Now stay with me on this one...

What with the Beastie Boys Adam Yeuch and Donna summer both secumbing to cancer in the past week, you would think that nothing good could ever come of cancer.

50/50 is a light hearted look at the struggles of a man in his prime getting cancer. It was a fresh approach on such a heavy subject. Seth Rogan plays the tactless buddy of a man coming to terms with the fact that he may not live to see 30. The overall tone of the film leaves you thinking that cancer, although possibly the cruelest disease that exists, is actually quite funny. You might argue that it was the film and how the subject matter was handled that makes it funny but you'd be wrong, and I am not even going to qualify that assertion with evidence, because I don't have to, it is me that is writing this. So there.

If cancer is in fact a funny disease, then it might be that we have been misunderstanding it the whole time... are there any other characteristics about cancer which are endearing or positive? I asked the question on google... "how many russians died of cancer during stalin's reign?" and I yeilded About 29,700,000 results (0.52 seconds.) In spite of the speed which google retrieved a rather hefty amount of website hits, I found it very difficult to gage people who died of cancer, mainly because Stalin wasn't keeping record. This makes it very difficult to know whether Stalin killed more Russians during his time in charge of the USSR than cancer. One thing is for sure, Stalin, who murdered 20 million of his own people during his time running the totalitarian USSR, was not brought to justice by court, he was not hounded to suicide like Hitler was or dragged into the streets and hanged from a lamp post. He got away with it, but although he was killed by a stroke, he probably would have got cancer eventually.

Initially I thought that Josef Stalin did die of cancer, and that would have been a massive boost to my argument that cancer is actually alright and we should stop trying to eradicate it, but it turns out that his daughter died of it instead, and she didn't even like him, but I still have an ace up my sleeve.

Hitler was a complete and utter racist, he and his party tried to kill all the jews in europe, which is a bit harsh, you shouldn't be put to death just for being a jew. The whole apartheid movement was based on the fact that black people were second class citizens in South Africa. Slavery lasted for about 600 years and saw millions of people kidnapped from their homes and forced into labour on the other side of the world. These are all examples of extreme discrimination... and this is something cancer does not do.

It even says it on badges, T shirts and other publications. If people discriminate then that is a bad thing, so in a way, cancer is more enlightened than humanity.

If that argument isn't winning you over then imagine a world with 33% less food, 33% less space and 33% more people, it would be like the opposite of the film 'Castaway' with Tom Hanks and even shitter, if that is even possible to imagine. The world would be really overpopulated and everywhere would be like China, full of chinese people. Since what can only be described as a revolution in medicine, with knowledge advancing at a quicker rate than it ever has done in human existance, we are approaching a point where there is a problem brewing. Cancer is the one thing stopping the shit from really hitting the fan at the moment.

This of course sounds callous and heartless and as it is such a touchy subject I should say that I do want to see cancer cured in my lifetime. BUT I think that instead of throwing away billions on an industry which is searching for a cure, perhaps we should invest that money on finding 33% more safe space for people to live, in anticipation of finding a cure for cancer. Space exploration and preparing parts of space and the moon for population.



So what I am doing now is defending cancer and talking about moon bases, I couldn't see the remotest possibility of anyone taking this seriously, and even for the 1% of you that do, that 1% will think I am mad or would have stopped reading ages ago.

Cancer also provides inspirational stories, when the actor who played Dexter, Michael C. Hall, turned up to the Golden Globes last year, I did not know his name, I had probably heard it, but it didn't stick in my mind, when I found out he had cancer I was touched that he be awarded and I am happy he has recovered from cancer.

Similarly, Lance Armstrong is someone I never knew or cared about, until I found out about his inspirational battle against cancer. I mean, he's a cyclist, I cycle to and from work and I'm not famous, but like Mr Hall, I am touched by his bravery in defeating cancer. Cancer and the celebrities suffering from it work in tandem, because inevitably, the celebrity will use their status to raise awareness for cancer and in turn the cancer will raise their profile...

Cancer can really help people's careers if they survive it. So there, I think people should think hard before wishing to eradicate the one thing inside us that is preventing us from really fucking up. Cancer is humanities self destruct button. It is a fucking horrible disease, but what would be the worst thing about life if it didn't exist? I think its a case of better the devil you know. And it did kill Jade Goody.

The Wrong Carlos.

A study by a group of scholars at Columbia university reveals that in 2009 Carlos De Luna, who was put to death by the American justice system, was put to death simply because of his first name. My aim is not only to clear De Luna's name, but to make sure that the right man is brought to justice. Although as the picture in the Guardian shows but the writers are far too liberal to say (but probably not think) Most people with the name Carlos look like the same person either with or without a moustache.



