Some More Facts about Gay Marraige.

A recent argument from a leading lobby group trying to block gay marraige claims that changing the legislation could also lead to legislation which would definately lead to the legalisation of polygamy and incest. This is one of the most worrying truths of the issues surrounding gay marraige; if this is passed through, people will eventually be abel to marry their sisters as well as brothers (because gay-incest marraige will also be legal) they will be able to marry everyone they meet at a party, eventually people will be able to marry cats, rats, fish, dogs, bats and cabbages. Elton John will also be able to marry himself.



...or a goat.

Elton John is of course one of the leading voices in favour of gay marraige, as well as being the writer of the lion king soundtrack and being very hostile to Taiwanese journalists and getting really upset during a tennis game because someone said 'cooo-ey' to him, but has he thought seriously about the impact that allowing gays to marry would have on society? We already know that if gay marraige becomes legal then we will have no choice but to legalise polygamy and incest, because some MP's and Bishops said so... and probably paedophillia too, I'm not sure why the MP's and bishops never put that in the leaflet because it is so obviously as true as everything else they are saying... but what other effects will it have on society?



Recent evidence to come out of the archives suggest that the September 11th attacks were not perpetrated by islamist militants, as we have believed for the past decade, they occured as a result of someone on each of the three planes saying the words 'gay marraige' forcing the planes to veer into the twin towers. If gay marraige legislation was to take place then there is a very real threat that every day will be september 11th.



The Fukushima nuclear disaster last year was initially caused by a tsunami and earthquake, but recently physisists discovered several gay marraiges had worked their way into the tectonic plates creating a seizmic shift which not only caused the earthquake and tsunami, but also Hurricane Katrina which devestated New Orleanes a few years ago. There are very real fears that gay marraige will lead to far more natural disasters. Scientists said it so it is definately true.

Going back to the legal issues surrounding gay marraige, which was brought up by the lobbygroup, a recent study found that because of the mechanics of the legislation surrounding it, that if it were to be legalised then there would be no choice but to legalise murder, cannibalisation and genocide. Now I am all for equality but not at the expense of millions of lives.

There are also reports that the upsurge in illegal gay marraiges caused the global financial crisis, by destabalising quantitative easing on the FTSE 100 index. In spite of these carefully researched facts there appear to be more and more people coming out in favour as this following graph shows.



One of the most worrying things about this is that the lines between those who favour and oppose, and all the dots on the graph, when drawn and put together, look like a diseased penis, which is probably a bigger reason to oppose gay marraige than any moral arguments or looking at the historical evidence which suggests that gay marraige is a bad idea.



Part of the problem is that gay people want to have the same rights as everyone else, but feel that by not being allowed to marry they are being treated as second class citizens, so perhaps we need to find another way to reach a concensus, it is obviously very dangerous to allow gay people to marry because it will lead to climate change, a further erosion of the global economy, wars and disasters BUT the fact remains that gay people do deserve to have the same rights as straight people,
(not Adam and Steve...apparently.)

There is probably a way around it, and that would be to ban marraige all together, people who are currently married will all have to get divorced and there will be an upsurge in children born out of wedlock, because wedlock will be illegal. The wedding industry will suffer, but in general the wedding industry is probably on par with pyramid schemes in terms of its racketeering. I want the wedding industry to suffer because they are overcharging savages that I would like to see going bankrupt.

So if gay people can't get married lets have it so no one else is allowed to get married, gay people wouldn't get what they want but at least they would be on an equal footing with straight folk.

there's no such thing as a bad idea?

As the most successful blogger in the world, today, you might see how I don't try so hard anymore when it comes to the uneasy guide to life. If you read back and follow all of the steps, you will have the perfect life, all thanks to my guide what I have put on't internet... thats alright, dont worry... stop it, I do blush! *gush* and all that stuff. If you were to have a philosophy then the uneasy guide to life would be a good philosophy to live by... love everyone, hate black people, love black people and not black people. fight the power, dont fight the power, sit there and conform, fuck yourself, dont fuck yourself. confused? you needn't be, just read the companion piece to the uneasy guide to life...



Lowest form of wit.

