have a fucking shave mate... and is that a biro in your hand?
Wilkinson sword had an ace in the hole with the 3 disposable blades with the "closest shave ever." Bic had left the race by this point and started making dispoable pens which seem to dissappear in spite of being paid for 50 at a time. In previous blogs I have mentioned the possibility of black holes on earth, but wont delve into where I think these biro's go because of obvious sidetracking issues and covering familiar ground, you would think Gillette would have left the race too. But they went far beyond and added an extra blade for "a closer shave and more comfort."
As if this wasn't enough they went on to add an extra 2 blades, for acloser shave and more comfort as well as the 5th freeroling blade for added accuracy. And accuracy in an important tool in the modern day. Just ask the Israeli government, who have taken accuracy to a new level by creating missiles that can blow up a disabled Palestinian midget from 10 miles away.
and fair play.
But again there is somthing trying to take me away from the point. A gravity if you will, but I hate gravity. It keeps me routed to the spot when I want to fly to planets made of shaving products, so I will, at least in a metaphorical sense of the words 'planets made of shaving products'.
So after using 5 blades to bring about the ultimate revolution in shaving... I knew that nothing and I mean absolutely nothing that could top a 6 bladed disposable razor. I initially thought that there was nothing that could beat a disposable blade until I saw a razor with 2 blades, a similar thing happened when I saw 3 blades on a shaver adding an extra dimension to shaving. 4 blades? amazing nothing could improve on this. then they come along with 5 razors and a 6th razor for accuracy. I am absolutely certain, beyond any certainty I could ever have that we have reached the pinnacle of shaving. and nothing, and I mean nothing can improve this.
the absolute pinnacle of shaving.
As Gillette are now at the forefront of shaving they have hired 3 of the best sportsman who are as at the top of their game as Gillette are.
Federer is an amazing tennis player, I have got into tennis in a big way this year and think that is the most interesting it has ever been. Henry was an amazing footballer at Arsenal and I'm sure he is really good now at Barcelona. Woods is the least interesting of the bunch in terms of sporting ability. Standing with a stick in a field trying to get a testicle sized ball into a hole, my idea of a sportsman is not.
However, Woods is still an obvious ambassador for his game even if the game is as bland and fucking inane as golf.
Woods was recently involved in a car accident where he was in a sportscar with a woman he wasn't married to. His wife was obviously displeased. Another day goes by and another woman claims to have slept with him in tabloid papers, a further day, another woman in the same papers. and again the following day etc... it gets to the point where if Tiger woods lives another 14600 days there will be another 14600 women coming forward and admitting to sleeping with him, which is more than the amount of women Russell Brand has slept with...
I'd like to come forward and be the first person to admit that I've never been fucked by Tiger Woods, although there is still time.
Wood's defence has been to ask that his sins remain private. Here is a list of how to avoid sins courtesy of God. according to Exodus, not the Bob Marley album, but the book (not chapter) of international best seller, 'the Bible'.
You shall have no other Gods but me.
You shall not make for yourself any idol, nor bow down to it or worship it.
You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.
You shall remember and keep the Sabbath day holy.
Respect your father and mother.
You must not kill.
You must not commit adultery. (!)
You must not steal.
You must not give false evidence against your neighbour.
You must not be envious of your neighbour's goods. You shall not be envious of his house nor his wife, nor anything that belongs to your neighbour.
As sins go it is not the worst of them...
Although I feel that Woods is trying to accomplish something far darker...
The golfing world is a multi million pounds industry. And woods cannot monopolize it alone, he is already at the pinnacle of his game. He has nowhere to go but down. He will age and lose his ability to compete with young golfers who will be aiming to knock him off his perch. So what would you do in this situation?
Ensure that your genetic legacy corners the market no doubt. Tiger's genes are amazing and a combination of hard work, skill and luck have combined to create the ultimate golfer in the world. The only way to leave a lasting legacy is to ensure that your children and your childrens children have as much chance at success as you... and I put it to you all that this is the reason that Tiger Woods has had sex with so many women, so that one day hundreds of thousands of people will be amazing mixed breed golfers.
fuck you, this space is reserved for Mr Woods.
So Perhaps Gillette, who are also at the pinnacle of their particular thing, should also consider fucking every model, actress and generally atractive female in sight in order to secure their future place in society. Perhaps they could even come up with something even more revolutionary than 6 blades on a shaver... although I couldn't for the life of me imagine what that could possibly be, or look like...
No comments:
Post a Comment