manmachine201's uneasy guide to bristol & bolton

A bonus blog containing a picture of Gail Platt sunbathing topless.



Because it is really sexy.

manmachine201's uneasy guide to making volcano's stop.

1. completely ban the use of aircraft forever, its obviously what it wants.


doesn't like planes either.

2. feed it chelsea fans if it doesn't stop, feed it more chelsea fans, eventually you can feed it the chelsea team, and the chelsea owner. if that doesn't work then at least you tried.



3. Watch any hollywood disaster movie and use the resolutions from each film until you have successfully extinguished the volcano.


too old for this shit etc.

4. Just go to Bognor Regis instead of Spain and let the volcano have its fun, it only does it once every 200 or so years.

5. Get Godzilla to lay an egg on top of it. if Godzilla doesn't exist then use genetic engineering to create a giant lizard, call that lizard Godzilla and get it to lay an egg on top of it.

6. instead of extinguishing it just ignore it and hope that it goes away.



7. blame immigrants.



their fault, everything. all of it.

8. blame the coalition government.



impressive penis david, but what about the ash cloud?

9. blaming people isn't going to solve anything you silly fuckers.

10. remember what Proffesor Brian Cox said about it... I'd remind you but I've forgotten.

11. accept that it is probably the work of a god or extra terrestrial, try to reason with the god or extra terrestrial.


a god or an extra terrestrial.

12. this list is pointless we can no more stop a volcano than I can stick get 3 of my fingers which are trapped from out of the corpse of a nun.

no. there will be no jpg image of a dead nun here, I want to keep this image for myself. on my hard drive.

Manmachine201's uneasy guide to time travel, tron and the real life.

Recently I was speaking to a man in regard to my vocation, and I asked him for his e-mail so that I could contact him further in case any issues arose. "I don't have internet mate. I like the real world!" I seriously thought that these people didn't exist anymore. The people that refused to use the internet in the 90s because they thought that the web was for spotty geeks. Of course, the web is for spotty geeks but at least the vast majority of the world population with access to the internet admit that they are nerds.

Lots of questions entered my mind. how does this man do internet shopping without the internet? How does he check his facebook? do people send him status updates by post?



How does he look at Porn?



Pawn. not to be confused with Prawn...



or...



Porn.

I asked him if he had ever thought of the possibility that we are in fact already in a computer simulation similar to that of the film the matrix.

He said he "had never seen the matrix because he doesn't have a subscription to love film on account of it being easiest to access on the internet". "I said what about telly?" he "didn't have one because the shops were sold out and he couldn't order one online so your frame of reference is completely lost on me."

He then went on to say that his "fear of technology was routed in an event which occured in the 80s" when he went "on an arcade machine which sucked him up into a neon world where everything was either green blue or red." He "had to fight against Jeff Bridges to the death in a game of lines."



I said "are you sure you're not mistaking your own life for the film tron?" and he said "oh yes. Sorry."

At that point I realized he was probably from the 80s and had got here in a time machine.

"how did you get here today? Just out of curiosity." I said, to which he replied..."a time machine."



"No! not that one stupid." He said when I inferred that the time machine might be a DeLorean. "It was this one"...



Of course! A hot-tub.

The ideas of time travel have baffled scientists philiosophers and philanderers since time began, perhaps before. So how come this man has managed to get access to one when he can't even use the fucking internet?

Simple, he got in a hot tub in the 80s and it took him into the future like some tardis shaped like a jacuzzi. Does it defy the laws of physics? yes, but then again he defied the laws of the land by stealing my wallet, so whats to say he has respect for any laws or bylaws or regulations or even protocols which keep our world in order?



Black.

It turns out that Hot Tubs and physics are intriniscally linked. Archimedes was in one, and came to within a minute of discovering time travel but his skin was starting to get wrinkley, so he got out. then he discovered that the waterline goes down when you get out of the bath instead. the fucking twat, everyone knows that.



It turns out that Isaac Newton, Galileo, Charles Darwin, Steven Hawking, Albert Einstein, Albert Steptoe and Uncle Albert from Only Fools & Horses all had hot tubs and they all pushed the bounderies of science further than people who didn't have a hot tub.



some of them probably looked like that.