Yes, the bible, often blamed for the ills of the world in modern society. We can safely assume that it is not the direct word of God, if indeed God exists, *insert theological argument here* brilliant, you can just pretend you have read a massive long argument that either supports or clashes with your view and you can join my cult/declare the nonexistence of god/declare jihad on me/ shrug your shoulders because you are still no clearer. YOU have 4 choices that I have given you, and numerous more that I didn't offer because you have already decided, you have thought about the correct answer for you and that is great, brilliant, pat yourself on the back.

Thought is a powerful tool, for example, someone thought about the possibility of spliting the atom and suddenly two bombs get dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.



Nice one, we can blame the war, we can blame the Jews, we can blame the coalition, but the route of it was from one mans thought... but thinking is good you say? no, thinking is not good and you are an idiot for thinking that, lets look at the ideas of three thinkers and I will tell you why those thoughts amount to idiocy and usually genocide...

Karl Marx, brilliant, everyone should get on and share their wealth. yes, this is a good idea, but it challenges previous ideas which have also cost millions of lives to maintain. Eg: the Roman empire, superiority, Papal control and all the other things that communists hate, like wealth, unequal distribution of power and stuff like that. Look at him! He looks like father Christmas! people who believe in father christmas are idiots and so are the people who believe in the teachings of Karl Marx. Fools. Not only that, but Marx, the person who concieved the modern notion of socialism, because of his stupid thoughts, led to Leninism, which in turn led to Stalinism, which led to the death of 30 million Russians, Germans and eastern europeans. great... so communism rocks! or communism is shit, but what caused communism?



Next up we have Nietzche, the 'father of modern thought' who stated that God is dead, touched on the idea of a 'superman' or 'ubermensche' and that nothing we do now has any moral relevance to anything, nothing is good or bad, it simply is. I am not saying that this is a bad thing, in fact if used correctly, this way of thinking can help us evolve beyond god and all that gubbins... the only problem is that it ends up being the basis of Nazi thought...6 million dead. Determinism, morality doesn't exist, the only law is that of nature.

This is massively great shit. can't go wrong. Two thoughts 30-40 million dead. Should we continue blaming religion for all of the stuff going wrong or should we just be honest and say rational or irrational, it is all our fault?



Rousseau... the Social Contract, yes, this is all stuff that is supposed to lift us out of the tyranny of monarchy and stuff, what did Rousseau's line of thought lead to? yes, the French Revolution...

I asked the question what was the death toll of the french revolution to www.questionwebsite.com and they said it was over a million, including that of the napoleonic wars, which is brilliant, it takes the three ideas that humans had and shows us the human cost that these human ideas had, not even bothering to incorporate christianity, islam, or any religious ideas I have a rought estimate of 50 million people dying before they should have done... this leads me to the conclusion that any human idea, whether secular or religious is a bad idea and will innevitably lead to the death of millions...

so next time you have an idea, do us all a favour and keep it to yourself.

DIAMOND JUBILEE AMAZING TRUTHS!!!

Courtesy of Sydney Harbourbridge and Mambo Jamberstein, The two most tireless researchers at the university of life. Their best selling book 'The Bible' is available at Waterstones priced £14.99... Although Jamberstein claims not to have written any of it, he actually wrote all the bits about poo and willys.

To Celebrate the Diamond Jubilee, they have tirelessly worked their way through, the British Library, Delphic Oracle, Wikipedia and several thousand internet pornography links to come up with a meticulously meticulous group of AMAZING TRUTHS!!!

• 'the Queen was named after the band Queen'
• Prince Charles has tried to kill his mother in order to take the throne, by dropping a massive anvil from a cliff edge whilst she runs past at high speed below.
• the queen is so revered that if she were to have a limb cut off, another one would grow back, simply because that is what the public want.
• The Queen has matched Marc Almond pint for pint in a cum drinking contest, on at least five occasions.

Almond, unable to consume as much spunk as QE II

• for the silver jubilee, renowned sculptor alexander calder made a bust of the queen out of his own shit as a gift, the queen was so happy with it that she ate it.

Calders more abstract works were rejected for a more conventional sculpture, crafted out of his own faeces.

