This being no doubt the absolute pinnacle of online persona's.
Profile Pictures
As it is the thing that you will instantly be judged on its probably the best place to start, this is the first hurdle, and you don't want to be falling here, you want to be a winner.
An example of a winning profile picture
So, what kind of image do you want the other internet people to first see?
you could do the moody black and white profile picture.
If this is the one you want to go for, it is of the utmost importance that you don't choose a picture of yourself looking straight at the camera, because that is the money shot, and if you want to be dark and mysterious, you need to avoid eye contact with the potential viewer of your profile. of course if you are a seasoned pro like the following example, you can look directly at the camera, providing there is some kind of frame (e.g. hands) to add a barrier between you and profile viewer.
Other barriers include sunglasses, eye contact via a mirror, from behind a window, that sort of thing.
If you want to take a less serious appproach it might be better if you just used a normal colour picture, if you're good looking then a close up face shot, if you have big breasts then a pic of yourself in a low cut tight top. Although that said, this will only enhance your profile if you're a female, big breasts on men are for some reason frowned upon.
In general, its okay to have bright colourful pics with groups of friends smiling and laughing, it implies you are a social and are inclusive in your approach to others, which is surely what creating an online profile is all about. At the very least, if you have no friends to have your photo taken with, or even to take a photo of you, just smile, appear happy and people will assume that you're fun.
thats it girl, work it.
So far so good. But now you have to dazzle the potential reader with information about you, to make yourself seem desirable to the opposite sex, or at the very least, cool/funny/clever etc... What interests do you have? Do you want to be; glib, highbrow, funny, honest or just plain cool? lets see some examples.
this is the sort of shit that people fill the interests box with
So, it is almost alright to write anything in here because at worst, people will simply think you're being ironic kitsch or genuinely the coolest muthafucker on the planet. Best give them some semblance of an idea of what it is that you are actually interested in though, you don't want to be exposed as a liar later on.
Music
An important one. We either want to be unashamedly populist, or far too cool for school. No middle of the road act should be on this list, even if you are being ironic. Bon Jovi and Bryan Adams are a no no, ABBA, the village people and any disco group circa 1978 are acceptable, don't ask me, I don't make the rules. This area is extremely grey in certain respects, you want to show a well rounded knowledge either way, therefore, lots of people put bands on that they have never heard, to add to the cool credentials.
Suicide, Neu!, Sigue Sigue Sputnik, James Yorkston, Billy Bragg, and Roni Size often fall into this category and this is fair enough, you want to employ a sound knowledge of music. Lie as much as you want, or don't lie at all, just don't tread the middle ground. If you say you like the kings of leon, for whatever reason, your life on the internet is over.
NO!
Whilst on the point of music, if you decide to just list the music on your Ipod, you need to make sure that you use the alphabetic in order of surname rule. We can't have the Beatles sat alongside David Bowie, it just wouldn't be proper.
Books
Without doubt, the first book you list is JD Salinger's Catcher in the Rye. I have no idea why, it is simply a rule that has to be obeyed, like a full stop at the end of a sentence and a capital letter at the beginning, anything else and you would be a liar, even if you were telling the truth.
I personally have never read this book but I would never break any form of internet code by not including it. From here, it depends on your ability to read, the Da Vinci Code is a common one, if you are a loser it might be prudent that you simply Having done courses on Greek Mythology, I can happily include Hesiods Theogony and Ovid's Metomorphosis in my reading lists even though I have only read critiques of them thus making me seem far more intelligent than I actually am.
Films.
You need to have a grasp on which directors are good for this one, you can quite easily hit up the john hughes films if you wish, there is no shame in quoting the Breakfast club, but dunston checks in and babies day out should only be quoted if you are an absolute film nerd. 2001 a space Odyssey, Bladerunner and Star Wars are fine to cite as favourites, they are all good too. Another standard is "Shawshank Redemption" for some reason everyone loves this film even though its fucking rubbish.
So yeah, its shawshank redemption that you have to start your profile with in the films section. Disney films are either a no,no, or something you should start your profile with for a joke, but never do it inbetween normal films. If anything, any Tarkovsky film, anything by Joderowski, anything by Polanski or Jon Luc Godard, anything with Bruno Ganz, or by the Coen Brothers, the rest of it, NO.
Of course, none of this will make you cooler smarter or more appealing to the opposite sex, in fact the only reason you are online creating an online profile, is because you are a failure, we're all failures, and thats the most beautiful thing about being online, we're all fucked and it doesn't matter. YAY!
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