So maybe we shouldn't be so hard on the film Hot Tub Time Machine, because it is actually closer to the principles of time travel than one would care to admit. Except why the fuck would anyone want to go back to the 80s? The 80s were shit, food in schools stopped being subsidised, all anyone had to play with was a rubics cube. TV was only on until midnight and there were only 4 channels (3 before 1984) and the best band at the time was Duran Duran, who was a massive cunt and the tories were in power.

So there we go, ultimately we are back to square one. I'm playing pac man, the internet doesn't exist anymore, the cold war is still on and I'm starting to agree that maybe I have been using the internet for too long because I am not making much sense anymore. I'm going back to the 80s to chase girls.



80s. it had women in it.

Antisemitism on the South Western.

Today I was on a train on the way home from Purgatory and no doubt heading for some other Mythical place, lets call it Narnia, no fuck it, I'll call it Lewisham.



Yes, lets call it Lewisham.

There were a groups of drunk posh girls on the train being really loud and playing an alphabet game where they had to recall the name of a capital city in alphabetical order. Sierra Leone was their answer for S, which just goes to show that a private education is a waste of money. X was Xylophone. Z was Zurich, because felicity's daddy lives there 7 months a year.



oh ya! yah! ya! yah! ya! they kept making that noise, my ipod battery ran out.

After they fisinshed this game they moved on to flowers, which they got through quickly, after that they moved on to reptiles. A was aligator C was chameleon, but they started to struggle when they got to J.

It was at this point that I piped up and shouted loudly "Jews!" Everyone, and I mean everyone on the carraige pissed themselves laughing. Now I know that I could have offended someone by saying that, and that it is a horrible racist thing to say and that in places like Germany you could get arrested for it, but at least I proved something. The people who laughed on that train were discusting, and It just goes to show you, there are a lot of Anti-Semites on the train going to Kent.



Now I'm going to take legal action against Apple because their Ipod battery life is shit and caused me to say something which could have resulted in my arrest if I was in Germany.

Manmachine201's guide to the General Election

Rightyo, lots of words have rolled out of mouths and from the fingertips of typers to keyboards about the political future of Great Britain. A hung Parliament hasn't occured since some time in the past that I can't be bothered to look up. There is defiance and anger in equal measure from both Labour and Conservative Leaders MP's and suppoerters alike...
But would it be as bad if the word Election was replaced with the word erection. I think people wouldn't be so worried and that there wouldn't be widespread panic that the next interrim government will not be able to deal with the financial crisis and that we will all end up like the Greece.



Their buildings don't even have roofs anymore.

So anyway. I spent the day saying erection instead of election and everyone found it very funny...



Except him.



And him. He was quoted as saying "thats purile and I don't like it."



This was the face Cameron pulled when I said general erection instead of general election.

So according to Eamon Holmes, the parliament was 'Well Hung'...



Parliament, a 5 years old Donkey, in a sanctuary. In Sidmouth, Devon. Not to be confused with Parliament, a 700 year old, in distress. in Westminster, London.

So, all this parliament type stuff has given the news a very political edge. As feared, no party managed to gain a majority in the cabinet. there are 650 seats in the cabinet, which I fend strange because I went to Ikea looking for another cabinet with less seats so that we could maybe settle the deadlock with a game of musical chairs. It turns out that they don't even sell cabinets with seats in them. This only proves conclusively what we have been suspecting all along, after the expenses scandal and all the cash for fabours shenanigans. The Government are fucking lying to us.



You can't fit 650 people in here.

This leads me to believe that the MP's probably had a cabinet especially made with shitloads of seats inside it. And they probably paid for it with our tax payers money... although saying that I don't pay council tax because I never registered and I never declare any earnings I have so I don't really pay any tax at all, I only drive stolen cars, so I don't pay tax, but anyone reading this should be really fucking annoyed. And it was this stupid amount of chairs inside a fucking cabinet that has caused all these problems. If they had less seats then this problem would never occured, So once again the greed of MP's rears its ugly head again. not only do they charge porno films to the tax payer, and having their moats cleared. and not declaring their top hats for tax purpouses while eating caviar made of diamonds and wiping their arses with special toilet paper from space, all with the taxpayers money. They are fucking scum. Well not all of them.