                                

• Elizabeth II won the crown in a dance off with her sister, Margaret
• When visiting African countries, the Queen is only really happy if the women do a funny dance with their tits flapping about.
• to celebrate making swans the royal bird the queen had all british swans genetically modified so for every 10 eggs they lay the 11th egg will contain a first class stamp.
• Elizabeth II's favourite song to sing at karaoke is Winona's Big Brown Beaver by Primus
• the Queen invented the extendable baton, CS gas and the element Hydrogen.

The Queen invented Hydrogen, which has recently become the most abundent and popular element in the known universe! Congratulations M'aam!

• Queen insists on a branch of the otherwise defunct chain of frozen food stores Bejams to be kept going perpetually within the grounds of Windsor Castle.
• The Queen still believes that the sound of thunder is God moving furniture around in Heaven.
• When Princess Diana died, the Queen had 'Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish' tattooed on her chest.but it was misspelt by the tattooist  'Bud Rabbish', in an English accident. Rabbish was coincidentally a peripheral character in the sequel to Saturday Night Fever, her nipples were the o's in 'good'.
• During her christmas day TV adresses she likes to be naked from the waist down...she also likes to be naked from the waist up, but she's not allowed.

The Queens favourite past time is to dress up as African dictators, she was so convincing dressing up as Robert Mugabe that Peter Thatchel handcuffed himself to her by mistake, with hilarious results.

Tatchell tricked into a protest with the Queen.

• The Queen was the first Russian into space.
• The Queen was the first dog into space.
• The Queen was the first, second and third man on the moon.
• The Queen is the only member of the royal family not to have gone to the moon.
• When the Queen hears the national anthem, her vulva quivers so much that her knickers catch fire.
• Before Elizebeth was born, The Queen Mum gave birth to a hole punch and a pocket calculator, they were twins but royal protocol states that women jump the succession line if born after stationary.

If not for Elizabeths birth, this could have been our monarch. 

• The original melody for 'God Save Our Queen' was the theme music from the 'Benny Hill Show'
• If Bono, lead singer of Irish supergroup U2 ever dies then Royal Protocol dictates that the Queen would take over as the bands enigmatic front person.

Uno, Dos, Tres, Catores!!

I hope you have found enlightenment in our unending search for the AMAZING TRUTHS. We have let nothing stop us from delivering them to you, even reality has been overcome in our quest to deliver the AMAZING TRUTHS. With Special thanks to the Royal Estate, BBC archives, Bono, and especially, Renothy Deekington, Mambo's evil twin, who has kindly fallen asleep long enough for us to escape his layer hidden under a volcano in the pacific to deliver the jubilee special AMAZING TRUTHS!!

Now stay with me on this one...

What with the Beastie Boys Adam Yeuch and Donna summer both secumbing to cancer in the past week, you would think that nothing good could ever come of cancer.

50/50 is a light hearted look at the struggles of a man in his prime getting cancer. It was a fresh approach on such a heavy subject. Seth Rogan plays the tactless buddy of a man coming to terms with the fact that he may not live to see 30. The overall tone of the film leaves you thinking that cancer, although possibly the cruelest disease that exists, is actually quite funny. You might argue that it was the film and how the subject matter was handled that makes it funny but you'd be wrong, and I am not even going to qualify that assertion with evidence, because I don't have to, it is me that is writing this. So there.

If cancer is in fact a funny disease, then it might be that we have been misunderstanding it the whole time... are there any other characteristics about cancer which are endearing or positive? I asked the question on google... "how many russians died of cancer during stalin's reign?" and I yeilded About 29,700,000 results (0.52 seconds.) In spite of the speed which google retrieved a rather hefty amount of website hits, I found it very difficult to gage people who died of cancer, mainly because Stalin wasn't keeping record. This makes it very difficult to know whether Stalin killed more Russians during his time in charge of the USSR than cancer. One thing is for sure, Stalin, who murdered 20 million of his own people during his time running the totalitarian USSR, was not brought to justice by court, he was not hounded to suicide like Hitler was or dragged into the streets and hanged from a lamp post. He got away with it, but although he was killed by a stroke, he probably would have got cancer eventually.

Initially I thought that Josef Stalin did die of cancer, and that would have been a massive boost to my argument that cancer is actually alright and we should stop trying to eradicate it, but it turns out that his daughter died of it instead, and she didn't even like him, but I still have an ace up my sleeve.