If you wish to read the news report, you can read it here. But if you don't wan't to, the jist of the report is that because lots of people called Carlos look the same, it led to the wrong man being given the lethal injection. I have carried out my own investigation and have come up with a list of suspects...

1. Carlos the Jeckal



Probably the most likely person to escape being put to death called Carlos, because he was a master of disguise, as the picture below with Carlos shows. it is almost impossible to believe that the two pictures are of the same person.



Convicted of three murders but thought to have killed scores more and injured hundreds; Carlos spent the 60s and 70s fighting Israel and capitalist society in general. He slipped through customs by wearing glasses, alternately growing and shaving off a moustache and having his hair trimmed every now and again... Now seeing as I have not read the article in full about the wrong Carlos being put to death, the untrained eye would probably just assume that this is the right Carlos... but you would be wrong to make that assumption, because Carlos the Jackal isn't even his real name(!!!)

So I am guessing I have to go back to the drawing board on this investigation...

The next suspect is one Carlos Tevez, a man who has never killed anyone, is a particularly dark character. Like the Jackal, he is a mercenary, but unlike the Jackal Tevez is not politically motivated, he is only motivated by money. He was arrested for refusing to play for Manchester City against Bayern Munich, which in itself isn't really a crime worthy of the death sentence, but there is a strong case for removing him from the gene pool for being such a horrible, mercenary, ungrateful and ugly cunt.

The only reason it is unlikely that this is the Carlos that should have been arrested and put to death is because the things that Tevez did happened after De Luna was put to death in 2009. This makes it unlikely that Tevez is the right man, but I will not rule it out, mainly in the hope that he is mistaken for a different Carlos and is arrested, found guilty and put to death by the American Justice system.

Next up is the idea that Carlos Santana may have been the man wanted by the Texas state police for the murder of someone or other. Even though he probably wasn't in the area at the time, he may have been indirectly involved, as most people who listened to the album Supernatural is terrible and it is quite concievable that anyone who has ever listened to it could be driven to want to kill someone. It is fucking terrible and really sad that someone who released an album as cool as Abraxas could go on to release an album as shit as Supernatural.
Of course, none of these are guilty of the crimes that Carlos De Luna was arrested, charged, tried and executed for and beneath all the jokiness and silliness of the conspiracy theories that I pretty much made up on the spot, there are some serious questions that need answering. Can America go on with the death penalty knowing that its system is suseptable to miscarraiges of justice? Why don't people called Carlos get rid of the moustaches, glasses and mexifro's? it looks dodgy and is likely to lead to the death penalty judging by the report from Columbia University.

The final question is what is it about South Americans that makes them statistically more likely to be killed by state machinery leaving the families of the victim with no real recourse for for justice?

If only Jean Charles De Meneses had been called Carlos, it would have completely proved my point.

 

Piss off 'linpiks,

The Olympics is good isn't it? It represents the ultimate playing field of mankind while allowing the world to unite.



There was Jesse Owens flying in the face of Hitlers belief in the master race and the refusal of the US to attend Moscow in 1980 in protest of the Afghanistan invasion. Who would have thought that 30 years later the US would have done exactly the same?! lolz and political in one little paragraph.



There have been times where politics has got in the way of the greatest sporting event on earth. (apart from maybe the World Cup) (and Wimbledon) (and the Monaco Grand Prix) (and the world series of poker) but why should politics spoil the Olympics this year? Particularly because big business has already destroyed it before it has started.

If the public want to go to the main stadium in Stratford, it has been built in a way which you will have to walk through the biggest shopping centre in Europe to get in there, which was purpous built to maximise profits. Add to this the fact that McDonnalds managed to tie up a lucrative deal to be the only food server in the Olympic village. Of course, the athletes housing does not have kitchen facilities, so pole vaulters, weight lifters, sprinters, swimmers and other people who do sports, have no choice but that of the value meal, which might be a big mac, quarterpounder with cheese, 6 chicken nuggets etc... don't get me wrong, I am not anti McDonnalds; there was one time where I woke up, went to maccy Dee's before 10:30am and I ordered 4 double Sausage and Egg McMuffins(tm), came home, ate them and went back to sleep for 3 days, then I woke up and did it again for about 6 weeks.



This doesn't indicate that big business is more important than the actual event, because I choose not to believe that. Even when the evidence mounts and it becomes clear that the majority of tickets that went out went to sponsors to give away as competition prizes or even just to schmooze executives, I would still not believe that the olympics is of secondary importance to generating business for multinationals.