Some of my favourite MP's are Glenda Jackson who was an actress in the 60s & 70s. she held on to her seat in Hampstead & Kilburn, in spite of a targeted assault from the Conservatives. I like Glenda Jackson because when she was in films she got her boobs and her bush out.


Another of my favourite MP's is Ed Balls... pretty simple really Ed Balls. If you look him up in the phone book then it would say Balls, Ed.



Balls.

So, here we are, in a standoff, Brown still in power although a vast majority didn't vote for him to be there. No one wants Cameron to be the next prime minister, apart from the odd exception that proves the rule, like the millions of people who voted Tory. The fucking idiots. All the people who were going to vote for Clegg and the Liberals must have forgot the election was yesterday. Its an easy mistake to make.

Perhaps all the people asked on youpoll who said they were voting for Clegg thought they were being asked another question, like "which one out of those three on the telly was nick clegg?" which is strange because only 26% of people got it right.

So yeah. Its all going mental, I turn on the news channel and it just seems to be all over it. It is almost exactly like September 11th, except pictures of falling buildings have been replaced with pie charts and men in suits waving their arms. The economy is suffering, which is worrying because it had been doing really well before that, but hopefully there will be another general election in the next few months.

So I guess, its well done Gordon Brown. you are still the Prime Minister.



Dancing to 'stayin alive' by the Bee Gee's with 'that bigoted woman'. Kindly arranged by Sue.

Manmachine201's eneasy guide to democracy

Yes, this week, just to be different to all the other billions of bloggers out there this week I'm going to have a crack at democracy politics, freedom of speech and all that sort of shit.



Grodon Brown, warming up for Carl Cox on the decks at Pacha, Ibiza 2009.

Our Prime Minister Gordon Brown, the man who is steering us through an economic crisis of biblical proportions (inasmuch as it might force people to wake up and see that the concept of money isn't real, it is a man made hypothesis and means absolutely nothing. If it is man made it shouldn't fail, because it is designed by us to perform a function for us and if it fails we should try to create something else in its place.) was yesterday attacked by an old woman.



She said something along the lines of "all these foreigners com ooover ear and teak or jobs by gum," or some other garble that elderly people seem preprogrammed to say once they've had a sherry doewn them. Don't get me wrong, I sat down the year after Princess Diana died and listened to my gran all pissed up commentating on the Queens speech and it was fucking hilarious! Old people do say the funniest things.

However, these people who throw eggs at politicians and decide to "Give them a piece of their mind," shouldn't expect to get off scott free. Gordon Brown is a citizen like us, and like us he has the right to express his opinion. In his opinion she was a biggotted old bag, so let him express that. He should have broadcast it in a party political debate instead of trying to be all PR savvy, like the other cunts vying to take control of us, the people of Great Britain. Would she have had the balls to do that to John Prescott?



The last pensioner to fuck with Prescott.

If it was me I'd have punched her in the throat and taken her bag, keys identification and any money she had on her. In fact I'd have marched her to a cash point and demanded she take out the nest egg she promised for her grand kids, fuck'em, they'd grow up to be just like her. They are just as big a cunt as she is.

As for Gordon Brown, how fucking weak are you, you let some old bint damage your credibility, which is shot to fuck anyway, grow a spine man, you're supposed to be running this country in a time where Arab mentals want to wipe us off the face of the earth, and people are coming to terms with the fact that money does not actually have any relevance to the advancement of the human race, in the same way that a Golden Ticket in Charlie & the Chololate factory only gave a lucky few a tour of the nice things.



would you like me to run your country for you?

So We have 2 weeks before we decide whether we vote for the blue one, the yellow one or the red one. I am spending my days removing literature from the floor of directly in front of my letterbox, telling me that I would be better off under LAB/CON/GREEN/UKIP/BNP/GREEN and honestly, it is melting my head, they are all saying almost exactly the same thing. that the other one is a nazi/communist, that they'd sort out immigration/ jobs/public service/stem the flow of bullshit that comes from being a politician.