Hitler was a complete and utter racist, he and his party tried to kill all the jews in europe, which is a bit harsh, you shouldn't be put to death just for being a jew. The whole apartheid movement was based on the fact that black people were second class citizens in South Africa. Slavery lasted for about 600 years and saw millions of people kidnapped from their homes and forced into labour on the other side of the world. These are all examples of extreme discrimination... and this is something cancer does not do.

It even says it on badges, T shirts and other publications. If people discriminate then that is a bad thing, so in a way, cancer is more enlightened than humanity.

If that argument isn't winning you over then imagine a world with 33% less food, 33% less space and 33% more people, it would be like the opposite of the film 'Castaway' with Tom Hanks and even shitter, if that is even possible to imagine. The world would be really overpopulated and everywhere would be like China, full of chinese people. Since what can only be described as a revolution in medicine, with knowledge advancing at a quicker rate than it ever has done in human existance, we are approaching a point where there is a problem brewing. Cancer is the one thing stopping the shit from really hitting the fan at the moment.

This of course sounds callous and heartless and as it is such a touchy subject I should say that I do want to see cancer cured in my lifetime. BUT I think that instead of throwing away billions on an industry which is searching for a cure, perhaps we should invest that money on finding 33% more safe space for people to live, in anticipation of finding a cure for cancer. Space exploration and preparing parts of space and the moon for population.



So what I am doing now is defending cancer and talking about moon bases, I couldn't see the remotest possibility of anyone taking this seriously, and even for the 1% of you that do, that 1% will think I am mad or would have stopped reading ages ago.

Cancer also provides inspirational stories, when the actor who played Dexter, Michael C. Hall, turned up to the Golden Globes last year, I did not know his name, I had probably heard it, but it didn't stick in my mind, when I found out he had cancer I was touched that he be awarded and I am happy he has recovered from cancer.

Similarly, Lance Armstrong is someone I never knew or cared about, until I found out about his inspirational battle against cancer. I mean, he's a cyclist, I cycle to and from work and I'm not famous, but like Mr Hall, I am touched by his bravery in defeating cancer. Cancer and the celebrities suffering from it work in tandem, because inevitably, the celebrity will use their status to raise awareness for cancer and in turn the cancer will raise their profile...

Cancer can really help people's careers if they survive it. So there, I think people should think hard before wishing to eradicate the one thing inside us that is preventing us from really fucking up. Cancer is humanities self destruct button. It is a fucking horrible disease, but what would be the worst thing about life if it didn't exist? I think its a case of better the devil you know. And it did kill Jade Goody.

The Wrong Carlos.

A study by a group of scholars at Columbia university reveals that in 2009 Carlos De Luna, who was put to death by the American justice system, was put to death simply because of his first name. My aim is not only to clear De Luna's name, but to make sure that the right man is brought to justice. Although as the picture in the Guardian shows but the writers are far too liberal to say (but probably not think) Most people with the name Carlos look like the same person either with or without a moustache.



If you wish to read the news report, you can read it here. But if you don't wan't to, the jist of the report is that because lots of people called Carlos look the same, it led to the wrong man being given the lethal injection. I have carried out my own investigation and have come up with a list of suspects...

1. Carlos the Jeckal



Probably the most likely person to escape being put to death called Carlos, because he was a master of disguise, as the picture below with Carlos shows. it is almost impossible to believe that the two pictures are of the same person.



Convicted of three murders but thought to have killed scores more and injured hundreds; Carlos spent the 60s and 70s fighting Israel and capitalist society in general. He slipped through customs by wearing glasses, alternately growing and shaving off a moustache and having his hair trimmed every now and again... Now seeing as I have not read the article in full about the wrong Carlos being put to death, the untrained eye would probably just assume that this is the right Carlos... but you would be wrong to make that assumption, because Carlos the Jackal isn't even his real name(!!!)

So I am guessing I have to go back to the drawing board on this investigation...

The next suspect is one Carlos Tevez, a man who has never killed anyone, is a particularly dark character. Like the Jackal, he is a mercenary, but unlike the Jackal Tevez is not politically motivated, he is only motivated by money. He was arrested for refusing to play for Manchester City against Bayern Munich, which in itself isn't really a crime worthy of the death sentence, but there is a strong case for removing him from the gene pool for being such a horrible, mercenary, ungrateful and ugly cunt.

