kissing each other and Kunis going down on Portman very tasteful; (and I'm sure Kunis found it very tasteful too) and essential to the plot of a very intricate and intense film.

I watched the Fighter last week and it had no lesbian scenes so I don't think it should win any oscars. I have read that the kings speech is just about an Englishman with a stutter and doesn't have any lesbian scenes in it, so that shouldn't win any oscars either. Films that should have won Oscars but didn't are Mulholland Drive where Naomi Watts kisses a dark haired woman, Wild Things where Neve Campbell and Denise Richards go all lesbian in a swimming pool and Gia, where Angelina Jolie kisses fuckloads of girls.

Its strange that the sight of two women kissing is very appealing to straight men and has the capability to distract said men from the more disturbing scenes in some of films darker moments(Mulholland Drive and Black Swan being prime examples.) Yet the sight of 11 firemen in a line waiting for a gay doctor to touch their balls, seems only to compound and accentuate the body horror of rotting flesh puss filled wounds and failed cosmetic surgery.



Embarrasing Bodies. Body horror never looked so wrong.
Black Swan. Body Horror never looked so good.

Which side of the fence am I on?

Top Gear has recently come under scrutiny after Clarkson Hamster and the other one launched into a tirade about mexicans on a recent show.



The BBC for some reason are not hosting this on their youtube channel.

In a suprising move Steve Coogan wrote quite a well written piece on how Top Gear had gone too far, you can read it here.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2011/feb/05/steve-coogan-top-gear-jeremy-clarkson-mexicans

It was suprising for several reasons, A) because Coogan is a regular on Top Gear and a fellow petrol head.

2)Because Coogan himself through characters such as Alan Partridge or... erm... some other character has said some pretty outrageous things himself.

and D) Because I thought that Alan Partridge was a real person and not a fictional character.

However, this has made me look more closely at myself. The odd passages from these blogs if taken out of context could make me look even worse than Richard Hammond.



I was hoping to find a picture of him all mangled after his accident but he doesn't look that bad, so I guess it would be quite easy to look worse than him... say, if I looked like this for example.



and there you go, starting on the disabled while trying to justify himself.

Actually, I have been thinking of late about the things I say on here and I can come across as a bit vicious.

"However, it does beg another question, is it worse to be a homophobe or a sexist? The women would probably say its worse to be a sexist and the gays would probably say that its worse to be a homophobe. The jews would probably say that it is acceptable to be either as long as they are not muslims...(on Gypsys)... Worse than women, gays jews and sexists and homophobes all at the same time."- What's Wrong with Being Sexy 29/1/11

Looking back there are essentially lots of things I have committed to this page which are essentially not very nice things to say... I looked in the mirror and didn't like what was looking back at me...



And who would?

I have to admit to watching Top Gear from time to time, it is a guilty pleasure and the main reason I watch it is for the lack of restrictions Clarkson Hammond et al place on themselves. It is the one place you can go on the BBC for sanitised Sexism, Racism and all of the other ism's which the Top Gear presenters partake in. I don't think I've ever knowingly met a Mexican so I can't really be sure if the stereotype about them being lazy and wearing sumbrero's are accurate.

I have however eaten mexican food and I think a fair description of its appearance is that it looks like 'sick with some cheese sprinkled on it. I took this one stage further, I promised my wife that I would cook for her and instead of cooking I simply ate raw chicken and drunk several litres of milk, sure enough I vomited, wrapped it in a tortilla after sprinkling some cheese on it... here was the end result.



Not only did she not notice, but she prefered it to her one.

And it is also telling that the first image on a google search is this.



maybe Google is racist.

So just in case you think I am a horrible racist here are 10 reasons why I'm not.

1. I was one of only 3 white people in my primary school class and had a vast array of knowledge of various foreign cultures by the age of 6 I understood the concept of different religions and races and didn't really think anything more of it. It wasn't until I got to secondary school that I even became aware of the concept of racism.

2. I know lots of black people.

3. I had sex with a jewish girl once when I was younger (a convert not an actual one with jewish blood. I'm not fucking sick!)

4. I have eaten Kosher food, I would best describe it as like sick with cheese sprinkled on it.

5.My attacks on Islam and Judaism are also compounded by attacks on Christianity, Conservatism but not so much Hinduism or Buddhism, mainly because they don't have as much impact on European culture and give me time, I'm sure their time will come. fact is, I hate all religions, I think that giving yourself over to a concept for which there is no proof is one of the laziest and unthinking things any human can do, and to kill or die for that concept is blah blah blah (I can't do it, I can't get all the way through a serious point.)

6. I know some gays, they're all very colourful, just like in Will and Grace.

7. I flinch every time someone uses the word 'Paki' in my presence. It is a word that makes my testicles shrivel I hate it so much.