So there is the business thing, Then there is the fact that the town I live in has become a kind of venue for the Olympics, the local park that I walk my dog in has pretty much been closed for the equestrian events, great, I'll take him up to blackheath instead, only when I get to blackheath, I can't walk him there either because that space has been closed so that surface to air missiles can be put in place.



Brilliant. I'll just take the dog back to the flat... only when I get back to the flat there is a fuck off gigantic aircraft carrier in the river by my flat with Helifuckingchoppers...



Awesome. The Olympics is so far simply showing me in idiot proof language that the military industrial complex is not only real, but it is doing its business less than 50 yards away from my flat. If the photo isn't enough, then here are some artist impressions of the boat and the psychological effect it is having on me.



Lovely.

So once it starts the roads close, the frankly archaic transport system melts down due to tourists, and I will probably be even more of a sourpuss than I am now. yay.

Saying that, I am looking forward to watching the tennis and the football on my Telly, because there was no fucking way I was going to get tickets, they were all given away to the sponsors.

and why should we be? we only live here.

Mayoral Election? Aint Nobody got Time fo' Dat.

The dust has settled on the London Mayoral election, the battle may have seemed to be about personalities, on the one side, Bolshie Ken Livingstone, the less upper class competitor in the battle, and the least less upper class one Boris Johnson. Anyone who ever listened in school to the teacher that corrected a semi literate child will notice that I just used a double negative.




This means that Boris Johnson is more posh than Livingstone, but this ain't no pissing contest. The best person to run London, does not necessarily have to be more or less posh to have the credentials.

One of the most important things about this elections is not the pitching the man behind the Bendy Bus against the man who popularized the Boris Bike. Only 12% of the population of London voted. Boris Johnson believes that for a strike to be official 50% of a union needs to vote. If this is the case then he can't believe that his tenure as London Mayor is valid. Just saying.

What does this low turnout for the election say about Britain? How can we tow the line for a mayor that wasn't voted in by an actual majority? Is there a third rhetorical question I can ask to make up the rule of three? lets find out.

Well, usually a low turnout indicates that the population have lost faith in the government, this is what happened in Germany which led to Hitler getting into power, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that Boris Johnson is Hitler, although he does look a bit like a mutant version of an Aryan.



However, 'Hitler' is exactly how Livingstone described Johnson when he stated: "It's a simple choice between good and evil. I don't think it has been so clear since the great struggle between Churchill and Hitler... Those who don't vote for me will be weighed in the balance come Judgment Day. The Archangel Gabriel will say, 'You didn't vote for Ken Livingstone in 2012. Oh dear, burn for ever. Your skin flayed for all eternity"

So essentially, Hitler is now in power in London.

But back to the questions... what could have made the public so disenfranchised that the majority never bothered going to the polls?



Probably the fact that it is more evident than ever that the government are putting the interests of big business before the needs of the electorate.

News International's push to get the conservatives into power shows us three things, as does the picture above of David Cameron, Rebbekah Brooks and a horse. It shows us that:

•  News International have immense power over the British public
• News International felt that a tory government would have benefited them more than a Labour government.
• And that the British public are fucking idiots, which we will compare to David Cameron in the picture and not the horse in the above picture.

So as in those elections, the London Mayoral election, although having several candidates, we were left with the choice of the cunt in the red tie, or the cunt in the blue tie. Both of whom would have probably had little choice but to cosy up to big business in order to keep their companies trading from London and thus keep unemployment reasonably low, and keep the tax revenue coming in. The previous government took the drastic step of buying several banks which the current government gave back to them at a massive loss. Of course, this is our fault, because we voted these people in. Neither government is accountable because they believed they were acting in the best interests of the electorate at the time that the decisions were made.



Now of course there is this austerity thingy going on, we are now in what the pundits are calling a double dip recession. Hurrah! I don't know what this means but what I do know is who the government is blaming for it, and that is the previous government. The Previous government in turn are blaming the current government. So where is the money?



Not there...



...Nope not there either.



That's an expensive looking building...

While we are being hit with pay freezes, tax hikes and benefits being slashed, the banking industry is celebrating 'record profits'. It says it in the news and everything, and if it says it in the news, it must be true.



Yes, thats the Sun newspaper accusing bankers of moral bankruptcy, in other news, a pot is on trial for making racist comments about a kettle, calling it 'black'.

Of course, this is all getting very very political, and the only time I generally get a large number of hits on this page is when I put pictures of herpes ridden penis's on here...

So here goes...



Theyeeis!!