The only reason it is unlikely that this is the Carlos that should have been arrested and put to death is because the things that Tevez did happened after De Luna was put to death in 2009. This makes it unlikely that Tevez is the right man, but I will not rule it out, mainly in the hope that he is mistaken for a different Carlos and is arrested, found guilty and put to death by the American Justice system.

Next up is the idea that Carlos Santana may have been the man wanted by the Texas state police for the murder of someone or other. Even though he probably wasn't in the area at the time, he may have been indirectly involved, as most people who listened to the album Supernatural is terrible and it is quite concievable that anyone who has ever listened to it could be driven to want to kill someone. It is fucking terrible and really sad that someone who released an album as cool as Abraxas could go on to release an album as shit as Supernatural.
Of course, none of these are guilty of the crimes that Carlos De Luna was arrested, charged, tried and executed for and beneath all the jokiness and silliness of the conspiracy theories that I pretty much made up on the spot, there are some serious questions that need answering. Can America go on with the death penalty knowing that its system is suseptable to miscarraiges of justice? Why don't people called Carlos get rid of the moustaches, glasses and mexifro's? it looks dodgy and is likely to lead to the death penalty judging by the report from Columbia University.

The final question is what is it about South Americans that makes them statistically more likely to be killed by state machinery leaving the families of the victim with no real recourse for for justice?

If only Jean Charles De Meneses had been called Carlos, it would have completely proved my point.

 

Piss off 'linpiks,

The Olympics is good isn't it? It represents the ultimate playing field of mankind while allowing the world to unite.



There was Jesse Owens flying in the face of Hitlers belief in the master race and the refusal of the US to attend Moscow in 1980 in protest of the Afghanistan invasion. Who would have thought that 30 years later the US would have done exactly the same?! lolz and political in one little paragraph.



There have been times where politics has got in the way of the greatest sporting event on earth. (apart from maybe the World Cup) (and Wimbledon) (and the Monaco Grand Prix) (and the world series of poker) but why should politics spoil the Olympics this year? Particularly because big business has already destroyed it before it has started.

If the public want to go to the main stadium in Stratford, it has been built in a way which you will have to walk through the biggest shopping centre in Europe to get in there, which was purpous built to maximise profits. Add to this the fact that McDonnalds managed to tie up a lucrative deal to be the only food server in the Olympic village. Of course, the athletes housing does not have kitchen facilities, so pole vaulters, weight lifters, sprinters, swimmers and other people who do sports, have no choice but that of the value meal, which might be a big mac, quarterpounder with cheese, 6 chicken nuggets etc... don't get me wrong, I am not anti McDonnalds; there was one time where I woke up, went to maccy Dee's before 10:30am and I ordered 4 double Sausage and Egg McMuffins(tm), came home, ate them and went back to sleep for 3 days, then I woke up and did it again for about 6 weeks.



This doesn't indicate that big business is more important than the actual event, because I choose not to believe that. Even when the evidence mounts and it becomes clear that the majority of tickets that went out went to sponsors to give away as competition prizes or even just to schmooze executives, I would still not believe that the olympics is of secondary importance to generating business for multinationals.


So there is the business thing, Then there is the fact that the town I live in has become a kind of venue for the Olympics, the local park that I walk my dog in has pretty much been closed for the equestrian events, great, I'll take him up to blackheath instead, only when I get to blackheath, I can't walk him there either because that space has been closed so that surface to air missiles can be put in place.



Brilliant. I'll just take the dog back to the flat... only when I get back to the flat there is a fuck off gigantic aircraft carrier in the river by my flat with Helifuckingchoppers...



Awesome. The Olympics is so far simply showing me in idiot proof language that the military industrial complex is not only real, but it is doing its business less than 50 yards away from my flat. If the photo isn't enough, then here are some artist impressions of the boat and the psychological effect it is having on me.



Lovely.

So once it starts the roads close, the frankly archaic transport system melts down due to tourists, and I will probably be even more of a sourpuss than I am now. yay.

Saying that, I am looking forward to watching the tennis and the football on my Telly, because there was no fucking way I was going to get tickets, they were all given away to the sponsors.

and why should we be? we only live here.

