McQueen in a bizarre picture which resembles what he might look like hanging, which in itself is strange considering recent events.
McQueen had been struggling to cope since the death of his mother last week. It is thought that McQueens mother had died of the stress of being a homosexual. Anyone who read Jane Moirs article about the death of Steven Gately will know that any homosexuality will lead to death. In Gately's case it was his own death, and in the case of McQueen, his own mother, and ultimately himself.
Her Face is bigger than her head... probably one of many reasons she hates gays.
I am of course being ironic and a little bit glib, which may seem cold of me but I didn't really get the chance to have a little dig at the daily mail. Ultimately it is more difficult to identify the bigger tragedy. Alexander McQueen or the fact that I'm not sure what the words glib and ironic mean even though I use them all the time.
But on a more positive note, even though McQueen hanged himself, at least his mother isn't going to be upset about his suicide because she is already dead. And even if she wasn't she wouldn't have been ashamed because Alexander actually wanted to hang himself, it wasn't a bizarre wank death like David Carradine, Michael Hutchins or that MP who got found with the orange in his mouth.
To celebrate the fact that McQueen died a clean death and not one of those mucky sex deaths, I'm going to review some of the best creams on the market for using as a masturbation aid. Of course, there are certain criteria that need to be met. they can't be too squelchy, too dry, they can't burn like deep heat does, they shouldn't have sand in them, or glass like some foot creams do, anyways, here they are.
Body shop coco butter is very good, just a small amount can keep you going for about 10 minutes which is about all you need unless you want one of those really long lazy wanks, in which case it might be better to use the johnson & johnson baby oil. Also, it keeps your penis youthful and refreshed. Issues only arise when if you get caught short there is a really obvious smell of coco butter which could be the final piece when added together with the skittishness, trying to hide an erection and the quick minimisation of grot links online.
Star rating 4 hotdogs.
Longest lasting being oil based and not waterbased, which means it takes a long time to get absorbed by the skin. the only issue is that it is a bit wierd using something that was made for babies as a jerk off tool, its kind of a bit noncey.
Star rating 2.5 hotdogs
Don't let the fact that it is for men fool you, you don't have to be gay to use this to jerk off, in fact you don't have to be gay to die from the autosphyxiwank, in fact I am pretty sure that all the people I used as examples who autosphyxiwanked themselves to death were n fact straight men, which is getting off the point, which is reviewing this cream as a toss off tool. It doesn't last long enough and it is a big sluggish.
Star rating. 3 hotdogs.
Probably the best of all jerking off equipment because it is oil based, doesn't smell like coco butter or baby oil and offers a decent amount of resistance so as not to make it too easy for you. Ideal for both a quicky or the hour-long-athons and virtually undetectable to sense of smell for if you need to cover up quickly to avoid being caught by your mum... in many independant tests this always comes top. it is also the cheapest one at around 97p. thats less than £1 for about 3 months worth of self abuse.
Star rating 5 hotdogs.
So, what started out as a heartfelt tribute to a wonderful British fashion designer and icon of Cool Britannia took a homophobic albeit tongue in cheek turn before just degenerating into a blog about wanking. I do also write childrens stories although I have a feeling it would be illegal to actually read them to children.
I'm fucking off now because I have just made myself feel ashamed, although not enough to delete this blog.
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