We are waking up to the cold hard reality that our government are slippery fuckers, they have and still are making us pay for their mistakes. They congratulate themselves on putting rental bikes outside tube stations, and vilify the bendy bus, because that is what is important to people in London, being able to get to work so we can work for these large businesses making us all so desperately unhappy.



But Hey! at least we have a mayor with a comedy haircut to keep us distracted until the six weeks holidays when the kids will no doubt take to the streets and loot JD sports and PC world. There is a rather large part of me that wants to go out and join them out of sheer frustration.

So to sum up, Boris Johnson probably isn't Hitler; scrapping 5000 bendy busses is not the same as the attempted anihilation of European jewry, but he is a twat, just like Livingstone.

The Pro's and Cons of Europe

There seems to be a great deal of animosity towards Europe, with people feeling resentment that our laws are created by a centralized government thousands of miles away from our own parliament. Similarly, there seems to be a a similar amount of resentment from people up north for the same reason, although by the time you get to Newcastle these feelings of anger towards a power base 400 odd miles away are replaced by this...



Ironically, it is often the people angry about Europe who are not angry about programmes like Geordie Shore and "TOWIE;" an acronym I hate so much that I am can only look at if I italicize it and imprison it in ironic quotation marks so that it can't stand up straight or effectively interact with the rest of this paragraph. I would like to take the casts of "MIC" "TOWIE" "GS" and "JS" to develop an illness where they can't stand up straight and to be imprisonned by strange scare quotes, or perhaps instead of scare quotes they could be Islamist terrorists who behead them and send the footage to Al Jazeera, who in turn pass on the footage to the producers of Geordie Shore and The Only Way is Essex, to be used in the final episodes... who knows. It might even make me watch them.


I was not even trying to be hateful right there, it just happened, if I could stop myself disliking "structured reality"  as much, then I could probably develop an idea of where I stand on Europe and the Euro and the EU, important things that actually have an impact on my life.

Why should I stand for a centralized government making laws which should be irrelevant to me because it is so far away? Well, I do, and that is because I am so angry about some of the most popular TV shows in Britain being about people not speaking properly and passing around STD's that I feel that it is just that we become a subjugated nation.



Then we would actually have something to be angry about.

The fact is, my dislike of structured reality upsets me so much that I can't get emotional about things that matter, like government cuts, Sarkozy appealing to the far right in France or even the EU making decisions for us that we would be better off making, or even governments making decisions for us that they should not be entitled to make. These are all things that I should be angry about but instead I find myself disliking reality TV in a really narrow, concentrated and intense way. A way around this would probably be to ban these TV shows, but in all honesty, they are not hurting anyone, apart from the fact that they are distracting people from the real issues that govern our world. Thus I can't dislike europe, or even the tories.

This leaves us with two questions, should we abolish Europe? Just ban it, release it from its moorings and let it float off towards the South Pole where they can make lots of by-laws about eskimos and polar bears, if we were to abolish europe then we could probably declare war on the real enemy which is structured reality TV, and then once we have done that then we can re-instate Europe, so we would still have something to be angry about. Then we could ban europe again and then reinstate it.



Just so that a british football team can beat a European team, before abolishing Europe again.

The other question is should we abolish reality TV, kill everyone to do with it, guillotine TV producers and participants, so that we can abolish Europe, and then re-instate reality TV just so we have something to hate, then banning them again and killing everyone involved in the second wave of reality TV, and then reinstating it again etc...

I am, however, spotting a problem with banning reality TV; it would cause us to head into an uncontrollable cycle of both abolishing and reinstating europe, which would be costly and probably leave good salt of the earth British folk neurotic from all the abolishing and re-instating. Plus who would the youth of today aspire to be like of not for the cast of "TOWIE"

For this reason, it is best to ban both Europe and reality TV permanantly and then finding something else to eradicate, then find something else to hate, like ginger people or Lithuanians, until everything is gone. You can't say fairer than that.

Something smells rotten in Denmark.

Today When I came home from work I found a massive shit in the middle of my floor with a dog standing next to it. There is, of course, no evidence to suggest that my dog did the shit so I had no choice but to let it go. The situation I was in did remind me of the MI6 analyst who was found dead locked inside a bag in London. I found the situation quite strikingly similar. The only thing that would have made the situations more alike would have been if instead of a poo, I found MI6 analyst locked inside a bag in my flat, and if instead of my flat I was inside the house of MI6 analyst Gareth Williams, and I was a landlady. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying Gareth Williams was a poo, but nevertheless, the lack of evidence that my dog did the poo resonates with the fact that there is little evidence that Gareth Williams was murdered.



This is a job for Columbo.