Democracy didn't work in Greece, the first place that democracy came from, they squabled and squabled and squabled and squabled until they were invaded by the Macedonians, who made the Greeks look good. when they were ruled by an Emperor, then came the Romans, again, a republic failed and only excelled when ruled by an autocratic leader. when was Germany most successful? when was Russia most successful?

Just think of this when you're all queuing up to vote for A,B,or C. it means nothing, they are all going to tow the line, doing as America says and notgetting too involved in Europe because Rupert Murdoch says that is a bad idea.

Therefore, why should we settle it using the voting system, why does david Cameron not simply challenge Brown to a duel and we decide who has the minerals to lead us that way. Its much more simple than using double speak to confuse us into voting and will apeal to my base instincts instead of my morals and principles, which as you can tell are probably flawed anyway. I want to see a politicians severed headamd I'd vote for a man who can show me that, even if he is another fucking politician.



I will always resist the urge to show severed heads where I can.

Anyway, Vera Fuckworth or whatever that old hag was called is a cunt, I have a right to think that and I have a right to express it, even if the media are painting a fragile old misguided lady.

manmachine201 gets nudged into action.

When I was a child I was involved in a school play and had a minor role as one of the nine drummers drumming in the 12 days of Christmas song. Naturally I blew my cue needing to be nudged into action by a co-star.



Luis Guzman is a typical co-star, you wouldn't consider giving him a leading role because he is not Robert Pattinson and has developped a bit of a reputation as a man who can't be trusted after playing a turncoat in Carlitos way. If Harrison Ford played someone not trustworthy then he would be forgiven by the next film because he is Harrison Ford, he played Han Solo and Indiana Jones, an archytypal American Hero Whereas Guzman looks a bit shifty and never got the role of Indiana Jones.

People dont often believe me when I tell them that Luis Guzman was the co-star in my play, but it is true. Luis Guzman of films such as Carlitos Way and Magnolia, and TV series such as Oz and New York Undercover, was actually the person who nudged me to let me know I had missed my marker.

This was the face he was pulling...



A face that says, "dude, you've just missed your cue."

Funnily enough there are people who could constantly leave you feeling like you have missed your cue.



The many faces of Roman Abramovic.

Funnily enough Roman was also one of the 9 drummers drumming. That sounds even harder to believe giving the age difference and the fact that Abramovic was brought up in Communist Russia, but Roman was involved in a student exchange programme leading him to be at the same school as me for a few weeks thus becoming one of the 9 drummers drumming.

Another person who many have trouble trusting is Tony Blair the former Prime Minister, perhaps a politician who became addicted to war. Perhaps he told lies to get us into a long war of attrician with several muslim states, maybe he lied about killing advisors of the government, we'll probably never know.



Maybe at my next school reunion I'll ask him, because, yes, you've guessed it. Blair was another one of the 9 drummers drumming.

The more cynical amongst you may even accuse me of making up this story because I've found a load of pictures of people that only half smile in certain pictures after accidentally coming across a picture of luis Guzman with an ambiguous facial expression, you might say what next Mona Lisa is one of the 9 drummers drumming?

Well strangely enough, in spite of your cynicism, and the fact that it becomes beyond the realm of probablility, Yes the Mona Lisa was yet another of the 9 drummers drumming, and she turned to me as I missed my cue and she pulled this face...



It was a little bit scary to be honest to find myself with these various people who would eventually take various positions in society, be it actor or politician, or back street abortionist, and here was me missing my cue.

Of course Brian Epstein and the Beatles were the other 5 of the 9 drummers drumming.



Stupid!

What I am trying to say is that sometimes we are all Luis Guzman, and even at a pinch we can be the other people mentioned in this blog. Sometimes, we start with the idea about doing a guide to being an uncle and get so sidetracked by the idea of Luis Guzman that we get really confused to the point where we can't find our trail of thought and end up harping on about that day when we fluffed a line in a school play... ah well. ho hum.

There are other occasions where we are the ones that seem to have missed our cue. The only thing we can do in this situation is that we make sure we have enough money in our account to afford bus fare to a job interview, or at least to ask Paul if you can join his band, or ask Tony Blair if we can fuck up some small nation so that we can line our pockets, but we do miss our cues. The best thing to do is to roll with the punches, try to look out for the next opportunity and most importantly Smile for the cameras.



Or Don't.