Mayoral Election? Aint Nobody got Time fo' Dat.

The dust has settled on the London Mayoral election, the battle may have seemed to be about personalities, on the one side, Bolshie Ken Livingstone, the less upper class competitor in the battle, and the least less upper class one Boris Johnson. Anyone who ever listened in school to the teacher that corrected a semi literate child will notice that I just used a double negative.




This means that Boris Johnson is more posh than Livingstone, but this ain't no pissing contest. The best person to run London, does not necessarily have to be more or less posh to have the credentials.

One of the most important things about this elections is not the pitching the man behind the Bendy Bus against the man who popularized the Boris Bike. Only 12% of the population of London voted. Boris Johnson believes that for a strike to be official 50% of a union needs to vote. If this is the case then he can't believe that his tenure as London Mayor is valid. Just saying.

What does this low turnout for the election say about Britain? How can we tow the line for a mayor that wasn't voted in by an actual majority? Is there a third rhetorical question I can ask to make up the rule of three? lets find out.

Well, usually a low turnout indicates that the population have lost faith in the government, this is what happened in Germany which led to Hitler getting into power, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that Boris Johnson is Hitler, although he does look a bit like a mutant version of an Aryan.



However, 'Hitler' is exactly how Livingstone described Johnson when he stated: "It's a simple choice between good and evil. I don't think it has been so clear since the great struggle between Churchill and Hitler... Those who don't vote for me will be weighed in the balance come Judgment Day. The Archangel Gabriel will say, 'You didn't vote for Ken Livingstone in 2012. Oh dear, burn for ever. Your skin flayed for all eternity"

So essentially, Hitler is now in power in London.

But back to the questions... what could have made the public so disenfranchised that the majority never bothered going to the polls?



Probably the fact that it is more evident than ever that the government are putting the interests of big business before the needs of the electorate.

News International's push to get the conservatives into power shows us three things, as does the picture above of David Cameron, Rebbekah Brooks and a horse. It shows us that:

•  News International have immense power over the British public
• News International felt that a tory government would have benefited them more than a Labour government.
• And that the British public are fucking idiots, which we will compare to David Cameron in the picture and not the horse in the above picture.

So as in those elections, the London Mayoral election, although having several candidates, we were left with the choice of the cunt in the red tie, or the cunt in the blue tie. Both of whom would have probably had little choice but to cosy up to big business in order to keep their companies trading from London and thus keep unemployment reasonably low, and keep the tax revenue coming in. The previous government took the drastic step of buying several banks which the current government gave back to them at a massive loss. Of course, this is our fault, because we voted these people in. Neither government is accountable because they believed they were acting in the best interests of the electorate at the time that the decisions were made.



Now of course there is this austerity thingy going on, we are now in what the pundits are calling a double dip recession. Hurrah! I don't know what this means but what I do know is who the government is blaming for it, and that is the previous government. The Previous government in turn are blaming the current government. So where is the money?



Not there...



...Nope not there either.



That's an expensive looking building...

While we are being hit with pay freezes, tax hikes and benefits being slashed, the banking industry is celebrating 'record profits'. It says it in the news and everything, and if it says it in the news, it must be true.



Yes, thats the Sun newspaper accusing bankers of moral bankruptcy, in other news, a pot is on trial for making racist comments about a kettle, calling it 'black'.

Of course, this is all getting very very political, and the only time I generally get a large number of hits on this page is when I put pictures of herpes ridden penis's on here...

So here goes...



Theyeeis!!

We are waking up to the cold hard reality that our government are slippery fuckers, they have and still are making us pay for their mistakes. They congratulate themselves on putting rental bikes outside tube stations, and vilify the bendy bus, because that is what is important to people in London, being able to get to work so we can work for these large businesses making us all so desperately unhappy.



But Hey! at least we have a mayor with a comedy haircut to keep us distracted until the six weeks holidays when the kids will no doubt take to the streets and loot JD sports and PC world. There is a rather large part of me that wants to go out and join them out of sheer frustration.

So to sum up, Boris Johnson probably isn't Hitler; scrapping 5000 bendy busses is not the same as the attempted anihilation of European jewry, but he is a twat, just like Livingstone.