8. I have read the Guardian

9. I didn't cheer at any point during Schindlers List

10. I am a Liberal

There, I said it, I AM A L-I-B-E-R-A-L. This does not mean I am not at odds with the thought processes which lead to hostile things being said. I don't mean to be one of those ironic bigots who hides behind the 'political correctness gone mad' banner either I am aware that it is a cliche.

A huge amount of time and effort has gone into justifying my position, but ask yourself this... Would the BBC- whose brief is to be entertaining, educational and informative- have allowed the broadcast of disparaiging comments about Mexicans if they were not true?

Boardwalk Empire or My Big fat Gypsy Wedding?

Over the past few weeks several North African countries have had to make painful decisions. Whether to cling on to their authoritarian style of government or to listen to the voice of the populus and hand over the reigns of power in place of a democratic process.



I understand the problems faced by the Egyptian leader which many other people tend to ignore for I have been faced with similar problems, the second problem I will tell you about first. Last week I was faced with the decision to either watch 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' or 'Boardwalk Empire'



I was under pressure from the masses of one person who I live with, to watch Gypsy Weddings, because they had enough of years of Top Gear, World at War and Richard Littlejohn on Sky News.



Cunt.

They wanted some proper TV, TV which isn't gratuitous, which will reveal a previously unseen society which will enlighten us, although they also wanted a TV show with weddings, gypsys, and incidental fairground music in the background (thus reinforcing the stereotype of fairground 'fight you for your pumps' Gypsys.)



I understood that like in North Africa, where the domino effect of revolution is obvious, if I gave in an allowed this programme to be watched eventually I'd completely relinquish control of the remote that I would probably lose the last bastion of power in my somewhat smaller region than North Africa, my living room. This domino effect has seen politcal instability start in Tunisia before spreading to Egypt the Sudan and Jordan.

Talking to a world renound expert in middle eastern studies I was enlightened and came to several conclusions about the current political instability. I hoped that by finding out more about the problems in Egypt and Tunisia, I could work out how to solve my problem of whether to watch Boardwalk Empire or My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. my inquiries led me to a set of universal truths.

1. When news reports show the act of revolution they generally show men with Moustaches waving sticks...



When I was a child I used to play in the back garden and on several occaisions through over exhuberance, I'd kick the ball into my neighbours garden and climb the fence to get the ball. This wasn't a military exercise, mere ball retrieval was my ultimate goal. On the severalth time of going next door to get the ball. my next door neighbour Freddie came out of his house having taken exception to my encroaching on his space and ruining his flowerbeds. He picked up a stick and began waving it in defiance. Of course, newsteams mistook Freddie's anger at me ruining his flowerbeds, for widespread rebellion and so for the following week it was reported that Kingshill Avenue in Hayes Middlesex had been the birthplace of an anti-government movement.

There is a part of me today that wonders, when I see the news if it is actually a revolution or the news networks have just made a similar mistake, confusing an angry nextdoor neighbour with government collapse.















I guess its possible to get them confused.

The second point in question is that the men in these news reports often look like gay 70s men. I found out that Freddie Mercury (no relation to my next door neighbour Freddie, although my next door neighbour was absessed with Freddie Mercury and even changed his name by deed-poll so he could have the same name as his hero.) was actually of Iranian decent.

Mercury also shaped the perception that Moustaches are so masculine that the only thing that can tame the sexual appetite of a man with a moustache, is another man with a moustache, so Mercury wasn't really gay at all, and he was from the middle east, which adds a further dimension to the political situation in the middle east.



I am of course only trying to solve the problems in Egypt and the other places mentioned earlier. I have no intention of getting involved in the Israel Palestine shit storm.





This is all good stuff but does making these points bring us any closer to understanding the political situation of these states and the ramifications it might have on who gets to hold the remote control in my household? Probably not, but maybe this video can enlighten us.







You can clearly see that Man at Arms has a Moustache and when He-man used to be on telly as a child I held the remote control for the time it was on, but it doesn't have very much to do with the political situation in North Africa at all.


I can only understand Mubaraks problems by equating them with my own and the way I dealt with the problem of what to watch was to record My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding on Sky Plus and watch Boardwalk empire while it was on. Therefore, if I solved my problem, then a world leader should be able to solve his.

The answer would be to formulate some giant political sky plus machine so that Egyptians will be able to record and store different political forms of government all while Mubarak can continue dictatorial rule, because as he said, if he were to step down from power there would be chaos.



how it looks now.



...and what it would look like if he stepped down.

Incidentally, I would be happy to take on the role as intermediery between unstable governments and their citizens and also in an advisory role for dictatorships about to fall. I offer my services for this because I have good experience in solving issues like what telly programmes will be on in my household. I also have experience dealing with men (well, a man anyway) with a moustache waving a stick about, which lets face it, at the very core, beneath the concepts of democracy and a decent standard of living and greater freedom for its people, men with moustaches waving sticks and banners and chanting slogans is what revolution is all about.