Obviously I am more interested in getting to the bottom of the case of Mr Williams than of a poo in the middle of the floor. I am looking through every possibility.

Possibility 1.

Gareth Williams came home where he slipped on a banana skin that a rogue swarm of chimps left lying around, in the confusion, the lock for Gareths bike, became loose and slipped out of his hand landing on the bag that Mr Williams slipped into and inadvertently locking itself. Williams was so tired that he fell asleep and asphyxiated. Probability 9/10.

Possibility 2.

Williams was 'glamoured' by a character from the TV series 'True Blood', and was convinced to go hime and somehow lock himself in the bag and asphyxiate himself whilst spreading 20,000 worth of designer womens fashion about his bedroom. Probability 9.5/10

Possibility 3.

After a bad day at work Mr Williams killed himself using a strange self bagging system used only by ancient Mayans and an advanced civilization of robots from the future. Except he forgot the english language, and worked out a language using female designer clothes to form an elaborate suicide note that only he understands. Probability 50/50

Seeing is there is little evidence that Murdered MI6 analyst Gareth Williams was murdered, I would like to put forward these 3 probabilities as possible reasons why Gareth Williams was found in a locked bag in his flat in Pimlico, London.

I am available for weddings, Christenings and Bah Mitzvahs to solve any mysteries.

Elementary, dear Watson.

things you cun't say on twitter or in public.

We are very much under attack from the government who are almost certainly trying to stop us from having freedom of speech... in fact the government doesn't want us to say anything at all... especially not on twitter.

What with the recent imprisonment of the infamous Muamba tweeter Liam Stacey, who said something along the lines of 'LOL! Fuck #Muamba he's dead!!!' followed by a stream of 'vile racist comments.'
I am interested to know what these comments were; I have been, from time to time, quite aggressive on Twitter and would like to know the line between harmless trolling and being a criminal. His charge was 'racially aggravated public order offences'. Similar to Emma West, the racist train lady (who recieved a suspended sentence for abusing members of the public, on a tram between Wimbledon and Croydon.)

NIGGERAGUAAAAAAAAAARGHAHAHAHAHAHAAAARGH!!!

There are reasons why Emma west was given a suspended sentence and Liam Stacey wasn't. West was unemployed and under great stress having to cope with a son who had a rare genetic dissorder which made his face look like it was made of lego. (see above picture.) And of course, Liam Stacey was Welsh and therefore didn't have the same rights as actual humans. What is worrying, is that death threats were made against from multiple accounts to Liam, is threatening behaviour not a crime? Why are these not followed up? I may or may not disagree with the sentencing, and to be honest its been so many weeks now that I have forgotten what my opinion is, but if you are going to throw a man in prison for public order offences on twitter, then should you not throw people who make death threats on twitter in jail as well?



#CUNextTuesday.
Another Twitter crime is being thrashed out in the court. With tweeter, OllyCromwell about to be sentenced for implying that a bexley councellor was a cunt, you can see the backlash against Bexley council here and here amongst other places...

Only, he wasn't actually arrested and charged for swearing; he was charged and found guilty of ‘incitement to commit criminal damage’ which he did, when he posted the address of a councilor and encouraged followers to post shit through his letterbox.



I consider myself quite 'right on', I like to read the Guardian, I don't like the Tories, I listen to Dr Dre and have watched Roots; I even watched Steven Soderbergs 2 part biopic of Che even though it was all in Spanish, but I can't help feeling that this is less about freedom of speech than it is about people who just don't know when to stop. If a person did a flyer campaign stating that poo should be posted through a letterbox it would be a simple case of incitement, but the fact that it has happened over the internet has highlighted a grey area; people who thought they could say whatever they want without consequence have had a bit of a rude awakening. Should these people be sent to prison? probably not, these are not actual criminals, not in the sense that Charles Manson or Ian Huntley are criminals, but if you take the time to make sure the grammar is correct on your racist responses or encourage people to post poo into someone elses home, then you should deal with whatever comes your way I find it very difficult to sympathise.

If it were illegal to say cunt on twitter then there are 50 tweeters this week heading for the slammer, including me; the fact is, it isn't, our freedom of speech is safe. Even if we do say cunt. Dudley Moore famously said the word cunt on tape over 30 times. He remains at large to this day.




So it turns out that the word in question isn't actually illegal on twitter, neither is the word felch, frig, vagina and all other variants of the female anatomy are okay, providing you don't attach it to racist comments or comments encouraging people to post faeces through a local councilors letterbox. If you consider these laws an affront to your human rights then pardon my french: but I think you're a cunt.