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Saturday 31 July 2010

Manmachine201's uneasy guide to finding Jesus a job when he rises again.

One of the many things that the bible never mentions was how good Jesus was at carpentry. There is scientific evidence of a genetic link where a father is able to pass his skills in a vocational role to offspring, this is a key study of Cecil R. Reynolds and Elaine Fletcher-Janzen.

The problem here is that although Jesus Christ was brough up by Joseph Christ, Joseph wasn't the father and therefore Jesus wasn't genetically predisposed to carpentry. Apparently Jesus's father was God, and no one is quite sure what God does, he moves in mysterious ways.



As does she.

The Point I am trying to make is that if the bible is totally historically accurate, and if Jesus is going to rise again, then it is going to be very difficult for him to resume his carpentry career because everyone who ever hired him as a carpenter is dead and therefore wouldn't be able to to give a testimonial, also with the rise in DIY and the assention of affordable furniture stores like Ikea, even if his reputation remained in tact he would need to specialize perhaps in the theatre or even in making crosses for church alters, it was a long time ago after all so he should have resolved any issues he may have had with the crucifix.



Perhaps he could make novelty chairs.

There would be a similar problem with Noah from the old testament about 4000 years ago when the earth was only 1000 years old, although at least he can put on his CV that he successfully crafted a boat which could and did hold 2 of every animal in the world, which in itself was a logistical nightmare seeing as the animal kingdom forms a food chain, a problem which Noah obviously foresaw inspite of having a well publicised drink problem.



Rare Holiday snap of Noah in the Wetherspoon in Ararat.

But all this talk of Noah is irrelevant because he isn't coming back, Noah lived for 700 years and has had his fill of life, Jesus on the other hand, only made it to 27 and will have a long time until he retires.

So if he can't make it as a carpenter when he returns, there are some alternatives having had a browse of the new testiment using it as if it were his CV.

I was thinking that his skills for walking on water would give him a great chance of making it as a fisherman, like those guys in the TV series the deadliest catch... but then I read this...

Matthew 4:12-23. And he said to them, "Follow me, and I will make you fish for people."

...Fish for people? I can see that this is going to be a bit more difficult than I thought. If he had have made them fish for fish then that would have indicated that he had some experience in the fishing trade and would therefore qualify him as a fisherman, but Jesus completely failed to understand the basic concept of fishing (ie, catching fish.)

Perhaps a resteraunteur would be more up his street.

Mark 6:41-44"And He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up toward heaven, He blessed the food and broke the loaves and He kept giving them to the disciples to set before them; and He divided up the two fish among them all. 42 They all ate and were satisfied, 43 and they picked up twelve full baskets of the broken pieces, and also of the fish. 44 There were five thousand men who ate the loaves."

The main problem is that his resteraunt would only really serve fish and bread. Hardly going to compete with the fat duck, unless he made the fish look exactly like bread and vice versa.

So we continue the search.

Hospitals? he did manage to cure blindness and in an extreme case managed to bring Lazarus back from the dead... although in todays world doctors are expected to transplant faces.



like that...



or swapping John Travolta's face with Nick Cage.

So it looks like Jesus will have to join the dole queue like everyone else, I mean his skills are out of date, his miracles are hardly a reason to give him a job, its not like he can bend spoons like Uri Gellar or can sit in a box for ages like David Blaine. Perhaps he can retrain, but in the mean time there is always retail just until he gets back on his feet (which have holes in them.)



If retail fails, another job in sales, door to door perhaps?

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